Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

[cheesecakeisacompletemeal]

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

I also thought 'obsessive cleanliness/neat' when I read your OP. I also think he may just not want to make the effort required to host/cook, which is rubbish.

I think you're right to push this now before you progress further with the relationship. See if he's able to cope this weekend, and then insist on taking turns to host.

I don't think he'll change now. You either accept your mothering/domestic appliance role or get rid.

The fact he doesn't see your work as a 'proper' job makes me think he doesn't see you as an equal, and therefore you should be willing to take on the grunt work.

As a pp said, there is a lot of emphasis on cooking/housework. Sounds very dreary.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

He has also said other times things like "what have you been to today, sunbathing, out walking, shopping?".

Errrr no, I did a 10 hour day at work as usual! Then looks surprised that I also worked hard!

How bizarre!!!

@MamDancer

I don't think he'll change now. You either accept your mothering/domestic appliance role or get rid.

The fact he doesn't see your work as a 'proper' job makes me think he doesn't see you as an equal, and therefore you should be willing to take on the grunt work.

As a pp said, there is a lot of emphasis on cooking/housework. Sounds very dreary.

^^ this

Woah the comments about your work is a pretty significant thing that was left out of the OP! This guy just sounds progressively worse the more info you give about him

There’s a lot of red flags here waving in the wind.

Who doesn’t know that self-employed work standard hours and that women don’t spend their life sunbathing?

Yes each new update is chipping away at his 'need to have the hosue perfect before you can visit' argument. The more you say the more he sounds like a bit of a misogynist who thinks your role in life is to get pretty and spend all week prepping the house and getting ready for him. Sorry, the scales are falling off my eyes anyway!

Oh wow. He basically doesn't think he should have to cook and clean, and he works 'so hard'. Yet somehow you don't work hard, and it's fine for you to always host. Urgh I've got the ick now.

In my experience, when the woman sets the precedent of playing host, the man will quickly take advantage.

Didn't see your message as was doing housework is a really his way of punishing you.

I’m opting for ocd. His house being ‘immaculate’ would immediately make me think this. It’s his safe space and he doesn’t want you coming in disrupting his tidiness. Unless you start insisting on alternate weeks, you’re going to be lumbered forever more. He definitely doesn’t want the hassle of cooking, does he?

I hope you can resolve this OP.
My boyfriend and I have a routine of 2 evenings at mine and 1 at his, the first few times I went to his and he cooked I was so overwhelmed I nearly cried.
I have never had anyone who cooked for me and it just felt so great not to always host and cook.

Recently I've not been going to his house as he broke a rib and was up a lot at nights, he would pop round to mine but not stay over and I got pissed off with always hosting.
I also had some work meetings on the night I would go to his so not all his fault.
Last week I told him that I was coming to his this Thursday as I was fed up of being in my house, I thought he might not listen and I was going to tell him not to come round mine and we'd not see each other but he listened and I went to his.
His house is not immaculate but I don't care, its just nice to be out of my house and for someone to host me.

Its probably easier for us to be at my house as I have animals but my son looks after them if I am out.

As for the food thing, I mainly eat vegetarian (I only eat meat I have reared) and I'm also gluten intolerant.
I hate going to peoples houses as I know I'm a nightmare to cook for but my boyfriend embraces my food choices and says he enjoys the challenge of deciding what to cook for me and the shopping as he has to check all the labels and put consideration in to shopping whereas if it was just for him he would eat anything.
This is what a boyfriend should do for someone he cares about.

At the beginning of the thread I was giving this guy the benefit of the doubt. But reading about his attitude to your work has changed my mind. That to me is a bigger issue than who hosts. It shows a fundamental lack of respect for what you do. And yes it does then make it seem like he thinks your purpose is to fulfil his needs and you have nothing “better” to do. If he really thinks you spend your days doing nothing, then that attitude isn’t going to change.

Yea i’m agreed that it started out sounding like he was nervous of hosting or a bit precious about having everything spotless ( which may also be the case), but now there distinct wafts of ‘i’m the hardworking male and you’re the pretty little woman who should cook me my dinner and host me’. Yuck.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

By nerdy I mean his interests (sci fi, computers, science, reading textbooks for work...).

Tell me OP, what kind of person are you? Are you more sociable, sparky, fairly cheerful, maybe creative in some way? Fairly good people skills? How do you think he views you? Feminine? Very attractive?

I'm trying to suss out if he's the passive geeky type who's gone for a more outgoing, sparky, feminine woman (but whom he secretly thinks is not as intelligent as him). If that's the dynamic, your role in life will be to entertain him, bring some buzz zest into his life, to tap dance in front of him whilst he sits back passively. It's going to be hard work for you. He's going to very much want you in his life, but will keep you at arms length (which he's already doing). You are medicine to him which he takes at certain doses but I'm not sure if he intuitively understands or wants the same intimacy as you do.

The way he thinks about relationships is not the same as you might think of them. You might think of them as a dance - two people in tandem, moving in harmony. He sees relationships as entertainment shows where he sits back, enjoys, but is not required to participate in in an active way, (and neither would he want to as he would find that exhausting).

I very much hope I have profiled him incorrectly, because I don't see a happy future for you if I'm right. You will spend the rest of your relationship always feeling unsatisfied, but maybe questioning yourself if you have the right to feel that way (given that he has other good qualities).

Reading your update about how he views your work ethic and working day just shows how little he respects you

Also, how many times have you actually hosted? If you really want to continue this, I would just say no every time he says he wants to come over and just declare that you are coming to his until you feel things are a bit more equal between you. It's not pleasant doing that, and who wants to keep score like this, but it might give you some extra info and time to make your mind up about him.

It’s all very much on his terms, and you’re his content provider.

You’re worth far more respect and consideration than he’s giving you.

@Realyorkshiretea

If the relationship reaches the ‘moving in’ stage, it’s clear it would be him wanting to move in with you & he has set a nice precedent of you doing everything for him. Definitely address it now OP!

This...if it even gets to the stage where he actually want to share a house with someone else.

@HollySass

I bloody hate how some people view "nerds" as nice, lovely (whatever that is) people. So called "nerds" come with their own peculiarities. Not all of them palatable.

It's like saying : she's an outgoing whirlwind of adventure type - love that! How do I stop her from being so "gobby" though!?

FFS - you either like the person, or you don't. Maybe anxious "nice" nerds are not for you? No blame here - wouldn't be for me.

I sort of get the impression OP’s trying to convey . Some men (like my father) consider dating etc etc an unnecessary hassle and once married would never even look at another woman let alone realise if she was showing interest in him. They consider most things a distraction from their intellectual pursuit of the day, let alone having an affair. My DP is somewhat similar.

Howveer very few people are like this - and people can and do change. It’s never a good idea to write someone off as ‘not being capable of’ treachery.

This should be the honeymoon period. It shouldn't be this hard. If he doesn't want/can't put the effort in now to make you feel wanted/included in his space equally then it doesn't bode well.

Your gut instinct is telling you that something is amiss. Listen to your gut.

He didn’t see your message because he was busy doing housework, eh? Uh huh, right. Sounds like a spiteful little dig at you to me! I expect his next ploy, if you do go round to his house, will be to make it as awkward as possible so that you revert to doing all the hosting in future.

His comments about your work are disrespectful and downright rude. He sounds a typical self-centred spoilt man-baby to me. Thinks women are put on this Earth to serve him and is only pleasant/kind/occasionally generous because he thinks that’s the price you have to pay for getting silly women to comply.

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

By nerdy I mean his interests (sci fi, computers, science, reading textbooks for work...).

I have a tendency to date these and many of them have gotten all of their ideas about women from Reddit but have never spoken to an actual woman. Stunned when I suggested that we were also human beings 😎 a lot also had ambitions of being a ‘playah’ more than your football watching lad. Of course you can’t judge - current DP is nerd , absolute gentleman (and I plan on keeping him!) . But a nerd wouldn’t make me let my guard down.

Also RTFT - run run run OP.

Obsessive cleanliness my ass. He's just a misogynistic twat.