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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Think I will never get as good as my ex

91 replies

Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 17:24

My ex (25m) of 6 years broke up with me a week ago. I am absolutely heart broken.

I am from a working class family but met my ex at a good university. I discovered a life I wasn’t used to through him: beach holidays at his families holiday home, nice meals, own house, lovely family, lots and lots of friends. We were very compatible personally and sexually. I have been trying to think of negatives but honestly I can’t think of many.

I know there is more to life than money and things. But they do add to a life. Now I am back at my family home and I’m really distraught at never getting to experience someone as good as him again. No one like him will ever want me again and it really hurts. I don’t have any of the things he has and messed up my career for him.

It makes me hurt so much thinking of him with someone else, and her getting to have him and experience the things I did with him. Maybe he needed someone richer to match him.

OP posts:
WorkHardPlayHard1 · 09/09/2021 18:57

@flibberyjibbery8

You're hurting now and that's ok, but don't spend too much time in that place of wallowing and being self-defeatist because it's easy to get stuck there.

You can have all these things you want, you just have to work for them. You're only 25! Learn the lesson that you never give up what you have for a man. Have your own money, continue to build your own career and do what you need to make YOU happy. You can do this whilst in a relationship if it's a healthy one.

I'm 33. I'm divorced with 3 children and I am doing my second degree. I was in care and come from a family in which no one has been to university or even passed their driving test. Just because you come from a certain way of life doesn't mean another is unattainable.

You can do whatever you want to do, and remember- nobody hits the bullseye the first time.

Wow you've come a long, long way, you're amazing 👏👏👏
Thatsjustwhatithink · 09/09/2021 19:04

@Redrobin5

You're only 25, as is he. You've got loads of time to make your own career and money. It's also so much better having things that you earn/bought for yourself.

It's always your own life and achievements that you ever truely have control over. Never a partners. Never a childs.

You'll be fine x

PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 19:08

What is it that you feel you allowed yourself to be sidetracked out of finishing/pursuing??

CaMePlaitPas · 09/09/2021 19:17

I know this is potentially rude but I'm going to say it anyway - have you heard yourself?

I understand you are 25 and it might be your first serious relationship but you really need to snap out of the self pity. Who you are coupled up with doesn't define who you are. You need your own identity and your own goals, you need to focus on your own self confidence. Confidence doesn't come from what you look like but what you can offer the world, not just potential partners.

Your relationship is over but your life isn't. I promise in ten years time you'll barely remember the man's name.

I'm giving you 3 days OP to feel like shit, then on the 4th day you start investing in yourself xx

Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 19:49

@CaMePlaitPas I know, I really do need to snap out of it. I can’t believe some of the things my mind is saying either. I think I may have been depressed about myself when I’m this relationship, so this has tipped me over the edge.

I’m finding it hard to pull myself out of it. Maybe need to go to the GP

OP posts:
PearlyRising · 09/09/2021 19:59

What would you like to do ?!

flibberyjibbery8 · 09/09/2021 20:03

You do sound quite down and seem to be catastrophising which is common in mental health problems. Having a low opinion of yourself will make everything seem hopeless and achieving anything seem impossible, but your brain is lying to you x

FfrothiCoffi · 09/09/2021 20:05

@Marineboy67

Was this posted a few weeks ago?
Yes, there was a remarkably similar thread posted a couple of weeks back.
Onelifeonly · 09/09/2021 20:27

You're are so young. You can start a new career if you want. Don't rely on a man to give you self worth. He sounds shallow if you believe a bit of acne and you having less money than him would put him off.

He chose to work abroad for a few years but that isn't the reason he split with you. If he truly saw you as his life partner, he would have involved you in his decision making.

Most likely hes grown and changed in the last few years and you are no longer the person he wants. That's not your fault. It happens. It's not uncommon for people to try out several relationships in their 20s. I did and always felt the next man was better than the last one.

Be positive - you're young and the world is your oyster- career-wise and romantically.

Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 20:34

@Onelifeonly that really hurts hearing that, although probably true. He said to me he would have married me had we met another few years down the line. That hurt.

I know I need to work on myself. I just can’t stop putting him on a pedestal for all the things he had. And maybe he realised I was so behind in life compared to him :(

OP posts:
Peppapigforlife · 09/09/2021 20:37

He sounds a bit self serving and you're feeling like crap because he actually has hurt you. Just take time to feel that pain and process it and you will feel better and motivated and good about yourself. It's just the pain speaking.

MMMarmite · 09/09/2021 21:22

@Pinkbonbon

He cant have been that great if he let you mess up your career for him instead of encouraging and lifting you up in any attempts you made to become strong and independent and financially secure.

Honestly it sounds like he may not have been good for you longterm if you have no idea who you are rlwhat you want from life without him. That's not really a partner...it's a crutch. Time for you to find your own way in life. He has done you a favour.

I agree with this! A good partner should help build you up.

I take it you have a degree? 25 is not too late! I was out of work a lot of my early 20s due to illness, found a graduate job with good career progression afterwards.

MMMarmite · 09/09/2021 21:24

He said to me he would have married me had we met another few years down the line what the hell? If someone's the right person for you, you don't just go "oh, I would have spent my whole life with you, you're the one for me, but what shame we met a couple of years too early." He sounds like an idiot!

Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 21:32

@MMMarmite unfortunately I still think of him highly. Clearly he is not who I thought he was.

OP posts:
FfrothiCoffi · 09/09/2021 21:35

OP did you post a couple of weeks ago?

RosieGuacamosie · 09/09/2021 21:44

Honestly, I think you need to create your own life of nice meals and beach holidays instead of trying to get a man to do it for you!! Your post comes across like you mostly loved him for the material things he gave you, that’s not right.

Can you go back to uni or restart your career? You’re much more likely to find a partner if you have a good life of your own first.

Original poster
Redrobin5 · 09/09/2021 21:50

@RosieGuacamosie I loved him and that’s just what came with it.

I was living through his life so I did not focus on mine. Now I feel I’ve wasted years on him. He must have felt he out grew me, which makes me put him on a pedestal again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redrobin5 · 10/09/2021 09:53

@Thatsjustwhatithink I think I was somewhat not bothered about other things in my life as I put so much energy into him.

@PearlyRising my career post uni

OP posts:
QueenFreesia2021 · 10/09/2021 09:58

Did you not discuss moving with him when he applied for the job?

Shamsa03 · 10/09/2021 10:24

[quote Redrobin5]@Pinkbonbon I agree - I think I was dependent too much on him. Now I’m left with nothing.

It’s hard starting again at 25. I feel like I’ve failed in my life and he has everything.[/quote]
Sounds like he made it that way.

He doesn't sound particularly nice at all and in time you will see that.

Rosieandjim04 · 10/09/2021 10:31

OP, you need career goals it doesn't sound much like you actually loved him you just liked the lifestyle that came with it. If you want your own things time to start working for them and have a plan to make your own good money .

theleafandnotthetree · 10/09/2021 10:46

I think people are being a bit hard on the OP's ex. He was perfectly entitled to end the relationship for any reasons which made sense to him and it doesn't sound as if he did it unkindly. I know people are trying to make the OP feel better but in the spirit of ensuring she DOES better, I think there are certain features of how you seem to have been with him which may have given him legitimate pause. Overdependence on him, the sense that you were sort of hanging off his lifestyle coat tails, your lack of ambition for yourself.....These are things you need to think about and watch out for in future relationships and life in general. You are heartbroken and have had your vision for your life taken away but from what you say, that was built on shaky ground as you were not in this relationship as equals, not so much because he was 'better' than you as because you thought he was. You are only 25, I was only just starting my masters at that age and your life is in YOUR hands. Which I know is scary but also exciting

Thatsplentyjack · 10/09/2021 10:52

@PicsInRed

I don’t have any of the things he has and messed up my career for him.

It makes me hurt so much thinking of him with someone else, and her getting to have him and experience the things I did with him. Maybe he needed someone richer to match him.

I only needed to read the above to know that you dodged a massive bullet, you just don't know it yet. Hopefully you'll see in time, and come to realise that it isn't her who has "won", it's you. Really.

FlowersFlowers

Thise are exactly the bit that stuck out for me. OP he was not a good guy. Him going to America to work is a bullshit excuse because he would have asked you to go with him if he wanted to make it work!
Original poster
Redrobin5 · 10/09/2021 13:17

@theleafandnotthetree yes I believe I must have pushed him away as well.

I feel worthless and like a failure now. I work from home and am really really struggling to see a way past this. My life seems pointless.

OP posts:
theleafandnotthetree · 10/09/2021 13:30

[quote Redrobin5]@theleafandnotthetree yes I believe I must have pushed him away as well.

I feel worthless and like a failure now. I work from home and am really really struggling to see a way past this. My life seems pointless.[/quote]
Please don't feel that way OP, you maybe didn't handle things optimally but we live and learn. And it's not ALL about what you did or didn't do. He is a person in his own right, with his own weaknesses, his own failings no doubt and his own reasons for ending the relationship. You got together really young and he is moving to another country, many many people do end relationships in those kind of circumstances and it doesn't make them shits or you unloveable or worthless. It's just the ebb and flow of life.

On a practical note and if at all possible I would try and get out of the working from home, it will be doing your mental health no good at all at this stage in your life. I fucking hate it and find it lonely, boring and isolating and I've had plenty of fun in my time and am nearly 50. I'd be climbing the walls if I was 25. Even if it were to do a few pub shifts or something that would get you engaging with the world again.