Come to the realisation DH is a sulker

[Shefliesonherownwings]

We’ve been together 10 years and I really don’t remember him sulking at the beginning. But we’ve had a hard couple of years and over that time, and especially since DS was born last year, more and more often he is storming out and then sulking when we have an argument.

It’s happened again tonight, he literally stormed out of the house, slammed the front door, came back and has ignored me since. I’m getting so tired of it, it’s becoming a weekly habit. What annoys me the most though is that he disengages from DS when he’s in a sulk. Almost as if to punish me. I put DS to bed, he didn’t even say goodnight to him, I’ll tidy up downstairs and get on with some jobs, all the while he’s gone up to the bedroom to continue the sulk. I’m tired of being the one to go and try and have a decent conversation with him.

I don’t want to split up but I’m getting so fed up of this, I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I wanted from posting, just to rant I guess.

@Shefliesonherownwings, my XH was a world-class sulker. Olympic gold medal standard. At work, I have a reputation for being quite outspoken and taking no shit, but he had me well trained not to argue with him or he would - literally - sulk for a fortnight. I thought I had an anger management problem, but I didn't. I had a sulky 'D'H problem, and I'm vastly happier now he's gone

What I wanted to say is that sulking / stonewalling / passive aggression is a learned behaviour. My XH had learned it from his mother. If your DH is serious about changing, he will need counselling to 'unlearn' this - probably individually, at first. Based on my experience, I wouldn't recommend Relate because I don't believe their people are skilled enough.

Good on you for sticking to your guns. I don’t think the way he behaves is sustainable.

Sounds like a horrible atmosphere to live in for you and your DS. Grew up with a champion sulker father - kept it going for days at times. Both me and siblings have been affected in very negative ways. Totally unable to bear bad atmospheres, terrible people pleasing tendencies and anxiety and avoidance of any conflict to the detriment of our own wishes and happiness. It's insidious behaviour and I'd run a mile now from any adult who can't communicate like a grown up and thinks it's okay to affect a whole household in such a way.

Be prepared for the love-bombing next. He realises he has slipped up - he pushed the 'training' too hard too soon. So he will go back to square one, get you to stay with promises that he will change, it will all be great, he loves you, blah blah blah. And it will be great, for a while...

The in a week or two, maybe a few months, he will start the 'training' again, the sulks, the blaming you, etc., all with the end-goal of making you compliant and ever-watchful for his needs and his wants, so that you will do anything to avoid upsetting him and then getting 'punished'.

He may not even consciously know that he is doing this. It could be a pattern he observed and learned to copy in his early childhood.
But that makes no difference. He won't change as this behaviour suits him and benefits him.
And there's no way you can change him.

So use the lovey-dovey phase to your advantage, keep quiet and plan your permanent exit.