How to convince my disabled mother she's not capable of visiting my house.....

[Rabblesthecat]

My 77 year old DM is disabled through arthritis. She has two false hips, a false knee (which has collapsed) and needs her other knee replaced. She also has a fused spine. I'm an only child and my dad is dead.

I've always been more than happy to have her come to visit mine for a week or so - I live about 5 hours away. Even though she drives, I'll go up and get her and drive her down (doesn't do long journeys anymore) and then drive her home afterwards. This tends to be once a year.

Last year was a complete disaster but it was blamed on the fact that the week before she'd fallen down a few steps and was black and blue. I've just spent a week at hers and there is no way she will cope.

1. She won't be able to get up off the sofas on her own. At home she has a rising recliner which stands her up. When we went out for a meal the only way she could stand up was to hang onto the tables in front of her to haul herself up out of the seat. There is nothing like that in front of our sofas so she will be dependent on me or DH being there to help her up which is not that easy as she's not a small woman.

1. She can't do the bottom section of our stairs which is a curve and only has a rail on one side. once on the "straight" she's ok and can manage without her stair lift but the first 3-4 steps is not possible. Its also not really possible to add a rail to the bottom part which would completely ruin the decor and I don't see why I should have to for 2 weeks a year.

So last year the visits went like this:

She gets up about 4am when she goes to the toilet as its too much like hard work for her to get back in bed and goes to sit on the sofas downstairs. She stays here until her water tablets start working. Once they do, we have to get her out of the sofa pretty quickly or she pees herself. Then she goes upstairs, again with our help until her water tablets have finished working. This is now around lunch time.

In the past she would have taken herself out for a drive somewhere etc but she doesn't really do that anymore - she sits on the sofa and sleeps (whilst denying she's sleeping) due to taking morphine.

Because she can't get up herself, everything she wants we have to get her.

Then we have dinner and she's sit down after dinner and again sleep all evening - waking up about 9pm with a second wind. DH and I then can't go to bed until she's ready because she can't get up the stairs on her own. Due to the sleeping, this happens at 11pm at the earliest.

I'm WFH and on conference calls from 7am onwards and all this is going on whilst trying to work. The last time she was down I was exhausted by day 3.

I don't mind having her visit but I honestly do not see the point in the amount of discomfort she's in and the stress I feel, just to watch her sleep all afternoon and evening.

I tried suggesting to her that she might not able to cope, and I just get "I'll manage, I'll be fine". She is the most stubborn woman I have ever met and she's always right, is never wrong. Even when proven wrong, she's not.

My uncle agrees with me (he sees her every week) and that she's not well enough. So he's going to try to convince her.

AS an aside, she has no respect for our furniture or decor and will just throw her sticks down, not bothering about what they may crash against in the process! She bangs our dining chairs with her sticks to move them into position rather than ask - one of them has chips on the legs due to it. We've asked her not to but apparently its not a problem as the sticks have rubber on them. The chips on them were not apparently caused by her but must have been us. WE have no kids or pets.......

I'm more than happy to go visit her more often than I have been (work and covid) but she seems intent on coming down to us. I can see me driving 10 hours to hers and back, to get to bring her down for a couple of days just to prove to her she can't manage - and then 10 hours round trip to return her! And that's if she admits she can't manage.

I don't want to upset her or hurt her but I REALLY don't think she can cope being at ours. I just don't know how to go about it without causing a world war!

@nomoneytreehere

She can afford them, she won't wear the size she needs when at ours. At hers, she just needs normal pads but because of her limited movement, to prevent peeling herself if DH or I can't be there the instant she needs to get up, she needs the nappy size. She won't wear them.

She won't alert us sooner than couple of minutes before need. Whether that is because she doesn't know or she's stubborn I'm not sure. If she txts me to say she needs to get up, I often have to finish a call (Can't just hang up) and then get down to her and get her up.

Could you pay for a carer to come in on a temporary basis to help out in the mornings and evenings while she stays?

I don’t understand what’s so bad though about her visits?She dozes off a lot, needs help getting up and getting up the stairs? Am I missing something?

You seem to be missing literally almost everything OP actually said, for one thing

If you know she has morphine stockpiled have you informed anyone about it?

@dancemom

Take the mattress with you

Well that has to be the daftest reply to a thread that I've ever seen on here.

@Getafuckingdogwalker

She's not a small woman and whilst she's needing instant assistance getting up and down, both DH and I are trying to work.

Its also made worse by her never saying thank you, being demanding, everything needing doing the instant she wants it and if she hasn't thought of something then its automatically shite.

I didn't say any of this because this side of her personality is just an annoyance and has nothing to do with the practical issues - but its why the practical issues are a lot harder than if someone is actually nice about them. However I would grin and bear it if I could get around the practicalities.

You have to tell her straight I am afraid, that on a practical level it just can't happen. It's a fact that as people age then some things become impossible, and she hasn't quite caught up with this. I am sorry, but that's the way it is.

@category12

No, she won't have one and won't entertain the idea

[quote Rabblesthecat]@category12

No, she won't have one and won't entertain the idea[/quote]
Maybe she will, if you say it's the only circumstance in which you will be able to cope with her visit.

@ilovesooty

If you know she has morphine stockpiled have you informed anyone about it?

That would be a cruel thing to do. I have every intention of doing the same if I become elderly and risk complete immobility. Everyone should have the choice to die with dignity assuming sound mind.

If she won't compromise in any way I think you'll have to tell her that you can't accommodate her needs.

It’s absolutely clear that you care about her and that you are not just putting up barriers. It’s just that you are right and your mum is wrong about this.
Your mum is putting up barriers, not you. She won’t use a commode. She won’t use a Zimmer frame. She won’t have her sticks at the right height.
You cannot reason with the unreasonable so you have to say ‘No, it’s very kind of you to offer to visit me but my house isn’t suitable and, although I wish it were possible, it’s not”.
You are not being unkind. You’re being sensible.

To be honest I would just be totally blunt about it and say "sorry mum, it's just not doable for you to come to us anymore, I'll come to you - when suits?" And refuse to discuss any further. It's not like you're refusing to see her at all.

@ilovesooty

No and I have no intention of. My mother would rather be dead than in a home and if she gets to the point where she no longer wants to suffer with her disabilities, that is her choice and as far as I'm concerned her right to choose. If there was a legal way of achieving that, it would be different.

This is not something she is doing out of lack of capacity or depression . She's been very clear about it all her adult life (Arthritis like this affects all the women on her side of the family so we knew it was coming). If she gets to the point where, to quote, "I need someone to wipe my arse and feed me" she'd rather not be here.

Who and I to report her and stop her? In fact, she's made me promise that if it comes over her suddenly and she's unable to reach the stash herself, to "accidentally" leave them within arms reach and she'll make sure I'm the other end of the country when she does it after saying our goodbyes

My mum has my nan couple times a year and she moves bed downstairs into a dining room and has bought some helpfuL aides which she keeps in the garage when she isn't there
Has her for a week normally

You can get special feet for your sofa which raises it up to a more manageable height. They're easy to remove when not needed. This could help.

@Cerebelle it's a controlled drug and stockpiling simply shouldn't be happening.

I believe in people being able to make their own choices but the GP's prescribing is obviously lax. If it becomes known in any way that these drugs are in her house she's also at grave risk of burglary or worse.

Its also not really possible to add a rail to the bottom part which would completely ruin the decor and I don't see why I should have to for 2 weeks a year.

I do think this bit is a bit crap of you. I mean I sympathise with the rest, but you could put up a rail and take it down again if it bothers you that much.

Can you borrow an upright chair/ garden chair/ go to IKEA for one/ rent one from the Red Cross?

Wrt getting up,if she has the Zimmer in front of her and you hold it steady and use your foot on it could she get up easier?

She sounds desperate for a change of scene , I'd try everything to make it work.

@category12

Because its not possible without leaving bloody big holes in the wall. If this was the ONLY issue, then I might - I even suggested it a year or so ago.

BUT its not the only issue

@FatCatThinCat

Our Sofas are all electric recliners - you can't just put feet on them to make them higher,

IME GPs are giving out liquid morphine like bottles of squash, I have 2 carrier bags full of bottled of the stuff. All prescribed over the phone, anything rather than actually see a patient

You can also get electric seat lifts which are basically a cushion that you sit on that lifts and tilts when you want to get up.

[quote ilovesooty]@Cerebelle it's a controlled drug and stockpiling simply shouldn't be happening.

I believe in people being able to make their own choices but the GP's prescribing is obviously lax. If it becomes known in any way that these drugs are in her house she's also at grave risk of burglary or worse.[/quote]
Lots of people use morphine for arthritis and lupus type pain. They may not need to take it all day long round the clock in the way it’s often prescribed, they may just need to take it as and when. However if they communicate this to their GP etc the GP will often think the drug is not needed and will either stop the prescription completely or reduce the amount, which means if people suddenly have a flare they find themselves short. For this reason many people (like myself) have quite a lot in stock. And that means we can manage - it’s really very normal in our health circles. It may not be right but it’s a way of coping. (With me the prescribed drug is tramadol - I am prescribed up to 8 a day and I usually only take 1/2).

Anyway. That is besides the point.

You sound like you’re angry with your Mum. Like she’s hard work and you don’t want the hassle.
And who can blame you. I felt the same way about my own Mum, but we didn’t have a good relationship at all and I just felt with my own health issues that I couldn’t cope with hers as well - especially as like your Mum she didn’t want to do much to help herself in many ways! I think you just need to be really, really honest with her.

@MrsPelligrinoPetrichor

IME GPs are giving out liquid morphine like bottles of squash, I have 2 carrier bags full of bottled of the stuff. All prescribed over the phone, anything rather than actually see a patient

GPs doing that need to be reported.

Anyway, it's not the point of the thread so I won't divert it again.

I think OP you really have no choice but to tell her she can no longer visit. It simply isn't feasible.

OP, I absolutely feel for you and have tons of sympathy for your situation. Your mother sounds very similar to my mother in law - stubborn, uncooperative, extremely poor health but no interest in solutions that might make life easier. It's bloody draining and frustrating.

It sounds like you have been very accommodating but it's clear that her staying with you just will not work. I know this is easier said than done, but you have to say no firmly but kindly, and then stick to it. It's all very well for others to say 'oh it's only a few days' or whatever, but her past visits sound extremely draining and like they had a huge negative impact on your life. It sounds like you're asking for permission from someone to put a stop to them. I think you're being perfectly reasonable in deciding that her visiting your home just won't work anymore