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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Married 18 months and planning to end it already.

118 replies

Bookaholic73 · 02/09/2021 15:24

My DH and I have been married 18 months and I already think it’s a huge mistake.

We are both in our 40’s and met & married within 18 months, and I now know it was a huge mistake.

I have found him out countless times lying about silly little things. I don’t believe a word of what he says.

The only 1 thing I am certain of is that he wouldn’t cheat on me.

The main reasons I want to leave:

-I’ve learned he is £1000’s in debt. This in of itself wouldn’t be enough to leave, but it is the secrecy about it. I only found out by accidentally opening his mail one day.

-His kids still can’t even be friendly, even though we’ve been together over 3 years now. I don’t blame them, we definitely moved too fast with getting married etc. They are 12 and 10.

-He has no idea how to communicate about anything, constantly makes promises that he breaks.

-Whatever happens, everything is always someone else’s fault. Usually mine.

I’m not kicking him out right this second. He treats me well day to day, we do fun things together and life is easier with him around day to day.

The house is mine and we have no kids together, so it’ll be a clean break when it happens.
I don’t rely on him financially, the other way around actually.

But I do need to save up some money before kicking him out, as I’ll need a car for work and to replace a few household items.

Not sure why I’m posting, I guess it’s to see if anyone else is going through a similar thing, or if you’ve been through it?

OP posts:

2bazookas · 03/11/2021 13:37

My DH and I have been married 18 months and I already think it’s a huge mistake.We are both in our 40’s and met & married within 18 months, and I now know it was a huge mistake.

Entirely predictable; what's the rush? It just beats me why anyone these days rushes into marriage with someone they barely know.

Women have multiple methods of free contraception; we earn our own money, run our own lives, have our own homes. No stigma about unmarried people living together. Plenty of time to get to know each other .

WickedWitchOfTheTrent · 03/11/2021 13:47

If you do this, so it soon. That way any debt he has can't be given to you. Short term marriage usually means it take what you brought to the marriage - but do get good legal advice

Mythreeknights · 03/11/2021 13:53

Good luck OP, here for the handhold too

WildFlowerBees · 03/11/2021 13:55

@2bazookas

My DH and I have been married 18 months and I already think it’s a huge mistake.We are both in our 40’s and met & married within 18 months, and I now know it was a huge mistake.

Entirely predictable; what's the rush? It just beats me why anyone these days rushes into marriage with someone they barely know.

This is such an unhelpful unkind post, give the woman your support or keep your mean moral judgements to yourself.

Good luck op, a year from now life will be so much better!

AcrossthePond55 · 03/11/2021 14:00

Best of luck in your conversation with him, I hope it all goes smoothly but that usually isn't the way these things go. He has it pretty 'comfy' with you and more than likely isn't going to want to give that up.

Just remember to 'stand fast' as he's going to have more excuses and reasons than Carter has pills as to why he is the way he is and how he's going to change. He'll probably try emotional blackmail. And above all, remember that you do not have to take abuse or threats (if it gets to that point).

Forewarn your sons and ask them to stay in their rooms. But to be alert for raised voices.

LopsidedWombat · 03/11/2021 14:23

No idea about the legal aspect of his debts but from my personal experience : I was married to someone for ten years and separated for a few years before finally getting divorced. He had some debt, a few thousand, which he ignored. Nobody ever came after me. I continued to receive letters as I remained living at his last known address. A bailiff turned up once and apologised profusely when I said it was my ex and I didn't know where he was.

In your shoes I'd get divorced as quickly and cheaply as possible. Do you think he's likely to try and cause problems considering he's been caught lying? My ex was leading a double life so left with minimal fuss although it did take a few months to get him to actually leave. However, unlike your husband, mine was a joint tenant.

TheGirlCat · 03/11/2021 14:36

Good luck handhold OP, I hope it goes well or at least as well as can be expected.

TheGirlCat · 03/11/2021 14:37

@2bazookas

My DH and I have been married 18 months and I already think it’s a huge mistake.We are both in our 40’s and met & married within 18 months, and I now know it was a huge mistake.

Entirely predictable; what's the rush? It just beats me why anyone these days rushes into marriage with someone they barely know.

@2bazookas I don't think 18 months is rushing it at all. I think it's average to a bit longer than average. You should know if you want to have a life with someone a year in.

neededafart · 03/11/2021 15:11

Piss off @2bazookas your comment adds absolutely nothing. Either support this woman, or keep your opinions to yourself.

Cerebelle · 03/11/2021 15:55

His debts remain his debts. They might be taken into account if a division of assets is decided on by a judge but due to the length of the marriage, this would really only cover any savings and pension OP built since the wedding. That's not likely to be much.

Dillydollydingdong · 03/11/2021 16:05

He may have a right a some of your assets if you've got any, but you don't pick up his debts.

user1471082124 · 03/11/2021 16:16

Hope you’re ok
Well done for making the right decision for yourself and your boys

Salayes · 03/11/2021 17:00

Offering more support here. Dunno why some posters are being arsey, you made a mistake and you are rectifying it, and doing so is not easy for you. I hope things go smoothly and I also agree it would be wise to tell your sons first so they are aware it’s happening, they are old enough to understand.

Good luck

HaggisBurger · 03/11/2021 17:04

I’d say the love from Dad is a fairly good indicator that he’s her dad - yes. Get rid ASAP. Sounds like a total cocklodger.

Midlifemusings · 03/11/2021 17:09

Ah yes, boot the spouse to the curb with a few pounds. I am sure her DH would be oh so supported if he did that to OP.

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 17:14

I haven’t kicked him out with no money. He has money in his personal account, that’s what he uses to gamble.

We’ve had the conversation. He is collecting some stuff right now (clothes etc) and will be going to stay elsewhere.

I should feel upset. I just feel relief.

OP posts:

TheGirlCat · 03/11/2021 17:17

OP, what did he say, did he admit to it all, even the girl/daughter? Was he remorseful? Did he beg you?

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 17:28

Yes, he begged. Promised it’d never happen again. I told him he was right, it would never happen again because we are no longer together.

Swears the girl isn’t his daughter. I don’t believe a word he says now anyway, so it doesn’t even matter.

He said yes, I was right about everything, and also let slip that he had sent the girl £5k as a ‘loan’. Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Says he wants to work it out, that’s he is sorry, etc etc.

OP posts:

DuckDuckNo · 03/11/2021 17:29

You are well rid.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/11/2021 17:34

@Midlifemusings

Ah yes, boot the spouse to the curb with a few pounds. I am sure her DH would be oh so supported if he did that to OP.

I bet he would if she was a compulsive liar, gambled a few hundred a month, is in a lot of debt and hid it, is constantly unreliable making promises and not keeping them, refuses to take personal responsibility and blames others for everything, and possibly has a child hidden away.

I'd fully support any man who wanted out of a marriage to a woman like that.

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 17:34

I thought I’d be upset, at least a little.
But honestly I am so relieved to not have to deal with the drama anymore.
The constant phone texts that he takes to the bathroom with him.

I’m pretty sure he cheated on me, but I just don’t care anymore. He swears he didn’t, but again, I can’t believe anything he says.

I can’t believe I did it.

OP posts:

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/11/2021 17:35

Well he's either her dad and he's hidden that fact from you or he's her "sugar daddy". Either is unacceptable.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/11/2021 17:37

In your op you said the one thing you are certain of is he wouldn't cheat on you
Has he said something now to make you change your mind on that? Is it the 'loan' to 'not his daughter'?

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 17:37

Exactly @IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves
And really, I don’t even care. It’s not my problem anymore, thankfully.

Did anyone else feel relief when they ended their marriage? I’m wondering if I’ll get upset at some point, delayed shock etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 17:38

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

In your op you said the one thing you are certain of is he wouldn't cheat on you Has he said something now to make you change your mind on that? Is it the 'loan' to 'not his daughter'?

I honestly don’t know why, I don’t have a real reason to believe that. Just that if he can lie and keep secrets about everything else, why not that too?

But no real evidence, just a feeling.

OP posts:

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