How to convince my disabled mother she's not capable of visiting my house.....

[Rabblesthecat]

My 77 year old DM is disabled through arthritis. She has two false hips, a false knee (which has collapsed) and needs her other knee replaced. She also has a fused spine. I'm an only child and my dad is dead.

I've always been more than happy to have her come to visit mine for a week or so - I live about 5 hours away. Even though she drives, I'll go up and get her and drive her down (doesn't do long journeys anymore) and then drive her home afterwards. This tends to be once a year.

Last year was a complete disaster but it was blamed on the fact that the week before she'd fallen down a few steps and was black and blue. I've just spent a week at hers and there is no way she will cope.

1. She won't be able to get up off the sofas on her own. At home she has a rising recliner which stands her up. When we went out for a meal the only way she could stand up was to hang onto the tables in front of her to haul herself up out of the seat. There is nothing like that in front of our sofas so she will be dependent on me or DH being there to help her up which is not that easy as she's not a small woman.

1. She can't do the bottom section of our stairs which is a curve and only has a rail on one side. once on the "straight" she's ok and can manage without her stair lift but the first 3-4 steps is not possible. Its also not really possible to add a rail to the bottom part which would completely ruin the decor and I don't see why I should have to for 2 weeks a year.

So last year the visits went like this:

She gets up about 4am when she goes to the toilet as its too much like hard work for her to get back in bed and goes to sit on the sofas downstairs. She stays here until her water tablets start working. Once they do, we have to get her out of the sofa pretty quickly or she pees herself. Then she goes upstairs, again with our help until her water tablets have finished working. This is now around lunch time.

In the past she would have taken herself out for a drive somewhere etc but she doesn't really do that anymore - she sits on the sofa and sleeps (whilst denying she's sleeping) due to taking morphine.

Because she can't get up herself, everything she wants we have to get her.

Then we have dinner and she's sit down after dinner and again sleep all evening - waking up about 9pm with a second wind. DH and I then can't go to bed until she's ready because she can't get up the stairs on her own. Due to the sleeping, this happens at 11pm at the earliest.

I'm WFH and on conference calls from 7am onwards and all this is going on whilst trying to work. The last time she was down I was exhausted by day 3.

I don't mind having her visit but I honestly do not see the point in the amount of discomfort she's in and the stress I feel, just to watch her sleep all afternoon and evening.

I tried suggesting to her that she might not able to cope, and I just get "I'll manage, I'll be fine". She is the most stubborn woman I have ever met and she's always right, is never wrong. Even when proven wrong, she's not.

My uncle agrees with me (he sees her every week) and that she's not well enough. So he's going to try to convince her.

AS an aside, she has no respect for our furniture or decor and will just throw her sticks down, not bothering about what they may crash against in the process! She bangs our dining chairs with her sticks to move them into position rather than ask - one of them has chips on the legs due to it. We've asked her not to but apparently its not a problem as the sticks have rubber on them. The chips on them were not apparently caused by her but must have been us. WE have no kids or pets.......

I'm more than happy to go visit her more often than I have been (work and covid) but she seems intent on coming down to us. I can see me driving 10 hours to hers and back, to get to bring her down for a couple of days just to prove to her she can't manage - and then 10 hours round trip to return her! And that's if she admits she can't manage.

I don't want to upset her or hurt her but I REALLY don't think she can cope being at ours. I just don't know how to go about it without causing a world war!

If she wants change of scenery, book hotel, premier Inn, travelogue, air bnb which has "accessible rooms" all on one floor or with a lift

Have you thought about booking a holiday cottage somewhere as its sounds like she would like a change of scenery? You can book one designed for disabled access with everything on one level. A long weekend might be best to try it out

Holiday cottage or hotel is out...... she can only sleep on one type of mattress or her back won't move at all - I have one in my house that is the same make as the one in hers for that reason.

Take the mattress with you

Also, the issue would be who pays. She wouldn't what's wrong with your house?) and my DH who thinks I should just tell her straight would give e as much grief as her!

@dancemom

Fit a king size 18 inch thick mattress in a car? I'd have to hire a van as well. That is just not practical!

If you can't convince you will just have to tell her "you cannot stay in my house as you can't physically manage it. It really is as simple as that.

You are going to have to practise being kindly assertive… it’s awful, and hard, but she’s not going to choose to accept her limitations.

Your DM cannot stay, if you don't take her

Find some accessible restaurants & hotels near where she lives

I can only see two options.

Either just explain it isn't possible due to her mobility.

Or take a less confrontational way out and invent a major house project that makes it impossible for months.
Said project can be imminent but delayed for a long time due to shortages of stuff or people.

Offer to go to hers instead and plan some nice afternoon outings to places where you can borrow mobility scooters ?

You’re asking how to convince her. You want her to see that you’re right and, to be honest, it doesn’t seem as thought that’s likely. Your description of her suggests that she doesn’t like to concede an argument.

She cannot actually visit you without you enabling it though. It is difficult to say ‘no’ to a parent because it represents a shift in the power balance of the relationship. It feels inappropriate or even unkind.

But it’s not unkind. It is better for your relationship that you say ‘no’ and let her be cross about it than that you bring her to your home and then end up with your point being demonstrated while you become frustrated and she risks losing her dignity.

What would happen if you said that she could visit you when she can demonstrate that she can get herself on and off a sofa and up a few stairs without holding on? Or is her situation such that it can’t improve?
Do you have room for a reclining chair like the one she has at home?
It might not be something you want permanently in your sitting room but, if you have anywhere else at all to keep one, you could have it moved up for her visits (even if you had to get professionals to move it)?

Otherwise, it is better to hold firm and just say ‘no’. You don’t have to convince her to agree with you. Sometime people have to accept that they see a situation differently from each other. She can’t visit you unless you facilitate it, and that’s a fact she can’t escape. It doesn’t need to be a row. It’s just a sad “I wish you were right about that Mum. but you’re not” situation.

I have a similar situation with my mother. She is a bit older than your mother, and she cannot manage stairs at all. She keeps asking to stay at our house, but we have no downstairs loo. I keep repeating that it won’t work, no matter now many times she says it will be fine.

I can't have visitors now I'm working from home is all you need to say.

Have you considered hiring an accessible chair and maybe a commode she can use downstairs? She's 77 and probably wants a change of scene. If its once a year I would put up with it but its up to you.

Just don’t collect her, you go and visit her instead

Can she not move closer to you?

Honestly, you don't sound very nice or welcoming. Your poor mum. I've lost both my parents now, both, in the last 5 years, were more disabled than your mum sounds and I had both over much more often than you are talking about even though it was shocking hard work as well as looking after children etc. Loads of people are just using covid as an excuse not to spend time with their elderly relatives. My dad died suddenly during the pandemic and I was barely able to see him In the hospital as they wouldn't let me in. Careful you are not left wishing you had let her come. She just wants to spend time with you. Were you never close?

You need a Zimmer frame to get her off the sofa by the way.

your work might have to rapidly become very busy in an unpredictable fashion where you can't possibly have any visitors.

And don't collect her, but do visit in her house.

@Ozanj

The only way she'll move out of her own house is in a box. I know she has a stash of morphine and I know when she gets to the point she can't manager herself, the morphine will be used. She's been very very clear about that for years.

@nomoneytreehere

I know she needs a Zimmer frame, she won't use one. She has three - two collect dust in the garage and one is used as a plant pot holder.

She needs her sticks adjusted to the right place, but as soon as they are and she leaves the doctors office, she lowers them back again.

I suspect your parents met you half way at least!

Also, she shouldn't be in the position where she might pee on your sofa or anywhere else. How undignified. She needs to be made comfortable with the idea of wearing pads to prevent accidents. The district nurses should be able to help with that if she is low income and can't afford them herself.

I'm honestly not trying to put up barriers to every suggestion people have - I'm hoping someone can think of something I havent already! So I am appreciating the suggestions.

I have looked into chairs and commodes. She won't use a commode and its not possible to hire the sort of chair she has for a short period of time. The one she has is several thousand pounds and not something I can justify buying just for a couple of weeks a year.

If I could, I don't even know who I could fit it into the rooms without literally sitting her six inches away from the TV.

I can't move the bed downstairs without giving up the living room s we'd effectively be living in her bedroom.

Until my dad died in 2007, we were never close - I was closer to my dad. Necessity forced us to be closer but we both know each others faults and normally manage to work around them.

If I really didn't care about her, I'd just tell he "no" and be done with it. Its because I care than I'm having this dilemma

No, not really. Old people get really stuck In their ways. I actually think living alone must be a really scary and depressing time of life if you have any mobility or other health issues. My dad had a catheter fitted 2 weeks before he died (having resisted it for months). He wished he had had it done sooner in the end. Unfortunately when our parents become infirm they often need us to turn into the parent. I'm
Sorry for you though. It's a horrid pressure.

I don’t understand what’s so bad though about her visits?

She dozes off a lot, needs help getting up and getting up the stairs? Am I missing something?

The later bedtime is the only thing I would say sounds actually bothersome and I think you’d have to say you need to go up by 10 (or whenever) and make that a condition of her visiting but otherwise she doesn’t sound much trouble. I’d love to tuck my mum up on the sofa with a pot of tea when she’s 77!