Husband on grindr

[jubilee456]

Hi,
I recently caught my husband on grindr, after being married less than 6 months. He says he only ever downloads it when he is drunk. We sat down and spoke about it and he says he had an experience in Thailand many years ago, and this found a new interest in trans women. He says he is not into men. I thought we were good, but admittedly we have always found it difficult to have deep, meaningful conversations.

On top of all of this, it has come to light that he may have bipolar, which would explain the impulsive and reckless decision making. He has been referred and waiting for a diagnosis.

I need advice. On one hand, I chose to marry this man in sickness and in health. If he is genuinely mentally ill, I want to support him. On the other hand, I feel deeply betrayed by his lies and talking to other people behind my back.

He is adamant that he has never once met up with any of these people as he's never had the balls to. But he says he does it for a sense of feeling wanted. He is saying he loves me and only wants me, but I now have serious doubts. What if this happens again in the future? I don't want a relationship where I feel the need to check up on my husband or have this constant worry of who he is texting.

He says his behaviour is fuelled by alcohol and has admitted he has a problem. He is willing to give it up. This addiction all ties in to the symptoms of bipolar and I just don't know which direction to go in, is this a sign telling me to walk? Or do I stay and support my husband irregardless of what he has done.

I'm bipolar, and my partner of 12 years is bisexual. Neither of us see those as being a valid excuse to cheat.

But he says he does it for a sense of feeling wanted.
Well, sure - if a husband says this after decades of marriage, knowing that the wife isn't attracted to him anymore. But nobody thinks about that after just a few months of marriage, with a loving wife. I think he married you either out of hope (hoping for a ”normal” life, committed, stable, monogamous, hetero) or out of fear of coming out of the closet. Either way, you lose. Because wanting to be wanted by transwomen isn't a passing whim that can happen to anyone.

"ClaudiaWinkleHam Wed 08-Sep-21 19:20:30

No. They are women."

No. They are men. Transwomen are men. And that is why they are on grindr. They are men.

Any mental health or personality issues are separate from sexual orientation and preference.

He has a thing for trans sexuals, they have a dick and balls (usually in addition to chest implants), he goes on gay hook up sites to interact with them, moreover he's had sexual experiences with prostituted ones (sounds like he did it abroad I a developing country so there's more issues with exploitation and morality there but let's put that aside for for minute).

He's .... BI or gay or one of these "men who have sex with men' but will never label.themselves as bi or gay. Either way you haven't got the right equipment for him; he's making you into a type of beard.

Also if he says he has done anything physical since the past experience abroad, from my experience on this on this site; that's usually a lie. Men tend to act on "fantasies" more than women. They tend to have quite a physical, base sexuality compared to women (on average) and if theyre on gay sites, have usually had "encounters".

Even if he hasn't; this is not going to work. It is totally and utterly unfair on you.

The sticking to your marriage vows thing .... my dear, that's a two way agreement, not a unilateral agreement.

He is not, so you do not have to. You owe him nothing. He's making a farce or your heterosexual, monogamous marriage... the agreement is null and void.

Don't martyer yourself.

Just get out.

It's not your failure, its his.

Oh and "feeling" wanted; if a man with a devoted, committed, loving wife of a few months doesn't feel wanted; there's something wrong with him.

And why does he need to feel wanted by trans sexuals?
No heterosexual man would, if they wanted to cheat, it would be with females.

He's full of shit. Utter bullshit. It's actually angering the sort of bullshit he's rolling rolling here.

You got married on the basis of believing he was a heterosexual man who wanted a monogamous relationship..... he is not.

That's a type of fraud.

You don't need to stick to your side of the agreement when the other person had acted fraudulently.

(And monogamy for the vast vast majority of people includes sexual messaging and interaction, and being active in dating and hook up sites; even if even if truly hasn't done anything physical).

Come on stop deluding yourself. Signing up on gay dating websites us NOT a symptom of being bipolar.

I just wonder why the sexual exploits in Thailand and the subsequent interest in trans women came out after you were married? Maybe you would have still wanted to marry him, but it’s duplicitous that he never once mentioned this in the run up to your wedding.

It’s also quite sad he’s never met up with anyone on Grindr ‘because he doesn’t have the balls to do it’. Surely it should be because he wants to be faithful to the woman he chose to marry?

Well of course he likes men. He's looking at men with penises. Maybe he doesn't want to admit to himself that he has gay tendencies and so transwomen is a more palletable option for him but he is bi sexual at the very least - perhaps even gay although he doesn't want to admit it

@SealHouse

"ClaudiaWinkleHam Wed 08-Sep-21 19:20:30

No. They are women."

No. They are men. Transwomen are men. And that is why they are on grindr. They are men.

Agree. They're men.

He is gay. He wants to fuck men. Trans women are not women they are biological men.

This is not a mental illness. Would you go up to an openly gay man and tell him he is mentally ill because he prefers men?

He might be sending himself daft by cowering in the closet. He may be bipolar. But lusting after men means only one thing and is not anything you can “help” him with by making a martyr of yourself

It’s also quite sad he’s never met up with anyone on Grindr ‘because he doesn’t have the balls to do it’. Surely it should be because he wants to be faithful to the woman he chose to marry?

Yeah, that was an absolutely shocking (and significant) statement... nothing about fidelity or decency, just "didn't have the balls to".

I think @SleepingBunnies21 has nailed it there to be fair.

You need to make another new life for yourself.

@SealHouse

"ClaudiaWinkleHam Wed 08-Sep-21 19:20:30

No. They are women."

No. They are men. Transwomen are men. And that is why they are on grindr. They are men.

Nope

What makes a transwoman a woman and not a man?

Their lady dick of course.

Lots about him in this post and very little about you
I have to agree with those who say hi polar doesn’t make you cheat

You don’t even know if he has bipolar. It’s also possible that he’s gay and drinks too much and has depression to try to squash who he really is.

Cut your losses now and get out. You will never be happy with him and never trust him.

@ClaudiaWinkleHam whether you call them men or women is irrelevant. Sexuality is related to sex. Transwomen are male. Her husband therefore is gay or bisexual. He is not heterosexual which is what OP believes he was

He has recently seen the GP (after me finding out about Grindr) - who has diagnosed him with clinical depression or manic depression. She has referred him to a mental health specialist and for counselling.

Did you see any paperwork from the doctor? It's just that 'manic depression' is a term no longer used in practice (it's now officially called bipolar disorder) though obviously there are always people who use incorrect terms. I would just be surprised if a doctor did so.

Have you seen any paperwork with this? Also a GP absolutely can't diagnose bipolar, only a psychiatrist will do so - the GP would refer him to a psychiatrist for assessment, not provide a formal diagnosis.

Run for the hills.

Convenient for him to start indulging his fantasies now that he has the safe cloak of a heterosexual marriage

@youvegottenminuteslynn

He has recently seen the GP (after me finding out about Grindr) - who has diagnosed him with clinical depression or manic depression. She has referred him to a mental health specialist and for counselling.

Did you see any paperwork from the doctor? It's just that 'manic depression' is a term no longer used in practice (it's now officially called bipolar disorder) though obviously there are always people who use incorrect terms. I would just be surprised if a doctor did so.

Have you seen any paperwork with this? Also a GP absolutely can't diagnose bipolar, only a psychiatrist will do so - the GP would refer him to a psychiatrist for assessment, not provide a formal diagnosis.

Yeah he's rolling out mental health problems as an excuse for cheating, and for non heterosexual cheating at that.

They are two separate things.

This is the script.

It's always rolled out when theyre caught; addiction, depression, bad childhood, mental issues....
As predictable as the sun rising.

Excuses excuses.

Funny how they're never bothered by these things while theyre cheating, until theyre caught ... and are in danger of losing things that are convenient to them (their pri.art relationship, their reputation, their conformity, their security etc).

@SarahBellam

You don’t even know if he has bipolar. It’s also possible that he’s gay and drinks too much and has depression to try to squash who he really is.

This.

Also I know a girl who is bipolar and she has relationships and encounters with men; because she is heterosexual.