Come to the realisation DH is a sulker

[Shefliesonherownwings]

We’ve been together 10 years and I really don’t remember him sulking at the beginning. But we’ve had a hard couple of years and over that time, and especially since DS was born last year, more and more often he is storming out and then sulking when we have an argument.

It’s happened again tonight, he literally stormed out of the house, slammed the front door, came back and has ignored me since. I’m getting so tired of it, it’s becoming a weekly habit. What annoys me the most though is that he disengages from DS when he’s in a sulk. Almost as if to punish me. I put DS to bed, he didn’t even say goodnight to him, I’ll tidy up downstairs and get on with some jobs, all the while he’s gone up to the bedroom to continue the sulk. I’m tired of being the one to go and try and have a decent conversation with him.

I don’t want to split up but I’m getting so fed up of this, I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I wanted from posting, just to rant I guess.

His sulking is not about wanting to avoid arguments, it is about training you to shut up and not 'raise issues' with him.
"The cycle is repeating with increasing frequency because you are not getting the message; that if you keep trying to 'resolve problems' then he will keep punishing you until you learn to shut up and do whatever he wants without arguing."

^This

Abusive people always blame someone else rather than their own self. I note without surprise he is blaming you. He is angry because he is abusive, not because he is angry.

I would also think he does not at all behave like this to his work colleagues or infact anyone else in the outside world.

You may find that your anxiety reduces considerably when you aren't living with someone who might blow up at you and punish you for spurious reasons, and for days on end.

No you’re right, he doesn’t behave like this with anyone else. He’s not Mr Sunshine, but he doesn’t act like this with others.

I’m so used to him making out I’m the one causing problems, it’s hard not to believe that. But the way he’s been with DS last night and this morning has been a wake up. I’ve text him to say he needs to stay somewhere else and the way he’s treated DS is unacceptable.

It is for you and in turn your son that his abuse is directed at in punishing you for some imagined "transgression" in his head. This is ALL on him. You did not cause this to happen to you.

Be prepared for the scenario that he refuses to leave readily.

Yes, I've been with mine 10 years and have only just come to the realisation that he I a sulked aswell. I've also only just realised that when he's in a bad mood about something else (but you would never know what that is because he would never actually talk about anything like that) then he will be quite nasty to us. He will abboy the kids under the guise of "having a laugh". It's oy him laughing though. He's a fucking torment and a child and then expects them and me to have any respect for him and take him seriously.
The problem is I met him when I was very young and didn't see all these things, and I've matured and he really hasn't. Kind of stuck now though.

Dealing with exactly the same thing..it’s so very sad when they are ‘nice’ the majority of the time. I have had minimal arguing, a great relationship really..but this side ruins a couple.
How do you end things..explain why you feel this way..do they care?
Just do the same back (childish)
I know mine would be affected if I told him I didn’t want to see him, only because he’d selfishly Want to know why.

The problem is I met him when I was very young and didn't see all these things, and I've matured and he really hasn't. Kind of stuck now though

Most of us didn’t see it at first, they can be funny and charming and we fall for their “ nice side “. Until they think we are trapped through pregnancy / marriage / giving up our jobs or own home. Then we see their controlling side.

@Thatsplentyjack - is what way are you stuck? If you want to talk about how you coudl leave, start your own thread and lots of MNers will help you.

This is so sad, it’s as though he is treating your joint son like he’s only yours and is using him to punish you. Like he sees him as your son not his. And is happy to ignore him to get at you…like if you piss him off he sees your son as purely yours, an extension of you and also, even more sadly, as worthy of punishment too.

That’s very upsetting and i’m sorry you’re going through that.

Being made to grow up in a house with that type of abuser is so damaging. It leaves us who had no choice in the matter with anxiety, hypervigilance, disassociation and rage . Good luck to your son, having that man as a parent.

@IM0GEN

The problem is I met him when I was very young and didn't see all these things, and I've matured and he really hasn't. Kind of stuck now though

Most of us didn’t see it at first, they can be funny and charming and we fall for their “ nice side “. Until they think we are trapped through pregnancy / marriage / giving up our jobs or own home. Then we see their controlling side.

@Thatsplentyjack - is what way are you stuck? If you want to talk about how you coudl leave, start your own thread and lots of MNers will help you.

Thank you. For the most part we are quite happy, but when he's in one of these moods ot triggers me being stressed and angry. Thankfully, I am not back to working full time after maternity leave. Although not earning what I used to yet. I own the house outright (he is not on anything) I also pay all the bills, own the car. To be very blunt, I need his wages. We would have a shit life if we only had my income. Sometimes he is amazing, sometimes it's shit, and I don't know how much longer I can put up with the shit.

Sorry, I'm NOW back working full time.

At the very least he needs to agree to relationship counselling. You can’t go on like this.

I echo all the advice above.

If he tries to say it's your fault he's sulking with you, then he must also be saying it's your son's fault that he's sulking with him... can he explain what your son has done wrong to warrant being ignored?

Excellent posts by @IM0GEN and @Beancounter1

You are being conditioned op, pure and simple. Exactly how you would train a dog.

His personality type was exactly the same when you met him, it's just now you are needing more controlling. He doesn't want to do this, he believes it is wasting his time, his way should be the only way.

When are you going to SUBMIT.

The thing is op most of the 'older ladies' can see this abuse every step of the way, and the boundaries which men have to push through as each decade progresses.
This method of controlling you is widespread and impossible to negotiate, as IMOGEN said you cannot change a person, the cast has been set , the terms of your relationship have been set and unfortunately you are the underdog. As Imogen suggested you can either suck it up and become a shell of a person or end the relationship.

THERE ARE NO OTHER OPTIONS.

I know that sounds blunt but it is the truth.

One thing that stands out for pp's is that he used your child as a weapon to hurt you, this doesn't bode well for the type of man he is, he is prepared to use others to hurt you.

In future when the child is older his tactics may change and he may be overly loving and nice to his child whilst you are to be ignored, even training the child to ignor you and scapegoat you, it's very painful to endure.

The abusive behaviour as each decade passes will mean his control has to be ramped up, it is a given and no matter how fantastic at negotiating you are or how intellegent you are, it will be impossible for you to get through to him to see your point of view.

It is frankly a waste of your time trying.

Most of the older ladies could write a script of how you relationship will progress, it is not being patronising it is a warning to value yourself and realise you are worth so much more than this bully can fairly give you.

Your relationship is unbalanced, he has the upper hand, do you want this for the rest of your life, questions that will repeatedly keep coming back into your mind and rightly so because its's so very hard to live a lifetime on this planet without love, respect, honesty and hope.

But I suppose part of me wonders if I am to blame and I cause this. I don’t think I do and we’re just having ‘normal’ arguments but I’m not the nicest person sometimes and I wonder if it’s my fault. I haven’t been easy to live with.

In the nicest way, this is irrelevant. If your DH feels the above is true, the way to deal with it isn't to sulk - it's to address any issues with you and try to get them sorted.

Also, no-one is easy to live with 100% of the time so please don't turn inward and paint yourself as the source of the problem - it's him.

Sorry hadn't RTFT and your update. What a horrible way for him to behave to you and your son.

He thinks you won't leave. He thinks has you right where he can train you and you have no choice. I would love it if you could prove him wrong. He sounds like a right knob.

Just caught up with your posts today, what he did this morning is just awful. You did the right thing to text him to say how he behaved towards DS is unacceptable, but please don’t forget, his behaviour towards YOU is unacceptable also.

I think people can get stuck in sulks, it goes on for a while and they just don't know how to come of it, so on it goes. That's not to condone the behaviour, just an observation
Be upfront. It's awful, childish, wearing behaviour. Tell him in no uncertain terms you won't put up with it, he must stop. If he is upset about something he must tell you what it it.
You say it's quite new behaviour. Don't allow it to become a thing he does.

Hope you are ok OP and he is not there?

Morning all, sorry for the delay in replying. It was a full on afternoon and evening. DH came home and from work and was not happy about me asking him to go to his mums. Tried to tell me he hadn’t ignored DS but had blown him a kiss. I told him that still wasn’t on, he didn’t even come near DS or speak to him and that was unacceptable and I was raging with him for that. I told him however you feel about me you don’t treat him like that. He did accept that. He also admitted giving me the cold shoulder is wrong and makes things worse. Wouldn’t accept it was abusive, and tried to say I’d started it as I said something I know pisses him off. He thought I was saying it to deliberately antagonise which I wasn’t, it just slipped out. I told him I’m not the one at fault here, and I’m not taking responsibility for his behaviour. He said he didn’t want to leave, we could get some help. I told him that right now I’ve reached the end of my rope, I can’t live like this anymore and I need space. He was pretty stunned that I still wanted him to go but I said I needed it. So he went to his mums.

One of my friends came round last night for a chat and was lovely and very helpful. She knows us both really well and had some good insights. I don’t know what the long term plan is, but I know I’m not willing to put up with this behaviour anymore.

Well done OP. It sounds like you really made your point - hopefully this will be a shock and he'll change his behaviour going forwards.

So he came home angry, gaslit you, lied, blamed you and then acted shocked that you didn’t find that an appealing prospect😄 what a wanker.
‘We’ could get help? Nope, the abuser can sort out his own ‘help’, it’s his choice to abuse, so he can do the work to learn how to not abuse his wife and baby. I can’t emphasise enough the damage it causes to people who were forced to grow up in a house like this.

Just putting it out there that you need to look at his behaviour being the most logical cause for your anxiety. It sounds like you’re the fall guy in your relationship, not a partner.