How do I cope with the long game?

[mrsnec]

I have been having marriage problems for years. I have posted on here before about problems with our sex life and problems with my husband's awful mates.

He's now saying he wants a divorce. We live abroad. I have never really settled here. I feel isolated and have no job and no friends.

I don't really have friends in the UK either but I think it will be best in the long run if I go back. The problem is we have 2 children. I think he knows it's best for them to come back but I know he's going to make it difficult. My parents are in the UK but not exactly supportive. I wanted to hear a 'my door is always open' from my mum but instead got 'you need to do everything you can to save your marriage '

At the moment my plan is to stay where I am while I figure out what to do. My parents are due over for a holiday on the 18th. They are here for nearly 3 weeks and I'm considering going back to the UK with them and taking the kids for a holiday whilst looking at places for us to settle.

DH's mates are coming over for a lads holiday in the first week of October and I can't be around for that.

So we agreed to be civil to each other but he's still drinking, he's still being manipulative, digging at me at every opportunity, has no remorse about how much he's hurt me and thinks it's as simple as 'I just don't want to be married to you any more but we can still be friends'

But I'm finding this bit torturous. I know lots of people play the long game before the final split but how do you cope with this bit and when do you tell the kids?

His parents live close and he has friends with vacant rental properties now. He has places to go but won't and hasn't told anyone apparently. When my parents are here he wanted them to stay in a hotel. They're saying they don't see why they should as it's my house too so DH (I'm not at acceptance phase yet) is now saying we have to pretend everything is ok for now.

Tips on how to get through the next few weeks? And fingers crossed my son gets his new passport soon!

Can’t you get British passports for your children? I think you should be able to if both parents are British. And presumably you have the same surnames as your children if you’re married? So just book a flight and come back. How will anyone at the airline or airport even know you’re not just another British family returning from holiday?

I’m sorry
Do some research online
Join an expat forums
Splits across two countries are always a ducking nightmare

If he is pushing the legal you need to line your ducks up

Breathe Op
If he is serving you locally , then you need to research locally xxx

Sweet baby she can’t do that
How’s that going to look
To a family court ? That’s not good advice

I get the legals everyone! I'm not taking them anywhere for now I just think it's best for me in the long run.

I need to get permission from the village Mayor to take them out of the village. Ver patriarchal society here. I'm well aware of it.

Also have a 5 year old DS Who is crapping himself about starting school next week and can't write his own name. The DC are my absolute priority please be aware of that.

The best thing to do now is to try to get some time with him to discuss what happens next in relation to housing and the support he provides for you.

You both may be happy to continue living together for a period if that’s what is needed. But it might be best if one of you moves out. Whilst he has the obvious choice to go to his parents or one of their properties don’t push this on him or demand it. Instead identify what the options are and how each will impact on the children and you both. Then let him work out the obvious that it will cost him less to let you stay rather than pay maintenance for your rent and living costs.

You also need to agree some interim financial arrangement. This will be dependent on the housing decision. You might want to get some information from a solicitor or elsewhere entitlements. Cypriot based forums will be help with that.

With regards to the divorce process. Don’t waste money fighting irrelevant things or for impossible asks. In the UK the grounds for divorce have basically no meaning over settlements and custody. It might be different in Cyprus but if not, don’t waste money and mental energy getting him to cite different grounds.

If you mum is still coming over then tell her she needs to find somewhere else to stay under the circumstances. I would knock the trip to the UK on the head unless your future accommodation is agreed. Unfortunately he might decide not to let you back into the house when you get back.

I think that’s good advice from @LemonTT. You have something to respond to now and I would suggest responding in a matter of fact way with getting him to focus on minimising disruption and upset to your joint children. Don’t let him screw you over as you have given up a lot for your marriage and now he wants out, appeal to his conscience and better nature to ensure you’re fairly treated. Most people don’t want to be seen as shits and your the mother of his children. However if he decides to act like a shit, ensure you know where you stand legally. Very best wishes to you and I’m sorry you’re having to cope with this.

I did try another conversation earlier. He said he was just looking to provoke a reaction by serving the papers and that I've chosen to throw away a marriage by refusing to go to the doctor to sort myself out. I repeat, it is impossible to reason with him.

And yes I agree I will grant him a divorce but I'm not signing anything that accuses me of neglecting my children. Especially since he's agreed he didn't want that in there.

But yes, I want to keep costs as low as possible. My mum was telling me her solicitor had pages of rubbish on her and just binned it saying if it's over it's over but the system is very different here. I'm still exploring my options but it doesn't change how I feel.

Yes looking at accommodation options for everyone during all this. Promised DH I will figure something out as soon as I can.

He still hasn't told his parents.

The UK passport agency haven't received DS's old passport yet so haven't issued a new one. My mum is now talking about me going back with her setting myself up then sending for the kids! I know that's a ridiculous idea too.

mrsnec
My ex was the same when we split
Cease speaking with him as far as you can

Remember grey rocks 🪨? Noes the time

You are of Course in a panic
I’d say he can’t throw you into the street
And won’t either

I’d focus on breathing in , breathing out
Try and take kids for a walk
Breathe

Right now you need to look after yourself.

It’s not easy xx but you can get through this

And he’s a total arsehole

Whatever happens your shit relationship is over
And breathe x

Urgh what a nightmare.

I think your best strategy is to agree to the divorce on the proviso that he gives permission to move with the DC back to the UK.

I think in time him and in laws will migrate back there anywhere.

Absolutely don't sign the divorce papers under the circumstances of his reasoning. Once you agree to have neglected his kids, who knows the next move he might pull.

@Jungleoo Exactly!

I agree OP I wouldn't be signing anything that says I neglected my DC. I'm not sure a verbal commitment to allow you and DC to return to UK would be worth anything. You'd at least need a written signed, dated and proferably witnessed document/letter stating that he is granting you permission to take DC back to the UK to live there.

Don't get into arguments about what did and didn't happen. Find a simple phrase and repeat ad nauseum, "I'm not going to sign anything that says I neglected DC". If he says you did neglect them don't argue, just repeat you won't be signing anything that says that.

I'd try to move the conversation onto DC. How does he expect you to sort accommodation quickly, you don't work or have any money coming in. Does local law require him to pay good maintenance or spousal support in the case of a divorce? Until something's agreed with money or he agrees you can go back to UK I don't see how you can move anywhere else.

This is a really tricky situation. I'm sorry you're facing this OP .

How are you OP

I really think you need to blank out your mum.

You sound extremely naive and now you are very vulnerable.

I would use the upcoming visit of the friend to whatever means you can but you need to get your DH to agree in writing that your DC can come back to the UK and get settled in school here.

Also, why is the passport taking so long? Did you arrange that or did he?

I'm ok thanks. Bearing up. I'm confused and vulnerable yes. Re my mum, I think she is trying to help but she has a lot on her plate right now and genuinely doesn't know what to do or say to help.

I'm googling stuff if I have to stay but everything I find out just makes me angry and miserable. E.g., the only accommodation I can find in the village is holiday villas for 1K a week, I'm only entitled to extra benefit when divorce is granted,I don't qualify for unemployment benefit here and he declares less than he earns so spousal support would be pittance.

I'm just hoping my DH and his family understand my circumstances and give me permission to go. I think I need to work on that.

We both got some conflicting information about my DS starting school so that's taking up some time at the moment.

Re the passport situation, I have no idea why it's slow but post from here to the UK has been so sloooow since the pandemic. I've just had a text telling me to expect a courier this morning. Fingers crossed that's what it is.

On another note, DHs friends did book a villa. I haven't suggested it yet but if I don't go to the UK I'm hoping he goes in with them while they're here.

As depressing as the research is,
Does clearly show that when the divorce progresses you can’t stay there
Make sure you file everything
It’s a project !

Remember no family court would boot out a mother and send her home without kids

Keep putting one foot in front of another

Really tough times for you

Is your mum being supportive or making things worse ?

@Thisisworsethananticipated Another thing, I have found out today that they've changed the threshold for school here. It means DS will be doing another year of pre-school and if we stay will be nearly 7 by the time he starts school! He only misses out by 2 weeks. He got his leavers certificate from preschool and everything and I bought his uniform and now he has to go back to preschool!

So re my mum, yes I was surprised about her reaction but she's struggling at the moment. She's dealing with her relatives estate herself and is sole executor. She's had minimal involvement from solicitors to save cash. At the same time she moved house into a new build. The builder had a heart attack and died before he finished the project but my DM and DSF decided to carry on with the purchase and move in anyway and that's been very stressful for her.

She gets overwhelmed and yells stuff like I'm too old for all this s*! I just want to enjoy my life. I genuinely believe she may have been more supportive if she didn't have that other stuff in the background but I feel a little let down that she's not taken the 'my door is always open ' type approach.

But she's had a U turn this morning. She said she's decided as she gets older they could do with having family locally. (My DB and step siblings are between 3&5 hours away) so now she is considering buying a property that we might be able to live in eventually. She would rent it out until we could get over but she's looking at a location that is more prestigious and expensive than where I was considering.

I’m sorry to hear your DM is struggling but actually her proposal to buy a house for you sounds great news. Do you think that the house would tempt your DH? Ideally your relationship would only officially come apart once you were settled back in the UK with DC in school here. Then you won’t have to deal with Cypriot legal system.

I'm hoping DH realises dealing with the UK legal system is a better idea. He's still shellshocked I agreed to divorce tbh. He's still being very short with me and he's 'grey rocking' me.

My DM is telling me not to discuss anything with DH at the moment and reminding me to keep my phone away from him.

Did you think you were going to beg to stay together and it would bring you into line to let him be even more selfish???

If he starts going on about giving it another go then make it on condition of moving back to the UK.

I honestly think him and the in laws would be better off coming back anyway from what you've said.

Yeah, he thought I was going to get myself to the doctor, psyciatrist, councillor straight away.

He also keeps saying that I have a very nice life here and he's given me everything and I should be greatful.

But my thoughts are that material things mean nothing if you are being treated the way he's been treating me. And that's part of the problem because my head is full of examples of things he's done or said to upset me and he judges and undermines everything I do and I just can't live like this any more.

OP even people who loathe and hate their ex have dissonance over the end of a marriage and the consequences of divorce. He may have the luxury of being able to rehearse your old arguments in the futile hope you will agree on something. Neither of you can or will. This is a dead relationship and there are no arguments to win.

But I don’t think you can risk the luxury of going round in these circles. In the divorce papers he has shown part of his hand. That he will accuse you of being a neglectful parent. Even if you see it as a petty jab don’t risk being caught off side by a further petition that he is given sole parental responsibility. He can throw in your desire to relocate the children to the Uk as an intent to alienate them from him and his family. He is definitely willing to go low.

I urge you to speak to a Cypriot solicitor ASAP. Stop engaging in these mind games and debates with him. There really isn’t any realistic way you can persuade him to move to the UK to divorce. He can’t be that stupid. All the cards are stacked in his favour in Cyprus. Sorry but that’s the truth.

You will be divorcing in Cyprus and their courts will decide on parental rights. Which will favour shared responsibility and close proximity for both parents.

Speak to a solicitor and forget about what reaction he might be trying to provoke. You cannot stay married to him.

Don’t leave that house and don’t leave the children with him or his family for any period of time.

Keep focussed on what to do next.

If your mum is worried about your phone then maybe do take that seriously. Will he try to isolate you? Do you need to organise a back up phone?