Come to the realisation DH is a sulker

[Shefliesonherownwings]

We’ve been together 10 years and I really don’t remember him sulking at the beginning. But we’ve had a hard couple of years and over that time, and especially since DS was born last year, more and more often he is storming out and then sulking when we have an argument.

It’s happened again tonight, he literally stormed out of the house, slammed the front door, came back and has ignored me since. I’m getting so tired of it, it’s becoming a weekly habit. What annoys me the most though is that he disengages from DS when he’s in a sulk. Almost as if to punish me. I put DS to bed, he didn’t even say goodnight to him, I’ll tidy up downstairs and get on with some jobs, all the while he’s gone up to the bedroom to continue the sulk. I’m tired of being the one to go and try and have a decent conversation with him.

I don’t want to split up but I’m getting so fed up of this, I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t know what I wanted from posting, just to rant I guess.

Plan your exit with due care and attention; no-one is expecting you to leave right now.

You are married to this man and thus have rights in law. Find out properly from a Solicitor how a separation and or divorce here would work out; after all knowledge is power. No obstacle is actually insurmountable.

How is money discussed in your household; does he control it all?. How it is you have no money and did you use all of your savings?.

You have a choice re this man also, your son does not. If you (and in turn your son) truly do not want to be treated like this, then you will ultimately have to leave this man. He does this because he can and it works for him; he totally dictates your relationship/marriage.

Sorry but it won't change. Twenty years in and I made all the excuses for him and thought, if only I tried harder (hint:it wasn't me it was him!). It's harder now as I'm older, tired and it's hard to start again.

Good for you, that sounds like a good plan. He needs to truly get it that his behaviour needs to change if there is any future for you both to stay together.
Apart from the stress of potential separation, how you feel when he’s not around ,as in more relaxed , is worth paying attention to.
It’s normal to have disagreements, being abusive around them is not.
Be firm around what you will not tolerate. Good luck.

Your dh needs to know absolutely that you will not accept this behaviour.
Draw your line in the sand.
If he doesn't improve then
Get back to work.
Save what you can.
Plan your exit.

If he needs space after an argument, that’s fine,, sulking for hours is not. My Dh likes a quick argument involving shouting, then all back to normal, I prefer to both cool down for 10/15 minutes then have a calm talk. So you need to tell him as a couple you need to talk about what to do during an argument. (Counselling would help your H if he was willing).
If he won’t talk about it and won’t change then of course LTB, because you can’t live like that for the rest of your life. But I would give him another chance to talk about all this, pointing out that you are on the verge of separation, before throwing him out.

Yes tell him to go to his mums and I predict once he knows you are done with it, the false promises of change, begging and pleading will start. I had one if these, pure manipulation.
Never try to appease him. Don't cook or clean for him, each time he does it. Pathetic behaviour.
Cannot abide it and to the other posters in similar situations, no-one in this day and age should stay with someone like this! No matter your age, you are better off single.

@AttilaTheMeerkat he’s not controlling with money at all. We have our own separate accounts and then pay into joint current and savings accounts. We pay the same amount in each. I’ve been on no pay for four months now and won’t be back to work for a couple of months. We saved enough for me to take a full year off and then I have my own savings as well. Joint savings have been used for my share of bills/mortgage and general day to day stuff. But we had to use some of it for unexpected house repairs and DH being out of work unexpectedly too so there’s less to go round. I’ve been using my savings to top up so there’s only really just enough left to get me through the next two months.

I’m not saying this is it now and I’m done. But I think we do need space and I don’t want him here if this is how he’s going to behave. He needs to make a big change with how he responds to arguments. I totally get needing time to cool off and calm down. If he’d come back yesterday and said, ‘sorry for storming off, I needed half an hour to calm down, let’s talk now’ that would be fine. It’s the cold shoulder and more importantly the disengaging from DS that’s unacceptable and is becoming unforgivable.

I think also I do partly feel like I owe DH. Without him supporting me over a horrific time I don’t think I’d be here. He really was my rock when we were at our lowest and he was truly amazing. I thought we were untouchable. But now, he’s like a different person and it’s so hard to reconcile his behaviour now with who he was.

I'm wondering how much of your past relationship has been that you will pander to him to resolve arguments? Now you don't have the patience with a DC?

I don't necessarily agree this is an immediate case of LTB. You've admitted there have been lots of arguments, which he is trying to avoid. You've admitted you're not great in arguments either. Be honest here, are you both capable of having a discussion with one another about something you disagree on? Or does it just turn into a blaming slanging match?

I think you can work on this together if you're both prepared to be calm, honest and open with each other. I know this is not a popular opinion on MN, but I do believe that relationships can be saved sometimes.

@Shefliesonherownwings
He really was my rock when we were at our lowest and he was truly amazing. I thought we were untouchable. But now, he’s like a different person and it’s so hard to reconcile his behaviour now with who he was.

Tell him this.

I wouldn't call it sulking, I would call it stonewalling. I've experienced this sort of treatment for YEARS in an unhappy marriage (boiled frog syndrome) and now that I'm out of that relationship I can see the damage it's done to me. I was made to feel inconsequential, invisible and worthless. Now, if anyone ignores me it puts my back up almost immediately and I experience a spike in adrenaline and anxiety, I can't control the physical reactions.

(I say unhappy, but he was abusive, so that's why I was unhappy!)

Would you consider counselling to talk through this? DH and I went on a marriage course a few years ago and it really improved our communication skills.

I can't stand sulkers

This is his issue and his alone to deal with and take responsibility for and of. Abuse is not a relationship problem and is about power and control.

Joint counselling is not recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. If counselling is to be considered then OP should consider going on her own.

I’m actually sat here in shock and in tears. H came downstairs, into the kitchen where I was giving DS breakfast, walked right past both of us and didn’t say a word to DS. Didn’t give him a kiss or cuddle or even say good morning to him. Just walked right past us and then out the front door. I’m so sad for DS. 😔

I feel sad for the two of you. Neither your son or you deserve this sort of "punishment" from this man. Please seriously consider how you can plan your exit from this marriage; this is no life for either you or your son.

Obviously I didn’t get the chance to say to him about going to his mums. I’m going to have to text him and tell him he needs to go there tonight. To ignore me is one thing but to walk right past DS who was looking at him expectedly and not even give him a glance is disgusting.

We’re meant to be going on holiday in three week time too 🙄🙄

@Shefliesonherownwings
Sorry to see your update.
He's punishing a baby then?
What a prick.

I understand why you want him to go to his mum's.
However if this was my ds he'd be getting his arse handed to him and told to go home and apologise to his wife.

This is beyond sulking and definitely abusive. I'm sorry, but he won't change. This behaviour only escalates.

What @Beancounter1 said:

"He doesn't want to 'address the issues' or 'resolve the problems'. His sulking is not about wanting to avoid arguments, it is about training you to shut up and not 'raise issues' with him.
The cycle is repeating with increasing frequency because you are not getting the message; that if you keep trying to 'resolve problems' then he will keep punishing you until you learn to shut up and do whatever he wants without arguing.

This is who he is. He really, truly believes that he is in the right and has the right to sulk, and that you are wrong and deserve to be punished for causing him hassles."

I've just ended my relationship with a man who does this, says he doesn't want to argue, is waiting for ME to calm down.

Yet when I tried to approach the conversation calmly to get to the bottom of things he would goad me into getting angry, then say, see, you're still angry. That's why I don't want to talk.

He often referred to incidents with his ex wife who he had a very acrimonious split from as being crazy and angry, and how she needed to be 'told' by a judge during their child custody court battle.

So many red flags, but bean has described this more eloquently than I ever could.

Can you pack his things and leave them outside/lock the door?

Yes @Beancounter1’s response really resonated.

I’m going to text him and tell him that I don’t want him staying here tonight and the way he’s treated DS is unforgivable. He can crash with a friend if he can’t go to his mums.

I’m sure he’ll turn it all back around on me. I’m the one to blame. But I don’t think I’ve caused this really. My problem is that since DS was born, well actually before that, I’ve suffered with major anxiety. As a result I have been hard to live with, very snappy, irritable, critical, short fuse. But I’ve had therapy and am continuing to have some for other unresolved issues the anxiety was hiding and I’ve really been trying to be better. We had a big talk a couple of weeks ago and things seemed better, more like old times. But then this silly argument last night resulted in me saying something DH didn’t like and off he stormed. But I know he’ll say I brought it all on.

But I know he’ll say I brought it all on.

But you know you didn't. You know the truth.
You don't have to live like this.

I’m sorry to read your latest update, that’s sounds so distressing. The random and pointless cruelty to a child is hard to take.

You said upthread that you what to know how to get through to him, make him understand how you feel. These threads are always full of replies from bright sparks who say “ Talk to him “ . Because obviously you are so stupid you never thought of that before - I’m sure you’ve told him many times how you feel.

It’s not that he doesn't understand. I assume you talked to him in English using comprehensible words he knows and that he doesn't have any learning difficulties. He had enough grasp of the English language to hold down a full time job.

So it’s not that he doesn't know how you feel. He DOES know, he just doesn’t care.

He won’t change his behaviour because it working for him. He doesn’t have a problem with it - it’s YOU who has the problem. You are the one who is unhappy, not him.

He’s acting like this because it gets results. He WANTS you to feel like this- it’s his way of punishing you for your disobedience. He is training you to never EVER raise any issues with him at all, to never say anything to him that he won’t like or that will annoy him.

Because otherwise you know what will happen …. Days of this treatment. Or as A PP said, weeks or months. So you’d better learn to keep you big mouth shut and always do what he wants. Never complain no matter how he treats you. Just be a good compliant wife and STFU.

Of course you will be angry and resentful. So you have two options for those feelings - medicate the with drugs , alcohol, pills, over eating or some other self soothing behaviour.

Or stuff them down inside you and become ill, physically or mentally. The usual one is anxiety and/ or depression.

Because if you are going to stay, this is your life. As soon as you got pregnant and gave birth , he knew that you become vulnerable to his controlling behaviour. It was hard for you to walk out so now he had the upper hand.

He can hurt you and control you in a nice middle class respectable way that won’t bring the police to your door or leave bruises. He can use your baby to get at you, make you feel like you are going mad and being the unreasonable one.

It’s a very clever form of abuse , favoured my men who would look down on men who hit their wives or come home drunk and smash up the house.

More bright sparks will come along and say
“Tell him you will leave if he doesn't change “ .

It doesn't work. This is who he is, this need to control others through abuse is a fundamental part of his personality.

It’s hard enough to change yourself , even when you want to and have professional support ( ask anyone who is one a weight loss diet ). It’s tough.

It’s impossible to change someone else.

Sorry .