Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

[cheesecakeisacompletemeal]

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

He has this super big important clever job but apparently a recipe is beyond his intellectual capabilities.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

He's just replied to say sorry he didn't see my message last night, apparently he was "busy with housework". FFS 🤦‍♀️

Again, just fuck off with that passive aggressive bullshit. Honestly, silly texts like that deserve silly responses.

I wouldn't blame you if you texted back 'That's lovely. Looking forward to coming over!', but that kind of thing is not sustainable or healthy longterm.

Good luck. Make sure you actually communicate though so you both know exactly how the land lies, and there is no room for confusion, assumptions and misunderstanding.

"So we can chat about this later" how very generous of him, after the gym and helping his dad to do stuff, sorry but the more I read the more I think he is playing games. He sounds like he expects you to fit in with his plans and his life all the time, bugger that. He is beginning to annoy you already. I wouldnt bother going round tonight, you probably wont get a straight answer.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

This is what he said:

"Morning! Sorry, didn’t see your other messages until quite late, as I was busy with housework bits and phone was charging in the other room. Just getting ready for the gym now, and then need to help my dad with some stuff, so we can chat about this in person later rather than by text. Xxx"

No sorry I've upset you, that would be putting himself out far too much.

Hmmm, the 'my phone was charging in another room' excuse. Absolute bollocks, and a stock piece of bullshit response from people who can't be arsed to respond to your phone messages.

As many people have said, he doesn't sound like a keeper. You deserve better. I would be rethinking this relationship @cheesecakeisacompletemeal As many people have said, he likes putting his big manly feet up, and being waited on hand and foot (by a woman!) It will NOT get better.

You could tell him how pissed off you are about it, but you will either get him upset/ wounded/ angry, and defensive, OR he will be all contrite and promise things will change and he will make more of an effort, but nothing will change. Men don't change their ways, and many of them DO think the woman should be the host, and do all the wifework/pink jobs.

If they live on their own, they deal with their own shit, and do their own housework/meals etc, but if there's a woman on the scene, he will make sure she does it.

Oh god. At the start of the thread I was thinking maybe you just need to be super clear with him that you want to be hosted equally, maybe he’s just drifted into coming to yours and assumes you like hosting him (which would in itself be a bit problematic, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt…)

But now you’ve posted about how he thinks your job isn’t a real job and makes comments about ‘how have you spent your day?’
Ugh just no. Sorry. By all means try and have one last clear communication (btw I thought your text wasn’t direct enough at all and you were too worried about hurting his feelings).
I think at 8 months in you should be feeling far more cherished and wanted than this. I would seriously consider ending it.

I wonder if he'll bother sorting any food for me. Last time (the only time) I went I had to take my own AND cook it myself 🤬

@tractorandheadphones

I know the type. It doesn't help if a guy is working in a very male dominated field and his main view of women comes from computer games, Anime, Reddit or OnlyFans (not saying this guys is like that). Women are basically seen as 2D, like they're not human beings. It's a skip and jump away from dodgy incel, PUA (pick-up-artist) territory.

Good for you with trying to get to the bottom of all this.

It would be a massive issue for me to have to host all the time. It's like you're auditioning for him.

He seems to have put you in a 'mothering' role, you host and cook and clean for him, but he won't be the same.

He makes excuses like your complicated diet (being veggie is not remotely complicated - does he live in 1979 not 2021!) and you have to send him a list of meals that don't contain meat (despite him seeing what you eat for 8 months )
You then have to offer to show him how?
Glossing over the fact you could have takeaways at his anyway.

I have to say I don't think he is relationship material, how could you ever live together if he has set such rigid rules about the things he won't do (which basically boil down to you contributing more to the relationship).
You don't say what age you are and I've you want to have children in the future - I wonder how much he would duck out of parenting as well?

He could have a million other good or great characteristics, but I would not consider someone like this a potential partner.

Having said that if his happy splitting the hosting 50/50 and tries to learn how to cook (and values the importance of him knowing how to cook) without you having to mother him through it, then good for him!

It's not that deep. I wish people wouldn't try to medicalise what is quite common behaviour and not an indicator of mental issues.

I've met dozens of blokes like this in my time. They don't think deeply about their own behaviour. They operate on instinct; they don't analyse why they do what they do unless forced to when challenged. Even after OP did challenge him I believe his response was just a fobbing-off, surface-thinking type of reaction dashed off as a sop to her concerns.

It's clearly never occurred to him that some women might not want to wait on him and make all the effort. But can we blame him? Read MN any day and you'll find many, many women who live their whole lives in relationships like this. I don't condemn them - it's their choice and their lives, and perhaps they've decided that it's something they'll compromise on for other benefits, or that they prefer things their way anyway.

But that's what this comes down to OP. You're clearly someone who wouldn't be happy in this type of relationship and it's good you're taking action now before you're in any deeper. Who knows - he may wake up to himself and stop defaulting to 1950s bloke mode. Or he may decide that he doesn't like having to make an effort and wants a 1950s woman to wait upon him.

Oh - and you so can take wine over to his even if he doesn't drink.

Hope you get the right outcome - whatever that is.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I wonder if he'll bother sorting any food for me. Last time (the only time) I went I had to take my own AND cook it myself 🤬

If he does it simply another reason to not put himself out…. He could literally open a tin of beans and make toast for example rather than do nothing. He’s coming across as quite selfish.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I wonder if he'll bother sorting any food for me. Last time (the only time) I went I had to take my own AND cook it myself 🤬

FUCK THAT OP.

Don't do that again. It negated the point of going over. I'm sorry, but from what I've heard so far, I wouldn't be surprised if he cooked you a crappy meal in order to make you stop asking. How would you ever find out though - he would just deny it :/ Things shouldn't be this hard at the beginning of the relationship. Can't imagine what it would be like if you lived together.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I wonder if he'll bother sorting any food for me. Last time (the only time) I went I had to take my own AND cook it myself 🤬

Extraordinary! Do you friends and family know he treats you like this - very telling if you are too embarrassed to tell them this is happening and you cover for him or minimise this.

He talks to you like you're his low priority subordinate who he'll deal with once all his other pressing priorities have been attended to. Unfortunately you have arbitrarily got it in your mind that you'll give him "just one last chance".

Good luck OP you're clearly prepared to settle for him.

I think you need to make it very clear that you do NOT mind if the house is in a bit of a state, and are not going to judge him on his housework; but that you do feel excluded if he doesn't ever have you to his home. His saying as the main reason for not having you come that he is 'behind on the housework' suggests that he fears your judging him on this - and worries more about that than your possibly thinking he's 'scrounging' if he only ever comes to yours. I would NOT mention his tidying up for his boss but not for you, as this may increase the pressure that he feels to have things 'perfect' and his possible tendency to feel that you are in the same category as his boss, and that he has to please you through tidiness. It does sound as though he feels very perfectionist and anxious about these things

I can sympathize a bit, as I myself have a lot of anxiety about people criticizing me for inefficiency in things like housework and cooking, or just watching me while I do these things (I have some co-ordination difficulties, which badly affect my confidence).. However, I would also not allow myself to get into a situation where others are hosting me all the time without my doing anything in return. I would probably suggest that on most occasions we have tea or coffee rather than a full-blown meal on either side.

With some people - more often women than men, I think - it can reach a poinr where they find it very stressful to have visitors at all in case they notice some blemish or untidiness.

What would bother me the most in this particular case is that he seems to assume that you're not really working like he is. Either he is being sexist, or just doesn't understand the nature of your job, or both.

I feel like saying tomorrow would be better for me, and that it sounds like he's busy today too. He's always tired on Saturday evenings anyway (has been known to go up to bed at mine before me!). I dunno, maybe I'm just putting off the conversation that needs to happen.

You are always welcome to come to mine, it’s just that I sometimes prefer to come to yours if I’ve had a hectic week

Quite apart from his disingenuous use of 'sometimes', that ties in with the narrative that he doesn't recognise that you also have a full time job. He believes that you spend all week pottering around with no stress and having your hair done. So you'll be glad to mop his fevered brow and bring him his dinner and generally treat him as a piece of precious china.

Well if you're too drained, then absolutely put it off till tomorrow.

You have to practise self care here.

Tbh though the more you post the more disappointing he sounds.

So, he has an immaculate house, takes you out for expensive dinners and likes to regularly go around to your house, so that you can cook for him.
Is there any evidence of him cooking in his own house, because I think he cannot cook and probably has no intention of learning how to cook.
Both my DW and I cook and share the cooking, but her brother cannot cook and expects his DW to have everything done for him.
If I were you, I would be a bit wary, because although he seems to be a "lovely guy" now, what would he be like if he started to have more control over you?

He has assumed that you will be around later to talk about this, when he has finished his more important jobs , do you want to see him tonight, if he is tired and likely to go to bed early anyway. If you do go round there what plans has he got, is he cooking, washing up, treating you to a nice evening.

Actually no, why would I want to spoil two days of my weekend?! I'll go tonight but whatever happens I won't be staying over and will do my own thing tomorrow. Time to take back control!

I think he has some deep-rooted ideas that you should be looking after him because that's what a woman does. I think you will struggle to get an equal relationship out of this. He seems to have no concept of the fact that it is really rude to expect you to bring and cook your own at yours. I think you can do much better than this x

If you do intend on giving him a chance, and you are feeling tired plus he seems 'busy' etc today, I absolutely would suggest you just going over tomorrow - it might put the wind up him a bit and make him sit up straight and have a think about what you have said, realise this is serious and he cannot just pat your head and tell you not to be silly again.

Good for you, the weather forecast is lovely for tomorrow so you can get out, relax and enjoy a lovely day doing nothing very important while he can spend his day cleaning his flat.

The poster above is right. Any person who can't cook is a pain in the arse to live with and is no catch.