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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married 18 months and planning to end it already.

118 replies

Bookaholic73 · 02/09/2021 15:24

My DH and I have been married 18 months and I already think it’s a huge mistake.

We are both in our 40’s and met & married within 18 months, and I now know it was a huge mistake.

I have found him out countless times lying about silly little things. I don’t believe a word of what he says.

The only 1 thing I am certain of is that he wouldn’t cheat on me.

The main reasons I want to leave:

-I’ve learned he is £1000’s in debt. This in of itself wouldn’t be enough to leave, but it is the secrecy about it. I only found out by accidentally opening his mail one day.

-His kids still can’t even be friendly, even though we’ve been together over 3 years now. I don’t blame them, we definitely moved too fast with getting married etc. They are 12 and 10.

-He has no idea how to communicate about anything, constantly makes promises that he breaks.

-Whatever happens, everything is always someone else’s fault. Usually mine.

I’m not kicking him out right this second. He treats me well day to day, we do fun things together and life is easier with him around day to day.

The house is mine and we have no kids together, so it’ll be a clean break when it happens.
I don’t rely on him financially, the other way around actually.

But I do need to save up some money before kicking him out, as I’ll need a car for work and to replace a few household items.

Not sure why I’m posting, I guess it’s to see if anyone else is going through a similar thing, or if you’ve been through it?

OP posts:
VanCleefArpels · 03/11/2021 12:30

You’ve been given a lot of really crap advice here - his debts don’t become yours by virtue of marriage for a start. In a short marriage with minimal joint finances a clean break is by far the most likely order a court would make if it went that far. Hopefully it won’t. Don’t drain the joint account, only half of it is yours Bookaholic. As a priority set up a new account to receive your pay and transfer all outgoing direct debits etc to this new account. Are there any household bills in DH name ? You’d obviously have to sort them out in time. As for housing if he is not a named tenant or noted as a permitted occupier on the tenancy then he is a lodger and has very little security of tenure (ie you can evict him)

EKGEMS · 03/11/2021 12:31

Good luck @Bookaholic73 hope it is as drama free as possible

Wnikat · 03/11/2021 12:32

www.gingerbread.org.uk/information/housing/your-housing-rights-when-you-separate/

He may have some rights re: the house.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 12:34

@VanCleefArpels

You’ve been given a lot of really crap advice here - his debts don’t become yours by virtue of marriage for a start. In a short marriage with minimal joint finances a clean break is by far the most likely order a court would make if it went that far. Hopefully it won’t. Don’t drain the joint account, only half of it is yours Bookaholic. As a priority set up a new account to receive your pay and transfer all outgoing direct debits etc to this new account. Are there any household bills in DH name ? You’d obviously have to sort them out in time. As for housing if he is not a named tenant or noted as a permitted occupier on the tenancy then he is a lodger and has very little security of tenure (ie you can evict him)
Thanks @VanCleefArpels

We have nothing joint except 1 account with a few Direct Debits coming out of.

Maybe draining the account wasn’t the best idea, I think I just panicked. Not sure why though, I have more money than he does (as far as I know anyway).

No, no household bills in his name except he is joint with me on the council tax.

Im about to sort the DDs from the joint account out.

OP posts:
TheNewGnuKnew · 03/11/2021 12:35

I cameo. To say what Gingerbread has said. As you are married he could have home rights even if not named on tenancy. I'd speak to my housing officer and find out.

Married 18 months and planning to end it already.
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 12:36

Thanks @EKGEMS me too.

@Wnikat I highly doubt he would want to stay. There is me and my 2 grown up sons (17 and 21) and he wouldn’t want to stay.

OP posts:
altmember · 03/11/2021 12:38

I'm pretty sure that's bollocks. It's not bollocks.

When you marry someone you become a joint legal entity. You no longer have separate possessions, they all become marital assets (or liabilities) - it literally is "what's mine is yours and what's yours is mine".

The default starting point is splitting everything down the middle - he gets half your savings, you get half his debts. You then have to argue as to why it should be split differently. The shorter the marriage, the more likely the financial split will get put back closer to where you were before, but if you were living together before marriage, things can get rewound back to the start of that too. If his debts are getting bigger, then you probably want to get out asap. If he's paying them off then you might be better to wait, but it's pretty risky.

If you're lucky and there isn't much of value to argue over, then it's quite likely that you can both agree to walk away with it with what you want.

I'm wondering if she is his daughter because the message he sent with that payment to her was 'love from Dad'.
You're wondering?? Confused

VanCleefArpels · 03/11/2021 12:40

@Wnikat only until the marriage is ended - in this scenario where there is a short marriage, no children and H moved in with W in her property there is zero chance the tenancy would be transferred to him

Skeumorph · 03/11/2021 12:45

GET OUT NOW.

You are already straying out of the 'short marriage' bracket - divorce asap.

With regard to the joint account, I'd send a text saying that you've had to take money out for some joint reason - a bill or whatever, car repairs.

Yep maybe some money from that account would have to go to him eventually but sounds like you can get out of this fairly unscathed. Especially if you tell him he goes or you start contacting the Dear Daughter.

TrueRefuge · 03/11/2021 12:47

Make sure you get the account frozen OP, so he doesn't withdraw into an overdraft that you are equally liable for.

Here's a handhold. I hope you can make a clean break and put this all behind you; it's awful he's been spending money he doesn't have and lied to you about potentially having a daughter.....

Though if the ex is from around 10 years ago, how would the kid be old enough to have their own bank account...? Unless I misread your post or got the maths wrong. I'm confused about that.

girlmom21 · 03/11/2021 12:50

Good luck OP. It seems like this has escalated rapidly over the last 2 months.
You'll be so much happier without him.

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 12:51

@TrueRefuge

Make sure you get the account frozen OP, so he doesn't withdraw into an overdraft that you are equally liable for.

Here's a handhold. I hope you can make a clean break and put this all behind you; it's awful he's been spending money he doesn't have and lied to you about potentially having a daughter.....

Though if the ex is from around 10 years ago, how would the kid be old enough to have their own bank account...? Unless I misread your post or got the maths wrong. I'm confused about that.

The daughter is now in her 20s
OP posts:
Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 12:52

@girlmom21

Good luck OP. It seems like this has escalated rapidly over the last 2 months. You'll be so much happier without him.
Thank you so much @girlmom21 I know I will be, it’s just the initial confrontation I am dreading.
OP posts:
toastedsandwiches · 03/11/2021 12:53

Here's a hand hold.
You can do this.
We have your back

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/11/2021 12:55

A handhold from me for sure - just get it done and move on from it. Debts, lies, (a secret daughter…)? You made a mistake but these things happen sometimes, and hopefully you can move on relatively unscathed.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/11/2021 12:58

With things like this often the fear of how it will go is worse than the reality.
Best of luck.

StillSmallVoice · 03/11/2021 13:00

Good luck.

Charm23 · 03/11/2021 13:05

Best of luck OP, it sounds like you'll be fine and hopefully you'll get the clean break you're after. Keep us updated. I hope it goes well. Maybe text someone close with a brief explanation just before you ask him for divorce incase he is not as nice as you think x

Pompom2367 · 03/11/2021 13:08

Good luck op let the la know as well they may change the locks for you

neededafart · 03/11/2021 13:11

Here with you OP.

Ignore some of the not to helpful comments and some questionable advice. How are you getting on? is he back from his walk?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 13:15

Thanks so much for the nice comments.

@neededafart he isn’t back yet, I don’t think he will be back til about 3pm.

I don’t want to do it with my kids in the house, just in case there is an argument, but I have no choice really.

OP posts:
neededafart · 03/11/2021 13:18

How old are you children?
Can you hold off for a few hours untill they go to bed?

Original poster
Bookaholic73 · 03/11/2021 13:19

They are 21 and 17 so not much chance of that I’m afraid.

OP posts:
IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 03/11/2021 13:20

Maybe tell them what's going to happen so they are prepared for it and to support you if needed.

AuntEater · 03/11/2021 13:20

Good luck