Think I will never get as good as my ex

[Redrobin5]

My ex (25m) of 6 years broke up with me a week ago. I am absolutely heart broken.

I am from a working class family but met my ex at a good university. I discovered a life I wasn’t used to through him: beach holidays at his families holiday home, nice meals, own house, lovely family, lots and lots of friends. We were very compatible personally and sexually. I have been trying to think of negatives but honestly I can’t think of many.

I know there is more to life than money and things. But they do add to a life. Now I am back at my family home and I’m really distraught at never getting to experience someone as good as him again. No one like him will ever want me again and it really hurts. I don’t have any of the things he has and messed up my career for him.

It makes me hurt so much thinking of him with someone else, and her getting to have him and experience the things I did with him. Maybe he needed someone richer to match him.

@Redrobin5

Thanks everyone.

I know what I need to do now. But I am deeply depressed and spiralling out of control. I can’t see the light through this at all and feel like everyone has their life together but me now.

I think you need to go to your GP and discuss all this, see if they can refer you to a dermatologist/ prescribe medication. Sometimes if you pay initially, you can move up the queue faster. You sound like you may need some anti depressants too.

You have not ruined or wasted your life, although it may feel like it now. People start over me change career at many ages. What I would say is learn from this and never put your needs in second place to any blokes demands.
You are still so young, I’d switch places with a 25 year old in a second! While life ahead of you, things will be vastly different in a few years time IF you let go of the past.
Stop following your ex on social media, block and delete. That life is over now, create a new life. Make your own money, not that money and looks are everything. They can both easily be lost and don’t always make you happy or mean that the person is ‘nice’ on the inside. Move away if you need a fresh start, go travelling and work to support yourself whilst doing so, some places will provide basic food and accommodation for work done. Someone posted on here about singles holidays awhile ago, most of the people going were young. There are lots of opportunities out there, but you won’t meet someone new whilst wallowing over your ex and what might have been. Be thankful this ended now and not in ten years time, when you’ve had children and opportunities would be far more limited etc. Read some of the other threads on here. You have no ties, the world is your oyster.
Good luck

Big class issue here.

Him: family money, middle class background, giving him lots of self confidence, plus an expectation that you work for yourself, build your career, travel, actualize yourself, then only later think about marriage and children. Settling down early is failing. He will have heard this expectation from his parents, school, everyone, since he was a little boy.

He said to me he would have married me had we met another few years down the line.

You: working class background, no family resources or cultural capital behind you, more local mindset, naturally happy to stay with the boyfriend you met at 19, presumably no financial backing or support for making riskier choices, hence you wanted to move to London but doubted you had what it takes.

Despite this you went to a good university. You have got much more ability and potential and grit than you think you have, you've overcome invisible barriers he hasn't. Neither of you are wrong, you just have different expectations of life.

If anyone doubts that there are systemic and structural factors of inequality that affect people right into their most intimate relationship, they should just read this thread!

@MrsBumm I understand what you are saying. It’s just hard to accept. I am struggling coming to terms with the fact I will probably never experience the things I did with him again. And someone else will get to. I am deeply depressed because of it.

[quote Redrobin5]@MrsBumm I understand what you are saying. It’s just hard to accept. I am struggling coming to terms with the fact I will probably never experience the things I did with him again. And someone else will get to. I am deeply depressed because of it.[/quote]
So is at about him, or the lifestyle you had with him?

@FfrothiCoffi it is him too. I know I keep focusing on his lifestyle.

You might get to experience those things with someone else, or even introduce somebody to those experiences yourself!

I suspect you have been supporting him as the person doing what you actually want to do so you are mourning both him and a part of yourself. Now you have to go get it for yourself. What would the new you look like in that world? Clicking along a London street in your expensive shoes, on your way to a really nice fun restaurant or show, tired from a long day in your professional job? It sounds silly to imagine these specific things and of course life isn't about money. But it is all within your grasp. There's nothing wrong with wanting an affluent life and the experiences it brings.

I'm sorry you're heartbroken.
You will meet someone else like him or better have that build that life for yourself after attending university.
Tbh it is like a different world, one that left you feeling inferior or ashamed of your previous life, I'd hate that.
I'm older and wiser.

@EmeraldShamrock yes I wish I could look back now and do things differently.

I worry about my mental state and if it will impact me getting a new job.

I feel so physically and mentally weak right now.

What you really need to keep in mind is he is not and was never better than you. All the lovely things are because he happened to be born into a wealthy family. It is not (despite what entitled people believe!) because they are cleverer work harder or are better people.
You've got this, create your own lovely life. You've got a taste of the nice things you'd like so make it happen. It's not easy , take care

I used to be you. I went to therapy and it gave me the will and new perspective on my situation. I would encourage you to find a therapist/counsellor you like and take some sessions, if only to make sense of/reframe your thoughts on your current situation.

I learned two valuable things from therapy and in the months after:
YOU and only you drive your own life and the universes will never remove something from your life, if it doesn't have something f better to replace it with.

I can stand as an example of feeling exactly as you did and my life, my marriage, my children and my job all show that what you believe is currently impossible is in fact within reach. You just have to look for it.

I think he has helped to make you feel inferior.
You've achieved so much in your life, be proud of yourself.
I'm also from a working class background, I reality you done great you're fantastic.
I bet your family is very proud of you.
With your acne there is support threads recommending miracle creams and ideas.
You'll meet someone who worked hard like you to achieve your education someone financially stable that appreciates what a strong fighter you are.
It is tough but brush yourself down, take a long walk to clear your head.

He is a dick. I know you can't see it now but he has contributed in making you feel you're not good enough.

I worry about my mental state and if it will impact me getting a new job.
Seek counselling now, you can do this.
I feel so physically and mentally weak right now.
You are in pain, give yourself 1 week without guilt let yourself feel shit but promise yourself week 2 by starting small tasks.
You beat this and he'll be the one with regrets he lets you go.

[quote Redrobin5]@MrsBumm I understand what you are saying. It’s just hard to accept. I am struggling coming to terms with the fact I will probably never experience the things I did with him again. And someone else will get to. I am deeply depressed because of it.[/quote]
So what kind of things did you do with him that you would like to have in your life?

I’m not sure it’s his fault that you didn’t prioritise your career, did he actually restrict you from getting a good job?

The points above about systemic class differences are spot on, but social mobility is a thing and now you’ve had a taste of the good life maybe this could be the motivation for working for those opportunities yourself (parents beach house excluded, not many of us have that luxury!). Never a good thing to ride on someone else’s coat tails through life.

But 25 is so young and a good stage in life to learn a hard lesson, you can totally turn things around at this point!

I can't believe what I've just read - you're worried about having to start again at 25!!!

I'm sorry op, I know it's awful having your heart broken but worrying about starting again at 25 is actually funny. I remarried in my mid 40s. I've just been to a wedding of a couple remarrying their late 60s. My DC of your age has not yet had a serious relationship (nor are they at all worried about that) and most of their close uni friends haven't either. So please get out of your head that you in some way a failure because a relationship has broken up at age 25!

Ditto your career - you are very very young. Expect to make several career changes yet. Very few people have their career sorted at 25.

Most of things you mention about your ex are about money, possessions, stuff you will miss. Although those things are nice they aren't automatically linked to a good relationship. You can be rich and unhappily married. You risk looking for the wrong things and never finding the 'right' person if you narrow your field to wealthy people or specific critieria.

If you want to be wealthy / have a nice house / nice holidays, then look to yourself, and plan a career that will provide that in time.

If you forget the 'stuff', the material things, what was it about HIM that made you love him? What do you miss about him?

It is understandable to feel heartbroken at the end of a relationship. There are no words I can write that are going to help with that, the only thing that will help is time. Time will take care of everything, I am certain of that.

What you need to work on for now is yourself. If you do things right now, I think you will look back and see that the end of this relationship was a blessing for you. The alternative was that you could have found yourself at 40 or 50 with no career or financial independence behind you. You are only 25, the world is your oyster.

Don’t pin your future happiness and even your future financial comforts on finding the right partner, this is not the 18th century. You are educated, went to a good university you say, no employer is going to care about you being 25 versus 22. It is time now to invest in yourself and your future and whilst you are doing so, in the background your heart will works towards healing itself.

And stay away from your ex!