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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Come to the realisation DH is a sulker

79 replies

Shefliesonherownwings · 02/09/2021 20:06

We’ve been together 10 years and I really don’t remember him sulking at the beginning. But we’ve had a hard couple of years and over that time, and especially since DS was born last year, more and more often he is storming out and then sulking when we have an argument.

It’s happened again tonight, he literally stormed out of the house, slammed the front door, came back and has ignored me since. I’m getting so tired of it, it’s becoming a weekly habit. What annoys me the most though is that he disengages from DS when he’s in a sulk. Almost as if to punish me. I put DS to bed, he didn’t even say goodnight to him, I’ll tidy up downstairs and get on with some jobs, all the while he’s gone up to the bedroom to continue the sulk. I’m tired of being the one to go and try and have a decent conversation with him.

I don’t want to split up but I’m getting so fed up of this, I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I wanted from posting, just to rant I guess.

OP posts:
EspressoDoubleShot · 02/09/2021 20:15

You’re most certainly not ranting. Understandably your hurt and upset for son & yourself
Your dh is using your son as collateral in a row. He can’t move on,he’s stuck and maintains a bad atmosphere
What do you want to do? What’s your gut feeling

TheVolturi · 02/09/2021 20:18

Men that sulk are not attractive in any way are they?

IM0GEN · 02/09/2021 20:23

Do you just want support to stay with him while he continues to treat you and Ds like this ?

Or do you want to leave him?

litterbird · 02/09/2021 20:26

So, what I can read from your thread he has stormed out numerous times, sulked, given you the silent treatment ( which is abusive), ignores your child and repeats this weekly. How has this been able to continue? Have you not gone bananas at him for doing this, have you laid the law down that this is not acceptable and should never happen again? Have you sat down and talked about why this behaviour is happening as it didn't happen before....or have you brushed it under the carpet so he thinks its ok to keep doing this? I would be livid it this happened to me with such a young family to protect and my own mental health. Its abusive behaviour OP.....totally unacceptable.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2021 20:28

Why don’t you want to split up? Is it because of your son?.
Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. Please reconsider staying with this man, such men do not change and they do this also because they can.

You do realise that what he is doing here is a form of emotional abuse. The responsibility for the sulk is all his and his alone, do not try to jolly him out of it. Carryon with your day and ignore him. My guess too is that this sulking is reserved for you and you alone. I would also think he is all sweetness and light to those in the outside world.

Original poster
Shefliesonherownwings · 02/09/2021 20:29

I really don’t know what I want to do. Obviously I don’t want to be treated like this and I especially don’t want DS to be either.

But we’ve been through so much the past couple of years and I really thought we were starting to come out of it stronger and closer. I do love him and I wish we could sort this out, I’m certainly not perfect, but I really don’t know how to get through to him. @IM0GEN I’m just looking for a place to vent, I don’t really have anyone to talk to here.

OP posts:
lemonadecar · 02/09/2021 20:29

My husband does this OP, among other things, and it is torture. I’m thinking about leaving. What litterbird says is right

MumofSpud · 02/09/2021 20:31

My DH is also a sulker - it's horrible, I would rather have a full blown argument than the sulking. When he is sulking, he will do this to the DC, like yours.
The longest he has sulked is 6 weeks Shock and he is in the middle of another one at the mo (since Monday).
I am sorry I have no constructive advice to give - other (stronger?!) people will come on and say (rightly?) LTB.

PumpkinPatch21 · 02/09/2021 20:32

Have you told him how you feel about his sulking? All couples go through hard periods but it doesn't warrant giving their children the silent treatment. That's really not on.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2021 20:32

Venting will only get you so far. Leaving him will get your further. You do realise that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none?.

Abuse is not a relationship problem. Abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute over you and in turn your son.

What do you want to teach your son about relationships and what is he learning here?.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2021 20:36

He knows how you feel about his sulking and he does not care.

All he cares about is his own self.

FrancescaContini · 02/09/2021 20:36

I feel very sorry for your son. It’s very confusing for small children when adults blow hot and cold…it makes them anxious. I think that you need to consider the impact this “man’s” behaviour will be having on your child.

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 20:38

It's so weird when people do this. Do they realise how they come across to others? Do they realise how much they are hated? What does he think his own child will think of him in the future?

Original poster
Shefliesonherownwings · 02/09/2021 20:40

I’ve told him I hate that he does this and asked why. He says he doesn’t want to have an argument. He has sort of admitted it’s not good or healthy but he sees it as ‘right’ if that makes sense. I’ve said I’d rather have an argument and get it all out, he prefers avoidance. Inevitably we sort things out which means we brush over the issues and nothing gets resolved properly. Then the next argument happens and the cycle is repeated. Except it’s becoming more frequent and I’m getting more fed up.

I know what you’re all saying about this being unacceptable, and abusive and of course I hate that DS is exposed to it. It literally breaks my heart. But I suppose part of me wonders if I am
to blame and I cause this. I don’t think I do and we’re just having ‘normal’ arguments but I’m not the nicest person sometimes and I wonder if it’s my fault. I haven’t been easy to live with. I don’t know, I feel so all over the place.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2021 20:43

Do not keep on exposing your son to this emotional abuse aimed at you and in turn him.

No you are not to blame. No you did not cause this. This is ALL on him your husband and if you were to look at his parents, one of them likely acts in this self same manner.

Contacting Women’s Aid to talk this through with them could help you no end.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/09/2021 20:45

Abusers often ramp up the level of abuse against their chosen target after pregnancy and or childbirth.

He is not going to change. This is who he really is.

gamerchick · 02/09/2021 20:46

Have you told him that sulking is on the domestic violence list and makes him an abuser? That you won't tolerate your child being put through it and that he needs to sort it out or splitting up is a real option?

You can't make your bairn live with someone who behaves like this OP. It's not fair.

BrilloPaddy · 02/09/2021 20:48

Doing this to you is one thing, but doing it to a child? Unforgivable.

It is abusive, no matter how hard you try to convince yourself it isn't. He is dictating the mood of the entire household.

Beancounter1 · 02/09/2021 21:13

he prefers avoidance. Inevitably we sort things out which means we brush over the issues and nothing gets resolved properly. Then the next argument happens and the cycle is repeated. Except it’s becoming more frequent and I’m getting more fed up.

He doesn't want to 'address the issues' or 'resolve the problems'. His sulking is not about wanting to avoid arguments, it is about training you to shut up and not 'raise issues' with him.
The cycle is repeating with increasing frequency because you are not getting the message; that if you keep trying to 'resolve problems' then he will keep punishing you until you learn to shut up and do whatever he wants without arguing.

This is who he is. He really, truly believes that he is in the right and has the right to sulk, and that you are wrong and deserve to be punished for causing him hassles.

Please LTB.

Hopeful22 · 02/09/2021 22:13

I'm sorry but this is a huge red flag. I'm 8n the middle of a horrible horrible seperation from narcissistic, manipulating , controlling stbxh ...but THIS - he has done this too many times , because stbxh is annoyed at ME , he will take it out on dc , its unforgivable, I've seen the look on my ds face , when he says, oh mum , dad didn't even give me a hug saying goodnight, he didn't say love you back. THIS, among a list of other reasons , is why I'm LTB . Unforgivable and despicable behaviour from a grown father to their young children. I'm sorry but if he has the potential to treat his innocent children like this and he sees no disrespect in treating YOU like this , then the writing is on the wall. Value you, your worth and your kids. You deserve more

BeachDrifting · 02/09/2021 22:45

I understand because this is how my husband behaves. During lockdown he ignored me for a whole month. I don’t know what to advise but if you have the ability and capability to get out and build a different life then do it. I wish I could. I’m not sure where this behaviour comes from. I’m totally fed up. If I was 10 years younger with no kids I’d be gone and never see him again.

lemonadecar · 02/09/2021 22:49

@BeachDrifting why wouldn't you go?

Houseplantmad · 02/09/2021 23:01

@Hopeful22 that’s so sad for your DC but I hope their new life without this will be happier, and yours too.

OP, please don’t normalise this behaviour for your DC by staying. Would you want him to learn this behaviour and do it to others in the future, including you?

LV2NY · 03/09/2021 04:19

My husband turned into a sulker in the 5 years before he passed away, it was baffling as he was a mature intelligent guy and I expected more from him. Usually the sulking happened when he did things behind my back and knew he was in the wrong so was punishing me for not agreeing. He didn’t block out the kids though, he kind of did the opposite, gave them lots of love and attention, far more than usual to rub my nose in the fact he was ignoring me.
In your situation I think I would spend the night in the spare room/on the sofa so he gets the message how unhappy you are and hopefully it opens up a conversation for you.

Original poster
Shefliesonherownwings · 03/09/2021 07:32

Morning, thank you for your comments all. I’m reading and processing them. Needless to say I’ve had a rubbish nights sleep thinking it all over and over.

I can’t just up and leave right this second. I have nowhere to go, there’s no one locally who can take me and DS in. I also have no money as I’m on mat leave and not getting any pay now. All the savings have gone on supporting me over whilst I’m off and there’s not much left. I’m due back to work in a couple of months, I could go back earlier but when DH asks why, I’m guessing ‘so I can leave you’ isn’t going to go down well.

I think the best think to do is to tell DH I think it’s best he go and stay at his mums. If he’s going to sulk and ignore us he might as well not be here. His mum is round the corner and has space for him. He’ll have to explain why he’s staying but that’s his problem. I’ve no doubt the sulking will continue today and it’s DS who is most important here. He doesn’t deserve this.

OP posts: