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Relationships

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Original poster

Getting rather peed off with never being invited to his house!

530 replies

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 10/09/2021 16:42

So I've been seeing a really lovely guy for about eight months. It's been great on the whole, I think we both feel very comfortable in each other's company, similar values, interests etc. We live about 15 minutes' drive from each other and tend to see each other one weekday evening and then Saturday evening to Sunday evening. In the week we usually stay in and have dinner/watch a film/TV then he goes home. At the weekend we sometimes go out for dinner/lunch, but more often than not stay in - though do out for long walks, coffee, etc. However when we stay in it is without fail ALWAYS (bar one occasion!) at my house.

To start with I thought it was just him being used to being a bit of a bachelor or needing to tidy up before I came round. I dropped quite a few hints about it would be great to see his place which he always swerved/ignored. Eventually I told him it was actually beginning to upset me that he'd never invited me round (this was after about 4 months!). He apologised and said he hadn't realised it was bothering me, and not to be silly and get upset about it. He said "come round this weekend then". When I turned up, his house was immaculately clean and tidy (save for a normal amount of junk in his pretty tidy spare room) and really nice inside - he'd spent quite a bit of money refurbishing it a couple of years ago. He was quite happy to show me all round the house, and although I felt welcome it felt a little awkward.

There was one other time I went there, but that was an unplanned and spontaneous flying visit on a way home (to mine!) from a walk once, to feed his fish. Again, house was immaculate.

Any other time I have suggested I come to his, he bats it away saying things like "I'm a bit behind on housework so I'll come to you". No discussion about it, just that's what is happening. When I mentioned that he'd managed to tidy up for his boss coming round, and it was a shame he couldn't do this for me, he looked a bit frustrated and just said he'd been really busy with work (that makes two of us then!).

I don't mind him coming to mine, but it is getting to me a bit that it's always me that's planning what we will eat - he's never cooked me a meal - and me having to tidy up, etc.

I don't know how to broach this again with him, without sounding like a nagging broken record! In every other way things are great, he is incredibly kind, generous and thoughtful, treats me to dinner when we're out, shows lots of interest in things I am up to etc. He just doesn't seem to 'get' how this is affecting the relationship from my perspective. I'm actually finding myself emotionally detaching a bit and being a bit cold towards him as it's beginning to grate rather.

And it's definitely not the classic explanation of "he's married" - as he's just not the type (you'll have to trust me on that - he's quite a nerdy type, absolutely not womaniser material!) and as I said I've had a good old look round his house and it's definitely just him there! He did mention his dad has only been to his house once in about 7 years (and he only lives around the corner from him!). I dunno, it's all just bugging me and I don't know what to do as I keep wondering if it's me being unreasonable and expecting too much too soon. And if not, what to do about it as I can't force him to invite me round :(

OP posts:

MamDancer · 11/09/2021 09:28

How tiresome for you. It seems he likes coming to yours to be mothered. You going to his doesn't have the same vibe for him.

ddl1 · 11/09/2021 09:28

I would guess that he thinks that a lot will be expected of him in terms of hosting and cooking, and either he is lazy about it, or anxious about it. The fact that you mention that his house was immaculate when you came makes me think that he is very perfectionist about these things. Perhaps he has been judged and criticized about them in the past, and is afraid that his hosting won't be up to your standards.

Perhaps you could suggest meeting at his home for coffee or tea, rather than a big meal? Similarly you could at least sometimes do the same when you invited him.

I do think that, if something like this is the case, he could on occasion take you out for a meal, rather than expect you to do all the hosting.

VickyEadieofThigh · 11/09/2021 09:29

This 'one is veggie the other isn't' thing doesn't wash with me - close friends are 'one of each' but he rightly recognises that as the carnivore, he can eat anything she eats but the reverse in not true - so they're entirely veggie at home but he sometimes has meat in a restaurant.

SummerWhisper · 11/09/2021 09:30

Your feelings are spot on. You are an inconvenience to him. The more you post about him, the more odious he seems. He is still punishing you. Find someone who will put in the same amount of effort as you have for this one. He clearly hasn't appreciated being rumbled for the selfish prick that he is.

thelionqwueen · 11/09/2021 09:33

So much talk about cooking and housework, as if that is the main focus of a relationship..honestly, that is the least of your problem here. If you can’t be honest with each other (or rather him, but you could also have asked him straight out a long time ago) now, then when..

Original poster

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 09:34

He also seems to think that as I am self employed I don't really work or have a proper job. The other day he looked gobsmacked when I said I started work at 6am and finished at about 7pm so was really tired. I genuinely think he thinks I waft around the house painting my nails and stuff.

OP posts:

Kintsugi16 · 11/09/2021 09:38

Are you sure it’s his house?

…… just throwing that in there

ShingleBeach · 11/09/2021 09:38

OP, you described him as nerdy. What form does this take?

Several posters have suggested OCD or similar issues: what is your opinion of this, from what you know of him?

‘Nerdy’
His own Dad has been in his house once in 7 years
Very particular and picky food preferences

OnTheSafeSide · 11/09/2021 09:38

I could never go to his house now after all this - the fact that in his first reply he said you could come to your house 'IF' you want to - it is like when someone apologises and say they are sorry IF they have hurt you, when the whole point is that they have, and it is totally dimissive to put the IF in there. He is not in any way trying to make you feel welcome. He his whole msg sounded completely disingenuous to me.

I do not think I would be able to come back from this tbh, he has made it so awkward, sorry.

The only sliver of hope would be for me - if it is OCD - as someone has said, can you just ask him, as it may be a relief to say it out loud, and clear the air, then get rid of all the cloak and daggers., as maybe he is just throwing the cooking issues etc out there as cover. For me, I don't think any other reason makes his behaviour acceptable, it would be the end for me, sorry OP.

Howshouldibehave · 11/09/2021 09:39

I’d suggest he gets fish and chips or a curry tonight.

I really hate people not hosting because they prefer being hosted as it’s more comfortable for THEM. Well, yes of course it is! That’s why you take turns-so everyone gets to relax

Original poster

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 09:39

By nerdy I mean his interests (sci fi, computers, science, reading textbooks for work...).

OP posts:

Original poster

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 09:42

@OnTheSafeSide thank you for succinctly summarising how I am feeling, this is totally it. He has just made it way more awkward than it needs to be and in the process has made me feel even more shit.

OP posts:

milcal · 11/09/2021 09:42

@Kintsugi16

Are you sure it’s his house?

…… just throwing that in there

This crossed my mind too.

Maybe a surprise visit to his one night?

Original poster

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 09:43

Definitely his house. I've seen his address on various official documents etc.

OP posts:

OnTheSafeSide · 11/09/2021 09:44

Awwww yes I am sorry it does sound shit :-( (sorry for my typos too!)

Kintsugi16 · 11/09/2021 09:45

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

Definitely his house. I've seen his address on various official documents etc.

Could he house share? Rents a room?

RandomMess · 11/09/2021 09:45

Sounds like he already sees you in a wide domestic appliance role!!!

Original poster

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 09:46

I don't think he'd be able to cope with a house share!

OP posts:

CandyLeBonBon · 11/09/2021 09:47

@cheesecakeisacompletemeal

How dismissive is that? Has he actually said this to you or is that your interpretation of something else he's done/said

RahRahRa · 11/09/2021 09:47

If his house is always immaculate then I’d be worried he may have something like OCD and may struggle with having other people in his zone of control.

EarthSight · 11/09/2021 09:47

I agree with turning the tables on him.

What I sense here is that he's kind of the dominant one here. You don't have to be a shouty, macho, overconfident, larger than life, beer & sports, ladish character to be dominant. Some quieter people end up being the dominant ones in the relationships by simply not cooperating, by being the rock that never moves, by refusing to have discussions that the other person really needs to have, by being the one who says no to things and therefore gets to have the final say in everything. These people are inflexible and do not really do compromises. Any that they do are short lived and they gradually wear their partners down. A lot of people would not compromise if it was something to do with their values or another important thing (like refusing to do an extreme sport with a partner because they thought it was dangerous), but disagreeable or dominant people often just don't compromise at all. Why? There's just nothing really in it for them. It's a form of selfishness, a sign of an ungenerous, cold nature. You being happy is just not enough of a pay-off for them. They might be generous when they want to be (when the cost to them is very, very low), but as soon as their needs are in conflict with yours, they won't budge. The only time they will, is if they're in danger of losing something they want, which you. However, it really isn't desirable or healthy for the other person to have to threaten to leave every time they want to see a change or get some kind of compromise. It often doesn't work anyway. Even if these types compromise, they will make you keenly aware they're not happy about it so it ends up making the other partner feel sad or guilty.

I would say he should have seen by now that it's time he invites you over a lot more often, but he's not. He's still stalling, texting you that he's coming over.

Many people get shoe-horned into this position in a relationship because every little event isn't quite enough to leave their partners over. This is why he might be unwilling to compromise, but these are reasons that could be causing the situation as well -

a) He's secretly messy

b) He's very, very tidy and it makes him anxious and nervous when someone is in his space, messing up the symmetry

c) He enjoys being waited upon, and or likes you taking charge like a mother whilst he gets to revert back into being a boy

d) He's avoiding the stress of having someone over. It's not that he's a chauvanist, but he doesn't deal well with stress generally and you coming over would really send him in a spin and means he wouldn't be able to relax whilst you were there or before. If he's like this, expect you to be the one who's always going to have to organise your days out and for him to basically want to stay in the house all the time, where everything is nice and predictable

e) If you have kids, he trying to avoid scenarios where they will be invited over to his

f) He has no real intention of setting up a home with a woman in future. He likes his own space, and there for is starting to 'set up shop' at your place, which will end up becoming his second home. In this scenario, 2-3 years down the line you will be back here, wondering why he's not moving on the relationship to marriage or sharing a house.

g) He's hiding something and is concerned that the more time you spend at his house, the more likely you are to find out. Could be medication he doesn't want to tell you about, maybe that he's seeing other women on the side, stuff on his computer he's rather you not see (is he in I.T?), or human/sex dolls he has hidden away somewhere or some other fetishy thing.

Original poster

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 09:49

He has also said other times things like "what have you been to today, sunbathing, out walking, shopping?".

Errrr no, I did a 10 hour day at work as usual! Then looks surprised that I also worked hard!

OP posts:

OnTheSafeSide · 11/09/2021 09:50

OMG he gets worse! Cos that's what women do all day. Sunbathing and shopping.

Howshouldibehave · 11/09/2021 09:51

Errrr no, I did a 10 hour day at work as usual! hmm Then looks surprised that I also worked hard!

That would annoy me more than the house thing.

Have you asked him why he assumes you have time to do that?
He really undermines you

Original poster

cheesecakeisacompletemeal · 11/09/2021 09:52

I feel like sending him a long list of potential issues with tick boxes so he can mark which things are the problem for him!

OP posts:

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