Breakup - been blocked - long post sorry...

[chocteapot321]

Apologies in advance for the long post - I just wanted to get this out as I'm in an upsetting situation and I just keep going over everything in my head and can't make sense of it. There probably aren't any answers but I'm just looking for advice, opinions really or if anyone has been in a similar boat.

I was dating a guy for 5 months and it ended on Saturday. I'm 35 he's 36. Neither of us married before, no kids, but both wanted to settle down and potentially have kids in the near future, so I thought I'd struck gold when I met him on a dating app earlier this year. Previously I'd been single quite a while and worked on myself so I really thought I was ready for a relationship and from even our first messages on the app we hit it off. We chatted for hours each night and when we met in person we got on so well, found each other attractive etc. It soon progressed and I was seeing him every weekend (we lived 2 hrs apart). Due to the fact I was living with a family member temporarily, I went to him most of the time or we went away for weekends etc. I stayed during the week sometimes too as I work remotely sometimes so could work at his house. We were in contact every single day too.

I have always had some trust issues due to childhood experiences but I have done a lot of work on myself. The 5 months were not all plain sailing and we had a couple of rows where I questioned things like where it was going, if we were exclusive etc – maybe a bit too soon – but he always surprised/reassured me and I realised that it was hopefully going somewhere.

A few weeks ago we had a huge argument when I was at his which ended with me driving home in tears and I thought it was over. The reason we argued is because I questioned him about his ex and he got extremely defensive. He just kept repeating himself saying ‘you’re too insecure, you will never trust anyone, this won’t work.’ When I got home I thought that was it – over. I was devastated but I didn’t want to wallow and I was hoping in the back of my mind that he would change his mind so I tried to stay positive – I removed him from social media purely because I couldn’t bear to see him pop up, I met up with friends, exercised, basically just trying to move on. The whole time I was thinking about how to get him back and wondering if he was missing me too. 1 week later I crumbled and messaged him. I probably shouldn’t have, but I did. He responded straight away, surprisingly and said he would like to meet up for a coffee (I hadn’t suggested meeting, just asked how he was). When we met up he said he’d made a huge mistake, was in love with me and wanted to be with me. I was ecstatic, hadn’t really been expecting it and was so happy.
Unfortunately that wasn’t to be.

Just two weeks later we found ourselves in a similar situation. We were watching tv and looking at stuff on his laptop and a message from his ex popped up. It was nothing flirty just obviously a response to general conversation so I asked him, oh, I thought you hadn’t spoken to her for a few months? He immediately got very defensive. We ended up at each others’ throats for half an hour or so before he finally said ‘You’re right, I heard from her last week and we had been messaging but you can read them, there’s nothing in it, it’s just friendly.’ – I do actually believe him. Am sure they weren’t seeing each other/sleeping together but the point was he had lied about when he last heard from her. He said he did this to stop me getting upset, which I sort of understand. The problem is, because he lied, we had this almighty row when the message popped up and he asked me to leave his place again. I ended up leaving and going home in in tears again, and when I got home I saw that he had blocked me – on text, whats app, messenger, social media. Everything. I can’t believe it.
I’m devastated and because of the way things went and the fact he says my insecurities were the reason for it not working, I am blaming myself. I spent every weekend with him (sometimes longer than a weekend) for 5 months and I just feel like I have absolutely nothing else in my life at the moment. I have no way of contacting him now and I know I shouldn’t try anyway but I feel completely lost. All I want to do is speak to him and I can’t. I find it so hurtful that he blocked me, I wasn’t expecting it at all, but obviously that means he is serious and really does not want to hear from me ever again.

I keep thinking ‘if I hadn’t said this, if I hadn’t questioned this, if I hadn’t done that’ And then I think well actually, I didn’t do anything wrong, he got overly defensive and he should’ve just told me the truth in the first place?! I honestly feel like I am going mad. Why would he tell me he loved me only to throw it back in my face and tell me I’m too insecure (even when he admitted he had lied) and completely cut me off, just a matter of days after saying it? I know insecurity is unattractive but I can’t believe that within the space of only 10 days or so, he went from telling me he was in love and speaking about the future to blocking me because I questioned something that popped up on his laptop (when we were both looking at it – I was not snooping!!!) We’d had conversations about moving closer together, buying a house one day and whether we wanted children. I just don’t understand it and it’s got me wondering if it was all an act or whether this really is all my fault?

I suppose the underlying thing is I’m 35, single and would like kids. I just feel so gutted that this has happened when after such a long time I met someone I thought was a good guy and who I clicked with.

Sorry this is such a long post. Thanks in advance to anyone who responds, I just feel so so alone and any words of support or clarity would be helpful.

@Iflyaway thank you. I blamed myself for that too. As if I behaved so badly I deserved it or something. But actually I don’t think there’s an excuse for it when I could’ve stayed in the spare room, both calmed down and left in the morning. It was just his fiery temper and the drama which made things even worse.

Thanks x

[quote chocteapot321]@Heliachi yes I’m having counselling at the moment. You’re right it was very intense. He’d questioned me about friendships in the same way but I suppose the difference is I didn’t lie when I answered him.

Objectively you’re right this obviously wasn’t right for either of us but I just wish there was a way to stop wanting him back / wanting to speak to him. I can’t even if I wanted to because I’ve been blocked but at the moment it’s all I can think of and I just want to be able to get on with my life.[/quote]

In terms of getting over him and moving on I know people who have used NLP and/or hypnotherapy for this.

I wish I'd known earlier in my life that such a thing was possible as there was definitely one relationship breakdown I spent far too long moping over so I thought I'd pass on the tip!

[quote chocteapot321]@chocolateorangeinhaler I didn’t flounce off. I wanted to resolve the situation but got kicked out of his house when he became irate.

To be honest if he’d asked me about exes I’d have been honest, I wasn’t trying to dictate who he talks to but call him out for having lied about it.

As we’ve established throughout this thread yes I have insecurities but he seemed completely unable to communicate with me about this and lied outright which was the issue.

I’ll certainly be working on myself, and won’t be putting myself in this situation again, but I’m unsure that my behaviour could be classed as bullying . Thanks for your reply[/quote]
Well what would you call telling someone who they can and can't talk to?

Regardless of anything else, you don’t want to be with someone who has a fiery temper. It’s shit. I married someone like this and you’ll live your life on eggshells trying to tread carefully and not say what you think. Please do not go back. Find yourself again and then start dating and find someone gentle. He was talking to his ex and lied about it and then became irate. Fuck that. There was something going on. Trust your gut. Boundary setting. You don’t want to be with someone who has an ex in regular contact. That’s your need and it’s fine.

@wheresmymojo thanks. I’m going to look into it because at this point I’ll take anything. The thing is before I met him I thought I was in a good place. Hadn’t dated for a while, was working on myself and enjoying my life, had lots of exciting things going on. Now I can’t seem to refocus on that and all I am thinking about is him

@chocolateorangeinhaler I wasn’t. I’m not sure if you read the full thread but he said he didn’t speak to exes and lied about it. I don’t want to get into an argument about it and I can see how it looks and everyone’s entitled to their opinion but this looks misconstrued to me.

@BeachDrifting thank you. I won’t be going back there x

I’ve just come out of something similar. You dodged a bullet. Great you didn’t waste too much life on him. Mine, too, had a different vision to mine of what a healthy relationship looks like. I wasn’t overly happy about talking to exes, either. I have strong boundaries about his, and unless kids are concerned, generally don’t stay in contact with any of mine.

Mine did the following things (and others): weird contact with too many exes, secret meetings with a female friend about whom he wasn’t exactly straight, lying/hiding things, secret contact with random women from the internet, fuzzing boundaries - telling me ex-dates were “friends I should meet”. Wtf woukd I want to do that?

He also did that thing where he’d threaten to take me home or tell me to go home. On some occasions, I just did.it was reflective of me squeezing into his spaces all the time.

Enjoy the space. I’m loving the distance from him. I’ve blocked him and his dodgy mates and taking time to recharge & think about my boundaries and values.

Good luck! 💐 My therapist has reminded me that my next relationship will be better for my doing this work now. You too!

OP I really feel for you. Your response to such a brutal cutting off isn't unusual; you're trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense.

I hear that you have insecurities, but I suspect that sooner or later this hot-cold behaviour on his part would have popped up anyway. The promises to move closer together, build a life etc together etc etc so early on in the relationship sounds like future-faking, and his response to you asking him about his ex seems disproportionate. If he'd sat down with you and explained that your relationship wasn't working for him because he felt stifled and mistrusted, then it would make sense and although I'm sure you'd be very hurt, you probably wouldn't be ruminating over the behaviour.

What he's done though, is the opposite of loving and compassionate. He's thrown you out of his house twice in a pretty short space of time, then cut you off so you can't even find a way to resolve it (even if "resolving it" means to end things properly or to discuss it more calmly).

I suspect that someone who ends, restarts, then ends a relationship like that is revealing a pattern they may well show in other relationships too. Which makes me suspect that his contact with his ex is not as above-board as he says. Especially if he gets as defensive about it as you say he does (and blames you for the fact that he lied).

I very much doubt you will stay blocked for long, but that unblocking you will be linked to what's happening in his other relationships at the time. I can't imagine that this relationship with him is ever going to show healthy patterns and is more likely to continue on the hot/cold, on/off pattern. You might be wise to prepare yourself for the unblocking by seeing this period as a gift, and healing as much as you can so you're not sucked back in. I suspect there will be serious love-bombing when he does get back in touch and you're not as available as he assumes you'll be. But I also suspect that any honeymoon period could be followed by another swift discard that leaves your world upside-down and seems to come out of nowhere. There's no security or stability in that at all.

@Iflyaway

Oh yea, and I agree with PP.

Someone who let's you drive home at night after an argument is not someone with compassion.

So turn it around and be thankful he's no longer in your life.

For God's sake, she's 35. She's not a child. Of course people drive after arguments.

@JengaCupboard

My experience comes from a different place but i'm well versed in insecurity and anxiety unfortunately. Reading your post I think some more work on yourself is required.

Quizzing and questioning people you've been with for a very short period is only ever going to end one way. Also, did he actually lie to you about speaking to his ex, or did he just not tell you as he knew you were likely to over react?

It's so easy to project your insecurities onto the other person, and always assume the worst, but as the receiver of constant scrutiny and accusation, you will ultimately push them away - nobody wants to feel like they're being assessed and watched and questioned all the time, if it;s totally unjustified.

I would recommend reading up on anxious attachment style, and secure functioning relationships. I was never one for therapy etc, but research into this type of thinking massively helped me, and gives you tools to try and keep your behavior in check, and how to deal with anxiety etc.

Also don't put too much pressure on the situation - I fully understand you probably wan to meet somebody and have a family, but it doesn't necessarily mean that every potential relationship going forward HAS to fit that bill, just because you want it to; you can't force this situation unfortunately. Maybe less pressure would create less anxiety for you also. Good luck

Totally agree with all of this. I feel sad for you but I think you were ‘testing ’ him all the time and he is exhausted with the insecurity. I think the fact your best friend is getting married probably also made you try and rush this relationship on a bit before it was ready. I think you’ll have to accept that he doesn’t want anymore contact and learn from it xx

Everyone brings their own baggage with them to a relationship and will have different expectations of how they think things will go. For you, past experiences have made you feel insecure,and you need reassurance. But I'm more like your partner and personally if by 5 months I'd already been asked twice where I thought the relationship was going, I'd be feeling suffocated, which would make me tense and maybe a bit short tempered. He obviously missed you to want to get back together which then didn't work out. I wonder if he's blocked you because he recognises it was an error to reconcile after your first split, and this way he won't be tempted to to do that again - for both your sakes.

It seems clear from what you've said that you both cared for each other, so if I were you I'd put it down to a mismatch of expectations and don't give yourself a hard time over it. I don't see that either of you deserve to hold a grudge against the other.

I will say, though, if I'd argued with my partner and he said he was too upset to drive home, he'd be sleeping in the car.

If you are 35 & dating people of that age group

Most people have baggage & history, as you do too

Most people have friends & family

Perhaps, you need to spend time on yourself before dating

5 months and lots of rows, life is too short for that stressful relationship. Move on and learn from this. 5 months is a short time, men and women can be friends with ex’s , not everyone is a cheater. Relax and enjoy being you and find a relationship that isn’t hard work

Thanks everyone for all the advice and comments. One week of no contact so far. I kept myself very busy and distracted but it seems to have all hit me today and I am missing the good things I feel stupid because objectively 5 months isn’t that long. For some reason this has really hit me hard and feels worse than longer relationships I’ve had, which seems crazy. I need to focus on the fact we were not right for each other but today I just seem to be missing the positive things and wishing I was with him as we were supposed to be away together this weekend. Am also in a vicious circle of blaming myself and getting angry and upset that I got blocked. Anyone got any miracle cures / suggestions for how to get him out of my head once and for all?!

I think you're better off without him, trust your instincts, you know your own boundaries, this one hasn't worked out and quite honestly not many people would happy to see messages from ex's popping up when your next to him unless it's about shared children. I think you probably dodged a bullet there.
The best way to get over them is to get under another or at least start talking to others, shutting yourself away licking your wounds only prolongs the pain.

Since I met my husband I've started playing the game 'I am better, I am THE BEST for him'

So this helped me to have high self-esteem and if his ex was ever messaging (thank God she never did), I would be SO confident in myself that it wouldn't matter to me because she is his ex for a good reason(s).

His lies would annoy me a lot too.

if he doesn't appreciate your so close such lovely 5 months relations and says bye to you and blocks you so easily, I would be happy we split up before we had a babay/children so his way is to run away/say bye, block at the slightest disagreement.

My way of coping is looking for new love who never says bye to me and loves me unconditionally and all my questions like my Lovely Husband does.

Within 17 years together and 16 years of getting married we had many disagreements but I stood for myself and my boundaries and we never wanted to run away from each other and could make up easily and quickly.

*16 year marriage

Op. Firstly dont let anyone shame you into feeling intense emotions within 5 months. Its the typical honeymoon period, falling in love, idolisation, it calms down but the thing is I reckon its one of the hardest times to go through a breakup. Youve not had time to see skidmarks or get annoyed that they never pick up after themselves. The other thing is, while trust is something to work on as a standard in a relationship, and you already know that, hin getting defensive about it rather than explaining 'the thing is I thought you'd get upset. But Im sorry this made matters worse.' Is not going to help you in the process. The way we argue/discuss conflicts is a good guide to how well a relationship will go. I also don't think conflicts arising in the first 5 months is weird. We're getting to know and becoming intimate with a virtual stranger in a lot of cases. Particularly if this was through OLD. We don't know mutual friends. We have to take people at their word. And as adults in our 30s/40s we are all carrying baggage that half of us don't know how to verbalise initially. So. Dont beat yourself up. He wasn't right for you. The blocking afterwards is unpleasant particularly since he didn't say he would do this or explain why it might be necessary for him. It will hurt for a while but I hope you move on sure that he was just the wrong person.

Having read your message, you may think it’s you but actually you questioning him - you have every right. Why do you need to contact an ex when you are in a relationship with someone new? He clearly isn’t putting you and your relationship first or listening to your needs. I know it is hard when you split but ultimately stick to your guns, you don’t want to be a rebound fling. It sounds like you have also moved from the honeymoon part of the relationship into the relatization and this is when true colours are shown.

I think for your sanity you need to be realistic that it will take time for the swirl of thoughts - anger/ self directed blame/ sadness - to subside. You thought he might have been 'the one' - so you have lost that hope/ dream - and of course the day to day pleasure of the actual relationship

People do get over heartbreak - all the time. We all do - it might hurt like hell but we all move on in the end and one day it won't hurt at all.

There is a book that I read once - that helped it sounds really naff but genuinely was helpful - 'It's called a break up because it's broken'

It was funny and helpful - I recommend

also - counselling - if you have had a big hurt and lots of complex feelings - so helpful to have someone to pick it apart with.

It's not 'you' that did it - it's the dynamic between you - the actual relationship - that didn't work. When the person is right - it will work even with all your flaws/ weaknesses - (And with that persons flaws and weaknesses)