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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I will never get as good as my ex

91 replies

Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 17:24

My ex (25m) of 6 years broke up with me a week ago. I am absolutely heart broken.

I am from a working class family but met my ex at a good university. I discovered a life I wasn’t used to through him: beach holidays at his families holiday home, nice meals, own house, lovely family, lots and lots of friends. We were very compatible personally and sexually. I have been trying to think of negatives but honestly I can’t think of many.

I know there is more to life than money and things. But they do add to a life. Now I am back at my family home and I’m really distraught at never getting to experience someone as good as him again. No one like him will ever want me again and it really hurts. I don’t have any of the things he has and messed up my career for him.

It makes me hurt so much thinking of him with someone else, and her getting to have him and experience the things I did with him. Maybe he needed someone richer to match him.

OP posts:
ShouldersBackChestOutChinUp · 09/09/2021 17:26

Perhaps you could start to work towards creating your own ideals of what a good life could be.

There's always going to be someone better off than you but you can start to develop your own aspirations.

PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 17:32

Earn your own money and make your own life! Then maybe you will value more than wealth in a man.

He definitely wasnt all that, i promise u, for the simple reason that he ended it. He could have been with you but he chose not to be. How could that be the best you can do? Get turned off by that.

I know it is painful at the time, have been there, but it's so shit to be with somebody longterm who makes you feel a bit inadequate.

Mamabear188473 · 09/09/2021 17:33

I think focus on achieving financial success if that’s the life you want rather than waiting for someone else’s money/lifestyle it’s never easy to deal with rejection but from your post you talk more about the financial/lifestyle part rather than him personally/intimately hope you feel better soon x

Kindleandacuppa · 09/09/2021 17:34

Why did he end it OP was it something you could possibly fix?

Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 17:37

@Kindleandacuppa he is going to work in the US for a few years with his company. He said nothing to do with me personally. But convincing myself otherwise.

OP posts:
seensome · 09/09/2021 17:39

You're just being fearful of the future, you are in somewhat control of your own destiny, did you finish uni? How about getting your career back on track, use this time now to just concentrate on your own goals and another relationship will come in time, probably a better one to settle down with, you can be wise and choose the type of man that has his life together also with a good career, I don't see why you wouldn't be able to choose as good or hopefully better next time.

Seesawmummadaw · 09/09/2021 17:41

Well he can’t have been that great because he left you!

Make your own life, don’t rely on someone else to do it for you.

Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 17:42

@seensome thank you for your reply. I think the problem is my self esteem has been severely impacted by this break up. I am convincing myself I am not looking as great as when we got together. I have acne scars and some acne at age 25. When I look in the mirror all I can see is them.

I can’t imagine anyone as attractive as him will want me in this position. I don’t think it helps he is liking a lot of girls photos that look similar to me on instagram.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 17:43

@Seesawmummadaw I see it as me not being great enough/ worth it rather than him not being great

OP posts:
Seesawmummadaw · 09/09/2021 17:43

So look at how you can make yourself feel great.

Strangevipers · 09/09/2021 17:46

You need to build yourself up and once you do you will not have these negative thoughts you are having now!

Self help books and audio booos about self esteem and self live sound like a complete waste of time but they work !

PicsInRed · 09/09/2021 17:49

I don’t have any of the things he has and messed up my career for him.

It makes me hurt so much thinking of him with someone else, and her getting to have him and experience the things I did with him. Maybe he needed someone richer to match him.

I only needed to read the above to know that you dodged a massive bullet, you just don't know it yet. Hopefully you'll see in time, and come to realise that it isn't her who has "won", it's you. Really.

FlowersFlowers

Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 17:49

I would feel much better if my acne scars weren’t there. I’ve looked into treatments but they are so expensive. I think I felt accepted when my ex wanted me even with them, and now I feel like I won’t find another.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 17:50

@PicsInRed please explain what you mean ;( I thought he was perfect for me.

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 09/09/2021 17:54

He cant have been that great if he let you mess up your career for him instead of encouraging and lifting you up in any attempts you made to become strong and independent and financially secure.

Honestly it sounds like he may not have been good for you longterm if you have no idea who you are rlwhat you want from life without him. That's not really a partner...it's a crutch. Time for you to find your own way in life. He has done you a favour.

Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 18:10

@Pinkbonbon I agree - I think I was dependent too much on him. Now I’m left with nothing.

It’s hard starting again at 25. I feel like I’ve failed in my life and he has everything.

OP posts:
PicsInRed · 09/09/2021 18:13

[quote Redrobin5]@PicsInRed please explain what you mean ;( I thought he was perfect for me.[/quote]
What Pinkbonbon said.

I do think you'll come to see it in time.

Marineboy67 · 09/09/2021 18:26

Was this posted a few weeks ago?

flibberyjibbery8 · 09/09/2021 18:29

You're hurting now and that's ok, but don't spend too much time in that place of wallowing and being self-defeatist because it's easy to get stuck there.

You can have all these things you want, you just have to work for them. You're only 25! Learn the lesson that you never give up what you have for a man. Have your own money, continue to build your own career and do what you need to make YOU happy. You can do this whilst in a relationship if it's a healthy one.

I'm 33. I'm divorced with 3 children and I am doing my second degree. I was in care and come from a family in which no one has been to university or even passed their driving test. Just because you come from a certain way of life doesn't mean another is unattainable.

You can do whatever you want to do, and remember- nobody hits the bullseye the first time.

flibberyjibbery8 · 09/09/2021 18:30

Putting your working life into perspective, you likely have around another 40 years of working so you're hardly behind!

StrongerThanA90sTrend · 09/09/2021 18:43

Woah woah ... he left you because he got a job abroad?! After 6 years? What an arsehole. You can absolutely do better than him. Maybe he won't be as well off etc, but at least he won't leave you as soon as a 'better' offer comes up. After 6 years, you don't end a relationship because you need to relocate, you find a way to bring that person with you or make plans to ease the distance. He is a wanker.

VerveClique · 09/09/2021 18:47

You know what you're looking for from life / a relationship now. Wallow a bit and then go and find it.

I had no idea what to look for, how or where!

At 25 you have loads of time.

Pinkbonbon · 09/09/2021 18:49

Chances are you'll have to start again various times throughout your life.

In careers alone, lots of people start over in their forties and fifties at completely different things. Relationship wise there are people who marry well into n old age.

I dont think life is really just working towards an end goal of success or whatever for most people. I think it has rise and dips for everyone throughout life and it's more about the journey.

I'm thinking I might throw the towel in and change everything at some point in the next year or so. Just because i fancy a change. I'm lucky I have no kids so I can just reinvent myself as and when and wherever I like. It's a scary thought but also a liberating one. Who doesn't love anew adventure afterall? I think you just gotta get yourself in the right mindset for it.

You're still young too so the world is your oyster really. Just, be kind to yourself. And dream big.

PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 18:52

What would your career be if you hadnt "messed it up"?

You need your own plan. Xx

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 09/09/2021 18:55

Aw heartbreak is so painful! Remember I cried every morning for 6 months and I'd only been together 6 months!!

Sounds like you got hit hard. But there is definitely light at the tunnel. 💡

Get angry & Use this to propel you forward and make up for lost time. You were at uni so you must be clever. Use your brain and work to achieve something and the rest will follow. Learn a new skill, do a course and create your own dream life.

You will look back on him in 5/10 years time and thank him for it!

Welcome to your new better life that you will be worthy of.

Much love xxx