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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner is on dating site

83 replies

AliciaF1989 · 07/09/2021 09:16

I have been with my partner for a year. We live together and I am 5 months pregnant with our first child.

Recently he left his email inbox open on his laptop and I noticed he was receiving a lot of email notifications from Match.com. I've never seen him get them before. I knew he used to use dating sites couple years before we met (we met in real life). I never thought much about it, we have been in a committed relationship and planning future together. But the sudden influx of these email made me think he must have recently become active on that site again.

So I created a fake profile and set location and age parameters- and yes he's there. His profile looks old- old photos, scarce info and it even says he's 'looking for a real relationship'- I do believe it's profile from his old online dating days. But he's been logging in recently.

I didn't tell him about my fake profile. I only told him that I've seen his inbox accidentally and saw the influx of Match emails. I asked him- are you active on it? Are you unhappy and seeing anyone behind my back? He denied repeatedly and said it's spam from his old dating days, they just keep sending these emails automatically. He repeatedly assured me and swore to God he's not seeing anyone else, he only wants me and has never and will never go behind my back. He said he would unsubscribe from these emails.

That was 2 weeks ago. Ive been monitoring his login activity on the site since - he still logs in every 3 days or so.

So he lied about not having an active profile and not only didnt unsubscribe but still checks the site out regularly. He's a good and caring partner otherwise and I love him. He works corner from home and is back home right after work, I don't see him disappearing or going out- except with his child from previous relationship. If i confronted him, demanded to see his profile and got the worst kind of answers- i would need to move out while pregnant and go through housing hell/ temporary accomodation etc... im a low earner w/o savings.

Turn blind eye and observe? Thoughts?

OP posts:

chippe · 07/09/2021 16:34

Why is OP the one getting the hard time here when it's her partner who's clearly cheating!

Yea the situation is far from ideal but my exH did similar when I was pregnant - we'd been together 12 years, married for 10 and I was convinced (naively) that he'd never cheat

Elieza · 07/09/2021 16:57

You deserve better OP. You deserve someone you can trust.

Time to move on. It’s not good timing that you are pregnant but that can’t be helped.

He may have gone on that site because he wants sex. He may have gone on as he doesn’t see your relationship lasting. Who knows. Ur now you know what he’s up to is imagine it would be hard to turn a blind eye.

Message him on the site if you want. Invite him out if you think he may bite. Watch him lie to you about a lads night out or somesuch.

Whatever you do though I think it’s clear you two are over.

Viddy2021 · 07/09/2021 16:57

@WatieKatie

I’m not sure how getting pregnant within the first year has any relevance? She could have been with him for five years fell pregnant and discovered the dating website emails.

This. No relevance. As if men people have been married with 15 years couldn't start doing this too

EarthSight · 07/09/2021 17:19

I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt at first (it seems impossible to permanently close or delete your profile on Bumble for example), but then I saw this -

he still logs in every 3 days or so

How old is he? Did he get with you so he could have a family (but had no intention of remaining faithful).

If he's browsing, it means there a serious issue with the relationship that he's not telling you about. I'm imagining he's never going to tell you or he's waiting until the baby's born before doing so.

Elieza · 07/09/2021 17:22

PS don’t have sex with him as he may now have a STD which you damage you or the baby.

trevthecat · 07/09/2021 18:25

I would message him on the site. Catfish him

letsgoshopping · 07/09/2021 21:12

As I understand it its possible to register and view other profiles but not possible to message another profile user on Match unless you pay subscription. A previous poster mentioned this also. It does seem he's been on the site perhaps via his old profile but its not known how far this has gone, Please think carefully OP before next steps, don't base your decisions on the comments of internet strangers.

SeaShoreGalore · 07/09/2021 21:22

SHE HAD KNOWN HIM FOR TWO YEARS BEFORE THEY GOT TOGETHER!!!!

QueenBee52 · 07/09/2021 21:29

Ditch him 🌸

Earlgrey19 · 07/09/2021 21:53

Can there please be less judgement on length of OP’s relationship. It is not helpful to her. She’s already in a vulnerable position. And someone you’ve been friends with for 2 years, and together with for 7 months is not a stranger. Some of the posts on here sound Victorian, as well as devoid of compassion.

The point she doesn’t know what to do. It’s a disturbing scenario. She needs support to challenge her partner, and to think about leaving.
OP if things get emotionally tough speak to your GP about referral to NHS counselling. Perinatal cases are a priority. Draw on all the support you can and consider ending this relationship as unfortunately if this is happening now, it will repeat/worse could follow. It is very painful, but you deserve and need more.

Mom2K · 09/09/2021 20:51

I couldn't be with someone who logged into dating profiles while with me (note, I found my exH accounts while we were married and already had children together). He claimed to have never chatted/met up with anyone, supposedly he was just there to see pics of women. I'm not ok with pornography either but being active on any dating site is an absolute deal breaker for me.

With the availability of porn on the internet there is absolutely NO REASON WHATSOEVER that a man needs to access images of women on a website that provides them the opportunity to actually connect with the women he wants to look at.

I'd assume he is cheating or looking to do so - there is no other legit reason to access dating sites.

Also, now that you know what he's doing, he will just get better at hiding it, should you decide to give him a chance. If you keep forgiving him it will just give him a better understanding of how far he can push his limits and he will keep trying to get away with more. At least that was my experience.

Never again will I tolerate a cheating liar. I sincerely hope OP that you don't find yourself dealing with the heartache of this situation for the next few years by not leaving now. I agree with the others who said leaving and starting a new life for you and baby before he/she is born would be best for you and your child

Rozziie · 10/09/2021 00:08

@GreyCarpet I follow someone on Twitter who met a guy on Tinder in very late 2020 and purposely got pregnant with him a few months later. Had a miscarriage, started trying again and is now five months pregnant and has bought a house with him. With someone she met barely eight or nine months ago. She keeps telling people not to judge but why shouldn't people judge that level of stupidity and selfishness? How can you possibly know someone well enough to start a family with them after four or five months? It's irresponsible and ridiculous.

Rozziie · 10/09/2021 00:12

@WatieKatie

I’m not sure how getting pregnant within the first year has any relevance? She could have been with him for five years fell pregnant and discovered the dating website emails.

It's relevant in that if she'd actually taken some time to get to know him properly as a partner (knowing someone as a friend isn't the same) she might not be in this position.

However, it's too late now. OP, there's no good reason for him to be on the app. He will just gaslight you if you ask him about it and what's the point, really? He's not committed to you.

Smackthepony · 10/09/2021 00:16

Why don’t you use your fake profile to set a honey trap? It would be easy to do and would give you the undeniable truth. I know I would. What’s to lose?

AnnieSnap · 10/09/2021 01:20

Sadly, repeatedly logging on to Match.com shows he isn’t really committed to you. I really feel for you, it’s a horrible situation for you to find yourself in.

VenusTiger · 10/09/2021 02:35

He's not the supportive type then.
OP, you say he hasn't updated his account to his current status - that should tell you everything you need to know.
Now you've already brought it up with him, he's being careful, so if you do decide to bring it up again, you need to have already decided what your move will be, otherwise he'll talk you out of it. You're emotionally vulnerable right now.
Ask a friend what they'd do.

Sakurami · 10/09/2021 02:44

How do you know hes logging on?

And plenty of men cheat and are on dating sites even after being in a relationship for many years and with kids so even if you've known someone longer, they can still be deceitful and cheat.

SnatchCassidy · 10/09/2021 07:57

There could be a site algorithm showing him logged in when he's not. You don't even know if he's actively looking. Just message him with the fake profile and see if he responds.

Rozziie · 10/09/2021 08:03

@SnatchCassidy

There could be a site algorithm showing him logged in when he's not. You don't even know if he's actively looking. Just message him with the fake profile and see if he responds.

That's....not how algorithms work.

milcal · 10/09/2021 08:04

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you can have a match.com account that is free but has very limited features such as not being able to reply to messages. If it's paid he will be able to reply to your fake account. You don't have to tell him it's you but at least you will know what he is up to and be able to plan your future to leave if that's your decision.

TakeMeBackTo1980 · 10/09/2021 08:07

Why do you even need to think about it? He's clearly got one foot out the door.

Hen2018 · 10/09/2021 09:27

What on earth is “the disagreement phase”?

Elieza · 10/09/2021 09:37

I remember speaking to a guy and saying I was surprised he was on so early. He didn’t reply but messaged me much later and says he wasn’t on but he stays permanently logged in. It just showed green because of that. He’d been asleep.

I don’t remember what site it was but it could be that? Although if doesn’t explain why he was logged in ‘three days ago’ not ‘yesterday’ I’d presume it logs him in every time he unlocks his phone/whatever device. Presumably he looks at phone/device daily.

It just seems weird that it would be there. If he’s happy and content with you why’d he be logging in to a site at all? Not good.

bh2210 · 10/09/2021 09:43

I'd just confront him over it. Try to keep it as calm as possible but lay out your boundaries - ie ditch the dating sites and whatever else you want from him. If he won't respect them then he has to go. Not worth the years of lying and deceit that may be infront of you as you'll only be unhappy. Pregnancy can be a difficult time and you need someone who will be supportive of you - you don't need the stress of worrying if he's still on the site.
So many people are embarrassed that their partner cheats but the partner cheats cos they are cowards and can't actually say what they want and hope someone else will end it.

Original poster

AliciaF1989 · 25/05/2022 05:26

I wanted to say thanks for everyones advice. His behaviour got worse indeed, he was surfing the dating site 2 days after I've given birth, when I couldn't walk from c section. I was home putting up a new baby cot hardly able to even stand, while when he was in a pub logged in to the site and online, browsing his dating matches. Still makes me sick to even recall this. We share a baby now, but I've cut all non- parenting ties with him and definitely feel it was the only right thing to do, which I couldn't see back at the time

OP posts:

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