Married 18 months and planning to end it already.

[Bookaholic73]

My DH and I have been married 18 months and I already think it’s a huge mistake.

We are both in our 40’s and met & married within 18 months, and I now know it was a huge mistake.

I have found him out countless times lying about silly little things. I don’t believe a word of what he says.

The only 1 thing I am certain of is that he wouldn’t cheat on me.

The main reasons I want to leave:

-I’ve learned he is £1000’s in debt. This in of itself wouldn’t be enough to leave, but it is the secrecy about it. I only found out by accidentally opening his mail one day.

-His kids still can’t even be friendly, even though we’ve been together over 3 years now. I don’t blame them, we definitely moved too fast with getting married etc. They are 12 and 10.

-He has no idea how to communicate about anything, constantly makes promises that he breaks.

-Whatever happens, everything is always someone else’s fault. Usually mine.

I’m not kicking him out right this second. He treats me well day to day, we do fun things together and life is easier with him around day to day.

The house is mine and we have no kids together, so it’ll be a clean break when it happens.
I don’t rely on him financially, the other way around actually.

But I do need to save up some money before kicking him out, as I’ll need a car for work and to replace a few household items.

Not sure why I’m posting, I guess it’s to see if anyone else is going through a similar thing, or if you’ve been through it?

I haven’t kicked him out with no money.

But you did take all the money from your joint account, even though you say you have more money than he does?

Not quite convinced this is real

@debwong

I haven’t kicked him out with no money.

But you did take all the money from your joint account, even though you say you have more money than he does?

Not quite convinced this is real

Why on Earth would I lie about kicking my husband out?? What a strange suggestion.

Yes, I have more money than he does, but he isn’t destitute. He works full time and earns his own money, and has money in his account.

Well, until last week he worked full time. He got the sack.

Well done on getting rid. Enjoy your now peaceful home.

@Bookaholic73

Exactly *@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves* And really, I don’t even care. It’s not my problem anymore, thankfully.

Did anyone else feel relief when they ended their marriage? I’m wondering if I’ll get upset at some point, delayed shock etc.

we have a friend who ended her marriage after a year she lived with him for years before they got married

after they got married, he announced what his idea of a "wife" was - wouldn't take her career seriously, didn't want her going out etc.

I think she'd have divorced before but it was so shocking.

of course you're relieved. Don't be listening to any more of his shit. You relax now

Proud of you op! Well done for staying strong

@DaisyNGO I feel like that’s what happened in my marriage too. He changed the second he put that ring on my finger.

But honestly, now with hindsight I can see so many lies before we were even married.

What a waste of 3 years.

@Bookaholic73 you are probably high on adrenaline, have you got a friend who you can meet up with tomorrow for a coffee/walk just in case you have a bit of a wobble?

@VanCleefArpels good point. I have to work tomorrow but might see if I can meet my friend for lunch break. Thank you.

Thank goodness things came to a head and you couldn't keep on with the waiting a year idea. It's great that you've done it now. Good luck OP.

I was in a similar position a few years ago although not married. Best thing I ever did was to make him leave. Stay strong OP you deserve better than him x

I'm wondering if she is his daughter because the message he sent with that payment to her was 'love from Dad'

Read that back again

@AnyFucker yes I know, sometimes I feel like I’ve totally been taken for a fool.

He swears that she isn’t his, but because he bought her up (for 2 bloody years, it’s hardly ‘bringing her up’ is it) that he was like a Dad to her.

I’ve been such an idiot.

@GrannieD

I was in a similar position a few years ago although not married. Best thing I ever did was to make him leave. Stay strong OP you deserve better than him x

Thanks so much @GrannieD.

He left at about 5pm after a lot of pushing. I honestly think he thought it was just an argument that we could get over.

He has started the texting now. ‘I love you so much’ etc.

@Bookaholic73

Exactly *@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves* And really, I don’t even care. It’s not my problem anymore, thankfully.

Did anyone else feel relief when they ended their marriage? I’m wondering if I’ll get upset at some point, delayed shock etc.

Yes, huge relief.

Although in my case XH left me for OW. However once l realised l would be ok financially l could have kissed her for taking him as I'd been miserable for years but didn't have the guts to end it

@AnyFucker

I'm wondering if she is his daughter because the message he sent with that payment to her was 'love from Dad'

Read that back again

well.... I'd be wondering if he gave money to an OnlyFans type thing and put that message on in the hope of hiding it.

I may be ultra suspicious!!

@Bookaholic73 WOW, amazing job, well done!!!

So hard not to beat yourself up about feeling stupid, but really, you haven't been. You realised the score and acted on it, swiftly. And you have kept your wits about you. I'm in awe!

Did anyone else feel relief when they ended their marriage? I’m wondering if I’ll get upset at some point, delayed shock etc.
I didn't feel relieved when I ended my (17-year) marriage, I felt terribly anxious and worried that I'd just gone mad (which is what he kept telling me). But to my amazement, as time went on, I realised I was never going to miss him! Life just got better and better. And yours will too.

You've done a very brave thing and deserve every happiness. And you have learned to be even more careful in future, which is no bad thing, although I don't think you were at all careless in marrying him. You thought you knew what you were doing. You thought you knew who he was. It's not your fault he's such a liar.

He has started the texting now. ‘I love you so much’ etc.

@Bookaholic73 Block him. You don't need to hear/read that shit right now. If you want to unblock him tomorrow, fine. But tonight you need peace and quiet.

When I kicked my exH out after about 4.5 years of marriage, I felt absolute, giddy relief. I did shed tears a day or two later but it wasn't remorse for having ended it. It was 'let down' from the adrenaline and frustration that I'd let it go on so long. There was also a bit of 'death of the dream'. I'd imagined I knew him, I'd imagined what our life together was going to be like. And that dream had been taken away from me.

You're going to feel a lot of differing emotions over the next few days. Just because something is the right thing doesn't mean you don't 'feel it'. Just let them wash over you, then let them go.

He sent that 1 message and I didn’t reply, and he hasn’t texted since. He said he would message me in a week to sort stuff out (clothes etc).

I’ve come to a huge realisation this evening.
For the past 6 months I’ve been so unhappy. I invested in self care, meditation, more exercise, healthier diet, yoga…and none of it worked.

What I REALLY needed to do was to get rid of what was making me miserable. Him.
I feel so much lighter emotionally.

I’m dreading telling people, I’m so embarrassed.

God, no need to be embarrassed. There’s a real strength to saying, ‘I made a mistake. I was unhappy. I made changes.’
Keep going!

I’m dreading telling people, I’m so embarrassed.

Don't tell them!! Just keep a cardboard cut-out of him in the background for Skype calls. The effect, for you and them, will be the same 😉

x

@DaisyNGO I hadn’t even considered something like Only Fans. Although, I just don’t care to be honest, I just want him out of my life and all the drama that came with him.

No more step kids, that’ll be a huge weight off to be honest.
No more wondering where all our money is going (obviously I now know it was online gambling).

@Alcemeg I’d probably get more truth from a piece of cardboard. Thanks for the much needed laugh though.

@Bookaholic73

He sent that 1 message and I didn’t reply, and he hasn’t texted since. He said he would message me in a week to sort stuff out (clothes etc).

I’ve come to a huge realisation this evening.
For the past 6 months I’ve been so unhappy. I invested in self care, meditation, more exercise, healthier diet, yoga…and none of it worked.

What I REALLY needed to do was to get rid of what was making me miserable. Him.
I feel so much lighter emotionally.

I’m dreading telling people, I’m so embarrassed.

@Bookaholic73

good riddance, well done

about the embarrassment: it won't matter to those who care and those who don't care don't matter.
people who love you want the best for you. don't worry about feeling like a failure. you are not. and they won't see you that way.
they just want to see you happy and now you have a new chance.

salud!🍾🥂

You sound great, op. You will move past this and very soon it will just be one of those blips that just forms part of your tapestry

People will gossip a bit certainly. Then the news will be tomorrow’s chip wrappers and the tittle tattlers will pick on someone else.

Onward and upward