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Original poster

Partner is on dating site

83 replies

AliciaF1989 · 07/09/2021 09:16

I have been with my partner for a year. We live together and I am 5 months pregnant with our first child.

Recently he left his email inbox open on his laptop and I noticed he was receiving a lot of email notifications from Match.com. I've never seen him get them before. I knew he used to use dating sites couple years before we met (we met in real life). I never thought much about it, we have been in a committed relationship and planning future together. But the sudden influx of these email made me think he must have recently become active on that site again.

So I created a fake profile and set location and age parameters- and yes he's there. His profile looks old- old photos, scarce info and it even says he's 'looking for a real relationship'- I do believe it's profile from his old online dating days. But he's been logging in recently.

I didn't tell him about my fake profile. I only told him that I've seen his inbox accidentally and saw the influx of Match emails. I asked him- are you active on it? Are you unhappy and seeing anyone behind my back? He denied repeatedly and said it's spam from his old dating days, they just keep sending these emails automatically. He repeatedly assured me and swore to God he's not seeing anyone else, he only wants me and has never and will never go behind my back. He said he would unsubscribe from these emails.

That was 2 weeks ago. Ive been monitoring his login activity on the site since - he still logs in every 3 days or so.

So he lied about not having an active profile and not only didnt unsubscribe but still checks the site out regularly. He's a good and caring partner otherwise and I love him. He works corner from home and is back home right after work, I don't see him disappearing or going out- except with his child from previous relationship. If i confronted him, demanded to see his profile and got the worst kind of answers- i would need to move out while pregnant and go through housing hell/ temporary accomodation etc... im a low earner w/o savings.

Turn blind eye and observe? Thoughts?

OP posts:
dovesandroses · 07/09/2021 09:28

You know he's lying because you can see for yourself he's logging in, it's a paid subscription so no one would pay for an old profile on there.
Sorry to hear this but he was a very unwise choice and this is the risk that goes badly wrong when you rush to settle down with someone you've known a year and already 5 months pregnant with.
It would be easier to find somewhere on your own now than when you have a newborn.

Maybebaby8 · 07/09/2021 12:10

I would leave. I was in a similar situation with my EX got pregnant under a year into our relationship. Found email's to other women etc.

I stupidly stayed after he begged and apologised when he got caught out. He continued to do it, through our whole relationship, lied and cheated. If they are willing to do this whilst you're carrying their child, why do you think it will be any different later on down the line?

Bananarama21 · 07/09/2021 12:14

There was another lady who got pregnant quickly in the relationship without knowing him. This is what happens when you don't know someone fully especially if you meet on a dating site and he continues to use. He doesn't sound trustworthy.

Ohsugarhoneyicetea · 07/09/2021 12:17

Set up your own fake profile and send him a message, that will clear up pretty quick what he's doing on there. But tbh the relationship sounds over, if he's logging onto to dating sites every few days while your pregnant with his child he has already checked out.

isthismylifenow · 07/09/2021 12:21

Did you plan this pregnancy?

All I can say is that we only really start to get to know partners around the 18 month mark. It easier to mask things but around then, masks slip.

He's obviously lying. Do you want to stay in a relationship where there are already doubts one year in?

I think you moved in together too soon.

RedMarauder · 07/09/2021 12:28

@Bananarama21

There was another lady who got pregnant quickly in the relationship without knowing him. This is what happens when you don't know someone fully especially if you meet on a dating site and he continues to use. He doesn't sound trustworthy.
The OP met her partner in rl.

A friend of mine met her partner in rl and he was on dating sites cheating. He waited until they had a couple of children first. They are now no longer together.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 12:29

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

It was obviously far too soon to move in and become pregnant with him but that's done now. You need to decide what to do next.

I cam tell you from experience that it is far easier to move out when the baby is still inside you than it is to do it when the baby is here and is crying/needs feeding/is sleeping/you're exhausted and emotionally drained/and the baby requires a shit ton of stuff just to go to for a walk around the block!!

This isn't a relationship that is going to last. You know that. And if it weren't for living together and the baby, you'd probably have dumped him already. I would.

Having a baby doesn't make a man like this more committed. It simply gives them more opportunity to do it because your attention is focused elsewhere.

RedMarauder · 07/09/2021 12:30

@Bananarama21 oh and my friend wasn't pregnant within a year and married to him.

Cheaters will cheat however you get together but OLD makes it easier for some of them to do so.

Notapheasantplucker · 07/09/2021 12:32

I'd send him a message and see if he replies. Either way, he's already lied about even logging on there.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 12:36

@Notapheasantplucker

I'd send him a message and see if he replies. Either way, he's already lied about even logging on there.
Have to say, if I'd gone as far as creating a fake profile, I'd be tempted to do this too.

But I'd actually just dump. Especially if I were pregnant!

WhenPushComesToShove · 07/09/2021 12:40

You know what you need to do. Focus on all the reasons why you need to secure your own future (and that if your child) and not all the obstacles that keep you in this toxic situation. I'd definitely message him from fake profile if I were you

bigbaggyeyes · 07/09/2021 12:57

He's already lying to you, and he's lying about a dating site. That would be enough for some. If you feel you need rock solid evidence then drop him a private message and see if he responds

Earlgrey19 · 07/09/2021 13:00

So sorry. This will not get better. It’s a very bad sign. You need to protect yourself.

Catlover1970 · 07/09/2021 13:04

I dont think you really know this man you are having a baby with!!!

Itsbeen84yearss · 07/09/2021 13:12

I mean what can you expect in this scenario? You’ve been foolish. Just kick him out and don’t put him on the birth certificate

Boombadoom · 07/09/2021 13:16

Is message him on it under the fake profile and see what happens, just to give more ammunition though tbh. Because he cannot be trusted one iota.

Mindyourbusiness22 · 07/09/2021 13:27

He is not a “good, caring partner” why are you saying that? A good, caring partner, isn’t on dating sites. Bin him.

Kat2000 · 07/09/2021 13:29

So sorry you are going through this, especially with being pregnant and you should be enjoying it instead of worrying what your partner is doing . I just wanted to say that Match.com have subscriptions for either 3 or 6 months so it’s not an old account. He has paid for this whilst being with you. As difficult as it might be leave this man, you are worth so much more. Take care of yourself

QueenBee52 · 07/09/2021 14:01

@Mindyourbusiness22

He is not a “good, caring partner” why are you saying that? A good, caring partner, isn’t on dating sites. Bin him.

absolutely this

OnceTheyDid · 07/09/2021 14:04

Emails are plausible. I get email daily from a site because I just left and didn't unsubscrive.

But you know he is logging in every 3 days and you know its a paid site ! This isn't a mix up, this is him out right lying.

I'd leave, pregnant or not. So sorry OP.

chippe · 07/09/2021 14:16

I was about to say that I still get emails from match.com even though I've not been a member for over a year.

However, if you've seen he's active then that's another story

Original poster
AliciaF1989 · 07/09/2021 14:41

Yes we did plan it. We met IRL and fell in love and realised we wanted family together. We've had our disagreements phase, but worked through them and stayed together. He's very loving and supportive, I just don't understand why he would be looking around on a paid site. I'm really torn as to what to do.

OP posts:
chippe · 07/09/2021 14:42

Sorry to be harsh but he's not "loving and supportive" - in fact he's the exact opposite treating a pregnant gf in this way

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 14:45

@AliciaF1989

Yes we did plan it. We met IRL and fell in love and realised we wanted family together. We've had our disagreements phase, but worked through them and stayed together. He's very loving and supportive, I just don't understand why he would be looking around on a paid site. I'm really torn as to what to do.
I really think you need to step back look at this objectively. You actually planned to have a child with someone you'd known for around 28 weeks??

My mind is literally boggled.

Pinkbonbon · 07/09/2021 14:47

Sounds like he is a con artist who love bombed you. Because no one in their right mind gets pregnant 7 months into a new relationship. Unless they've been love bombed and in the heady whirlwind of the 'romance' they mistake for love, they get blindsighted into it.

It's not love op. He is already on the hunt for his next victim.

By all means, make a fake profile and try to catch him out though. Cant harm to be sure.