What to do if your needs are not being met in a relationship?

[Fightingback16]

I’m under he impression that if it’s not being given freely then asking for it will be really un-natural.

I’m learning about needs having been in a Long abusive marriage. I have needs (whether others deem them too much) I still have them. My current relationship is not really filling my needs. He is lovely, completely non abusive just not really available emotionally and beginning to become physically non available.

I think if you love someone you will make time if you don’t you will make excuses.

Is this just a case of non-compatibility? It’s a shame as he is a lively person.

I’m impersonating my mum and my husband. He wasn’t stupid he knew my issues and he used them against me. He clocked my mum and her behaviour early on and used the same words and I felt like a child all over again. Instead of leaving him I blamed myself and hated myself very deeply, I was very ashamed of myself but I know that was a projection as he hated himself. It worked though and I put up with it until I had a nervous breakdown.

I just find myself and my emotions hijacked when I feel rejected and it’s irrational. Eg I didn’t see him for about 5 days due to his work and I was going to throw it all in, when this is not what I want to do. I can’t seem to convince the inner me that it’s just work it’s not a reflection on her. My inner me is in turmoil about being rejected all the time.

The thing that you think is hijacking you IS you. The thing that is being hijacked is the creation you have made according to what you have been told you should be. The bit that's missing is the bit that respects and takes care of the real you.

Emotions aren't supposed to be rational, and more than children are. We all have a job to do, with our emotions, as adults. We have to recognise what they're telling us, and soothe them. You don't do that. You try to pretend they're not happening, and then they go nuts because they're desperate be heard, and then you can't keep them under control and you do something that you feel is embarrassing. And then you compound it, by hating the part of you that does embarrassing things.

The problem comes waaaaaay before you do something embarrassing. It comes before you hate any part of yourself. It comes when you have a negative feeling, just a small one, and you say to yourself 'I'm just being silly to feel upset about this.'

You don't need to convince the inner you that the example you gave was just work, and nothing personal. That's a way of invalidating her, and telling her she's making a mistake to feel how she does. That makes her feel worse; it leads to tantrums. If you keep trying to convince her, eventually she'll blow, and she'll scream 'I don't CARE that you think it's not about me!!! I needed some love and HE WASN'T THERE!!!' and you'll say something similar and you'll feel embarrassed. You need to listen to her, and understand her, and nurture her. 'I know you needed some love and he wasn't there. I'll look after you now.'

Your adult side knows that you can't expect another person to take care of you all the time. That's why you think your feelings aren't acceptable. But they are acceptable. The person who needs to take care of that little girl isn't him, or anyone else external: It's you. Stop silencing her. Stop telling her you don't like her. Stop making her feel silly for having her feelings.

When I did this for myself, I collapsed in a corner and my inner little one cried and cried and cried, and I held her (and me) physically, in a strait-jacket-style hug, for AGES. And then I was terrified, because I realised like a punch in the face that I was responsible for me. It's a hell of a task, but after a while, the child settles down. When you listen to her, once she's stopped screaming and crying, you'll hear her voice as your boundaries. She's the one who quietly says 'I don't like this...' when you hear somebody walking behind you at night. She's the one who says 'I feel left out' when your new friend isn't inviting you on group outings. She's the one who says 'I feel like I need more love' when your partner is at work more than you like.

I’ll tell you why I got upset it was because I thought he doesn’t really want to see me and why would he want me, an abused person. I convinced myself his parents don’t really like me and I have no actual evidence of that but then again why would they want there son dating me. I went and deleted my Facebook as I couldn’t stand seeing everyone with there perfect looking families and it was hurting me. I can tell myself rationally that this isn’t the case but I was hurting.
So I sent him a msg stating I didn’t think he has time for a relationship and then I withdrew. But like you said I was in turmoil inside for days until it triggered my chronic fatigue and physical pain took over.

Plus I was feeling very down with this c.f.a and feel like I’d be a burden. He keeps saying I’m here for you but actually he isn’t he is always at work and does now really offer any physical help which I do need. Instead of saying that I went into full blown I hate myself I’m a burden mode.

I can tell myself rationally that this isn’t the case but I was hurting

Rational isn't the route out of this. Our emotions are the wild part of us. The part that, when we get nervous about having to say something hard to someone, is physically preparing us for a fight with a tiger. The part that stops most of us reaching our potential because we're too afraid of failure, even though it wouldn't matter at all if we failed. There's no point, in emotional situations, using rational thought. 'Everything is going to be alright' is useless drivel, when you're emotional self is terrified.

The change has to be made further back; a change, not to deal with the fear when it comes, but to stop it coming. You have to have the confidence that you can successfully fight a tiger. You have to have the confidence that if you fail, it won't break you.

What you need is the confidence that if your partner rejected you, you would love yourself enough that you would be able to make it through ok. It would hurt, but you'd come through alright. You can't love your 'today' self enough for that, until you embrace that little girl and all her tantrums. You have to understand that there is nothing wrong with you: the parts you find embarrassing are just a little kid acting out. You need to be responsible for her, by staying away from people who trigger her tantrums. And if that's every partner you try to have a relationship with, then stay away from relationships for a bit whilst you focus on her. Once she's comfortable that you're trustworthy and consistent with her, you'll have more freedom.

Fightingback16, hope you are ok is the first thing I want yo say. And I did agree with a very early post regarding listen to your emotions and see that they are triggers and there to protect you.

If you feel he's just giving you empty promises about being there for you, well then he is.

I think you deserve better. Some men have habits of pushing you to do the hard work, the breaking up.

Sorry, but I think he's just not worth it.

I would like to think that I would be ok, I have a physical house with a very small mortgage and a job but I’m absolutely terrified with my chronic fatigue illness that I would not be able to look after myself and my daughter alone. I’m pretty sure it triggers a lot more when I’m emotionally exhausted. I wondered the other day whether my body was trying to tell me something and to stop and listen. I lost my dad a few years ago, he was my rock and he would have always made sure I was ok, that has created a massive hole in my life. My exhusband would not allow me to Grieve, he was jealous, so I never got closure on that, I blocked it out.

Lots of things trigger me, people at work etc and I can’t say away from everyone as much as I’d like to as I find it all exhausting. I only post about the bits I find hard with bf and make him out to be bad but he is also learning and not had long term relationships before because he isn’t very confident.
He has helped me a great deal really with my confidence. I have hated physical touch which was a real problem in my marriage but I’m not afraid anymore because he makes me feel safe physically. He would never hurt me or force me to do anything. He has waited patiently for certain things for a long time and always respected me. He isn’t great at articulating his feelings but he has tried. Because of the other day he has sent me very kind msgs and printed me out a photo album of pictures from our relationship over the year. He told me today he has said no to any overtime this week to spend it with me and I’ve said don’t be silly. So he has said he will do a little, an extra evening and that’s great.

I don’t really want to leave him. I feel some of these things I must deal with myself internally. I absolutely don’t need a man to live my life though I know that, I’ve done a lot on my own but come to a place now I’m a bit stuck.

Well, you know yourself what's right for you.

You sound like you've done really well in making progress. I'm sure you will work it out.

I should probably add and it’s probably a major factor in my appalling mental health when I fled from ex I came home…..to my mum and have been here ever since….I hate it. I didnt realise at the time because I thought I loved her but I realise I was scared if her and I’ve always appeased her. I’ve had to wait for my house to go through court then re-decorating as it was a mess when he left, then paying off the solicitors bill and I couldn’t afford to do that and live in the house. I think it will only be a few months now. Most of my misplaced triggers I’m sure is in this house with my mum.

I can tell you my inner child is in complete turmoil living here with her. I don’t like my own mum and I feel terrible for saying that.
When she is around I am a different numb person. I’ve been through so much and she has no idea, I’ve had 0 emotional support from her and I’ve wanted it but I know I’ll never get it and I just kind of dislike her. I feel terrible saying it when she let me and my daughter stay here and she asks for no money but all the mess I’ve got in is her fault. When I mention I’m tired because I do have M.E and I mask it all she just rolls her eyes. I mask mask mask everything and I’m sick of it. I’m so much happier when I’m away and I can’t wait for the next few months when I can have space from her. I feel terribly guilty as I promised my dad I’d look after her. My brother moved quite far away a long time ago and doesn’t help at all,
I suspect he has scars also.

Sorry for emptying my brain on here.

At least the light at the end of the tunnel is there. Sounds like you really need to be away from your mum.

You seem to feel guilty for saying what you feel. You weren't making your boyfriend sound terrible, it's totally fine to dislike your Mum, and you can support your inner child in that, rather than thinking she's terrible for it too, and you're apologising for emptying your brain here, when there's nothing to apologise for.

Don't beat yourself up for having your feelings. You're not saying anything odd, or that pushes the boundaries of normality, or that will hurt anybody. You've been raised by a mother who wasn't interested in meeting your needs, and now you find partners who are similar to some degree or other, and your situation is upsetting you. All of your responses to what you've been through are normal.

You know that being around the wrong people messes up your mental health, because that's happening right now with your Mum. And that's the same for everybody. You can put the sanest, most sensible person in a house with someone who rubs them up the wrong way (even in all innocence), and at some point, they will lose their shit. You have to choose your people.

Choose the ones that you consistently feel good with. The ones who are consistently emotionally available to you, physically available to you. Make more distance between yourself, and the people who trigger you to feel bad, even if they are lovely people. Judging them isn't anything to do with it; judging your own emotional response is everything.

I feel guilty for an awful lot really. I feel guilty for letting myself down. I wanted to say so many things to my ex, I deeply hated him and I never said anything I just pushed it all down because I was afraid and I was in too deep. And now my daughter has a father, a monster she hasn’t seen in 2 years ( I stopped contact, I did that because it’s all I could do to protect her) I feel guilty about that but it’s his fault. So far the courts have denied access but it won’t last. I gave my daughter a monster of a father because I wasn’t strong enough and I let my mother’s voice win. I gave myself M.E. It’s all mine to carry as no one else is able to take it away.

So yeah I’ve been very brave and very afraid and I keep going but inside I’m pretty sad that this has happened and I’ve played a part in it all. It’s not my fault that people have let me down but they are all my memories, I did it all.

I suffer with disassociated memories so it’s incredibly hard for me to match the pain with my memories but I know from this illness I was In a lot of pain, I still am. I am stuck on accepting the fact that I was like that but I was under duress and I no longer am. So that part of me that I was is no longer here and now I’m here and I’m stronger and will not put myself in that situation again. Until I have to see him then it will be scary.

If your needs aren’t being met can you discuss these with your partner? Either that or have a break and get to know what it is you want/ then you can decided whether to go back or not.

Personally I think you should let yourself off the hook. You got pregnant with an abusive partner and you're doing all you can to keep him out of your child's life. You've given yourself hell over this and as a result you're poorly. All of that makes sense. It could happen to many many many of us, and in the nicest possible way, there's nothing special about you in that story. This is something that happens to people who meet bad people and haven't been taught to fend for themselves properly, emotionally. It's not rare or outstanding.

I hesitate to tell you this, because I think you're holding on to it not being true, but... you're normal. At some point, if you want to get through this and be happy, you're going to have to accept that dissociating is something that healthy-minded people do when they are in very very difficult circumstances.

Stop holding on to the specialness of your particular guilt, the specialness of your burden. I'm sure there are 100 special things about you, but your past horrors are not one of them. Nor is your current illness.

The best thing you can do for your daughter is set an example: this was adversity, and this is me, solid as a rock for you, regardless. This is me, happy, confident, forging forwards, regardless.

Not: This is me. I feel guilty even though I had ordinary responses to abuse.

Yes you are right. I do feel guilty when I feel confident like somehow I shouldn’t but I have done lots on my own that I should be proud of. My daughter is great and doing great at school and I’ve done that for her.

I really need to change my thought pattern. Although I got m.e a little while ago when I was still with him due to prolonged stress I’m not helping myself right now.

One thing that bothers me is the way my memories are stored in my head. Disassociated and belonging to someone else. It’s a little weird to feel. They were probably disassociated at the time of making them. Do I just leave them alone like that or do they need re-connecting if that makes sense? I don’t really disassociate anymore, perhaps when I have to go to court but I know sometimes it’s normal.

This all sounds far too complicated for amateurs on Mn to unpick. You need a counsellor and to ditch the boyfriend.

Yes it is complicated and I’m absolutely at a point where I will be getting into contact with someone. BUT, at least I can admit these things even if on here instead of wondering around pretending nothing happened and not knowing why I’m feeling different. It’s definitely a step forward for me to say I’m not ok but I’m ok.

What is it that bothers you about your dissociated memories? How do they manifest themselves?

I'd tend to see them as the thoughts of the child that you're not in sync with, so if you start to relate to her, the thoughts will be less dissociated... they're a symptom, rather than a problem in themselves, if you see what I mean.

They don’t really manifest as anything just when I look back they don’t belong to me. I couldn’t look back for a long time as they made me panic very badly and now they don’t do that they make me very sad that and disbelief.

Do you think that might be because you're getting to a stage of being able to deal with them? It sounds like that part is happening without you trying, because now you can look at them when before you couldn't, and that's not happened on purpose.

Yes and in a way being with this new guy and watching how he behaves when I throw a tantrum is making me realise the difference and that it just wasn’t right. I’ve told him to leave me, I’m not worth it, im struggling and all he keeps giving me back is it’s ok im here for you. In fact the other day I saw genuine fear in his eyes that I was going to end it and I thought he didn’t care about me. Im tired now of pushing and getting embarrassed. I only once spoke back to my ex and told him how I felt and that ended badly physically, emotionally I never spoke of my needs ever again.

But now I’ve got this whole decade of very sad memories. I can’t explain how very child like I became for an adult, it’s embarrassing. I withdrew intimately so far I couldn’t do anything and he abused me badly for that. I can see there wasn’t anything wrong it’s just I was in my child like state and not able to feel “sexy” or anything like that.

People don’t really speak of emotional abuse, in court they just brushed it aside. It’s like he shoved his hand in my mount, reached in and strangled my inner self. I think they need to really see the damage, it’s the same a murdering somebody or attempting too.

Emotional abuse is very common. I was a victim of it myself, and I was very nearly destroyed.

You don't stop being a victim of it when the abuser stops, because what the abuser is doing is using your own feelings and vulnerabilities as a stick to beat you with. They stay with you even after the abuser is gone, as do the memories of hurtful things that were done and said to you.

I want to say something that will sound harsh, but is the absolute truth, and I'm sorry if it hurts: You will stop suffering from this when you choose to. When you make a decision to say 'There is nothing weird about me, so I am going to love myself, and let go of all those hurtful things, because their power was in my self hatred, and that no longer exists'.

It's a big step, and you take on a lot of responsibility when you do it: it's heavy. At the moment, your happiness lies in erasing somebody else's behaviour from the past; when you are recovered, your happiness is something you have to lovingly take care of, watch over, and shape your life around, every minute of every day.

I’ve never really looked at it like that before but it makes sense. How to get someone to stay, one put up physical walls, like forcing me to marry, forcing me to get pregnant and move in within weeks. Two put up mental walls, turn me away from friends and family and make me hate myself and unable to look after myself so I look to him for everything…which I did.

Ive undone the physical, got a job a house and a divorce. Our daughter will be a sticking point and I worry about him getting contact. But mentally I still hate myself, but he put that there to keep me from leaving….but I left. So then we these thoughts are not my own they were planted and still remain? They are very toxic feeling.

Doesn’t really make sense why someone would do that to someone.

So then we these thoughts are not my own they were planted and still remain

They are your own. You've always had them. He tapped into them and got you to use them against yourself. For as long as you do that, you are still a victim of his abuse. You've done so much to get away from the abuse, physically, but now you have to do it psychologically, too.

There's nothing to stop you being the most amazing person from this very minute. Being the person who makes the decisions you think are awesome. Being the person who takes the bravest steps. Being the person who totally rocks, and earns the respect of everyone, and who earns their own respect. Their own self respect. Until you grasp that that is an option for you, opposed to hating yourself and turning the past over and over and worrying about what's wrong with you, you will be stuck where you are.

Choose awesome.

Doesn’t really make sense why someone would do that to someone

It will never make sense to you. We understand people who are similar to us. Take comfort in the fact that you can't understand him; it means you are nothing at all like him. Don't try to make sense of him. He is nothing to you, from this moment on.