What to do if your needs are not being met in a relationship?

[Fightingback16]

I’m under he impression that if it’s not being given freely then asking for it will be really un-natural.

I’m learning about needs having been in a Long abusive marriage. I have needs (whether others deem them too much) I still have them. My current relationship is not really filling my needs. He is lovely, completely non abusive just not really available emotionally and beginning to become physically non available.

I think if you love someone you will make time if you don’t you will make excuses.

Is this just a case of non-compatibility? It’s a shame as he is a lively person.

You know I feel a bit lighter today. I had one of his voices in his head “you think you are so intelligent but you so bloody stupid, just look at all we have I made that happen”.

And I answered him back with sadly you are bloody stupid and I was right. I used to say without me we’d have nothing in a tiny voice and I believe that now loud. God he is so small really, just words.

I did all the work in the house, everything and I would say if we did it together we would build a better connection. I was right.

@TheFoundations can I ask you something else.

When I left and finally went to an abuse support group and met my IDVA she told me I was having a nervous breakdown and I was very close to loosing my grip on reality. She told me I had gone into shut down to protect my mental health. She told my me disassociating had saved my life and that she wouldn’t help me further until I felt safe and to try and keep it in a box until I was ready to open it. I’m thinking this is why my memories have felt so distant, I did that unintentionally to protect myself didn’t I?

I had a nervous breakdown because my inner child had gone wild, was ignored and literally going mental inside me and I ignored her?

I'm not qualified and I can only speak from my own experience. I didn't have what you'd call a nervous breakdown, but I did have some moments of seemingly complete lunacy, where I was nothing like my usual self, and I did get depression to the point where I found myself relieved when I realised suicide was an option.

I'd say that for me, all of these things were the inner child/core me, either raging or giving up because raging hadn't worked.

Dissociating is avoiding reality because we can't cope with the reality. It's really what we need to do outwardly (as in 'You are abusing me so I will dissociate myself from you') in order that it doesn't happen inwardly (as in 'These things are happening but not to me; my real self has left the building') Either way, our core self gets to leave the circumstances, but one way is under our control, and when we choose, and the other one is forced, when we have completely reached our limit. The core self never stops wanting what it wanted to start with: that's why it's important to hear it when it throws subtle hints (like 'I don't feel quite right here/with this person'), rather than waiting until it's doing its nut.

Even if not qualified it makes a lot of sense to me. I’ve always had a little voice inside that I ignored and I thought she was odd. She hated her husband, she did look into ending her life but decided she didn’t want that. Instead I used hope he would die in an accident. I used to beat myself about those abnormal thoughts. They aren’t really just someone who wanted an escape.

Yeah, she's not odd. Only as odd as anybody would be if they were shut inside a human body and had their mouth taped up right through to adulthood!

She's lovely, I'm sure. And she is, and always will be 100% on your side. She's the only person you can totally trust. This is the joy of the process. When you look after her, she looks after you, and brilliantly, too. Best relationship you'll ever have.

TheFoundations

Thank you for giving such an amazing insight into all of this. I have stumbled upon a book which supports this too but I can't thank you enough.

I had a nervous breakdown because my inner child had gone wild, was ignored and literally going mental inside me and I ignored her?

Can relate to this although my breakdown occurred a couple of decades ago. When I first started attempting inner child work (a few months ago), my inner child literally went wild, screaming and tantrums, I think because of the accumulated neglect she had felt and then suddenly distrusted the adult presence. I think this is all going to take some time but it has started to change things around (a bit) for me already.

I have addictions too. None that have gone beyond anything dangerous but just aren't healthy...eating, spending and living in a romantic fantasy world. I've got the first relatively under control (only just)...but I've got a flat feeling imagining the world without these things and not sure if hobbies/interests etc. are going to be enough to fill the crushing emptiness I feel (cue addictions). Therapist asked what I could do in their place (in this instance eating) and I couldn't answer her.

It sounds as if you are making massive strides op, wishing you all the best.

@loneranger123 I’ve looked briefly into inner child a few months ago also and went a bit crazy and extremely angry at everyone. I struggle with these feelings of hate towards my mum still. But my mum was abused as a child by her alcoholic father so I understand which has stopped me from acting on my hate…But I need to acknowledge that I’m not happy with her for not dealing with her own pain and giving it to me. I will try my best not to do that to my daughter.

@TheFoundations I’ve had a really crappy couple of days. Yes I was happy to have some understanding but I felt crap, angry and sad, a whole melting pot and just wanted to be alone. I’ve not been my usual lie of a I’m fine self. My boyfriend has not spoken to me now since yesterday morning (thats unusual). I think he liked the I’m fine I’m strong I can do it all on my self person, which is a lie. So I’ve almost slipped into I’m so wrong, nobody will like the real me. Then I thought bloody NO I’m entitled to feel shit after all,I’ve been through something so enormous I’m allowed to feel like a big hurt child because I AM. Don’t just ignore me when I’m hurting, that’s all I’ve had all my life.

Now I’m thinking he is lovely BUT he isn’t able to handle me and that’s fine, but it still hurts though. He is not wrong and I’m not wrong.

I’m allowed to feel like a big hurt child because I AM. Don’t just ignore me when I’m hurting, that’s all I’ve had all my life

This is the key to it, but you have to say it to yourself, and not expect that provision to your needs to come from somebody else. YOU have to mother the hurt child inside you. YOU have to soothe your unsettledness.

This is why it's so important to get out of victim mindset: Yes, you were a victim of something, but that thing isn't happening now, so you're not a victim now. It's somebody else's fact you got hurt, not yours. But it is your responsibility. You have been the victim, but now you need to be the saviour, and you can't wear both pairs of shoes at once.

I’ve almost slipped into I’m so wrong, nobody will like the real me

You are baring your most vulnerable stuff right here, and you sound very likeable. Remember what Dr Seuss said: Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.

I understand I have a person inside me that has been created by others and there pain. It’s not actually who I am to but then again it is. I understand where she came from but I no longer want to carry it all. I understand she is sad but I know better now so she needs to listen to me a bit now.

Forgiveness is hard.

I tell you the amount of hate he made me have towards myself and it wasn’t enough, he must really hate himself if me hating myself lessened his towards himself.

I understand I have a person inside me that has been created by others

That's the flaw in your thinking that's stopping you getting through this. You have a person inside you that was created by YOU, as a result of the way YOU have allowed others to treat YOU.

I know you've been treated badly, but anything that you are is who you are. There is no part of you that is anybody else's responsibility, fault, or creation.

Unless the abuser is abusing you now, today, then the abuse only exists in your head. And you are in charge of it, rather than vice-versa.

Yes I get that I am that person but people created me because of the hatred they had towards themselves.

My husband created reasons to make me hate myself, I never hated myself before him.
It was all a fake it’s not my hate I hold it’s other people’s and my reactions to there hatred. I don’t really deep down hate myself, I’ve never hurt myself or wanted to. I left him because I knew I wanted better for myself.

My husband created reasons to make me hate myself

But you believed in those reasons. Anybody could say anything to you:

'You should hate yourself because you're fat/ugly/disorganised/smelly/unpopular/whatever'

None of it has any power at all. The things your husband said to you had no power or credibility, apart from the power and credibility YOU gave them. The part of you that gave credibility to those things, your ability to turn against yourself, was there long before your husband came along, and it's still there now, otherwise you wouldn't be here saying these things: You'd be off doing something you loved, and if he/abuse crossed your mind, those thoughts would be dismissed very quickly with a 'Fuck that, I'm not wasting my time thinking about that long gone history!'

It’s not just the things said it the things did. I was incredibly trauma bonded to him via the most intimate things. Getting pregnant then loosing and being called a murderer and smashing up everything, pushing me over and at my most vulnerable time then switching and confusing me only months in. I was literally blown off my feet. He never gave me time to evaluate. Of course I believed him I was confused all the time because he kept it that way.

I am a nice person but I didn’t matter.

Yes, I know. None of that is happening any more. If it stopped happening in your head, where else would it exist?

I think I've said all I can to you, now. You are a nice person, yes. And that's it. You don't need a but or an and or an also. You don't need to think about what you deserved, or whether you mattered.

You matter now, to you. So, if you feel like obsessing about somebody from the past is the best use of your valuable minutes, hours, and days, it's your choice to give your time to that. You could choose to give your time to learning an instrument or doing a course or getting/keeping fit. Or anything else: the world is yours. You have just as much right to a clear mind and an abuse free life as everybody else. They are both things you could choose for yourself, right now.

I wish you all the best