Husband on grindr

[jubilee456]

Hi,
I recently caught my husband on grindr, after being married less than 6 months. He says he only ever downloads it when he is drunk. We sat down and spoke about it and he says he had an experience in Thailand many years ago, and this found a new interest in trans women. He says he is not into men. I thought we were good, but admittedly we have always found it difficult to have deep, meaningful conversations.

On top of all of this, it has come to light that he may have bipolar, which would explain the impulsive and reckless decision making. He has been referred and waiting for a diagnosis.

I need advice. On one hand, I chose to marry this man in sickness and in health. If he is genuinely mentally ill, I want to support him. On the other hand, I feel deeply betrayed by his lies and talking to other people behind my back.

He is adamant that he has never once met up with any of these people as he's never had the balls to. But he says he does it for a sense of feeling wanted. He is saying he loves me and only wants me, but I now have serious doubts. What if this happens again in the future? I don't want a relationship where I feel the need to check up on my husband or have this constant worry of who he is texting.

He says his behaviour is fuelled by alcohol and has admitted he has a problem. He is willing to give it up. This addiction all ties in to the symptoms of bipolar and I just don't know which direction to go in, is this a sign telling me to walk? Or do I stay and support my husband irregardless of what he has done.

@Potteringshed I think you’re sort of missing the point - even if OP’s husbands behaviour is due to the bipolar, she is still perfectly entitled to leave him if it crossed a boundary that she finds unacceptable.

I'm sorry to read this OP.

You've only been married 6 months and this happens? I'd be leaving.

If you were my daughter, I'd be helping you pack a bag and bringing you home. Don't throw effort after foolishness, which is what it would be if you continued with him.

@Potteringshed

Honestly, OP, I think MN is the wrong place for you to be having this conversation. 90% of people commenting here clearly have zero experience with hypomania or mania. Bipolaruk.org has a forum which I think has a sub forum for family/carers where you'll get much better advice from people who understand the situation properly. They won't just declare that cheating has nothing to do with bipolar disorder, or bipolar doesn't make you fancy people you wouldn't normally (which is totally inaccurate).

It also might be worth asking your GP if he knows of any support groups locally? I know my DH found that really helpful at one point when I was very unwell.

Really? He's been on Grindr and had an 'experience'.

Don't be so naïve when he's a cheat

He wants to put his cock in other men and have them put their cocks inside him.

THAT is the only truth you should need to leave him.

If I found my husband on a dating site after 6 months then his bags would have been packed and a lawyer called that same hour.

How convenient he tells you he has mental health issues. Why is it that whenever a man gets caught cheating he blames it on poor mental health. Even so, let him sort that out on his own without you.

And I’m not even going to touch on the he’s interested in trans women. Why would you even want to be married to a man like this?

Trans women are men though.

OP I would leave. This is all too much.

That’s an impressive array of excuses and explanations which do not hang together. Him being bi polar is a red herring in all of that, mental diagnoses don’t swap out your sexuality. He’s a liar and a wannabe cheater

@Realyorkshiretea - yes. She is. Which I said in my first comment. I just think maybe it would be helpful for her to get some actual advice on her actual situation so she can make an informed decision rather than listen to people who know jack and shit tell her that her marriage has always been a lie and that her husband is just a closeted gay.

Of course leaving is an option. This isn't Jane Eyre. Mental illness doesn't mean your partner can't leave.

If you hadn’t found the app, would he have arranged to meet someone? And when he says he attracted to trans men I assume that’s pre-op? If so the top half may appear female but the bottom is all male… can you handle that? Regardless whether he has MH issues, the attraction is there and that’s incidental to whatever else is going on.

[quote Potteringshed]@Realyorkshiretea - yes. She is. Which I said in my first comment. I just think maybe it would be helpful for her to get some actual advice on her actual situation so she can make an informed decision rather than listen to people who know jack and shit tell her that her marriage has always been a lie and that her husband is just a closeted gay.

Of course leaving is an option. This isn't Jane Eyre. Mental illness doesn't mean your partner can't leave.[/quote]
Being gay isn't a mental illness you know !

Being a cheat is not excusable.

He doesn’t like men? But he likes trans women who 9/10 have a penis. The math adds up to that he likes penis.

Why would you want a man who went out of his way to download an app that’s designed for sex? And sex with men at that..

If he’s figuring out his sexuality then let him do that on his own time. If he was on tinder it would be equally appalling.

Being married is a lifestyle choice. That means you should not be on dating/hookup apps of any time. That is for single people.

Why do people act like they don’t understand that if you’re married you just can’t go around doing single people things? Dating apps. Not for you. Sexing others.. also not for you.. you have to go out of your way to cheat on your spouse. All that action to download and scroll thru apps is time better invested in your marriage.

Your husband is showing in his actions that he doesn’t want to be married. Believe none of what he says and look at his actions.

[quote Potteringshed]@Realyorkshiretea - yes. She is. Which I said in my first comment. I just think maybe it would be helpful for her to get some actual advice on her actual situation so she can make an informed decision rather than listen to people who know jack and shit tell her that her marriage has always been a lie and that her husband is just a closeted gay.

Of course leaving is an option. This isn't Jane Eyre. Mental illness doesn't mean your partner can't leave.[/quote]
I just can’t help but feel that any ‘he did this due to mental illness’ narrative will be soft coercion for OP to stay to ‘support’ her DH through obligation and ‘be kind’

You are not his sexual preference AND he wants to cheat. No need for you to take on his guilt. Leave immediately.

@Anordinarymum - during one of my manic episodes I began to believe that I had been sent to earth by alien gods to provide sexual healing to those who needed it. I had sex with a lot of people I really would never have normally been attracted to, including some very high risk and frankly awful extreme sexual practices. Because I believed that the gods wanted me to and were sending me messages via the posters on the Underground telling me to.

This was followed up by a horrific depressive crash partly fuelled by some of my memories of that time and some of the things I'd done.

While in hospital I spent time with another bipolar patient who was a very nice middle class girl who had engaged in risky sexual behaviour with men who thought she was a prostitute and had no idea why. It just seemed like a good idea at the time. Out of character and high risk sexual behaviour is a text book symptom of a manic episode. It's why bipolar is often a devastating mental illness and not the "sometimes I'm happy and creative and sometimes I'm a bit sad" nonsense in popular culture.

I'm not being naive about this at all.

OP if your don’t do anything else please get tested for STIs!

A lot of them can have no symptoms in women and could impact your fertility later down the line.

He wants to shag men, that's why he is on grindr. The trans thing is a weird 'excuse' so you don't think he's gay. Nothing you can do will change this - leave him.

OP

1. If someone does something to you that you aren't comfortable with, for any reason, you don't need to stay their friend, lover or spouse.

1. If he was interested in women he'd not have been looking Grindr. Women aren't on Grindr.

1. Marriage is a contract. You signed that contract based on who he'd shown you he was. This has now changed, very quickly since signing this agreement. Do you want to spend the rest of your life like this? Why do you have to? Sometimes love is real but so is the suffering it brings with it, and the love just isn't enough. I say this as someone with experience of a significant post-marriage change that I didn't react to and am now stuck, 10 years later. This is the best time of your marriage, it doesn't improve on now.

1. Whatever you decide to accept, or not, do not have kids with him, at least for the foreseeable future (assuming you've got none together).

1. Have a STD check, please. He didn't come to you and tell you he's on Grindr, you found out. It's highly unlikely that if he has cheated with anybody that he's going to admit it off the bat. At the moment, you're taking his word, which he's shown doesn't count for much given your recent vows (forsake all others etc), over your own health.

1. Your job here is to take care of yourself physically and mentally because he's definitely not. If you don't, then both of you are focussing on him, and you don't get a look in.

I don't know how the bipolar partner support groups are, but the groups I've been part of for a different condition/illness focus heavily on how it's not the partner's fault for their behaviour and the "healthy" partner basically needs to just understand more and accept more. If they don't then they're not kind, not empathic and even "ableist". This is not a healthy dynamic. You're not obliged to stay with him because he has an illness. You're allowed to set your own boundaries and if it doesn't work, then it doesn't. That's sad and hard, but nowhere near as hard as being in a relationship that you deep down don't want to be in because it's making you unhappy. You don't get medals for having your boundaries walked all over.

Op,
Has you both been checked for STDs?

A family member has bipolar but its mostly controlled with medication and they live a normal life.

I think there are men who 'have a thing' for trans women but imo they're men whether they've had surgery or not - maybe your DH doesn't want to admit they're gay or bi.

Regardless of this, its not on for him to be downloading dating apps full stop. Don't be swayed by his sudden MH crisis into staying with him - you need to do what's best for you.

You've only been married 6 months and he's already looking for "a sense of feeling wanted"? This is just huge pointed flag for all the things to come if you continue in this marriage.

You've also got two ways of thinking about this:

Trans women are men - so he is gay and looking to sleep with gay men.
or
Trans women are women - so therefore he's looking for another woman to sleep with because you aren't enough for him.

Neither are situations you should be putting up with.

I don't think it matters if people on here understand bipolar or not.

You need to think about what you want from your life. If spending it supporting someone who is mentally ill, addictive generally, and also unable to be sexually loyal to you isn't compatible with that, you need to leave.

If you want children, don't have them with this man.

I'm bipolar. Honestly, I would walk away unless he absolutely 100% commits to stopping drinking and has some serious psychotherapy to get to the root of his issues. I did six months of intensive psychotherapy and it totally saved my life and saved my marriage. But ultimately it is all about taking responsibility for your actions and the consequences and for a lot of people that is just too much like hard work.

@fluffiphlox

Run, run like the wind.

This.

FGS run! The sooner the better.