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Original poster

Partner is on dating site

83 replies

AliciaF1989 · 07/09/2021 09:16

I have been with my partner for a year. We live together and I am 5 months pregnant with our first child.

Recently he left his email inbox open on his laptop and I noticed he was receiving a lot of email notifications from Match.com. I've never seen him get them before. I knew he used to use dating sites couple years before we met (we met in real life). I never thought much about it, we have been in a committed relationship and planning future together. But the sudden influx of these email made me think he must have recently become active on that site again.

So I created a fake profile and set location and age parameters- and yes he's there. His profile looks old- old photos, scarce info and it even says he's 'looking for a real relationship'- I do believe it's profile from his old online dating days. But he's been logging in recently.

I didn't tell him about my fake profile. I only told him that I've seen his inbox accidentally and saw the influx of Match emails. I asked him- are you active on it? Are you unhappy and seeing anyone behind my back? He denied repeatedly and said it's spam from his old dating days, they just keep sending these emails automatically. He repeatedly assured me and swore to God he's not seeing anyone else, he only wants me and has never and will never go behind my back. He said he would unsubscribe from these emails.

That was 2 weeks ago. Ive been monitoring his login activity on the site since - he still logs in every 3 days or so.

So he lied about not having an active profile and not only didnt unsubscribe but still checks the site out regularly. He's a good and caring partner otherwise and I love him. He works corner from home and is back home right after work, I don't see him disappearing or going out- except with his child from previous relationship. If i confronted him, demanded to see his profile and got the worst kind of answers- i would need to move out while pregnant and go through housing hell/ temporary accomodation etc... im a low earner w/o savings.

Turn blind eye and observe? Thoughts?

OP posts:
lovingtheheat · 07/09/2021 14:51

He likes you, but he thinks he can do better/ grass is greener etc. He is less emotionally invested than you think of he wouldn't be perusing alternative options. He isn't a good man.

RedMarauder · 07/09/2021 14:58

@Pinkbonbon

Sounds like he is a con artist who love bombed you. Because no one in their right mind gets pregnant 7 months into a new relationship. Unless they've been love bombed and in the heady whirlwind of the 'romance' they mistake for love, they get blindsighted into it.

It's not love op. He is already on the hunt for his next victim.

By all means, make a fake profile and try to catch him out though. Cant harm to be sure.

He will turn around and accuse her of being the one who is cheating.

OP you need to get away from him.

Sort out somewhere to live and try to disappear as much as possible out of his life. This includes changing your number.

In addition make sure you tell your midwife you have split from him and he is not welcome at the birth. Then find yourself a new birthing partner.

litterbird · 07/09/2021 15:01

Sorry to hear this OP but sadly you rushed into things and got pregnant with a stranger. I am sure he love bombed you and all that goes with it. Let’s not dwell on that now but look to the future. He is not a loving partner and you need to let that sink in. He is prowling for another woman and has probably been doing that throughout your very short relationship. By all means stay but you will be trapped with a cheater and liar who will no doubt leave you for his next victim. Sorry to be harsh but your future with him is being played out right in front of you. You must just leave, get support of your family and friends and build a co parenting relationship instead.

Original poster
AliciaF1989 · 07/09/2021 15:01

No, we've known each other and have been good friends for 2 years. Then we got together and now have been together for a year. Sorry I wasn't clear

OP posts:
WatieKatie · 07/09/2021 15:07

Are you able to message him through your fake profile to see whether he responds and if so establish what he is looking for? This way you’d have undeniable proof.

It’s very easy to unsubscribe from unwanted advertising emails these days. I think you are right to be highly suspicious. I’m sorry OP.

MiaRoma · 07/09/2021 15:08

He is not loving and supportive. Loving men do not do this dating malarkey on the side. Neither do they lie

IceLace100 · 07/09/2021 15:10

@Bananarama21

There was another lady who got pregnant quickly in the relationship without knowing him. This is what happens when you don't know someone fully especially if you meet on a dating site and he continues to use. He doesn't sound trustworthy.
I feel like this is victim blaming.

It's not her who is cheating after all.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 15:13

It's not victim blaming. She's not a victim. She made a foolish decision to get pregnant by someone she barely knew and is now facing the consequences of that.

grannybee55 · 07/09/2021 15:18

Ffs are all of the 'you got pregnant too soon' comments really necessary? It's done now. Why stick the boot in even more? Some people are so unpleasant.

As far as I'm aware, you can have a profile on match but to exchange messages you need a paid subscription. Either way I don't see why he'd be logging in regularly when he has a pregnant partner at home. It's all a bit fishy op. Have you confronted him and asked why he's doing this?

IceLace100 · 07/09/2021 15:35

@GreyCarpet

It's not victim blaming. She's not a victim. She made a foolish decision to get pregnant by someone she barely knew and is now facing the consequences of that.
It's just so unnecessary to attempt to tell her off for being pregnant.

It's done now. She is 5 months. It can't be undone. Plenty of people have kids this soon or sooner with a partner and it works out well. She IS NOT in the wrong here.

HE is in the wrong for cheating on her. HE is the idiot who is on dating sites.

So stop blaming her!!!

someonesomewhere7 · 07/09/2021 15:37

Is this your first baby? How old are you?

Plumtree391 · 07/09/2021 15:39

You don't already have children do you, op?

Confronting this man or, as someone else suggested, setting up a fake profile to trap him, is what I think you should do.

It won't be easy and I am really sorry things haven't worked out for you.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 15:41

I'm not 'blaming' her for anything.

He is obviously the one on the wrong but people are also responsible for their own choices. This one turned put to be a bad one so now she needs to decide what to do next. And I don't think finding a way of staying with him is the answer.

Although I'm not sure 'plenty' of people find it works out well when they choose to have a baby with someone they've known for a matter of weeks.

WatieKatie · 07/09/2021 15:41

I’m not sure how getting pregnant within the first year has any relevance? She could have been with him for five years fell pregnant and discovered the dating website emails.

grannybee55 · 07/09/2021 15:47

My god @GreyCarpet just pipe down with your superior and unhelpful comments! She has asked for advice about a potentially cheating partner, not a lecture on family planning. Does it make you feel better to kick someone when they're already down?

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 15:49

No, you're right. It's perfectly sensible to become pregnant by someone you've known for a matter of weeks and you're clearly going to know enough about them to make an informed choice as to whether you want this person to be the father of your child.

Yes, he's a dick but that doesn't mean it wasn't a foolish decision.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 15:52

It's just frustrating that as a society we peddle the idea of romance and babies to the extent that women make these choices.

The OP deserves far better and I hope she kicks him out and makes a brilliant life for herself and her baby and doesn't try to 'fix' things with him.

The women (and children) are always the ones who suffer.

GettingItOutThere · 07/09/2021 15:55

message him? on the dating profile - then you will know

I would not be trusting him after this though, he logs on, clearly looking

pregnant or not - leave, its easier doing it before you give birth

someonesomewhere7 · 07/09/2021 15:55

@WatieKatie

I’m not sure how getting pregnant within the first year has any relevance? She could have been with him for five years fell pregnant and discovered the dating website emails.
7 months. Two seasons. 28 weeks.
BrilliantBetty · 07/09/2021 16:00

Well he's got one foot out the door hasn't he!

grannybee55 · 07/09/2021 16:04

@GreyCarpet nobody is saying it's sensible. It's far from ideal. But at this point it's irrelevant as she's already pregnant so all you're doing is making her feel worse about herself when she's already in a vulnerable position. Slow clap.

Also let's not pretend that men who have been married for several years don't stray.

Jonjojobs123 · 07/09/2021 16:08

I think i'd be tempted to message him and see if he responds. Unfortunately regardless of whether he does or not you now know he is lying and doing nothing will just eat you up as you know he can't be trusted to tell you the truth.

IceLace100 · 07/09/2021 16:10

@GreyCarpet

It's just frustrating that as a society we peddle the idea of romance and babies to the extent that women make these choices.

The OP deserves far better and I hope she kicks him out and makes a brilliant life for herself and her baby and doesn't try to 'fix' things with him.

The women (and children) are always the ones who suffer.

She could have been with him 20 years and be in the exact same boat with him straying whilst she is pregnant.

Again, it is not her fault. Stop being judgmental and unhelpful. Baby is here now. HE is the cheater.

girlmom21 · 07/09/2021 16:13

I'd have to tell him I know he's lying and ask to see his account, personally. At least then you'll know for certain whether this is fixable.

For example, looking for dates may be forgivable but actually meeting someone may not, for you.

You need to work out what you're prepared to put up with long term because it will continue if you don't confront it head on.

GreyCarpet · 07/09/2021 16:20

So the answer is, she stops referring to him as her partner. Stops thinking of them as having planned this child together and gets herself out of there before the baby is born.

This isn't a 20 year marriage that has hit a rough patch; they don't have years of history, families, assets binding them together.

What difference does it make if she sends him a message from a fake profile she has made?

This isn't a blip, boredom or a mid life crisis. He isn't and hasn't been a good partner to her for years.

This is who he is and if he can be like this after a year, he will always be like it.

My criticism and contempt is reserved entirely for him but she now needs to act and has weeks left to do so before the baby arrives. She'll just be wasting time if she holds on to romantic notions and tries to understand why he is doing this, exactly what he is doing and to resolve it. It will be far harder to leave once the baby is here.