Think I will never get as good as my ex

[Redrobin5]

My ex (25m) of 6 years broke up with me a week ago. I am absolutely heart broken.

I am from a working class family but met my ex at a good university. I discovered a life I wasn’t used to through him: beach holidays at his families holiday home, nice meals, own house, lovely family, lots and lots of friends. We were very compatible personally and sexually. I have been trying to think of negatives but honestly I can’t think of many.

I know there is more to life than money and things. But they do add to a life. Now I am back at my family home and I’m really distraught at never getting to experience someone as good as him again. No one like him will ever want me again and it really hurts. I don’t have any of the things he has and messed up my career for him.

It makes me hurt so much thinking of him with someone else, and her getting to have him and experience the things I did with him. Maybe he needed someone richer to match him.

I've read a very similar thread a week or so ago.

You've been together for 6 years, but 19 is very young to find 'the one'. He is on an upward projectory with his career. You seem to have given yours up to hitch your star to his wagon. He has grown, but you haven't.

It's now an unequal relationship that would have been unlikely to survive long distance. What opportunities would there have been abroad for you if he'd have asked you to come with him?

I agree with pp that he has been unfairly criticised. I also think that he's indirectly done you a big favour. Time to get yourself back on track and succeed on your own merit. You did well to get into a good university from a disadvantaged background. You've got it in you to carve your own path. These 6 years haven't been wasted. You've had experience of a different lifestyle. Use it to clarify your goals. Something to aim for? Or not as important as you thought?

Good luck, Op. Heartbreak is hard. But this could be the making of you.

Whilst I agree with the other posters that you've still got your life ahead of you and so much time to achieve so many things, right now you feel crap. That's ok - feel upset, but remember to look after yourself too. You mentioned your acne - that really struck a nerve with me as that was me in my early 20's too and it's such a confidence destroyer. I had treatment that was actually not too expensive. It was basically ultrasound on the scar tissue. It wasn't a magic fix and to begin with it looked worse - treatment lasted about 3 months and the difference was hugely noticeable at the end. A couple of years later and people didn't even know I'd had acne. I hope you manage to find a treatment that suits you if that's what you want to do.

The best song I ever listened to when I was dumped by someone I thought was the love of my life was Cher - Believe.

Go find yourself and enjoy the journey. It's glorious.

@theleafandnotthetree @Thymeout I agree with what you say. But I am finding it so hard not to put him on a pedestal and it is destroying my self esteem so much. My life seems so shit compared to his.

I think I am depressed.

OP I am sorry you are feeling so terrible and I think that the end of this relationship has churned up feelings of inadequecy, imposter syndrome, etc. that are more deep rooted and that exist outside of your present heartbreak. I hope I'm not speaking out of turn but It's almost as if your relationship gave you a way into the kind of life and lifestyle you wanted and now that that pillar has crumbled you think you were a fool for thinking that you could have it and that you now never will again or at least not with someone who hold in such esteem. I come from a similar background to you and I have had those kind of feelings too, still do occasionally. And I admit I do have a bit of a chip on my shoulder about the ease with which some people seem to glide through life due to the pure good fortune of being born in X kind of family. But OP the only way to deal with that - assuming that you don't want to carry thiese kind of feelings with you throughout your life - is to just get out there and create a good life for yourself bit by bit. You build self esteem by doing estimable things, you feel better by doing better, you take the advantages you already have - youth, good education, good health - and you bloody well turn them into something which makes you feel good about yourself. And while your exes life sounds very lovely indeed, it's not the only template for a good life, it's just the one you've seen up close. If I had my time over and were your age, there are a hundred worthwhile and interesting things I could think of to do outside of nice holidays, meals out, etc, the typical trappings of a middle class life. They may or may not come for you again, on your own or with someone else but you have got to start figuring out who you are and what you are worth without him. And then acting on it. You are very sad right now and might not be ready to hear any of this, but that doesnt make it any less true. When I feel as you do, I find it helpful to read or watch or listen to simething really intellectually stimulating/difficult to remind myself that I have a bloody good brain if nothing else

What work do you do OP? You're so young, everything is ahead of you.

@theleafandnotthetree you have hit the nail on the head. I was living my life through him and I think covid didn’t help as he got used to his life without me :( I feel he has everything and I have nothing. I felt this way before and now he broke up with me I feel even more inadequate. I know I need to improve my own life but I am lacking the energy to even get out of bed in the morning currently.

I know it sounds stupid but part of me wishes he did this when I was younger. Then I wouldn’t have invested so much time into him, and more into myself.

OP I understand how devastating a break up is - we’ve all been there and felt like we’ll never feel that way about anyone again, never be okay again, etc. Those feelings fade and disappear. Try and take some positive lessons from this - you know you’re not happy WFH so is it possible to go into your office, move jobs internally/do a secondment/ask to spend some time with a different dept to learn new skills? Look for a new job? Take up a hobby you’ve always fancied? Reconnect with old friends or ask colleagues out for a drink?

You know now that being too dependent on someone else can leave you bereft if they’re no longer around. If you want fancy holidays, a nice house and a wide social circle, set about creating it yourself.

For context, I’m now 32, but when I was 25 I’d just moved to London to pursue a specific career, I had a string of unsuitable short term (and some abusive) ex boyfriends behind me, no money, no real cohesive social group, and no idea how I’d actually get into the industry I wanted because I’d quit my degree.

7 years later I’m earning well in a decent role in said industry, still in London with a bunch of good friends and I recently bought my own flat. I have a little side hustle that I love spending time on, a dog, and I’m doing several extra things at work to upskill and progress. I’m single, but I’m not looking - I’m totally fulfilled in my own company and i’ve created the life I want. As it happens, purely by chance I’ve recently met someone who could be a romantic prospect, and it really did happen when I wasn’t looking and was living my best life on my terms. It might not become anything but im fine with that, because ive got everything I need and I made it happen. It is possible. Don’t give up hope.

@TedMullins that is wonderful. How did you go about creating a friendship group in London? I did want to move to London years ago but my own self doubt stopped me. I don’t know anyone there and worry I’d be lonely. I should have just done it years ago but did not back myself enough.

[quote Redrobin5]@theleafandnotthetree you have hit the nail on the head. I was living my life through him and I think covid didn’t help as he got used to his life without me :( I feel he has everything and I have nothing. I felt this way before and now he broke up with me I feel even more inadequate. I know I need to improve my own life but I am lacking the energy to even get out of bed in the morning currently.

I know it sounds stupid but part of me wishes he did this when I was younger. Then I wouldn’t have invested so much time into him, and more into myself.[/quote]
OP it is very early days, a week is nothing after a relationship that long so please don't be too hard on yourself in terms of not wanting to get out of bed etc. You feel terrible and who wouldn't in your situation. The key is to try if you can to do small things which are good for you even if you don't feel like it and to nurture yourself. So take a walk or a run even if the tears are running down your face, eat a really good snoothie even if it tastes like ashes in your mouth, read or re-read your favourite book. You will hopefully soon get little glimmers of hope and possibility and feel more able to start thinking about doing the bigger things like moving to London (am jealous!). I reiterate what I said earlier about stopping working from home if at all possible. You need a reason to put your game face on, even for part of the day.

Move in to a house share! I went to london at 23 with a boyfriend and broke up on my 26th bd. Lived in house shares with irish australian and s8uth african house mates. All v friendly and open to socialising. Still in touch with a few of them DECADES later

It was much more fun than living with a boyfriend

Didn't you post this last week? You got the same replies

OP I'm a decade older than you and fairly recently broken up (about a month now).

It felt incredibly shit the first week, especially as we didn't take much of a break from each other. We then had a few days of no contact whatsoever and by the second day of knowing I'd have to get on without hearing from him it got better mentally. I then looked at my budget and invested in myself, mainly by building in weekly exercise out of the house, some by myself, some where, while it's a solo activity, it's easy to communicate with others.

I also made a point of trying something new daily - cook something I had never cooked before, shopping at midnight because I could, a new craft to try, a sporting activity I had never done before, a random chat with a stranger just for fun. Every little thing built up my self-confidence, took my mind off things and made the endless grief cycle pause.

A month on, I am not bothered if we're not in contact for a few days. We're friends, can talk, but I don't want him back as a partner. That chapter is closed. And I am (learning to be, some days) fine being on my own. I had a few new male colleagues start in my department and someone said "you've got your pick there" and I replied saying "I really don't want my pick".

There are many advantages to being single. Mostly, time-related.

All the things that you were able to do and be through him - now is your chance to do them for yourself.

Everything you felt he brought to your life: weave it into the fabric of your life going forward.

You don't say what you do for work, but get ambitious. See where your career path could take you, and if you feel it won't take you where you want to go, shift industries or retrain while you're still young.

Have the courage to try London if that's what you've always wanted - house-shares are great, as people say.

@Redrobin5 first of all I moved into a house share - I agree with everyone saying that would be a good first step. Now is the perfect time for you to move to london for a career you want, with no ties elsewhere. I met people through work as well, on social media (a lot of networking in my industry is done on twitter) and there are facebook groups specifically for women new to london who want to make friends. I would say its easier to make friends in London than a small town/city.

I'm sorry you're feeling so down OP and understand that it is really hurtful when a relationship ends. You definitely WILL find better than him. We all do, as we learn from each of our relationships, and identify what a good one - for us - looks and feels like.

Right now though you really need to block him and stop looking at what he's up to and start looking after yourself and investing time and energy in to building yourself and your life. Love for you, not someone else.

A bit off topic, but a prescription of £20 month for 'Dermatica Retin A' cleared my (ancient) acne scars and prevented new spots forming. I can't recommend it enough. Another good prescription skin care brand is 'Skin and Me' - both are recommended on here loads
(Over on style and beauty).

Onwards and Upwards Soldier! You can do this!

And actually he sounds a bit of a privileged knob, whose possibly been spoilt all his life, with fancy holidays and holiday homes and wealth. A lot of younger people who've had this turn in to incredible, pompous bores as they age! You've dodged a bullet, honestly.

I appreciate that you're very young still OP but you need to find your own purpose in life as many PP have said. Your own self-worth, your own career, your own friends and interests and financial resources. You need to become self-sufficient, but clearly need some time to heal first.

It wasn't healthy to be living vicariously through him and it sounds as though he did the right thing ending the relationship, for both of you, as it had become disfunctional.

It sounds like you equate self-worth with having a partner/ male attention. I am not criticising - this is pushed in young women all the time. But seriously, that is not the place that you will find self-worth or satisfaction in life.

You are ONLY 25, have had the good luck to go to a good university despite not being from a well off family - and you think you need a man to give you a good life. This is incredibly depressing. You should be focused on making your own career, and being financially independent to the point you can have all those luxuries, with or without a man.

It is not too late to develop a career, change it if you need, start again - but do whatever you have to, to achieve the success in life you enjoyed with him. Confidence is attractive in women, and many men especially your generation, want someone who is their own person, has their own success and hobbies, and isn't quite so dependent on them.

Before you date again, get your life back on track. The fact that at 25 you think you can't do better means you need to serious work on your self esteem. What are you proud of? What achievements can you remind yourself of? More importantly, what can you now do to achieve things that will make you proud.

Don't fall into self pity. Acne scars etc - no one cares about as much as you think. However, insecurity and not having anything to call your own makes you unattractive to people.

Work hard, work smart, make a career, travel the world - basically do something with your life whereby you will be proud of it, and attract people who want to be a part of it. Break ups are devastating but this should be the wake up call you need, that you have been coasting on someone else's coat tails for a while and now need to do the hard slog yourself.

Good luck! Greater happiness awaits on the other side.

If I had to guess what the incompatibility between you two was, Id say he is pro-active and you were too passive. No big plan of your own. No passion indulged. No hobby. Just happy to fall in to step with his agenda.

Learn from that op! Get your own life plan and dont ever put it back up in a shelf for a man.

Thanks everyone.

I know what I need to do now. But I am deeply depressed and spiralling out of control. I can’t see the light through this at all and feel like everyone has their life together but me now.

Go easy on yourself. Allow yourself to be sad. What you're going through is very difficult.

But at the back of your mind, at the same time as allowing yourself to feel sad, have a very firm plan that you will bounce back from this stronger, with more of your own plans.

What was the path you were de-railed from ? Is that something you'd like to go back to? What are your passions and hobbies? Do you make time for them? anywhere you'd like to go, to see the northern lights, to walk the camino? would it be more restorative right now to do it alone and feel so brave afterwards, or to do it with a friend, or in a group of people all setting off together?

Make a life that is all about you and what you want in the future and what brings you joy now!

No rebound relationships though! That is where my life hit the skids. Not kidding.

Ps, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to have your life all sorted out.

A lot of people experience a bad breakup in their 20s. And in their 30s, 40s, 50s and beyond. I think it hits hardest in the 20s though.

If you're really feeling terrible, there are a lot of talks on youtube about how to get over a bad breakup. You could spend all day listening to uplifting messages on youtube. I suggest you look after yourself today by listening to these talks and reminding yourself that this is such a universal experience.

If you don't feel better go to the gp. I had a course of lustral after I was dumped at 29 and it did make me feel better but obviously I still had a shaky sense of myself and no boundaries and a fragile self-esteem, but I did feel less depressed.

click on this op

Thanks both. I think it’s not just the broken heart, but that I am also deeply unhappy with other aspects of my life (if not all of them).

I do have a prescription of anti depressants from my GP that I got two weeks ago but I’m so scared to take them. How have I got to this.