What to do if your needs are not being met in a relationship?

[Fightingback16]

I’m under he impression that if it’s not being given freely then asking for it will be really un-natural.

I’m learning about needs having been in a Long abusive marriage. I have needs (whether others deem them too much) I still have them. My current relationship is not really filling my needs. He is lovely, completely non abusive just not really available emotionally and beginning to become physically non available.

I think if you love someone you will make time if you don’t you will make excuses.

Is this just a case of non-compatibility? It’s a shame as he is a lively person.

Lovely not lively!

it would be a mistake to stay in an unfulfilling relationship just because hes not abusive like your last one. Its just wasting your time. Theres lots of perfectly nice people out there who you will be incompatible with for a relationship, and also nice people who you would be compatible with.
You just need to tell him that this is no longer working for you and you feel like you both want and need different things in life and dont want to waste each others time

You aren't getting what you need out of the relationship so end it, just because he's isn't abusive doesn't mean you have to stay

i think if you aren't getting what you need, you ask for it. if your partner is unwilling or unable to give it, you think about whether it's the relationship for you or not.

I know what you mean about the artifice of asking, but our partners are not always mindreaders, and if you don't ask, they may just assume that you are happy with the way things are.

Talk to him about it and if no improvement then end it.

Well I have had a word and we shall see but anything given now will be fake.

I spent a long time with an abusive husband and the most destroying part was that I was so alone. I did everything alone, renovating, raising our child, every bath, every story and I feel alone in this new relationship. He always chooses to work overtime, maybe 60+ a week and squeezes me in here and there. I have been feeling those feelings of being alone all over again and I can’t take it. I would I rather just be alone then feel it.

Well I have had a word and we shall see but anything given now will be fake.

Don't you think genuine change is possible? Haven't you ever genuinely changed your mind about something, or changed the way that you do something because you understood that doing it differently was going to give you better results?

That's not fake. If you told him you care about him and you want to spend more time with him, but the long hours he works are getting in the way of that, and he decides to cut back the hours he spends at work so that he can spend more time with you and keep the relationship, how is that fake?

You just quietly and calmly explain what your needs are, and make sure that it's clear that they are needs.

If your needs continue to be unmet (including if changes feel fake), you leave. Stay for long enough to see if changes are made/if they feel genuine.

That's 'boundaries'. People make it so complicated, but it's really that simple.

Don't stay with someone because they're lovely and not abusive. Most people are lovely and not abusive. Raise your bar. Look for 'Lovely, not abusive, and meets my needs.'

"What to do if your needs are not being met in a relationship?"

Personally. I'd talk to my partner. If they fix things, great, if not, I wouldn't talk to them again, I'd leave. Had your chance, blew it sonny.

quite a jargon filled post OP, do you mean he’s a decent guy but is a bit distant and won’t commit? If so, have it out with him, see what he says & then decide what you want to do.

OP, you post about issues in this relationship quite regularly and often wondering whether to end it for various reasons.

I think that means it's not working for you.

We all have different needs in relationship and your bf isn't a mind reader. I don't think there's any harm in explaining how he can meet your needs better.

Well you told him how you feel and what your expectations are.
You'll know right away if he intends to step up. These types see no reason to change as all their needs are being met.

I believe women are socialised to give far too much too soon to men who aren't making equal effort.

People aren't mind readers they don't always know what you need. It is really important in a relationship to be able to communicate and express your needs. How he behaves after you tell him will tell you way more about him then just wishing he would do something and getting disappointed. If he makes an effort to meet your needs you will know he is doing it because he values you and the relationship, that isn't fake and will show you if he wants to make you happy.

Yes you are all right I’m just feeling down lately and I’m pushing him away really I think. I have decided this morning that Monday I will make a call to the gp to ask for some support. It’s been about 2 years since leaving my abusing marriage and I think I’m stuck in a very depressive stage. I want to move on from this feeling but I guess chemically I’ve lived so long unhappy I’m a bit stuck and can’t do it on my own anymore. But thanks for taking the time to reply.

If you don't want to get into abusive relationships, listen to your feelings, rather than dismissing them under the heading of 'depression'.

This man is neither emotionally nor physically available to you in the way you want. Whether that's because you are pushing him away, or because of where he's at, it's still incompatibility. Face this, rather than making self-blaming excuses for it. 'I am pushing him away' isn't the same as 'This is a healthy relationship', and if you are pushing him away, that's not a fault in you. It's an indicator that he's behaving in a way that makes you not want him around.

Listen and respect the indicators and signposts that your emotions give you. They are not annoyances that get in the way of your happiness; they are signposts away from sadness/trauma, towards contentment. They are the voice of the core of you, and until you listen to the voice of your core, your core will not be happy. Nobody is happy when they feel unheard.

Asking for your needs to be met does not mean that they will be “fake” if/when they are. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with being open and honest with your communication about this. I would even say that it was healthy.

However, this guy is emotionally and physically distant to you so tbh I would not expect him to change this. Not because he wouldn’t if he loved you, but it sounds like he’s just not that into you?

I’m sorry to be pessimistic but I think the most likely conclusion of this conversation would be a break-up.

Maybe it was too soon to get into another relationship after the abusive one?

You do post about various issues with this guy very regularly.

@category12 maybe it was too soon but I didn’t really realise at the time the impact it’s had on me. I tend to minimise the abuse when actually I really need to speak to someone now as it’s effecting my life. If I hadn’t met him perhaps I wouldn’t have realised I need help to process it.

@TheFoundations I just re-read your msg. What happens if I am asking more then people can give me. I have a part of me and I know it and I’m a little embarrassed of it but I guess it feels insatiable. I’ve had it since childhood, I’ve never been comforted don’t know how to be. I used to go around and try and find another mum. I have really rather embarrassing memories which was me at my most vulnerable during the abuse. I was warn down to my inner child and I find my memories of that extremely embarrassing, no one should have been stripped so low. I dislike my inner child, it always wants from people and it constantly feels rejected when it’s just normal life, I can’t have all of people all the time. Inside of me I think I never grew the right brain as a child and it’s difficult for me to understand people at the moment.

This man has been nothing but kind and shown me patience, he says the right things, he does give me time but I just want more all the time. Why, because it feels so nice when Im with him, he makes me feel better but then longer periods apart I start to feel rejected, Un connected etc, it’s not his fault. I really want to work on this but I don’t know where to start and my brain gets kind of hijacked when it happens.

OK. I see what you're saying. There are few parts to consider. Firstly, just because this man is nice to you, that doesn't mean that you are not allowed to want more. This has nothing to do with whether it's his fault or not. What you're dealing with is not fault. Nobody is doing anything wrong, and nobody is faulty. If he's not floating your boat right now because of where he is emotionally or where you are emotionally, that's fine. Recognise that. Respect that. Respond to that. What you're trying to do is make yourself feel good about something that doesn't particularly feel good. It's like trying to make yourself enjoy broccoli when you don't like broccoli. You just can't. It doesn'm mean that there's anything wrong with you or anything wrong with broccoli; it's just WHO YOU ARE. 'Who you are' is really really important, here. You have to find a way to respect who you are.

Secondly, when you talk about your inner child, what you say is that you dislike her because she always wants more from people. But it's not about other people. If you start to take care of her, listen to her, meet her needs, she will stop being so demanding of others. This is about YOUR relationship with your inner child. It's not about how you and your inner child relate to others; that comes after you've dealt with what's going on inside you.

Upset/neglected/hurt children are massive bundles of need. And that's the healthy response, from them. You have one inside you. I want to ask you a question: Imagine another child; a child you come across in the street. She's about 4. She's in tears and she tells you that she's lost her mum in the shops this morning, she's been by herself for ages, she's thirsty, and she wants you to find her mum, but a different one from her actual mum; one who cuddles her more and listens to her when she says she's sad, and one who looks after her better.

Could you bring yourself to say to the child 'No. Stop being so needy. I don't like you. Be quiet and stop asking me for things'? Or would you have a different response? And if so, what would that response be?

I'd fulfil my own needs as much as possible before thinking of being in any sort of relationship. Then get to know whoever it may be and see what they bring to the table. Take it slowly and don't allow yourself to be rushed

I would probably cry @TheFoundations and tell her I know exactly how she feels but we have no choice as that’s the only mum we have.

I don’t know how to fulfil the needs myself that someone should have made sure were filled. I don’t particularly no what’s missing as it’s missing. I’ve provided myself and daughter with a house and I have a job so have security but whatever it is is still missing.

That's what I thought you'd say. You wouldn't be disliking her and thinking she's too needy; that'd be super mean, wouldn't it.

So why do you think it's ok to do that to yourself? To the needy part of you? Your inner child isn't some fluffy, 'woo' concept - it's actually you, holding a grudge, rightfully, since you were tiny, and not being treated in the way you needed. Until you treat that little girl well, and with the respect she deserves, she's going to keep being upset, just like the imaginary girl in the street would be, if you told her to shut up about her excessive needs.

When we are little we need adults to show us how to deal with stuff, including emotional stuff. When we are older, we occupy the 'parent' position for ourselves. You are now responsible for mothering yourself; that's the definition of adulthood: You don't need a parent, because you have learned how to meet your needs yourself. But you never got taught this. You got taught to shut up about your needs (I presume), and that's what you've learned is the right thing to do. Now your mum isn't responsible for you any more, you have taken over her role, and you tell yourself to shut up about your needs. And that's what's happening in your relationship.

Does it make sense? You are now impersonating the way your mum treated you when you were little. That's where the problem is. That's why it's such an internal issue.