Husband on grindr

[jubilee456]

Hi,
I recently caught my husband on grindr, after being married less than 6 months. He says he only ever downloads it when he is drunk. We sat down and spoke about it and he says he had an experience in Thailand many years ago, and this found a new interest in trans women. He says he is not into men. I thought we were good, but admittedly we have always found it difficult to have deep, meaningful conversations.

On top of all of this, it has come to light that he may have bipolar, which would explain the impulsive and reckless decision making. He has been referred and waiting for a diagnosis.

I need advice. On one hand, I chose to marry this man in sickness and in health. If he is genuinely mentally ill, I want to support him. On the other hand, I feel deeply betrayed by his lies and talking to other people behind my back.

He is adamant that he has never once met up with any of these people as he's never had the balls to. But he says he does it for a sense of feeling wanted. He is saying he loves me and only wants me, but I now have serious doubts. What if this happens again in the future? I don't want a relationship where I feel the need to check up on my husband or have this constant worry of who he is texting.

He says his behaviour is fuelled by alcohol and has admitted he has a problem. He is willing to give it up. This addiction all ties in to the symptoms of bipolar and I just don't know which direction to go in, is this a sign telling me to walk? Or do I stay and support my husband irregardless of what he has done.

@Potteringshed

I've got bipolar affective disorder and sexually risky behaviour and developing sudden out of character interests is a symptom of hypomania and mania - one of the key symptoms in my diagnosis was that I had a pattern of engaging in inappropriate and often extreme behaviour with people I'd later realize I didn't fancy at all. It's a horrible come down - waking up and realizing you've had sex you'd never normally want. So I disagree strongly that his interest has nothing to do work bipolar. It might not, but it may well do.

Having said that, if his behaviour isn't something you can cope with, I think it's irrelevant whether that behaviour is due to his illness or not. Bipolar can be a tricksy beast and managing it is likely to be a life long journey. He won't just take a pill and it all stops. Can I ask where he is in the journey? Has he seen a psychiatrist/started meds yet? Or is this just a "maybe"?

I have had an inkling in the past that he may have bipolar. He has mentioned that other people in the past have said it to him too but he has never admitted it to himself.

He's had a tough childhood, all the way into his teens and this was the realisation point for him. He has recently seen the GP (after me finding out about Grindr) - who has diagnosed him with clinical depression or manic depression. She has referred him to a mental health specialist and for counselling.

His reckless behaviour does not just include downloading grindr when drunk, he has also recently been drink driving.

Upon moving in together, he works from home 24/7. He mentioned that it's making him crazy but we all (including his family) didnt take it seriously. When all the truth came out he mentioned he is hardly working, stays in bed all day and feels so lonely.

To also clarify, he says he does not like men. He says he likes trans because they look like women? He says its just a fantasy. Please bear with me as Im still trying to get my head around this. Im trying to process this all.

Get an STD check as well OP as we're talking prostitutes in Thailand as well as hook up sites. He could have passed anything onto you including HIV, warts and chlamydia which if left untreated, an leave you infertile.

No, OP - don’t let him brainwash you into feeling like you’re obliged to emotionally support him while he abuses your trust and experiments with something he should’ve figured out long before putting the ring on your finger.

Get a divorce. Move on. Otherwise this will be a ‘thing’ for the rest of your life.

It’s not your job to fix him.
He’d obviously be happier having sex with males or in an open relationship where this was permitted.
You’re obviously not be happy being in a relationship with someone who has sex with other people.

It’s not your responsibility to give up your own happiness and boundaries to facilitate his.
You both need to move on.

Don't spend the next god knows however many years in a bad marriage to a man who was trying to cheat on you within six months of the wedding.

Don't buy into the sunk costs fallacy. You'll be in a much happier place in five years time if you walk away now than if you stick around trying to "help" him.

To also clarify, he says he does not like men

Downloading Grindr is a funny way of showing that.

My friend’s partner did exactly this - downloaded Grindr then tried to tell her ‘his mate did it when he wasn’t looking’. She also found transsexual pornography in his laptop history, and on more than one occasion found him passed out drunk wearing her underwear. He said it was because they ‘looked like women’ but with the ocean of pornography involving real women, it seems like a way of indulging gay fantasies without admitting to to themselves that they’re attracted to men. They think if the man is wearing makeup and a bra then somehow it makes it ‘more straight’.

Anyway the gaslighting of him telling my friend that he hadn’t done anything wrong, it was fine etc really wore her down after a while and it took her a while to leave him. But she did and is much happier now.

He definitely likes men. OP.

I agree with pp that you shouldn't waste years trying to fix him. I know you must be absolutely devastated right now but a slow devastation over the next decade or more would be even worse.

I wouldn’t be staying, he is not going to change, they never do

If it was Tinder would you be so forgiving/believe him when he says he’s never met up with anyone?

I’ve been in a similar situation with someone who referred to their interest in sex outside the relationship as an ‘addiction’. Unless you are open to the idea of an open relationship, I would walk from this now.

I’d leave him for drink driving alone.

This man will not bring you happiness OP. He’s not being honest with himself, let alone you. You’ll spend your entire relationship doubting everything he says and does.

Cut your losses.

Focus on actions, not words or promises.
So, for the moment, the only response is to separate temporarily, because the action of downloading a gay hook up app is outside the promises he made six months ago.

if he gets a diagnosis and if he responds to medication effectively and if he stops drinking in the future, then you might consider resuming the marriage.

He can say all the fancy words he wants, but ultimately those are meaningless when it's actions that need to happen to repair the damage he did.

Drink driving too?

Ffs OP come on, you're worth more than this relationship.

It'll take everything out of you until there's nothing left. And then he'll probably leave anyway.

Get rid of him and start a new life, a happy and healthy one.

@jubilee456 You can get an annulment if you've been married less than a year. Get it now. The drink driving would actually be worse to me than the other stuff. Marriage vows work both ways, it's not free rein to do anything you like and expect your partner to support you, no way. You don't have to give him any second chances or help him change, he's done this within SIX MONTHS of marrying you! His chance is gone. You deserve so much better than being stuck with this for a day longer, never mind the rest of your life. Good luck OP x

There are a lot of diversions in the post. The fact it's gay men/trans women- doesn't matter. The fact that he may have a mental health condition- doesn't matter. The alcohol- not important either.

He did something you do not like and which you feel betrayed by. That's what matters and what you need to focus on.

[quote 19Bears]@jubilee456 You can get an annulment if you've been married less than a year. Get it now. The drink driving would actually be worse to me than the other stuff. Marriage vows work both ways, it's not free rein to do anything you like and expect your partner to support you, no way. You don't have to give him any second chances or help him change, he's done this within SIX MONTHS of marrying you! His chance is gone. You deserve so much better than being stuck with this for a day longer, never mind the rest of your life. Good luck OP x[/quote]
This is wise advice.

Help him out of the closet by booting him out and down the road. And then please work on your boundaries and standards.

Oh, and it doesn't really matter what floats his boat. It's cheating, don't lose sight of the real issue!

'On one hand, I chose to marry this man in sickness and in health. If he is genuinely mentally ill, I want to support him.'

Being gay isn't a mental illness. Yes, if he is on Grindr he isn't looking for a woman..

If he has a ' thing for transgender people ' then he should have married one !
As you are not , would you feel happy to live the rest of your relationship being a cover for him ?

@TartanJumper

There are a lot of diversions in the post. The fact it's gay men/trans women- doesn't matter. The fact that he may have a mental health condition- doesn't matter. The alcohol- not important either.

He did something you do not like and which you feel betrayed by. That's what matters and what you need to focus on.

It kind of does matter.

Cheating is a betrayal full stop, but for me there would be an additional layer of questioning his attraction to me & the authenticity of our relationship - I would wonder whether I was being ‘used’ as a cover up. I know the ‘fairness’ part of your brain wants to see it as the same thing but it just isn’t.

@jubilee456

Hi, I recently caught my husband on grindr, after being married less than 6 months. He says he only ever downloads it when he is drunk. We sat down and spoke about it and he says he had an experience in Thailand many years ago, and this found a new interest in trans women. He says he is not into men. I thought we were good, but admittedly we have always found it difficult to have deep, meaningful conversations.

On top of all of this, it has come to light that he may have bipolar, which would explain the impulsive and reckless decision making. He has been referred and waiting for a diagnosis.

I need advice. On one hand, I chose to marry this man in sickness and in health. If he is genuinely mentally ill, I want to support him. On the other hand, I feel deeply betrayed by his lies and talking to other people behind my back.

He is adamant that he has never once met up with any of these people as he's never had the balls to. But he says he does it for a sense of feeling wanted. He is saying he loves me and only wants me, but I now have serious doubts. What if this happens again in the future? I don't want a relationship where I feel the need to check up on my husband or have this constant worry of who he is texting.

He says his behaviour is fuelled by alcohol and has admitted he has a problem. He is willing to give it up. This addiction all ties in to the symptoms of bipolar and I just don't know which direction to go in, is this a sign telling me to walk? Or do I stay and support my husband irregardless of what he has done.

Support him OP? Are you joking??

Finding trans people attractive and wanting to bonk them (potentially) is not a mental illness.

From what you say, there will be a hell of a lot of hard work, heartbreak, mistrust etc. if you decide to stay. But it won't change anything, you will be doing all the placating and caring, and he will carry on regardless under cover of substance abuse and BPD.

I would never be able to trust him ever again, and frankly would not be prepared to put in so much hard work to keep things going. I would leave as soon as it is practical to do so.

It does not matter who he wants to fuck or why - he is a cheating arsehole.

Honestly, OP, I think MN is the wrong place for you to be having this conversation. 90% of people commenting here clearly have zero experience with hypomania or mania. Bipolaruk.org has a forum which I think has a sub forum for family/carers where you'll get much better advice from people who understand the situation properly. They won't just declare that cheating has nothing to do with bipolar disorder, or bipolar doesn't make you fancy people you wouldn't normally (which is totally inaccurate).

It also might be worth asking your GP if he knows of any support groups locally? I know my DH found that really helpful at one point when I was very unwell.