Breakup - been blocked - long post sorry...

[chocteapot321]

Apologies in advance for the long post - I just wanted to get this out as I'm in an upsetting situation and I just keep going over everything in my head and can't make sense of it. There probably aren't any answers but I'm just looking for advice, opinions really or if anyone has been in a similar boat.

I was dating a guy for 5 months and it ended on Saturday. I'm 35 he's 36. Neither of us married before, no kids, but both wanted to settle down and potentially have kids in the near future, so I thought I'd struck gold when I met him on a dating app earlier this year. Previously I'd been single quite a while and worked on myself so I really thought I was ready for a relationship and from even our first messages on the app we hit it off. We chatted for hours each night and when we met in person we got on so well, found each other attractive etc. It soon progressed and I was seeing him every weekend (we lived 2 hrs apart). Due to the fact I was living with a family member temporarily, I went to him most of the time or we went away for weekends etc. I stayed during the week sometimes too as I work remotely sometimes so could work at his house. We were in contact every single day too.

I have always had some trust issues due to childhood experiences but I have done a lot of work on myself. The 5 months were not all plain sailing and we had a couple of rows where I questioned things like where it was going, if we were exclusive etc – maybe a bit too soon – but he always surprised/reassured me and I realised that it was hopefully going somewhere.

A few weeks ago we had a huge argument when I was at his which ended with me driving home in tears and I thought it was over. The reason we argued is because I questioned him about his ex and he got extremely defensive. He just kept repeating himself saying ‘you’re too insecure, you will never trust anyone, this won’t work.’ When I got home I thought that was it – over. I was devastated but I didn’t want to wallow and I was hoping in the back of my mind that he would change his mind so I tried to stay positive – I removed him from social media purely because I couldn’t bear to see him pop up, I met up with friends, exercised, basically just trying to move on. The whole time I was thinking about how to get him back and wondering if he was missing me too. 1 week later I crumbled and messaged him. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did. He responded straight away, surprisingly and said he would like to meet up for a coffee (I hadn’t suggested meeting, just asked how he was). When we met up he said he’d made a huge mistake, was in love with me and wanted to be with me. I was ecstatic, hadn’t really been expecting it and was so happy.
Unfortunately that wasn’t to be.

Just two weeks later we found ourselves in a similar situation. We were watching tv and looking at stuff on his laptop and a message from his ex popped up. It was nothing flirty just obviously a response to general conversation so I asked him, oh, I thought you hadn’t spoken to her for a few months? He immediately got very defensive. We ended up at each others’ throats for half an hour or so before he finally said ‘You’re right, I heard from her last week and we had been messaging but you can read them, there’s nothing in it, it’s just friendly.’ – I do actually believe him. Am sure they weren’t seeing each other/sleeping together but the point was he had lied about when he last heard from her. He said he did this to stop me getting upset, which I sort of understand. The problem is, because he lied, we had this almighty row when the message popped up and he asked me to leave his place again. I ended up leaving and going home in in tears again, and when I got home I saw that he had blocked me – on text, whats app, messenger, social media. Everything. I can’t believe it.
I’m devastated and because of the way things went and the fact he says my insecurities were the reason for it not working, I am blaming myself. I spent every weekend with him (sometimes longer than a weekend) for 5 months and I just feel like I have absolutely nothing else in my life at the moment. I have no way of contacting him now and I know I shouldn’t try anyway but I feel completely lost. All I want to do is speak to him and I can’t. I find it so hurtful that he blocked me, I wasn’t expecting it at all, but obviously that means he is serious and really does not want to hear from me ever again.

I keep thinking ‘if I hadn’t said this, if I hadn’t questioned this, if I hadn’t done that’ And then I think well actually, I didn’t do anything wrong, he got overly defensive and he should’ve just told me the truth in the first place?! I honestly feel like I am going mad. Why would he tell me he loved me only to throw it back in my face and tell me I’m too insecure (even when he admitted he had lied) and completely cut me off, just a matter of days after saying it? I know insecurity is unattractive but I can’t believe that within the space of only 10 days or so, he went from telling me he was in love and speaking about the future to blocking me because I questioned something that popped up on his laptop (when we were both looking at it – I was not snooping!!!) We’d had conversations about moving closer together, buying a house one day and whether we wanted children. I just don’t understand it and it’s got me wondering if it was all an act or whether this really is all my fault?

I suppose the underlying thing is I’m 35, single and would like kids. I just feel so gutted that this has happened when after such a long time I met someone I thought was a good guy and who I clicked with.

Sorry this is such a long post. Thanks in advance to anyone who responds, I just feel so so alone and any words of support or clarity would be helpful.

@Sunshineandflipflops thank you - that’s reassuring to hear. I will go back to OLD eventually but just need to sort my head out first I think. This is similar in that it ended before and my god I wish that had been the end of it, instead it dragged out and when it did finally end I felt like I’d been punched in the face.

It’s useful to hear everyone else’s experiences so thank you.

as it stands I just feel a total mess and don’t know how to move forward at all.

If you recognise the possibility that this is just your reaction to his behaviour, I hope it would help you to start building your life up without it.

The best revenge is a life well lived without him.

@GreyCarpet thank you for your reply. It’s interesting you said he ticked boxes you didn’t know you had - that’s how I felt too. So I’m just gutted it wouldn’t work. However, you’re right about the lying and this is the point I was trying to get through to him when we argued. I don’t care if he speaks to certain people, exes, whatever. It was the fact we’d been speaking about both of our previous dating histories and he said ‘I don’t speak to any of them anymore, last time I spoke to X was in X’ - which all turned out to be a lie, which he even admitted in the end.

I can see the point of view that he wanted to protect my feelings but I’m not sure that when he lied that was relevant at all, I had never mentioned it or worried about it at this point. I do just feel like I’ve been completely under mined.

You make a good point about seeing the negatives in a new light too, I am going to try and actually focus on what wasn’t right as maybe that will help me move on. I guess it’s complicated by the fact maybe we were both in the wrong in part, and I do have issues I need to work on. It’s easy to blame myself and wish I could’ve behaved differently at times etc and whether that would have changed things. Hopefully I will be able to move on soon but god it’s hard . I’ve just deleted his number and everything, not that I could contact him anyway because I’ve been blocked but at least now I can’t keep checking if I’m blocked and feel the temptation to contact him some other way.

Op I feel like I want to answer as I had a similar relationship pattern of mistrust in the past.

The truth is you have not resolved your inner work plus he is not the right person for you. Both things are true.

You are insecure and you have unfairly brought your jealousies and insecurities into the relationship. If he was the right man fir you he might have been able to help you deal with it. He could have responded differently calmly etc.

When I met my now husband I was trying to get over my anxieties and tendency to paranoia but hadn't fully learnt how to do that.

My husband responded calmly by saying he wouldn't tolerate my questioning but that he loved me. I can't explain properly as obvious relationships are complex but essentially the therapy I was having plus his response and him being the right guy...meant it worked out.

There is no way that you 'broke ' a good relationship. Please never think that. The dynamic between your was wrong and you will find the right person I promise

I had a break up like this with my last ex. I was gutted, id never been upset like that by a break up before. I couldn't eat, i couldn't go to work. I was a fucking mess. It was a short relationship as well, so it was really odd.

However, benefit of it being a few years behind me I think i can work out why. I didn't really understand why it ended, so there was that. we also hadn't got to that point where he irritated the hell out of me. So we were still in the honeymoon period for me, and then bam, it was over. Although we hadn't really spoken of a future, i was all in and then it got snatched away and i think that was more the upsetting bit, the lost future i had invested in. I was completely happy being single so it had been a jump into that relationship as well.
I now see we were a complete mismatch and were in very different places (figuratively and literally as it was long distance!) and had zero in common.

You'll be ok. Well done for deleting his number as hard as it is, stick to it. Leave him be, whats done is done. Dust yourself down and you WILL be ok.

Haven't read the entire thread but... You can't govern a situation to fit your requirements. Your insecurities are your problem. It's not up to your partner to fit in with your 'issues' and it's not up to you to dictate how they should behave. Let this be go, it was a bad fit for both of you

Even if you'd responded differently, it wouldn't have changed the fact he was lying. It would just have meantt you'd stayed with him for longer and he'd have got the message that it was OK to lie to you because you wouldn't challenge it.

As for lying to protect someone's feelings. No. You choose your behaviour to protect someone's feelings. You lie because you don't want to deal with the impact your (poor) behaviour will have on them.

@waterrat thank you. That's really helpful because I think that's what I have been wrestling with. Whether it was all my fault or not. I even spoke to him about where my trust issues stem from and what I am doing to try and move forward (counselling etc) but he didn't seem very understanding and said I needed to sort myself out before I get involved with anyone. I would agree, broadly, but given some of the things he'd told me and how close I thought we were, I actually thought he would potentially understand and support me through it but evidently that was not to be.

@GreyCarpet yes you're right. I need to try and remember this when I'm daydreaming about what could have been and how much I wish he would speak to me. Thank you

I'm not sure him telling you the truth would have changed your reaction OP, I sense you wouldn't have been happy with his contact with the ex regardless. I don't think you're compatible. 5 months isn't very long at all

@EvilPea that is exactly how I feel. I've had longer and more serious relationships, where I lived with them etc, and not felt this bad. I am trying to hold it together so I can get through the week, the wedding and then somehow throw myself in to my new job but all I want to do at the moment is stay in bed and I can't stop crying. I feel so foolish for thinking this was something real/special. It's horrible.

People exist in a dynamic. He sounds immature and perhaps for whatever reason was never going to be the calm guy you needed who you could put your trust in.

What I realised about my own lack of trust was that it is twofold. I have to change myself but also be very very careful about my partners...because I lacked confidence I was choosing poorly. That then compounded my insecurity.

My husband is a trustworthy man ! So. I changed myself but also realised that I had to make sure I had high standards. Rather than holding a partner to account through constant questioning and paranoia I had to have faith that if I picked a man I saw with my own eyes was honest (and this comes through time ) then eventually I can have real trust and stop the questioning.

I never ever would have thought I could be so trusting but I no longer feel jealous or anxious. That is partly because I am with someone who is respectful and calm.

If he shut you down like that after an argument this is not a man to trust with your happiness and wellbeing. And he didn't bring out your best r side.

I know the desperate feeling of wanting love but just read the many threads in mumsnet by women who settled with someone who often makes them feel shit and stressed. It's not worth it.

@waterrat you're right. Thank you. It makes sense. I just need to keep working on my issues but be more careful about who I give my time to as well. I just hope this feeling subsides soon and I can get him out of my head...

Its really too much drama op. I've never had an argument in the first 6 months with anyone who was right for me.

And for what is worth, I think his extra defensiveness is shady as fuck.

Cut this one loose op. He sounds like he was a love bomber in the beginning too.

Healthy relationships dont come with a side serving of drama. Let alone the main course of it you two seem to have going on.

Give yourself a bit of mourning time. It’s ok to mourn would could have been.
But dust yourself down. I promise you, hes not the one.
Life sounds exciting

Regardless of anything else he lied to you, that's not ok. The reason doesn't particularly matter I don't think, 5 months in is honeymoon period or it should be so to have someone try and deceive you over something so minor is a big red flag to me

Did you tell him you had insecurities/self esteem issues? I think sometimes it's best to keep that sort of thing to yourself early on. Not because of anything you've done but for certain types of people they think to try and take advantage of that.

Best of luck OP

Op, you said you're interested in starting a family/having children?

Have you ever considered doing it alone via a sperm donor?

@anthurium I haven’t seriously looked in to it but maybe I should. I don’t know if I can afford it let alone raising the child alone and would love to be doing it with someone. But you’re right it is an option. I think I’ll research it properly - thank you.

@TheWholeWorld thanks. You’re right I think I was just doubting myself so much and thinking it was all my fault even though I was trying to stick to my guns by calling him out for lying and he made me feel crazy.

What else did he lie about op?

Would you mind him chatting with his ex in a friendly way?

Did you tell him you had insecurities/self esteem issues? I think sometimes it's best to keep that sort of thing to yourself early on. Not because of anything you've done but for certain types of people they think to try and take advantage of that.

This is good advice. It's best to keep this information on your deep vulnerabilities to yourself until you're a properly established couple. Some people will exploit this and use it against you to gain control of the situation or guilt you into a response.

This guy sounds far too defensive and I don't like that he kept asking you to go home after arguments. Even if I was really annoyed at my bf i wouldn't want him travelling in an upset state anywhere and would always insist he spent the night. It's just courtesy. Sure, you may be insecure but the right person will be calm and measured, and actually may not even trigger those insecurities. There's nothing you could have done to force emotional compatibility.

Give it time, be kind to yourself, and do not think this is the last man for you. Blocking you was actually the kindest thing he did, or you'd be tempted to reach out and stop your recovery. Do not get back with him or allow him to make it seem all your fault! You'll soon forget all about him.

Don't blame yourself he was quick to fly off the handle about questions about his ex especially when he's still messaging her, what did he expect, for you to just smile and be fine about it, he lied about not being in contact for months, I think he probably wasn't over her and looking to have arguments to end it with you.
He wasn't him that tried to get you back or reassure you, that's speaks a lot that you weren't important enough to him.
I don't think there's anything you could of done differently, it's not the right relationship for you, you know not to contact him again or the same cycle will keep happening.

@Sneesher a few things, mainly related to his break up and also changing his story about things he’d been doing. It was weird. I don’t think he was up to ‘no good’ as such but I do think he found it quite easy to lie which is worrying. No, I wouldn’t mind someone being friends with an ex. The point is early on in our relationship he brought up the subject of exes and asked if I was in touch with any of mine. I said yes, only one of them but very rarely. He said ‘ I don’t think exes should ever be in touch, I haven’t spoken to mine since X.’ hence why none of this adds up…

@todaysdilemma thank you. You’re right - looking back I do wonder if he played on my insecurities. He kept accusing me of making things up but I genuinely never did. I only queried things when there was an obvious reason to. I know you’re right about me being blocked too. I just hate it. I hate the fact I feel helpless and small and stupid. It’s knocked my confidence and adds to the fact I’ve been blaming myself a bit, like, I’m so awful / insecure that he has had to block me to get rid of me.

@dovesandroses yes, you are right. I don’t think he was over her either and that was my concern. Just hurts then he can move on so quickly and cut me off like this. I know I sound a bit pathetic and I know the right thing to do is try and move on, which I will, but for some reason it’s just hit me so hard - feels like a lot longer than 5 months.

This doesn't sound healthy at all... You do sound very insecure. Have you thought about seeking some counselling to address the insecurities? You're perhaps not ready for a relationship until you do.

@Pebbledashery yeah - mentioned in an earlier post that I am having counselling at the moment. Perhaps you’re right yeah. But I had already done a lot of work and thought I was going to this eyes open and in a better place than I have been for years.