Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

[cheesecakeisacompletemeal]

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

I have to say, even before you told us the comments he'd made being oblivious to the fact that you work a full day just like him, the first line of his reply already indicated the same attitude.

"Busy with my tricky work problem from my big hard-thinking job, you've interrupted my real mental activity with your domestic issues"

The fact he said thanks for telling him doesn't really mitigate, I don't think.

Unfortunately it sounds like he really, really doesn't want to acknowledge that you each have a job, a house, a life, and that 50/50 is the only logical starting point.

But better you find this out now than later, all the same.

I agree with others he is 1. lazy and doesn’t want the inconvenience of hosting and 2. Thinks you should be doing all of this by default.

Some people like their own space and they like to be alone in their own space doing things their own way. Nothing wrong with that but it can be difficult if they want a relationship and they don’t want to accommodate!

[quote cheesecakeisacompletemeal]@OnTheSafeSide thank you for succinctly summarising how I am feeling, this is totally it. He has just made it way more awkward than it needs to be and in the process has made me feel even more shit.[/quote]

You've come this far in the relationship so far, spent however long thinking about this issue and taken the time to communicate your thoughts with him. Don't fall at the final hurdle now and not go, give him this chance to prove himself, host and make you feel welcome like he has agreed and is no less than you deserve. If he fucks it that's ok him.

This is what he said:

"Morning! Sorry, didn’t see your other messages until quite late, as I was busy with housework bits and phone was charging in the other room. Just getting ready for the gym now, and then need to help my dad with some stuff, so we can chat about this in person later rather than by text. Xxx"

No sorry I've upset you, that would be putting himself out far too much.

Willing to bet that if OP does go to his this weekend it won't be the start of alternate weekends and she has to raise the same point again in the future.

I wonder where he's envisaging the "in person" location to be.

If he wants to fix things, the very least he needs to do is alternate hosting, and cooking, with no complaining.

Just ask him

Why does me coming round make you feel uncomfortable?

If he replies “ it doesn’t” then point out everything that has been suggested on here and how you feel. Be like a dog with a bone and don’t let him swerve the conversation. Tell him you want to feel as comfortable in both homes and the fact you don’t is making you question the whole relationship. Tell him how his wording of the text yesterday still sends red flags. Lay your cards on the table.

This is the point in time where either you stop dating or it gets more serious. Don’t give up on on what sounds like a decent guy, without having a proper conversation with no holds barred.

Being reluctant to have this conversation, makes you just just as ineffective at communicating as him. What have you got to lose by being completely honest about your feelings?

I’d reply with-‘have fun at the gym, what time shall I come over?’

LOL. I've just read this 🤣

You are always welcome to come to mine, it’s just that I sometimes prefer to come to yours if I’ve had a hectic week and am behind on my housework …like last week

Fuckinghell. He's just come right out with this! He quite likes you hosting thank you very much! He clearly doesn't think you have hectic weeks, or that you would like to be hosted also.

I’m never saying that you can’t come to mine - I will just occasionally say that I’d prefer to come to yours if I feel that it’s a bit of a state here

Maybe not, but he's clearly engineering situations where you feel obligated to host him, like saying he'll come around to yours, by not inviting you to his place, by mentioning his hectic week so that you will feel obligated to wait on him, by saying his house is messy so he thinks you'll be discouraged from coming over as a result.

I just hate the thought of having anyone round and them being presented with mess

Tough. If he's that bothered, he needs to hire a cleaner so that he can step up with hosting you. Also, what he's saying here is 'my feelings are more important than yours'.......and I'm doubting if it's messy at all.

If you want to spend some time here this weekend, you absolutely can …I’ll get cracking on the housework! 🙂

In other words - I'm going to point out that your arrival means putting me through hassle of doing housework when I'm already hectic (and I'm going to make sure I mention how I'm going to be 'cracking' on with it in my text so you really know and hope you feel a twinge of guilt as a result).

As for cooking you a meal - that terrifies me, simply because I have such different food tastes to you and zero experience of cooking your types of food!

Oh just fuck off with this. It doesn't terrify him. He's making out like the reason why he won't make an effort for you is because he's such a good person wanting to please you & all. Honestly, I'm wondering what he'll say next. 'Could you do this ironing for me? You're just so good at it. I'm just rubbish at things like that!' 🤓🙃

That’s not to say I wouldn’t give it a go

You might as well have said you won't give it ago.

..but I’d effectively be cooking blind, as I wouldn’t be able to tell if what I was cooking was actually any good. Xxx

Oh no! The horror of it! I would be in the position that most people are put in when they cook fir a new person or try something new!!!

What a lame, lame excuse.

I should add I gave a relative who sounds a bit like your bf, really lovely chap. It causes him problems in relationships though, when it comes to the stage where you’d normally spend more time at each others houses/moving in. He enjoys the relationship as long as his house and home life are totally unchanged. Eventually the woman gets fed up and ends it. I don’t know if your bf is this extreme though! I hope he’s able to adapt and have you over more often!

Yeah I'd be an absolute petty petty bullheaded woman about it now and 100% invite myself over.

I know you probably want to not see him at all this weekend and that's understandable, but this would now be the hill I died on. Its dealbreaker time. I would go over with a bottle of wine (good manners) and then sit down and not raise a fucking finger and keep my mouth shut and smile pleasantly and not offer to help with dinner at all and OBSERVE.

And by Monday it will be abundantly clear if you were an imposition or not.

'Yes! See you at yours later xx'

OP

Whatever you do don’t let him come over this evening. No matter how it’s dressed up he would see it as you being a pushover and make any future change even harder.

He has got such double standards. I wonder what he’d say if you said you’d had a really hectic week?!

He is lining to up for all future drudge work

@YukoandHiro

Really don't agree that's a good reply, sorry.

You can spent time here "if you want"... he's pushing it all back on you. If he's happy with you he should want to host you and want you in his personal space.

@yukoandhiro

This. I also noticed the 'if you want'. Makes it sound like 'well alright then'. Hardly an enthusiastic welcome.

I'll say I'll be over to his later. He doesn't drink so can't take wine. I'll just take the biscuits he left at my house 😂

I am afraid I would be well past the house-visit thing now, who goes where etc - it is not even about that anymore - it is all about the misogyny and thinking she isn't his equal in terms of working, what she does with her day etc. Fk That. Nail in the coffin for me. It would be the end for me.

I am going fully open minded about things and quite prepared to turn on my heel and leave immediately if there is even he slightest hint of game playing, weirdness or misogyny from him. It's him who has a lot of ground to make up. One more wrong move and I'm out.

@tickledtiger

I should add I gave a relative who sounds a bit like your bf, really lovely chap. It causes him problems in relationships though, when it comes to the stage where you’d normally spend more time at each others houses/moving in. He enjoys the relationship as long as his house and home life are totally unchanged. Eventually the woman gets fed up and ends it. I don’t know if your bf is this extreme though! I hope he’s able to adapt and have you over more often!

I know posters have pointed out that this could a psychological issue etc but I take umbrage at this because it’s a wider patterns across society. Men are willing to do absolutely anything (including having children) as long as their lives are unchanged. Unless they’re autistic or similar (in which case it should be disclosed) this sort of attitude is unacceptable. Get therapy, whatever, but it’s not ok to assume that it’s a normal thing people will put up with unless they happen to have the same predilection. That’s the issue. They can’t see how much they’re imposing. Acknowledging that they’re imposing instead of pretending is important

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

I am going fully open minded about things and quite prepared to turn on my heel and leave immediately if there is even he slightest hint of game playing, weirdness or misogyny from him. It's him who has a lot of ground to make up. One more wrong move and I'm out.

Go on OP! You have the backing of Mumsnetters who wish you luck

The crazy thing is I usually work on Saturdays but still manage to fit in seeing him, even if it means getting up half an hour earlier to do some cleaning/shopping.

@Summerbubbles

I know someone who just can't bear to have people in their home, even for things like reading the gas meter. It causes them a huge amount of stress and anxiety for days before and after, they can't even have family around. They are however happy to go out to socialize and visit other people.

So this could be the reason. Can you see yourself having a future like that? Personally I could have a relationship like that but some people couldn't and you need to decide. I think it's unlikely he will change.

Thinking the same thing.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

Yeah I said that about just find an easy recipe and he pulled a face. When I made some cakes the other day I jokingly said "your turn next" and he said "no way". When I told him that I taught myself by just following a recipe, he looked at me as if I'd suggested he set himself on fire.

Of course he did. That's because it's your job as a woman.

Well it’s a whole load of excuses from him isn’t it. I suspect it’s really as simple as he:
Wants to be waited on / hosted
CBA tidying up before of after
Doesn’t want you touching / messing his stuff up
CBA thinking of meals and having to cook them

So basically laziness and less effort on his part?