Breakup - been blocked - long post sorry...

[chocteapot321]

Apologies in advance for the long post - I just wanted to get this out as I'm in an upsetting situation and I just keep going over everything in my head and can't make sense of it. There probably aren't any answers but I'm just looking for advice, opinions really or if anyone has been in a similar boat.

I was dating a guy for 5 months and it ended on Saturday. I'm 35 he's 36. Neither of us married before, no kids, but both wanted to settle down and potentially have kids in the near future, so I thought I'd struck gold when I met him on a dating app earlier this year. Previously I'd been single quite a while and worked on myself so I really thought I was ready for a relationship and from even our first messages on the app we hit it off. We chatted for hours each night and when we met in person we got on so well, found each other attractive etc. It soon progressed and I was seeing him every weekend (we lived 2 hrs apart). Due to the fact I was living with a family member temporarily, I went to him most of the time or we went away for weekends etc. I stayed during the week sometimes too as I work remotely sometimes so could work at his house. We were in contact every single day too.

I have always had some trust issues due to childhood experiences but I have done a lot of work on myself. The 5 months were not all plain sailing and we had a couple of rows where I questioned things like where it was going, if we were exclusive etc – maybe a bit too soon – but he always surprised/reassured me and I realised that it was hopefully going somewhere.

A few weeks ago we had a huge argument when I was at his which ended with me driving home in tears and I thought it was over. The reason we argued is because I questioned him about his ex and he got extremely defensive. He just kept repeating himself saying ‘you’re too insecure, you will never trust anyone, this won’t work.’ When I got home I thought that was it – over. I was devastated but I didn’t want to wallow and I was hoping in the back of my mind that he would change his mind so I tried to stay positive – I removed him from social media purely because I couldn’t bear to see him pop up, I met up with friends, exercised, basically just trying to move on. The whole time I was thinking about how to get him back and wondering if he was missing me too. 1 week later I crumbled and messaged him. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did. He responded straight away, surprisingly and said he would like to meet up for a coffee (I hadn’t suggested meeting, just asked how he was). When we met up he said he’d made a huge mistake, was in love with me and wanted to be with me. I was ecstatic, hadn’t really been expecting it and was so happy.
Unfortunately that wasn’t to be.

Just two weeks later we found ourselves in a similar situation. We were watching tv and looking at stuff on his laptop and a message from his ex popped up. It was nothing flirty just obviously a response to general conversation so I asked him, oh, I thought you hadn’t spoken to her for a few months? He immediately got very defensive. We ended up at each others’ throats for half an hour or so before he finally said ‘You’re right, I heard from her last week and we had been messaging but you can read them, there’s nothing in it, it’s just friendly.’ – I do actually believe him. Am sure they weren’t seeing each other/sleeping together but the point was he had lied about when he last heard from her. He said he did this to stop me getting upset, which I sort of understand. The problem is, because he lied, we had this almighty row when the message popped up and he asked me to leave his place again. I ended up leaving and going home in in tears again, and when I got home I saw that he had blocked me – on text, whats app, messenger, social media. Everything. I can’t believe it.
I’m devastated and because of the way things went and the fact he says my insecurities were the reason for it not working, I am blaming myself. I spent every weekend with him (sometimes longer than a weekend) for 5 months and I just feel like I have absolutely nothing else in my life at the moment. I have no way of contacting him now and I know I shouldn’t try anyway but I feel completely lost. All I want to do is speak to him and I can’t. I find it so hurtful that he blocked me, I wasn’t expecting it at all, but obviously that means he is serious and really does not want to hear from me ever again.

I keep thinking ‘if I hadn’t said this, if I hadn’t questioned this, if I hadn’t done that’ And then I think well actually, I didn’t do anything wrong, he got overly defensive and he should’ve just told me the truth in the first place?! I honestly feel like I am going mad. Why would he tell me he loved me only to throw it back in my face and tell me I’m too insecure (even when he admitted he had lied) and completely cut me off, just a matter of days after saying it? I know insecurity is unattractive but I can’t believe that within the space of only 10 days or so, he went from telling me he was in love and speaking about the future to blocking me because I questioned something that popped up on his laptop (when we were both looking at it – I was not snooping!!!) We’d had conversations about moving closer together, buying a house one day and whether we wanted children. I just don’t understand it and it’s got me wondering if it was all an act or whether this really is all my fault?

I suppose the underlying thing is I’m 35, single and would like kids. I just feel so gutted that this has happened when after such a long time I met someone I thought was a good guy and who I clicked with.

Sorry this is such a long post. Thanks in advance to anyone who responds, I just feel so so alone and any words of support or clarity would be helpful.

Hi OP. I'm so sorry you're feeling upset.

From an outside perspective, this doesn't look like a healthy relationship and I don't think it would have worked regardless. The whole blocking and removing from social media thing is very immature. You're both in your 30s and there's no need to be at each other throats. It all sounds far too tumultuous and I think that's an indication as to how your relationship would have been had it progressed.

I certainly think you're better off without him. He was clearly love bombing you by telling you he loves you to get you back. I wouldn't be shocked if he unblocks you and gets back in touch. He'll probably be very remorseful and say nice things to reel you back in... and the cycle will continue.

Move on now and don't look back x

So sorry this has happened OP. Am a similar age and had a similar length relationship that went awry this year (different reasons). From my point of view, it sounds like your gut was telling you this wasn't right, if you were arguing about exclusivity and he lied about hearing from his ex. This instinct may have been making you act in an insecure way, and I'm not saying it was based on anything terrible he did, rather that you didn't feel as though you were on solid ground with him. Maybe it was due to thinking things were too good to be true, maybe it was due to picking up signals that he wasn't genuine or right for you. Either way, it doesn't sound like a relaxed or stable relationship so rather than ruminate too much, spend some time healing, doing things that make you feel good, and in time, get back out there.

Hi op I'm so sorry I understand how your feeling but it didn't sound like a healthy relationship I think you need to stay away from him

Thank you @Withgasoliiiiine you’re right and I know I behaved insecurely from time to time - but with reason I suppose. He lied about a few things even though he made himself out to be this really open and honest guy. He then picked up on my insecurity and it was a vicious circle I guess.

@AramintaLee I agree I can’t understand the fact he’s gone through every possible channel and blocked me, it hurts and it feels like that’s why he’s done it, to get to me. I totally agree it’s childish but I just keep thinking why…. Does he hate me that much?! The things I said weren’t even out of order I don’t think - and I am willing to admit I’ve behaved like a crazy woman in relationships before. I was calm and fair whenever I spoke to him but he just flew off the handle any time I queried anything at all and pointed out all my flaws. If he is trying to hurt me by cutting me off, it’s worked. I’d love to say I’ll just forget about him and move on but it really seems to have affected me and I wish it hadn’t. Now it’s my best friends wedding this weekend and he was supposed to come with me, I’m a bridesmaid so I’m just trying to pull myself together as I need to be there for her and feel selfish for wallowing about this but I can’t seem to snap out of it. All I want to do is speak to him

I want to be able to be strong and move on but for some reason I’m fixated on the good parts of our relationship and how much I miss them, and whether I’ll ever have that with anyone else. At my age and having dated a lot, I’m dubious.

My experience comes from a different place but i'm well versed in insecurity and anxiety unfortunately. Reading your post I think some more work on yourself is required.

Quizzing and questioning people you've been with for a very short period is only ever going to end one way. Also, did he actually lie to you about speaking to his ex, or did he just not tell you as he knew you were likely to over react?

It's so easy to project your insecurities onto the other person, and always assume the worst, but as the receiver of constant scrutiny and accusation, you will ultimately push them away - nobody wants to feel like they're being assessed and watched and questioned all the time, if it;s totally unjustified.

I would recommend reading up on anxious attachment style, and secure functioning relationships. I was never one for therapy etc, but research into this type of thinking massively helped me, and gives you tools to try and keep your behavior in check, and how to deal with anxiety etc.

Also don't put too much pressure on the situation - I fully understand you probably wan to meet somebody and have a family, but it doesn't necessarily mean that every potential relationship going forward HAS to fit that bill, just because you want it to; you can't force this situation unfortunately. Maybe less pressure would create less anxiety for you also. Good luck

@Heliachi yes I’m having counselling at the moment. You’re right it was very intense. He’d questioned me about friendships in the same way but I suppose the difference is I didn’t lie when I answered him.

Objectively you’re right this obviously wasn’t right for either of us but I just wish there was a way to stop wanting him back / wanting to speak to him. I can’t even if I wanted to because I’ve been blocked but at the moment it’s all I can think of and I just want to be able to get on with my life.

I think @AramintaLee has it about right. The relationship you had sounds a bit tumultuous.

It must be hurting right now because the split has only just happened - and we've all been there and can empathise with how you're feeling. However I think once the dust settles and you look back on your relationship you'll see it wasn't meant to be and you'll be able to look forward with some learning for next time and I'm sure you'll meet a great guy in the future.

@JengaCupboard thanks for your reply. You’re right. I have done some research into this before yes but I suppose I just don’t know where to start because my issues seem to be so deep rooted.

Thanks all for your replies . I guess it is me who needs to work on my issues, I’m just so sad that something which was (90% of the time) so good has fallen apart and because it’s just happened I can’t imagine feeling like it about anyone else but I’m sure that’s just because I’m upset at the moment. I just wish there was a way to fast forward and not feel like this as I feel so alone and I spent so much time with or speaking to him.

It's great that you can see you have work to do, OP. But I don't think that this relationship fell apart just because of you. I think that you were both bad for each other: his picking on your "faults" was never going to give you the security you need and repeated arguments in only 5 months is not going to do that either. So your insecurity grows and he is unwilling/unable to reassure you. The ex texting is just the icing on the cake. I think his childish behaviour only serves to drive your anxiety

@Shurl thank you. I think I’m in a place where I am struggling to see the wood for the trees so to speak… so I’m battling with blaming myself and hating myself for ruining it and accepting that actually he wasn’t perfect and drove me to feel that way. It’s tough but obviously it wasn’t right. Why oh why do we have a tendency to focus on the positives after a break up though?!

@chocteapot321 Speaking from experience (I myself was once in an intense, volatile relationship for about the same length of time) you'll look back and wonder what you ever saw in him. The human brain has this horrible habit of making us want what we can't have. The fact he's blocked you is probably making you more desperate to see him and get him to want you. I promise it's just a trick of the brain. There is nothing that you've said about him that warrants your affection.

I doubt he hates you, he's just playing the game to make you feel small and undesired so when he inevitable unblocks you, you'll feel grateful of his attention. It's a control tactic that works time and time again.

@AramintaLee thank you. You’re right it is making me desperate even though when we previously rowed I accepted it probably wasn’t going to work, it’s like he’s trying to get to me and it’s worked, all I want is to hear from him, even though that would do no good at all! Especially after reeling me back in before and telling me he loved me out of nowhere. It just feels like a game and I feel lost now but obviously he feels he has the upper hand / control. I just want to be able to rise above it and move on with my life but I guess that will take time.

A friend advised me to get back on the dating apps but I cannot face it, I’m not interested in meeting anyone else and he is probably on there too so I can’t face seeing that. I just want to feel better first.

Your right to want to feel better first @chocteapot321. Give yourself some time and self care. Wallow for a bit with tubs of ice cream or soppy movies - whatever helps. Thats all normal behaviour - but give yourself a time limit on that. After this period start going out again - for yourself. meet friends etc - do hobbies, Go to the cinema by yourself (honestly I found that liberating the first time I did it!)
Then - when you feel the time is right you can put yourself back out there again.

I think you need to prepare yourself around the possibility he may unblock and contact you again - stay strong when this happens - don't let him reel you in again.

I’m sorry OP , it’s a horrible horrible feeling

Sounds to
Me that your mutual triggers are strong

You have insecurity and jealousy issues
He can’t handle jealousy and trust
OR he likes to stay a bit too close to exes
Only you can judge

Him blocking you is mainly a sign he is angry and upset
You don’t block people you are indifferent about

But , if neither of you can change or meet you are going to stay miserable
People don’t really change in my opinion
They compromise

So I bet he will eventually make contact

But don’t go on dating apps ! You are too fragile and tinder is fucking brutal

Stay busy , work , see friends and take care of yourself

You said you have worked on yourself so focus on that
Not all men make their ex’s feel jealous xx

[quote chocteapot321]@Heliachi yes I’m having counselling at the moment. You’re right it was very intense. He’d questioned me about friendships in the same way but I suppose the difference is I didn’t lie when I answered him.

Objectively you’re right this obviously wasn’t right for either of us but I just wish there was a way to stop wanting him back / wanting to speak to him. I can’t even if I wanted to because I’ve been blocked but at the moment it’s all I can think of and I just want to be able to get on with my life.[/quote]
Great that you're having counselling. Do you use headspace? I noticed yesterday that they have a meditation specifically on getting over a break-up. Might be helpful.

If you would like children I suggest that you research solo motherhood. You don't have to be committed to that outcome but lots of people i know found it incredibly reassuring and felt more in control to find out more about it and they learned a lot more about what they wanted from a relationship, family, motherhood etc.

The best way of getting over something is to focus on something else. You weren't right for each other, he may not have been trustworthy, but he's not worth more head time from you. Focus on yourself.

A relationship will never work when you’re this insecure and jealous

OP, I mean this gently, but if a woman had come on here and said that her new (new because it is only 5 months and that's the time in a relationship that's fresh and fun and exciting) boyfriend can't cope with the odd friendly message from her ex, and she felt she was having to lie in order to manage his emotions/stop him from trying to control who she talks to, and he always went off the deep end for every perceived slight, we'd all be telling her to run for the hills. Your relationship has so many red flags it's hard to know when to start and I can see that you're really not good for each other.

OP, lying is a big one for me. I wouldn't tolerate someone lying even and especially if it was to protect my feelings.

I think when it comes to stuff like this; contact with exes, you need to trust your instincts.

I dated someone for 5 months a couple of years ago. He had been married for 20+ years, split up and dated someone else for a year. They split up 6 months before he and I started seeing each other.

I met his ex wife who he was still friendly with. She was lovely - no issues. But he wouldn't take me out in his local village, despite me meeting all of his friends. I suspected why.

He then got very worried when his daughter put a photo of us on a day out on SM in case the ex girlfriend saw it. He claimed to have no contact with her. I asked him why it mattered if they had no contact. His response was disproportionately angry for the question, he talked about not wanting to rub her nose in it or upset her and I dumped him. I'm not insecure but I'm not not going to be made a fool of. A year after ending a year long relationship, her feelings shouldn't have superceded mine in his mind.

The way to get over it is to reframe it to yourself. He didn't block you because you did setting wrong or there is something wrong with you. He blocked you because he was behaving badly. He lied to you.

This guy i was seeing ticked so many boxes for me included boxes I didn't know I had! I'm different to you though - I don't focus on the positives after a break up, I start to see all the negatives in a new light!

However, rows within the first 5 months would be enough for me to walk away anyway. In fact, rows at all would. I'd need to be with someone I could talk to about disagreements. Not row.

Hi op. I was dating someone for 5 months a couple of years ago and we saw each other about as regularly as you and this guy. We didn't argue at all but he ended things quite unexpectedly and I was quite upset by it. We had actually ended things a few weeks before too as he hadn't been quite truthful about something either but then I ended up messaging him, we saw each other as 'friends' again but one thing led to another and...

Anyway, we started seeing each other casually again for a few more weeks and things were fine until he ended it again.

At this point, as upset as I was, I deleted his messages and number and have not seen or spoken to him since. Helped me get over it much quicker than the alternative of "shall I message him/will he message me" scenario. I didn't block him as I didn't see the need but he never got in touch anyway and I think I knew this.

I went back onto OLD to take my mind off things and met my partner within a couple of days, who I have now been with for 2 years.

I had a lovely time with the other guy but I can see we weren't right for each other longer term. I knew this at the time really but I liked him a lot so continued to see him.

So sorry OP. I think this relationship high lighted that you may need to work a bit more on your insecurities. After 5 months you shouldn't be screaming at each other....its over now. Gather yourself up and spend some down time away from apps. Everyone has a past OP, I keep in touch with some of my exes, we chat to each other asking how we are. There are no romantic feelings for them just care for how they are doing as friends and as someone who shared a part of my life. He has blocked you because he is really upset and angry and has to step away to heal without reminders. Its what all MNetters advise when a relationship is over. Keep busy and spoil yourself a bit, you will be ok.

@Thisisworsethananticpated I think you’re spot on. I do have those issues but I think he might have some too, he lied about a few things and if I try and think about this objectively it does feel like he tried to manipulate and control the situation a bit. He reeled me back in and sort of undermined my confidence so if this has happened a few weeks back I’d have been better equipped to deal with it, but as it stands I just feel a total mess and don’t know how to move forward at all.

*just feel like I have absolutely nothing else in my life at the moment.

for some reason I’m fixated on the good parts of our relationship and how much I miss them, and whether I’ll ever have that with anyone else.*

I am very sorry that you are being messed around like that. As others have said, it doesn't sound like such a great relationship to me.

It sounds as if he, consciously or unconsciously, was blowing hot and cold. This is bound to unsettle you, even if he didn't actually mean to, that is the impact it will have on you.

It's not a healthy relationship. You may have dodged a bullet here. A bit of tough love is what the doctor would order here.

The sooner you 'rip off the plaster' of allowing yourself to think 'what if' and build yourself a life worth living, the better your life will be. All the very best.