Breakup - been blocked - long post sorry...

[chocteapot321]

Apologies in advance for the long post - I just wanted to get this out as I'm in an upsetting situation and I just keep going over everything in my head and can't make sense of it. There probably aren't any answers but I'm just looking for advice, opinions really or if anyone has been in a similar boat.

I was dating a guy for 5 months and it ended on Saturday. I'm 35 he's 36. Neither of us married before, no kids, but both wanted to settle down and potentially have kids in the near future, so I thought I'd struck gold when I met him on a dating app earlier this year. Previously I'd been single quite a while and worked on myself so I really thought I was ready for a relationship and from even our first messages on the app we hit it off. We chatted for hours each night and when we met in person we got on so well, found each other attractive etc. It soon progressed and I was seeing him every weekend (we lived 2 hrs apart). Due to the fact I was living with a family member temporarily, I went to him most of the time or we went away for weekends etc. I stayed during the week sometimes too as I work remotely sometimes so could work at his house. We were in contact every single day too.

I have always had some trust issues due to childhood experiences but I have done a lot of work on myself. The 5 months were not all plain sailing and we had a couple of rows where I questioned things like where it was going, if we were exclusive etc – maybe a bit too soon – but he always surprised/reassured me and I realised that it was hopefully going somewhere.

A few weeks ago we had a huge argument when I was at his which ended with me driving home in tears and I thought it was over. The reason we argued is because I questioned him about his ex and he got extremely defensive. He just kept repeating himself saying ‘you’re too insecure, you will never trust anyone, this won’t work.’ When I got home I thought that was it – over. I was devastated but I didn’t want to wallow and I was hoping in the back of my mind that he would change his mind so I tried to stay positive – I removed him from social media purely because I couldn’t bear to see him pop up, I met up with friends, exercised, basically just trying to move on. The whole time I was thinking about how to get him back and wondering if he was missing me too. 1 week later I crumbled and messaged him. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did. He responded straight away, surprisingly and said he would like to meet up for a coffee (I hadn’t suggested meeting, just asked how he was). When we met up he said he’d made a huge mistake, was in love with me and wanted to be with me. I was ecstatic, hadn’t really been expecting it and was so happy.
Unfortunately that wasn’t to be.

Just two weeks later we found ourselves in a similar situation. We were watching tv and looking at stuff on his laptop and a message from his ex popped up. It was nothing flirty just obviously a response to general conversation so I asked him, oh, I thought you hadn’t spoken to her for a few months? He immediately got very defensive. We ended up at each others’ throats for half an hour or so before he finally said ‘You’re right, I heard from her last week and we had been messaging but you can read them, there’s nothing in it, it’s just friendly.’ – I do actually believe him. Am sure they weren’t seeing each other/sleeping together but the point was he had lied about when he last heard from her. He said he did this to stop me getting upset, which I sort of understand. The problem is, because he lied, we had this almighty row when the message popped up and he asked me to leave his place again. I ended up leaving and going home in in tears again, and when I got home I saw that he had blocked me – on text, whats app, messenger, social media. Everything. I can’t believe it.
I’m devastated and because of the way things went and the fact he says my insecurities were the reason for it not working, I am blaming myself. I spent every weekend with him (sometimes longer than a weekend) for 5 months and I just feel like I have absolutely nothing else in my life at the moment. I have no way of contacting him now and I know I shouldn’t try anyway but I feel completely lost. All I want to do is speak to him and I can’t. I find it so hurtful that he blocked me, I wasn’t expecting it at all, but obviously that means he is serious and really does not want to hear from me ever again.

I keep thinking ‘if I hadn’t said this, if I hadn’t questioned this, if I hadn’t done that’ And then I think well actually, I didn’t do anything wrong, he got overly defensive and he should’ve just told me the truth in the first place?! I honestly feel like I am going mad. Why would he tell me he loved me only to throw it back in my face and tell me I’m too insecure (even when he admitted he had lied) and completely cut me off, just a matter of days after saying it? I know insecurity is unattractive but I can’t believe that within the space of only 10 days or so, he went from telling me he was in love and speaking about the future to blocking me because I questioned something that popped up on his laptop (when we were both looking at it – I was not snooping!!!) We’d had conversations about moving closer together, buying a house one day and whether we wanted children. I just don’t understand it and it’s got me wondering if it was all an act or whether this really is all my fault?

I suppose the underlying thing is I’m 35, single and would like kids. I just feel so gutted that this has happened when after such a long time I met someone I thought was a good guy and who I clicked with.

Sorry this is such a long post. Thanks in advance to anyone who responds, I just feel so so alone and any words of support or clarity would be helpful.

He's also wrong though, sending you home every time you get upset. I perhaps think you need to be with someone who is completely devoted to you and has no vested interest or communications with any exes.

@Pebbledashery I agree, if a friend or family member told me that I’d be livid for them. In the middle of the night driving for hours while I’m clearly upset. It is really cruel… just need to see it for what it is and move on.

@chocteapot321 as your posts have gone on you have more and more put the blame onto this guy - fair enough if you think it helps you to get through this BUT from your earlier account it sounds like you were just too way OTT with all of this from an early stage . You thought he should "support you" with your issues but this was a young relationship and tbh he was probably just thinking " if she is like this now it's only going to get worse ". As another PP said if the sexes were reversed we would be saying "get out of there" .

Op some people will tell you you’re being a bunny boiler and they were fine with their boyfriend going on holiday with their ex, but nothing - and I mean nothing - good comes from talking to an ex. Even if it’s cordial and non-romantic, nobody really stays in touch after splitting if they’re totally over each other (unless they have kids etc). So I think you’ve dodged a bullet here. Block, move on, look for someone who doesn’t message their ex (if that’s possible!)

@MrsMaizel yeah you’re right, to be honest I can’t think straight because I’m still feeling upset about it and I genuinely don’t know who was in the wrong. I keep swinging between ‘I totally ruined it’ to ‘he wasn’t a good person and he made me feel insecure.’ I suspect neither are true and it was somewhere in the middle. To be honest I don’t know, but I never want to be in a situation like it again.

@Realyorkshiretea thanks. I tend to agree although I myself have an ex who sometimes messages so I kind of can’t talk. But I suppose that’s because we were family friends and our parents are in touch so it is a strange one, there’s certainly no feeling there though. Thank you for saying this though. I know everyone has different opinions on that and I appreciate all the replies but of course it’s hard to hear that I was in the wrong because I’m already blaming myself for ruining it. I think you are probably right and I can’t see good reason for him to have been in contact with her unless he wasn’t over it which is what I believe to be the case, and it would also explain the blowing hot and cold all the time. I suppose if that’s true I had a lucky escape, I just don’t feel that yet x

Self care before you go into another relationship. You're not ready for it x

Sometimes it is easier to believe that the issue is you. That it's about your jealousy and insecurity, rather than the partner's behaviour, because then you can believe that the issues can be resolved as the responsibility falls to you.

Maybe you're not overly jealous or insecure. Maybe you've just picked up on a number of indicators that this man can't be trusted. Right from the beginning he set his stall out and was clear that he believes people shouldn't communicate with heir exes. But he has been, and he's lied about it. And made you feel as if you were acting irrationally, but then admitted it, and is still acting like you've been irrational. You had a gut feeling, it was accurate (as it usually is). Maybe the biggest issue is you working on being stronger when you know something isn't right, and once you have blocked someone, forcing yourself to keep them blocked and not going back for round 2's of misery and self-doubt.

@warofthepearls thank you. As I have calmed down over the last few days I do think this may be the issue. It’s like I doubt myself so much I think I’m over reacting / being paranoid but actually why would I want to be with someone who lied (about anything)!? In the past I’ve been in situations where I’ve suspected something and it’s turned out to be true, I’m not always right but I am learning that my gut feeling is quite accurate and perhaps this is another example. As hard as this is I hope so because I hope I’ve learned enough over the years not to throw away a good thing. That’s what I thought I’d done and I spent the last few days wallowing and I desperately trying to think about how I could change. But perhaps I don’t need to…

@Pebbledashery yeah, I won’t be entering into anything for a while. Need to sort myself out first whether this was my fault or not.

This is the first time I’ve started a thread here and I’m so grateful for everyone’s input. Just writing it all out was cathartic (as long as it must’ve been to read…!) and I’m grateful for the honesty. I actually think this has helped me get through the day and that’s another day or no contact so thank you all :)

Any bloke that makes you leave and drive home whilst upset is a self centred pig who deserves to go in the pig bin.
Work on you and getting to a place where you're happy with yourself before letting someone in and make sure it's someone that deserves you.

Sorry OP but I'm calling it. This man will not give you the relationship you want or deserve.

Move on and give yourself the space to meet someone who will.

@Pebbledashery yep… that alone should probably be enough of a red flag, one I overlooked the first time because I was obviously in the wrong. So much so he’d rather I risked having an accident than sleeping in his spare room….

@CatalinaCasesolver yeah. I agree. So that’s progress! Now I just need to stop fixating on the good bits and how I thought we had a connection and all that rubbish. I wish my memory for negative things was as good as my memory for the things that made me fall for him!!!

You probably are too insecure and all the rest but i'd hazard a guess he had been messaging the ex whilst you were apart the first time and had a bit of a guilty conscience about keeping her on the scene to some extent and he didn't help himself by lying about the contact which just triggered you even more. I know it is shit but you are best off out of it definitely.

@chocteapot321 I can relate to a lot of what you've written and I agree with what @warofthepearls wrote, but especially this:
Maybe the biggest issue is you working on being stronger when you know something isn't right, and once you have blocked someone, forcing yourself to keep them blocked and not going back for round 2's of misery and self-doubt

Trusting your gut is a learning process. What I'm also exploring is my attitude towards my younger self, which is what is triggered when I feel insecure. Do you know what is being triggered when you're insecure? I've been doing a lot of reading around this recently and would recommend the book Women who love too much by Robin Norwood, but I'm also about to read Love and Addiction which is an old one but sounds very relatable.

I think you can be dating and working on yourself at the same time - but as a pp said, it makes it very important that you listen to your gut to help ensure you're with partners who will be good for you. Hope that makes some sense... It's late!

In the meantime, self care and distraction to get through this hard part

@Misty9 it makes complete sense. Thank you. I will definitely have a break from dating but when I’m feeling better I’ll get back out there, I know I have work to do though. I’m making a note of that book - thanks so much! That is exactly the type of thing I need I think. I’m quite self aware but sometimes it’s hard to recognise triggers in the moment.

@longcoffeebreak I think you’re spot on there. It’s what I suspected but he just couldn’t admit it. I need someone who is going to be honest with me above anything else basically.

Why would you be asking about his ex? I don’t think that’s really a conversation to have unless you suspect something. It’s not his fault he has a ex but you seem to be making it a thing to beat him with.

Did you suspect something or just kept bribing the ex up because you are insecure?

[quote chocteapot321]@anthurium I haven’t seriously looked in to it but maybe I should. I don’t know if I can afford it let alone raising the child alone and would love to be doing it with someone. But you’re right it is an option. I think I’ll research it properly - thank you.[/quote]
The reason I've mentioned it op is because I spent a few years (between the ages of 36-38/39) dating aggressively, feeling distressed about not having met the right person (I did have a two year volatile relationship with someone who ultimately was at a different life stage to me).

In my case I've reframed how I think: yes I sat down and thought about my financial situation, housing situation first and foremost. Secondly, the narrative of doing it with someone was equally holding me back and wasting my fertility time. I was getting bored, restless and anxious at possibly missing out on being a mother and felt that I was only dating because I wanted a child with someone. It was exhausting.

This year in February I did ivf with a sperm donor and was extremely lucky to get pregnant first time aged 39. I'm now 26 weeks pregnant and very happy. I simply wasn't prepared to waste any more time on dating, and by that point in February I'd felt emotionally bankrupt as I call it for the whole rigmarole.

There is no guarantee that any relationship will work out (I was married at one point too in my 30s thinking it'd last), and I didn't want the lack of a man to prevent me from having a child. You can have a relationship at any point in life but fertility is finite and also very unpredictable.

I'm happy to discuss my journey, private message me if you'd like more information.

It was often suggested to me to continue dating because 'I will meet someone'. Yes, you might or might not, or worse settle for someone because you become so desperate for a family and can't face going back out these on the dating appsThere is simply no formula to meeting a suitable partner I think, it's luck and timing who you meet and when and whether in that particular point in time your lives align, however most importantly people do and are entitled to change their minds so unfortunately things can still go in different directions and not work out.

I'd still love to meet a partner but now that sheer dread is gone, and I know I'm no longer pining for that relationship the way I used to, it's good to feel in control again.

I felt like you did when a relationship ended, like I had nothing going on in my life, maybe I didn't... But it was the lack of control making me feel like that rather than my life situation.

@GiveMeAUserName123 because he mentioned her more than I think is acceptable early on, that was the first time she got brought up. He explained about their break up etc and I had a gut feeling he wasn’t over it. Maybe I should’ve brought it up and been more firm then, who knows. It was also the fact he had laid his cards in the table and said he didn’t think exes should ever be in contact. That was a lie as he spoke to his. It’s the lying that gets to me. I’ve spent a lot of time in relationships that weren’t right and I’ve even lied myself before - I make a point of being honest about everything now and I don’t think he should’ve lied about it whatever his reasons (to ‘protect’ me or whatever). I get what you’re saying and exes shouldn’t be brought up often for sure. But something wasn’t right here

@anthurium congratulations! That’s lovely news and that’s such a brave decision. I think I’m just a bit scared of doing it alone and that’s why I hadn’t seriously thought about it. Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me about this. I’ve never met anyone who’s done it before, I will look in to it I think once a feel a bit better.

I will message you just to find out a bit more about it - thank you so much x

Someone put a link on here to our core beliefs the other day and how and when they form and the effect they have on our adult life. It was a very good read and will help you to understand why you act like you do. That's the east but the hard bit is taking responsibility to change your reaction.

Would you tolerate a new boyfriend telling you who you could talk to whilst staying at yours then flouncing off in a huff. No you wouldn't and why would he. He not there to save you from past insecurities. That's a terrible burden to place on anyone.

At 36 every man you meet will have an ex girlfriend, ex wife and maybe kids. You cannot expect them to cut all ties with anyone they have known because you don't like it.

If that were a man doing this behavior to you it would be called out for what it is - coercive bullying.

Don't let your insecurities turn you into a controlling bully. Challenge them. Why are you so anxious of a man talking to another woman. Why are you assuming he will behave the same as other men.

In your case as hard as it is walk away and don't try and reestablish contact. Take some time for you.

Yea Op, you've dodged a bullet. (And I'm sorry you're hurting).

Just picture yourself in a life with someone who flies off the handle all the time....
Shudder!

Onwards and upwards. Enjoy the wedding. You'll be meeting lots of new people too.

Oh, and I second the Robin Norwood book. It's really good. She has a second one with letters from people who wrote to her, also really good.

@chocolateorangeinhaler I didn’t flounce off. I wanted to resolve the situation but got kicked out of his house when he became irate.

To be honest if he’d asked me about exes I’d have been honest, I wasn’t trying to dictate who he talks to but call him out for having lied about it.

As we’ve established throughout this thread yes I have insecurities but he seemed completely unable to communicate with me about this and lied outright which was the issue.

I’ll certainly be working on myself, and won’t be putting myself in this situation again, but I’m unsure that my behaviour could be classed as bullying . Thanks for your reply

Oh yea, and I agree with PP.

Someone who let's you drive home at night after an argument is not someone with compassion.

So turn it around and be thankful he's no longer in your life.