How do I cope with the long game?

[mrsnec]

I have been having marriage problems for years. I have posted on here before about problems with our sex life and problems with my husband's awful mates.

He's now saying he wants a divorce. We live abroad. I have never really settled here. I feel isolated and have no job and no friends.

I don't really have friends in the UK either but I think it will be best in the long run if I go back. The problem is we have 2 children. I think he knows it's best for them to come back but I know he's going to make it difficult. My parents are in the UK but not exactly supportive. I wanted to hear a 'my door is always open' from my mum but instead got 'you need to do everything you can to save your marriage '

At the moment my plan is to stay where I am while I figure out what to do. My parents are due over for a holiday on the 18th. They are here for nearly 3 weeks and I'm considering going back to the UK with them and taking the kids for a holiday whilst looking at places for us to settle.

DH's mates are coming over for a lads holiday in the first week of October and I can't be around for that.

So we agreed to be civil to each other but he's still drinking, he's still being manipulative, digging at me at every opportunity, has no remorse about how much he's hurt me and thinks it's as simple as 'I just don't want to be married to you any more but we can still be friends'

But I'm finding this bit torturous. I know lots of people play the long game before the final split but how do you cope with this bit and when do you tell the kids?

His parents live close and he has friends with vacant rental properties now. He has places to go but won't and hasn't told anyone apparently. When my parents are here he wanted them to stay in a hotel. They're saying they don't see why they should as it's my house too so DH (I'm not at acceptance phase yet) is now saying we have to pretend everything is ok for now.

Tips on how to get through the next few weeks? And fingers crossed my son gets his new passport soon!

And locations wise, we're talking about moving from Ayia Napa to Torquay. That's not going to be a massive culture shock is it?

Is that a joke? Or sarcasm?

Because I have been to both several times, yes, it will be a culture shock.

Have you never learned greek or Turkish? Are the kids learning it at school?

Can you speak them even conversationally?

@Hekatestorch No,not a joke re locations that's exactly what I'm dealing with.

So, the DC are fluent in English and speak greek. DS can't write in either language and DD can write basic greek. I can read Greek and I've been learning it since I've been here but I struggle with it and whilst I try I can't make myself understood. It's yet another thing I feel I've tried my hardest at and failed.

DH is an abusive functioning alcoholic who appears to hold all the cards here. That's what is upsetting me.

I know he misses his friends he spends up to 7 hours a day on drunken zoom calls with them he could come back too and live with them surely or perhaps there's a way that I could persuade them all me taking the kids back is the best thing?

He's the one with the problem. The thought of spending my inheritance on legal fees and staying somewhere where I'm so deeply unhappy just fills me with absolute dread.

Also are some of you actually thinking that I'd go anywhere without the DC? Absolutely not but not would I do anything against the law anywhere.

Just looking for ways I can be happy too without him getting away with what he's done to me.

Reading your most recent posts, I'd work on getting DH on board with moving back to the UK, THEN separate.

You'll have to be quite manipulative and focus in on HIS reasons for moving back- his mates etc. It could take a while to get there, but him having this stupid bender/holiday with his mates in Cyprus, whilst you're in the UK, could actually be what's needed for him to be convinced to move back to the UK where his mates are.

Would your inlaws likely move back to the UK, or will they stay put in Cyprus?

I think the long game might be longer than you'd like or need, but I'd seriously start putting some ideas in his head about all of you moving back here, before telling him your plans. To help you along the way and to support you, invest in a decent counsellor. This will keep you focused and will hopefully addesss your MH x

Well, even if you legally could, it wouldn't be right to take your kids to a different country from their father! How would you like it if he did that to you and how would the kids feel??

Also, your in laws own the house so if you split, you have no legal rights to that.

I would talk to your husband and run through all the possibilities and come to a mutual decision. Maybe push the longer term employment possibilities for the kids, education (what is education like there ? ) etc.

But I find it very strange that you've made no friends in 12 years. There is a big greel community where I live and although they're close knit, they're really nice.

Could you teach English out there? Even online and not necessarily to the locals? What job did you use to have? Could you retrain in something like bookkeeping, web design, marketing etc that you could do online?

@Jungleoo, unfortunately I think you're right. That might be the way to go. If he wanted to go back to the UK I'd jump on board if we were together or not. We have talked about it in the past but it didn't happen because we've put so much into trying to make it work here.

His holiday with his mates is his main focus at the moment. He dissapeared for a few hours yesterday. I thought he'd got called out by a client but he'd gone to the north to book some beach cabins for his mates.

My mum threw shade at me brining the kids over for a holiday whilst DH's mates are here. She thinks it's a really bad idea to take the kids out of school when they've been off for so long. She said it will be easier this time because I won't have to cook for them and do their washing like I have done in the past. My problem is just being around them because they're all so hideous and also the kids are always so difficult during that time, refusing to sleep, constantly moaning about why Daddy is allowed to do fun stuff with his friends when he never does fun stuff with them. DM said I should just suck it up or I'll never be able to cope with being a single mum.

The story with the inlaws is that FIL has no family in the UK now. He also now hates flying. MIL has a massive family in the UK. Even in before the pandemic none of them have ever visited us over here. She misses them and frequently talks about going back too. They just moved from a holiday type villa with a pool to a traditional bungalow with land. It's a stupidly big project and DH has been involved with that too. Short answer is they're torn as well.

So I've had bad experiences with counselling in the past. I have considered it for this situation too but in my head I'm just thinking why would I pay a stranger 75 quid an hour to tell them my overworked alcoholic husband is an a*hole?

The long game basically consists of
Grey rock 🪨 with him
Detailed planning sheets
Financial
Schools
And child acess
Understanding in what legal system your separation occurs and the rules that apply
Planning around child custody , who is based where

I have to send my kids to italy to see their dad
Bear in mind that covid makes things harder and more expensive , not impossible

And self care
Start to get out , tell people etc
Try to see friends and get non home respite and fun

You can do this
Keep doing actions and planning every day x

@Sakurami Yes I know I've no rights to this house. It's bugged me for years.

We live in a very rural community. Houses spread out a lot. I can go for days without seeing anyone. Government education has a reputation for being awful. We talked about sending the DC either to international school or to the British schools on the army bases. Both options were way beyond our reach financially. We decided putting the DC in the village school might help us integrate but so far it hasn't. DS goes up to the main school soon though and we're having a big birthday party for DD and inviting her whole class soon. DH is saying he's happy to still go ahead with that and he wants to pay for it and organise everything.

I have been wanting to do a TEFL qualification for years but I struggled with homeschooling and I'm struggling with my Greek which made me feel like I'd be a rubbish teacher so I sacked that idea. My background is in marketing. I tried to get remote online work on several occasions but never managed it. DH is setting up another business with a client and wouldn't let me get involved in it at all and that destroyed my confidence a bit.

My head is all over the place. DH is being quite reasonable over some things. Yesterday he was even talking about going furniture shopping! He thinks DD needs a proper desk in her room and we need a kitchen island. I went along with it. I was too scared to question it.

I would try and persuade him back to the UK. Using seeing more of his mates, children schooling (they are a good age to slot into the UK system with plenty of time to catch up) and the big carrot of your £18k inheritance which would help set up all up in the UK.

Does he have the type of business he could relocate to the UK?

Ok if your background is in marketing, I would look to do that. Decide on your niche and start growing your audience on whatever social media platform they mostly hang out and get clients. If you need a refresher there are lots of good free and paid courses around. Join facebook marketing groups etc.

It sounds like for the sake of the kids and their education , the best thing is to go back to the uk. Maybe his unhappiness is contributing to his drinking etc and being back may help your relationship?

@Itllbeaninterestingchristmas

I would try and persuade him back to the UK. Using seeing more of his mates, children schooling (they are a good age to slot into the UK system with plenty of time to catch up) and the big carrot of your £18k inheritance which would help set up all up in the UK.

I'd hate to share this with him, but if it would get you all back to the UK I think it would be worth it.

I think Jungleloo has given some very good advice in her posts op. So sorry you find yourself in this situation.

@Thisisworsethananticipated, thanks for that. I hadn't heard the grey rock terminology before. Had a quick Google. Read some very interesting and helpful articles.

So DH has 2 businesses. The majority of the time he is on his own. It's not a transferable or remote business at all. His other business he has with a partner is transferable. But that one only has 1 client despite the fact it's been going over a year and only has one client. Sometimes DH's UK mates moan about being underpaid or lack of work and he always tells them he reckons he'd walk straight back into any job he wanted if he ever came back.

He hates his work here. It's very physical and soul destroying. The new business was supposed to be better but his partner is very demanding and they're struggling to get it off the ground. DHs moods do tend to get worse the warmer it gets and the more he takes on but he'll insist I'm soley responsible for his misery and there's no excitement in his life.

Before he properly kicked off, a typical day in his life went like this work 6am-3pm, DIY for his folks 3-6 running around after his dodgy other business partner 6-10 then home straight in the virtual pub until God knows when. My mum thinks he's burnt out.

Thing is, I'm so hurt by recent events I'm not sure if I'd forgive him and go with him. I think we'd probably still separate if we go back but I'm really not sure. My mum thinks he's the one with the MH issues and if that's the case maybe I have to cut him some slack.

His best mate is about to get evicted from his house and can't afford to live anywhere near his kids. That could change things. All of DH's mates live in the home counties where I'm originally from, his relatives are all near Bristol and he has ties with Somerset where he went to boarding school. I'd be flexible on location if we moved back.

Sounds like you need to plan a detailed conversation
In my bitter experience men don’t tend to engage with their mental health very powerfully
I’m sorry if that sounds sexist

Under what country laws would a split take place ?
And could you earn enough to run a second home ?
Those are very critical , as if not in the UK he could easily swerve his legal obligations

It's absolutely impossible to talk to him. He's just saying he wants a divorce, he wants to relinquish all his responsibility for me, marriage has ruined his life and he just doesn't want to be married anymore.

When I asked him how he envisaged my future he just said that was for me to figure out.

He has a history of putting things on me. He has problems in the bedroom sometimes and it's put me off on many occasions and turned sex into an ordeal for me. But he's blamed that on my technique or lack thereof and had a go at me for not going to the doctor about my low sex drive.

Impossible for me to run a second home on wages here.

No idea how the law works here either but we didn't get married in Cyprus or the UK so I have no idea about the legals. He's not served me any papers yet and he's been creeping up to me this afternoon so I have no idea what's going on.

Where did you get married ?
When I felt stuck the thing that helped
Me was
Educating myself , planning , and saving

You are playing a long game
I saw a solicitor years before we split

It easy for people to say LTB but actually it’s more PTLTB !

I thing you will feel better for this planning

Agree on the planning
Also get the idea of what you’re entitled to. It helps

The other thing is DH wants to divorce, let him! Agree to it and don’t keep asking him what he’s going to do to help you manage, that IS for you to work out ultimately and you will be able to sort something out

He knows the kids would be better off in UK education, which is your strongest point.

DM said I should just suck it up or I'll never be able to cope with being a single mum. this is the reason why your in this horrendous relationship, you’ve been groomed for this abusive relationship (as I was)

Ignore your mother, let’s hope that she can check out houses for you, but my guess is she’s going to fuck that up. Don’t expect much help at all from her. When you have the inheritance money it’ll be what you need to enable some kind of soft landing

I have got an idea of what I'd be entitled to. Pretty much everything going in the UK, here, pretty much nothing.

We got married in Malta in 2008.
I agree if he wants a divorce I will just tell him to go ahead. His toxic and extremely dodgy business partner is related to the solicitor DH has been to see. His business partner is coming back over here on the 16th. It wouldn't surprise if I get served the papers whilst he's here.

I'm finding planning difficult. Eveyone keeps making me think I won't be able to get the kids out and then I get really upset at the prospect of having to stay. I even tried to look at rental properties in the village and there's literally nothing.

I'm also really confused.DH is still hardly talking to me but the other day he was talking about going to Ikea to choose new bedroom furniture for DD and getting a new kitchen island.

Yesterday he finished work early did loads around the house, took the DC for a walk around the village and came back with bakery treats including my favourite pud.

I know he's up to something.

I agree about my mum. She actually said to me yesterday 'I deserve a break I'm not having all this ruin my holiday '

A friend of mine yesterday said she was surprised at my mum's behaviour because she's been through it herself which is true but she had a knight in shining armour waiting in the wings and supportive parents.

Could you access a lawyer in Cyprus? You really need to get yourself better informed on your rights.

I think you are going to have to face the realities of your situation. Your husband is repeatedly asking for a divorce. At some point you are going to have to separate. For the sake of your children that will need to be sooner not later if things are toxic. There is no long game.

Your husband has a business, a home and his close family in Cyprus. His children are settled and he has support from his family. Those are strong ties and reasons to stay. It would be bonkers for him to follow you to the UK with no family support, no money (other than yours), no job and no home. You are pinning a lot on him wanting to be with his friends. He’s already making plans for the house, meaning he intends to stay there. He doesn’t want to be with you.

If you want to relocate with your children you will either need your husbands permission or a court order. You have already said that your husband will not give it easily. Please realise that you will have very little influence over his decision making given the state of your marriage. Putting it bluntly he doesn’t have to listen to you and it’s not in his interests to relocate.

You are going to have to speak to a lawyer. Find out what realistic prospects you have for returning to the UK. Since the house you live in belongs to his family you will need to be prepared to move out if or when he asks you to. You need to work out how you can support yourself as a single parent. What benefits or child support will you be able to get. This is not him winning. It’s about you taking control in a realistic way.

But the real issue here is your children. If the marriage has turned toxic then you need to end it for their sakes. Not continue it with added game planning and manipulation, which are unlikely to work. I suspect your mother is being equally straight with you. She is effectively telling you that you cannot run away without sorting out the end of your marriage. She is right.

This might sound cruel. But I think you are clutching at a lot of tenuous straws whilst events and time move on. Meanwhile your children are living in a dysfunctional situation.

OP can you contact women’s aid in the U.K. for advice? I have no knowledge of Cypriot law but they may be able to advise?

Just be careful that he's not discovered you're writing on MN. My DH did this and for a year, was scrolling through all the feeds to find mine and basically reading all about the issues with our marriage, getting resentful, hating me for it without discussing our marriage with me at all.

People he knows probably use it too and from the details you give, you're easily found out, so just be aware x

I have no idea of legal and benefit systems overseas but can you possible find an English speaking lawyer who knows the system inside out and what your rights are. Start by having a detailed knowledge of the ins and outs of your situation and any restrictions placed on you before you plan anything. Is there an equivalent of a CAB-and how about the ex pat community? Is there an advice centre there? Do breadwinners have to lay spousal support? It’s the only way you could stay there if you can’t find work. Does your husband have a moral conscience? It doesn’t sound like it but is he really prepared to cast you adrift with nothing considering you gave up everything to move with him? But get a lawyer.
Is it possible to have an honest conversation with your husband about moving back to the UK rather than trying to ‘guide’ him to that decision using his friends? You don’t need to say that you would unilaterally move back-just suggest to him that he might be happier instead of slaving like a dog (and drinking to cope). I feel a lot of sympathy for you. Taking a realistic look at your options and deciding what to do may give you more of a feeling of control-at the moment it sounds as if you’re not controlling anything but allowing your husband to dictate matters. Once you’ve seen a lawyer and have a better idea of exactly where you stand, you might be able to dictate some things to him too.

I feel much sympathy also
Stowe family law handle international (see website , more services )
They also provide a free call back service
Email them today

How much money do you have ?

Dom you think there is a risk he will ask to keep kids and boot you out ?

I was served divorce papers today.

He sites neglect of him and the children and my refusal to get my health in check. It says we've been living separate lives for years and is factually incorrect.

When he came home I told him I'd been served and he said he thought I'd have the papers last week. I asked him if he'd seen them first because they don't seem correct and I think something has got lost in translation. He's told me he hadn't seen the papers and denied what's on them. I said I would grant him a divorce but not on those grounds and not if he's admitting to not approving the papers before I was served so he's getting them translated properly.

I asked him again what his long term plan was regarding the children and he says it's for the courts to decide.

He knows about my financial position and that of my family. Meanwhile my DM is now saying her inheritance would fund a house here or in the UK and mine is now at least 20K but I literally have nothing else. I did have another inheritance a few years ago which paid off all our debts, the negative equity in the UK house we sold and I bought a car and a boat which I put in his name and told him he can keep.

I am looking into legal advice and reitterate the point to you all again I am not taking the kids anywhere unless I have permission.

I am also aware of DH looking at my phone. He has admitted as much and I feel like I have nothing hide.