How do I cope with the long game?

[mrsnec]

I have been having marriage problems for years. I have posted on here before about problems with our sex life and problems with my husband's awful mates.

He's now saying he wants a divorce. We live abroad. I have never really settled here. I feel isolated and have no job and no friends.

I don't really have friends in the UK either but I think it will be best in the long run if I go back. The problem is we have 2 children. I think he knows it's best for them to come back but I know he's going to make it difficult. My parents are in the UK but not exactly supportive. I wanted to hear a 'my door is always open' from my mum but instead got 'you need to do everything you can to save your marriage '

At the moment my plan is to stay where I am while I figure out what to do. My parents are due over for a holiday on the 18th. They are here for nearly 3 weeks and I'm considering going back to the UK with them and taking the kids for a holiday whilst looking at places for us to settle.

DH's mates are coming over for a lads holiday in the first week of October and I can't be around for that.

So we agreed to be civil to each other but he's still drinking, he's still being manipulative, digging at me at every opportunity, has no remorse about how much he's hurt me and thinks it's as simple as 'I just don't want to be married to you any more but we can still be friends'

But I'm finding this bit torturous. I know lots of people play the long game before the final split but how do you cope with this bit and when do you tell the kids?

His parents live close and he has friends with vacant rental properties now. He has places to go but won't and hasn't told anyone apparently. When my parents are here he wanted them to stay in a hotel. They're saying they don't see why they should as it's my house too so DH (I'm not at acceptance phase yet) is now saying we have to pretend everything is ok for now.

Tips on how to get through the next few weeks? And fingers crossed my son gets his new passport soon!

Is he from the UK or the country you are living in?

How supportive are his parents?

Just come back to the UK, get the kids settled into a school.

What country is it?

Can you just bring the kids back? Could he keep them there or force you to send them back to that country?

@mrsnec

Go back to uk now.
Then your parents can rearrange a holiday.
Take as much money as you can now.

Take kids and any valuables.

Get money off hime will be hard in a foreign country so instruct a lawyer before you leave.

Write a diary of the th shit things.

Do it now!!!

Please don't just take your kids and come back to the U.K. as he could drag them back, and you could end up in jail.
Please do it properly. But you have to accept it's over and start telling people.

Ok, in answer to the questions,

I'm in Cyprus. We're all British citizens but the DC were born here. I will need DH's permission to take them out of the country even for a holiday. My DS doesn't have his new passport yet. I hadn't got round to renewing it but it was the first thing I did.

I don't get on that well with the inlaws but they dote on the DC and look after them regularly. In fact that's another issue with the marriage. We came here because they retired here. They set DH up in business and bought a house for us to live in which we have spent a fortune renovating.we sold our UK house in negative equity to be with them. They promised to sign this house over to us but never did.

My parents had a holiday booked here anyway which they've put off for ages because of covid and because a family member died and they were sorting out the estate. Which answers another question, I have nothing financially right now but am about to inherit around 18k

I've been told about the diary of shorty things. I haven't done it. I get it's important but I find it very painful.

E.g.the other day he was ranting that I always take the easy way out. Apparently that included having C sections and formula feeding the kids. Those weren't choices. He'd forgotten that DD was an EMCS and I was on a high dependency ward after a PPH.

Also I've had a lot of trauma in my life and he says I should just get over it and be greatful that I got a second chance.

We have a very expensive birthday party booked for DD which we've promised her for ages. I do feel I need to stick around for that too.

You need to tell your mum that you're in an abusive relationship and it is over and you need her support to leave as it's causing you harm. See if that helps you formulate a plan.

I think she couldn't accept it at first. Which surprised me because she went through it herself. On top of her bereavement recently she's also moved house and my stepfather had cancer treatment last year so she feels like she can't take any more bad stuff and just wants to live her life.

She's moved to a very rural area. Doesn't have room for us. I've been looking at houses and schools in a town nearby. She put me off at first saying it's rundown and rough but I found a school which looks excellent and a house nearby and she's just sent me a message saying she'll check it out next week.

So you can't leave with the kids.

Also sounds like his parents could provide financial backing for him to force the kids back to Cyprus, if you come over for a holiday and just don't go back?

Or if you take them to visit him, he could just allow them to leave again?

If so you need to do this properly. 18k is a good chunk of money. But depending on where you will settle it will get eaten up very quickly. Especially if you need legal support.

How old are the kids?

You don't need to make any rash decisions. Ignore those suggestions.
I've been carefully planning my escape for a year or so now.

What has helped me play the long game is:

-complete detachment from DH. No arguments. He lives his life, I live mine. I use him as financial help and childcare. This sounds awful but he has used me as the home help for years.

• Stay away from him as much as possible. If he watches TV in the lounge, I busy myself with something else.

-Try to have serious talks away from the home if you can, on neutral ground so that negative conversations don't permeate the whole atmosphere of the house.

-Use your parents holiday to explain very clearly to them what is going to happen and try to acertain what support they may be able to give you. You never know.

-you say you have no friends but try to create a life without him in it now- take up a hobby, join a group, do things by yourself, make an effort to meet and chat to other people.

-you do need to leave so don't drag it out longer than is necessary. Give yourself a deadline. My deadline has included steps leading to it, such as finding more work to become financially independent, researching CMA, finding out how much I can borrow for a mortgage, getting my DCs settled in school, decluttering and selling excess stuff, using saved money to have things done that I won't be able to afford as a single parent- for me that's laser hair removal, set up a savings account and pay into it as much as possible prior to the split if you don't have one of your own already.

My deadline was originally October, but I won't have completed all my steps by then so I'm now aiming for January.
Goodluck x

I think you need to get your head around two things:
1st that your marriage is over
2nd making sure your husband is giving you permission to take the children to the UK

I think I need to go back with them for a holiday anyway because I can't be here when DH's mates are here. They're all single dads going through a midlife crisis. One big argument DH and I have had recently is about their influence on him and the completely elaborate plans he's made for their trip over when he's spent nothing on us.

So if I have to bring the kids back here I get it. I feel completely torn. I have had problems with my mental health. I've been here 12 years. I've never found work or made friends and I've tried really I have the constant rejection has destroyed me and I've started to hate the place.

I don't really like where mum lives either that's why I think I need 3be near a town but I don't know it. I haven't been there since I was a toddler. I did a thread about it on herea while ago and everyone just seemed to suggest somewhere else!

There's another thing. My mum is about to get a big inheritance. Before this kicked off she was actually going to buy an investment property here.DH says she should carry on with that so I'm nearby!

But she could buy for the same money in the town I'm thinking of moving to.

Will he let you go

Also in answer to the other questions DD will be 7 in 3 weeks time.

DS is 5.

Yeah I know I need to accept it's over. I think I will be ok with that it's just the treading on eggshells doing your own thing trying to be civil. How do people live like that for months?

We have had discussions. He knows I'm thinking about going back permanently. He also knows my mum wasn't that supportive at first and that made him angry.

But the DC go to a village greek school here. They are quite behind educationally anyway and at one point we had been talking at moving back to get them a better education. Also DH knows my life here is rubbish. He gets that but he says I won't cope in the UK as a single mum.

I'm getting the impression that he hasn't really thought it all through. He says it's up to me to decide what I want.

Have you checked out your rights to benefits, NHS etc if you move back to the UK?

I had a look at the benefits checker yesterday and it looks like I would be entitled to something.

I'm not sure about the NHS situation but I will check it out. I have a couple of friends who moved back to the UK and seemed to slot back in to life in the UK very easily. Incidentally they moved back because of the Dc's education/lack of work.

I might be able to find a job in the UK eventually but I haven't worked properly in years (although I do accounts and admin for DH) my focus would be entirely on getting settled and sorting out my mental health first.

For all those urging the OP to use a UK holiday to leave this man, please can you also reference the risk she is running.

He husband, despite what he says, is very likely to take legal action to force a return. The driving force will be his family. He is very likely to succeed. He can live with them.

The OP doesn’t own property in the country. The FMH is owned by his family.

The £18k puts the OP above thresholds for benefits. Which are paltry if she loses the children. She can’t live with her family.

Running away under the pretext of a holiday with the children isn’t the answer. The OP needs to legally secure agreement from the father to relocate to the UK. Anything short of that will leave her subject to a capricious husband and a determined set of ILs with legal right on their side.

@LemonTT That situation is exactly what I thought.

I even need to get permission from the village Mayor to take the DC just for a holiday.

Am I right in thinking he really should discuss his plans with his parents?

They don't like me or my family by the way. DM and MIL don't speak to each other and MIL thinks I'm an unfit mother and she already badmouths me to my children. My DD tells me this.

My DM is executor of the estate for this inheritance. She says she's ready to pay out over the next couple of weeks. She gave me an advance on some of it so I could treat myself and the kids. By the time I've paid that back and bought flights to the UK for a fact finding trip I will be below the benefits threshold by the time I come to claim.

On another note I've never won any legal battle I've ever had. My mum walked away with nothing when she divorced my dad and the thought of the legal stuff terrifies me. I hate the idea of the legals lining thier pockets with money you could have used for your DC

You have been there a long time. Your children are habitually resident in Cyprus. You can't leave without your husband's permission to leave.

If you take the children on holiday you need to return. Taking up residence in the uk, by registering for GPs, UC schools and renting a house, provides evidence of an intention to relocate permanently. You would have knowingly acted to thwart the Cypriot laws. That will go against you in the future. His legal team would question your integrity and undertakings.

Why don’t you use the inheritance to fund a separation in Cyprus and then seek proper agreement to return to the uk to live. But you may need to accept that the courts will decide the children have a life there already. Is there anything stopping you renting and getting a job in Cyprus. Have you looked at women’s charities or services in Cyprus who could help you.

Re potential trip to the UK, I wouldn't be regisering at GPs or applying for benefits without permission I'm not even sure I'm going to like the place. But I feel I need to have some time away and I definitely can't be around when the 'boys' are here.

I could look at renting here for a bit but it's not what I want. I have tried looking for work everywhere. Again I just kept getting rejected. You need to be fluent in 3 languages to work in Lidl in these parts. I couldn't get any hotel cleaning or reception work either. Also school is 7-1. With 3 hours of homework which I have to translate so even if I did get a job I don't know how I'd fit it in. I thought about renting somewhere else with more work but that still leaves me on my own somewhere I don't want to be and the DC would still need to change school.

Yes we've been here years but none of us have formed any bonds with anyone. The DC have never been invited on playdates for example. We've had them but they'venever been reciprocated.

And locations wise, we're talking about moving from Ayia Napa to Torquay. That's not going to be a massive culture shock is it?

By the sounds of it you have made up your mind on what you will want to do. Please recognise the pitfalls and risks you are taking. Which may well be that the children are returned to their father and his family in Cyprus with you visiting from the UK.

What will count in this situation is the legalities. Not the support and opinion of MN.