My bf asked for a break after his father suddenly died. Is it going to end as break up?

[Assile]

It's day 5 since my bf asked for a break. We've been together for 6 sweet months. He has started being cold 4 days prior (not responding or responding the next days with an excuse). I confronted him over the phone (bcz it was his third week vacation so he's away). While talking, he said that his dad died suddenly (I was shocked bcz he didn't tell me before) and that he hates his job and where he lives and that he even got a job interview far away. I started crying and he was also crying saying he's very lost and don't know what to do. He said if I didn't give him the break and the time to be alone he can block everyone including me. I was so sad I asked him for how long and he said on Monday I'll be giving news. But I didn't know if it will be the end of the break or will he be only checking up and extending it? I told him I can't live without him and I'll respect his decision and give him the break. I asked him if we can see each other on monday he said he's not sure depending on his mood. That hurted me bcz I prefer discussing issues face to face rather on the phone. He ended by saying he loves me and that he can't live without me also. So I was confused! I told him I am fearing he'll end up breaking up with me but he told me to not think about it. Since we gone no contact and I'm just waiting for Monday. I've gone completely insane by overthinking and I wanted to text so many times but thanks to my friends they stopped me. I just cry every day, have periods of anxiety and don't eat well. I still try to go out often and be around people to think less. I'm just so scared of monday and even more scared that he won't keep hip promise by contacting me. This is my first time going thru this and it was my longest relationship and as it was for him. I hope that he won't end up breaking up with me bcz I am afraid how I'll be handling this situation. I sent him a message today that I miss him and I would like to see him. I am afraid that he would not reply nor keep his promise by contacting me tomorrow. I keep crying by the idea that the person that said he loved me would even ghost me. I am so afraid.

I told him I can't live without him.
His father just died! This is cruel and psychotic.

This is not love.

When I told him that he was already talking about his job interview in another city but I told him I was sorry multiple times for his loss. I was devastated by the fact that he told me. I offered him support but he wanted a break I respected that you out of love for him even tho it hurts but I wanted him to have his space. You can't determine that it wasn't love just by what I said. You don't know what I am feeling neither what I lived with him. I read the difference between love and infatuation. I am more convinced that I love him but maybe for him it was just infatuation. I will be waiting for him to get back at me and talk things out. Thank you for your response anyhow.

I was devastated by the fact that he told me.

Why? It's not about you.

Put a time limit on it. He may never come back or want to talk it out.

@Assile

Thank you for these answers. I don't know I would check it out. What I know that is my feelings are very strong, that's why I am hurting this much. I hope I'll be able to move on if it turns out bad. Sadly I am trying to control my emotions but with no success maybe bcz it's too recent and to bad to be true. I'll wait and see. I still have some hope for him to not be such a coward and to contact me and tell me what he really wants.

The way you describe it seems that your feelings may be infatuation and not love. You are making yourself dependent on his wishes and giving him the power to control you. The more he tells you to wait until he is ready the more you will be malleable to him and his wishes ( a lot of insecure men play this type of game). No matter the tragedies in his life you need to open your eyes and resolve what's going on with you first. Think about the advice you would give if this was happening to a close friend or a family member. That should be your answer.

Devastated that he's going thru this tragedy. My hearts breaks for him going through this. I know I am giving control over me and I am angry at myself for that but I am just trying to have a slim of hope. I'll give it a time limit of course. For me he's not that bad and don't think he would really ignores me till the end.

OP you’re clearly in a lot of pain. It’s a terrible feeling but something that does get better with time.

Whether he’s telling the truth or not is irrelevant. He’s ended the relationship and used this as a reason to do so.

Cut all contact, certainly don’t reach out to him or try to visit. It will hurt for a while but it fades. The first month is the worst.

@Assile

Devastated that he's going thru this tragedy. My hearts breaks for him going through this. I know I am giving control over me and I am angry at myself for that but I am just trying to have a slim of hope. I'll give it a time limit of course. For me he's not that bad and don't think he would really ignores me till the end.

I hope you don't get upset by my reply. Im going to be direct but only because there are a lot of fixed patterns of behaviour and ego in your responses. Its strange that you are feeing "devastated", maybe your response should be reviewed. Are you upset for him or because you cannot be with him? Are you focused in being with him because he was the one that stopped contact ? Maybe you need to analyse why such a strong reaction to breaking up with him. He is minding his business, on holiday, thinking about his job interview and his life events and you are trying to give your power to him. Perhaps you should do an exercise, write down and reflect about what's really going on, the real issues instead of what you are hoping for. If he comes back to you, will you be truly happy? What will you do if he goes no contact or asks for a break again?

We are just writing what we feel its the best option for your question but at the end of the day, it's your life and you should be able to make the decision that feels best for you. Just make sure you get out the moment you realise the relationship is not healthy or good for you.

Wish you luck

Try to calm down. You can live without him if it comes to that. Your happiness should never be dependent on him; you’re stronger than that. If he breaks up with you, you’ll carry on.

I experienced this in my early twenties with a BF who walked out on me and broke my heart to the point where I felt worthless and ill. I became completely irrational in my longing for things to be the way they were before the break up. I realize now that my esteem was completely non-existent. I would never anyone to make me feel that way now. It hurts deeply, but if it’s over, pull yourself up and take charge of your own happiness.

Just, give him space!

Op
That means:

Do not text
Do not visit
Do not send flowers ( don't try and disguise contact as a social nicety)

If you must do anything, send a condolence card but only ONLY say ' I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family at this difficult time'.

Do NOT use the card as a way to say ' if you need to talk, I'm here' or whatever.
Do NOT go to the funeral.
Or the gathering after.
Seriously!

You can live without him.
Your feelings are a very very distant second, if indeed he has lost his dad.

However, he was already in the getaway car, making plans to go. Just, let him.

His dad could have died suddenly, it is not unknown for perfectly healthy seeming people to take ill, go to hospital and then within a week die of various organ failures. Your boyfriend sounds close to his dad and how he was saying he needs space to be alone and is thinking on blocking everyone, not just you, indicate to me it’s probably not a lie and he is indeed deeply grieving. I’ve lost close family members and being an introvert the last thing I want is “support” and “to talk” with friends or even relatives. I like to grieve in solitude.

OP, you do sound a bit immature. You should not need to be with him physically constantly. You need to let him grieve for his father and not pressure him to extend energy investing in you right now. The “break” isn’t about you as he mentioned it is from everyone. So I don’t think he’s asking for break in relationship, just a break in all the usual routine to stop and grieve.m

Being brutal, in times of crisis, you lean in the people you need and push away the ones you don’t. I think he’s giving you a clear message he doesn’t need you.

Yes I did send him a message only saying that I am sorry for his loss and I'll be here to support if he needs to. He eventually replied thanking me for giving him a break and that he knows it's not easy for me and he's sorry for inflicting this on me. I'll wait for him until he becomes better and I'll be there when he needs support.

At first, I thought telling you to wait until Monday to talk properly was a bit unreasonable until you mentioned that he was returning from his holiday tonight at 11pm, perhaps he just meant talk when he gets home.

It would be crazy to meet at the airport at 11 pm. Firstly he's not expecting you, its late at night and if he has been bereaved he will be exhausted. Its not a good idea to do that with someone who has been asking you for space.

Your best option is to try to distract yourself tonight and wait for him to make contact on Monday and you can find out what the good news he spoke of is.
If his father has just died, I think you would be better to be very very calm in conversation, and not say things like how will I survive this tragedy or I can't live without you. See if he is in a place to explain what is going on. I know its hard but distracting yourself really will help

Don't believe his dad died.
I think he wants to end the relationship and this is his way of doing it.
Anyway, you're better off out of it even if you don't feel like it right now - all this drama saying he hates his job and he's very lost.
I was with someone for 5 years who went on like this. It was hell.

Wait a second

He told you he was trying to get a job somewhere far away and you told him you’d get one near him?

Did he ask you to? Discuss the job idea with you beforehand? Talk about moving there together?

You don’t even live together and your response to a very clear signal he isn’t invested in you (oh btw I’m going for a job miles away!) is to instantly tell him you’ll follow him, uninvited?

Where is your self esteem!? It’s non existent. You’re chasing after a man who clearly isn’t that into you and debasing yourself to try desperately to hold onto him. Manipulating him with the ‘I can’t live without you’ stuff. Your behaviour is genuinely creepy and I’m guessing it’s not an isolated thing. I don’t mean to be cruel but i wouldn’t be surprised if his reasons for ending it with you are related to how you’re acting right now, or whether he’s trying to slide out of the relationship without any conflict because he’s wary of how you might react to him ending it.

This is all really bizarre @Assile. Even if his dad died, he’s treating you awfully. Something just doesn’t sound right about this. I do hope you’re ok 💐

No way did his father die.

If he lied about his dad dying, that’s a huge, huge lie. Mind boggling, really. If that turns out to be the case it ought to be easy to say good riddance to him. I would give him a good kick in the rear on his way out the door.

Irrespective of whether he turns out to be lying about his Dad or not, you really need to examine your behaviour and reactions here.

This “I can’t live without you” crap is just that- crap. Highly emotionally manipulative and extremely immature. It’s what I’d expect from a teenager during their first fling, not from someone your age.

Also, he has clearly asked for a break. Respect that. It may be that he is thinking of it as a precursor to ending the relationship or it may be that he has enough on his plate right now and doesn’t need this intensity from someone he’s only known six months, but either way, give him the break, as you agreed to. You say you’re worried he won’t keep his promise of contacting you when he said he would, yet you’ve already broken your agreement to give him a break by texting him. The one and only time I asked a bf for a break, I was 50/50 whether I wanted to end the relationship completely or continue if changes were made. After agreeing to a break of one week, he texted me less than 24 hours later. And honestly, that was the final straw. I remember clearly thinking “yet another broken promise” and resolved there and then to end it. I guarantee you that if you become pushy and clingy now, you will drive him away.

A previous poster had a really good point too about you saying you’d follow him to where his new job was. He didn’t ask you to. He didn’t discuss moving together. Why would your reaction be that you’d drop your current life and go with him, after 6 months?

I'm sorry OP but you're way too invested in this relationship. Your boundaries are all over the place. However much he loved you, you shouldn't be saying to anyone that you'll just do whatever he wants whenever he wants.

Handing over all your power in a relationship never ends well, and I mean that kindly.

It really might do you some good to work on some of your codependent reactions in therapy. Or at least read about codependency. Melodie Beattie writes very well on this.

@BabyLeaf

Wait a second

He told you he was trying to get a job somewhere far away and you told him you’d get one near him?

Did he ask you to? Discuss the job idea with you beforehand? Talk about moving there together?

You don’t even live together and your response to a very clear signal he isn’t invested in you (oh btw I’m going for a job miles away!) is to instantly tell him you’ll follow him, uninvited?

Where is your self esteem!? It’s non existent. You’re chasing after a man who clearly isn’t that into you and debasing yourself to try desperately to hold onto him. Manipulating him with the ‘I can’t live without you’ stuff. Your behaviour is genuinely creepy and I’m guessing it’s not an isolated thing. I don’t mean to be cruel but i wouldn’t be surprised if his reasons for ending it with you are related to how you’re acting right now, or whether he’s trying to slide out of the relationship without any conflict because he’s wary of how you might react to him ending it.

Exactly. She offered to move there: he didn't ask her if she'd move. He has cut her off because of his problems and threatened to block her.

The OPs reaction is she can't live without him,
when she was capable of living before she knew him 6 months ago not, not leaving him alone, considering turning up at his house and researching his father's death. It is too much.

Even if she thinks it hasn't, her behaviour will have been apparent during their short relationship. He would be able to tell just how much she is invested in this to the point of obsession.

I'm actually cringing for her. It's really quite embarrassing.

It feels counterintuitive but the best way to be is to say I'd be sorry to not have you in my life anymore but I respect your wishes. Then go silent and leave him alone.

Continuing to contact someone who doesn't want to talk to you is pretty awful and the only effect it will have is to push them away further.

Hi Assile, I was in a situation exactly the same as you. My Dad died. 2 things happen when you grieve, either you feel too much and shut down and actually turn into a zombie for 6 months to protect yourself or you feel dead and want to feel alive and turn to men /booze / nights out to feel alive again.

Your boyfriend has shut down. I know you think he's in there and if you keep reaching out he'll come back to you but it will actually push him away. He will need time to grieve, added relationship pressure will be too much for him to handle, respect his wishes and he should come back to you and when his emotions return he'll of wished he'd acted differently but unfortunately he cant control how he feels atm.

I very much understand you're grieving the loss of this precious relationship. Death can make people unrecognizable. You have my best hopes that it works out for the 2 of you.

Thank you @AdmiralCain your post gave me some comfort. I will be seeing him today. I hope to know what he wants and if I am capable of helping him in his period or if he wants to end the relationship.

@Assile

Thank you *@AdmiralCain* your post gave me some comfort. I will be seeing him today. I hope to know what he wants and if I am capable of helping him in his period or if he wants to end the relationship.

Him him him. What he wants.

Worry about what you want instead of letting him decide your fate?!

How did you get a meeting? You pushed him for it?

@ActonSquirrel yes maybe I was more invested than he was in the relationship but not to the point of obsession. I agree my mind all over the places over what happened but it was only due to the pain I felt. I know his pain is much greater but I would really loved that instead of shutting me down and going on interviews elsewhere that he would share his emotions with me and would find a way to work it out. I said "I can't live without you" out of love and hurt even though I agree life goes on and I would certainly be able to live withoit if he breaks up. Since the break I stopped contacting him. I only send a message of support on sunday for his dad and he replied. As today is the day he said he will speak, I asked him to see each other and he accepted.
So I tried my best to give him the break he needed and I didn't break the promise bcz my message of support wasn't intended to have a response.