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Relationships

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Original poster

My bf asked for a break after his father suddenly died. Is it going to end as break up?

118 replies

Assile · 05/09/2021 12:37

It's day 5 since my bf asked for a break. We've been together for 6 sweet months. He has started being cold 4 days prior (not responding or responding the next days with an excuse). I confronted him over the phone (bcz it was his third week vacation so he's away). While talking, he said that his dad died suddenly (I was shocked bcz he didn't tell me before) and that he hates his job and where he lives and that he even got a job interview far away. I started crying and he was also crying saying he's very lost and don't know what to do. He said if I didn't give him the break and the time to be alone he can block everyone including me. I was so sad I asked him for how long and he said on Monday I'll be giving news. But I didn't know if it will be the end of the break or will he be only checking up and extending it? I told him I can't live without him and I'll respect his decision and give him the break. I asked him if we can see each other on monday he said he's not sure depending on his mood. That hurted me bcz I prefer discussing issues face to face rather on the phone. He ended by saying he loves me and that he can't live without me also. So I was confused! I told him I am fearing he'll end up breaking up with me but he told me to not think about it. Since we gone no contact and I'm just waiting for Monday. I've gone completely insane by overthinking and I wanted to text so many times but thanks to my friends they stopped me. I just cry every day, have periods of anxiety and don't eat well. I still try to go out often and be around people to think less. I'm just so scared of monday and even more scared that he won't keep hip promise by contacting me. This is my first time going thru this and it was my longest relationship and as it was for him. I hope that he won't end up breaking up with me bcz I am afraid how I'll be handling this situation. I sent him a message today that I miss him and I would like to see him. I am afraid that he would not reply nor keep his promise by contacting me tomorrow. I keep crying by the idea that the person that said he loved me would even ghost me. I am so afraid.

OP posts:

Sattherelikealemon · 05/09/2021 12:50

After only 6 months, if he's suddenly lost his dad then unfortunately you're unlikely to be in his inner circle support network yet so will have to accept that he has had to back off for a bit. It's a hard point for this to happen as you have real feelings but it is still a new relationship.

You're doing the right thing in keeping this initial break contained to a certain period before getting an update, but at this point you can't be insistent that you meet face to face or saying you can't live without him. It's too much pressure if he has just lost a parent.

Listen to what he says on Monday, and if it isn't workable for you (e.g. he wants an indefinite time apart or is seriously looking at plans to move away) then graciously bow out and leave him to manage his grief with your good wishes. Hopefully this won't happen, but if it does, unfortunately it is bad luck and bad timing. You'll be fine either way.

viques · 05/09/2021 12:51

I cry every day, have periods of anxiety

So , how do you think your bf is feeling?

To be brutal, I think you need to grow up and try to develop some empathy, I understand that you are feeling hurt, but believe me, what you are feeling is nothing to what he is experiencing.

Count how many times you wrote the word I in your post. In your defence you sound very young, and as you say this is your longest relationship, but I think you need to realise that the best response to someone else’s pain is not to make it all about you.

BabyLeaf · 05/09/2021 12:51

Lol what!

Do you have any proof his dad died? Seems a bit suspicious tbh.

Either way, he’s treating you very poorly and disrespectfully and doesn’t seem bothered whether you stay with him or not. He feels it’s okay to keep you dangling. Even a newly bereaved person doesn’t get to do that to someone they love, he could have simply asked for some time on his own but reassured you it’s not about the relationship or his feelings for you but he’s chosen to ‘go on a break’ which is 99% of the time a precursor to a breakup.

Frankly I don’t think it’s healthy you’re sat around scared of losing him, this behaviour should be a glaring red flag causing you to question whether you even want to be with someone so cruel and selfish.

It’s only been six months, you need to move on. When someone asks for space you send yourself to the moon as far as they’re concerned.

If you break up you will be okay and get through this. Never tell a partner you can’t live without them. It’s manipulative and unappealing.

BabyLeaf · 05/09/2021 12:52

For the record I’ve been through a serious traumatic bereavement, watched a parent die in horrible circumstances in my early twenties.

Doesn’t make it okay to behave like this. He thinks you can be discarded and then picked up again when he fancies it.

BabyLeaf · 05/09/2021 12:55

I just re read the OP: he also told you he is trying to get a job far away, which I presume would make you long distance? And you had no idea his dad was sick, he didn’t tell you about it when it happened, he just randomly said it during a call while also saying this other stuff?

I dunno, I hope I’m wrong but people have been known to lie about tragic events happening to them. Hopefully you can confirm whether it’s actually true about his father. If it is then he’s still behaving shittily but if it isn’t... well, protect yourself.

SunbathingDragon · 05/09/2021 12:58

This doesn’t sound like a healthy normal relationship.

GiantHaystacks2021 · 05/09/2021 12:59

If a guy asked for a break, I would break up with him there and then.

Someone who truly loves you does not want a break from you, they want to be with you - no matter what.

Restinblue · 05/09/2021 13:01

Is it possibly not true about his dad?

Cruiser123 · 05/09/2021 13:07

Irregardless of his dad dying, he seems like a bit of a douchebag to me. Get rid.

Original poster

Assile · 05/09/2021 13:10

Thanks for the people that thought of it suspicious. Even though I trusted, the circumstances where he told me this is too suspicious. His dad was not ill, he was fine. For him ignoring me for 4 days, and telling me on the phone that his dad died without futher explanation shocked me. I hope he is not lying about this because I don't get why would someone lie about this.
I love him dearly that's why I gave him the break and would want to meet gim to give him support and discuss futher (about his grief, if he is really want to get away and if he really wants this relationship). No I am not making it all about me, I know what he is experiencing if his father died is much worse. I am just hurt because he seems to not want to talk to me and clarify everything to me. I really just need some answers and I will be able to wait for him to heal if he needs to. I can put my emotions aside but I just need to know if he really wants me by his side or not.

OP posts:

Restinblue · 05/09/2021 13:13

Had you ever met his dad or other family and friends? If he’s lied he won’t get away with it for long but it sounds like he is trying to end it with you anyway.

FolornLawn · 05/09/2021 13:17

I’m very sorry OP, but IME asking for a break is a way of ending a relationship without being courageous enough to actually end it.
Throwing round dramatic proclamations like looking for a job far away sounds like he is pulling off the plaster slowly.

Cruiser123 · 05/09/2021 13:19

"I love him dearly"

Take it from someone who's probably a bit older than you and has dated her fair share of losers until she met Mr. Right

Sometimes you can love the wrong people

You can stop loving someone and start to love someone else.

HollowTalk · 05/09/2021 13:20

I'm a naturally suspicious person and would doubt whether his dad had died. He seemed off with you before then anyway. He's applying for jobs a long way from you - that's not the sign of someone who feels he has a close connection to you.

Original poster

Assile · 05/09/2021 13:24

I never saw his dad and only know one of his friends. He once tho was on his dad on the phone on speaker and his dad talked to me asking about ma name. I really agree with what you are saying but I am still having hope that he's not making excuses to break up with me. I want that hope because the fear of it being true hurts me so bad. I don't understand also why he would say he loves me and that I should not think about the idea that he would break up. I hope he is being a bit honest and that he would reply to my message and see me. If he didn't I really don't know what to do, this won't be the same person I loved for 6 months and where we practically lived together. I'm afraid I won't be able to handle this tragedy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Assile · 05/09/2021 13:39

He returns today at 11 pm from his vacation. Would it a bad idea if I go to see him (even if he haven't reply to my message) ? I feel so desperate to see him and talk thru things with him that I thought of this. I know I would be forcing him but I feel so depressed and I want explanations.

OP posts:

Iwantcauliflowercheese · 05/09/2021 13:45

Definitely go. You'll find out the truth hopefully. Just turn up without warning.

Lilly999 · 05/09/2021 13:46

@Assile

It would be a very bad idea.

anon12345678901 · 05/09/2021 13:49

@Assile

It would be a very bad idea and most likely remove any chance of being together. He's asked for space, you need to listen to that. You pushing it and forcing him isn't going to go in your favour. He's behaving shitty but you don't know if it's the truth or not, so you need to give him the space.

thoughtso · 05/09/2021 13:49

I would go and see him and he can break up with you in person if you want to put yourself through that.

JamieNorthlife · 05/09/2021 13:50

@Assile,
Im confused, can you clarify something. Is father died when he was on Holiday and he only returned today? Was he close to his dad?

Calmdown14 · 05/09/2021 13:54

I'm naturally suspicious and don't feel this is something you just drop into conversation.
I'd be asking about the funeral and how you can support him. Will it be delayed for an inquest because it was so sudden etc. Would he like to talk about his dad and you will listen? I suspect he'll totally shut you down.
While everyone grieves differently, not wanting to tell you anything would seem odd.
Sadly I think you need to start protecting yourself now and you can choose to give him the benefit of the doubt but do so with a degree of skepticism. Otherwise I think you are away to be walked all over.

Pinkflipflop85 · 05/09/2021 13:56

@Assile

DO NOT DO THIS!

It will not change anything and if anything will send him running for the hills.

Sattherelikealemon · 05/09/2021 13:56

Don't just turn up. You've agreed to Monday so either leave it until tomorrow, it's only one more day, or call things off now if it's too painful or you really don't trust him.

You don't know what the truth is about his dad. If he has died suddenly then it would be unfair of you just to show up hoping to catch him off guard.

For what it's worth, I took 'a break' to just mean some space and a hiatus in communications, not a temporary break up in the relationship.

Original poster

Assile · 05/09/2021 13:56

Yes he was on a holiday when he called me and told me his father died. I want also to ask about this like how he would stay on holiday in such circumstances. Maybe he left his holidays after that but I don't know. He's gone no contact after we spoke on the phone. Normally he was suppsed to return today before this all mess takes place.
I am afraid that he would be honest and by going forcibly to see him I would end indirectly our relationship. However leaving like this is also not acceptable. I am very lost and hurt and don't know what's they right thing yo do anymore.

OP posts:

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