How to convince my disabled mother she's not capable of visiting my house.....

[Rabblesthecat]

My 77 year old DM is disabled through arthritis. She has two false hips, a false knee (which has collapsed) and needs her other knee replaced. She also has a fused spine. I'm an only child and my dad is dead.

I've always been more than happy to have her come to visit mine for a week or so - I live about 5 hours away. Even though she drives, I'll go up and get her and drive her down (doesn't do long journeys anymore) and then drive her home afterwards. This tends to be once a year.

Last year was a complete disaster but it was blamed on the fact that the week before she'd fallen down a few steps and was black and blue. I've just spent a week at hers and there is no way she will cope.

1. She won't be able to get up off the sofas on her own. At home she has a rising recliner which stands her up. When we went out for a meal the only way she could stand up was to hang onto the tables in front of her to haul herself up out of the seat. There is nothing like that in front of our sofas so she will be dependent on me or DH being there to help her up which is not that easy as she's not a small woman.

1. She can't do the bottom section of our stairs which is a curve and only has a rail on one side. once on the "straight" she's ok and can manage without her stair lift but the first 3-4 steps is not possible. Its also not really possible to add a rail to the bottom part which would completely ruin the decor and I don't see why I should have to for 2 weeks a year.

So last year the visits went like this:

She gets up about 4am when she goes to the toilet as its too much like hard work for her to get back in bed and goes to sit on the sofas downstairs. She stays here until her water tablets start working. Once they do, we have to get her out of the sofa pretty quickly or she pees herself. Then she goes upstairs, again with our help until her water tablets have finished working. This is now around lunch time.

In the past she would have taken herself out for a drive somewhere etc but she doesn't really do that anymore - she sits on the sofa and sleeps (whilst denying she's sleeping) due to taking morphine.

Because she can't get up herself, everything she wants we have to get her.

Then we have dinner and she's sit down after dinner and again sleep all evening - waking up about 9pm with a second wind. DH and I then can't go to bed until she's ready because she can't get up the stairs on her own. Due to the sleeping, this happens at 11pm at the earliest.

I'm WFH and on conference calls from 7am onwards and all this is going on whilst trying to work. The last time she was down I was exhausted by day 3.

I don't mind having her visit but I honestly do not see the point in the amount of discomfort she's in and the stress I feel, just to watch her sleep all afternoon and evening.

I tried suggesting to her that she might not able to cope, and I just get "I'll manage, I'll be fine". She is the most stubborn woman I have ever met and she's always right, is never wrong. Even when proven wrong, she's not.

My uncle agrees with me (he sees her every week) and that she's not well enough. So he's going to try to convince her.

AS an aside, she has no respect for our furniture or decor and will just throw her sticks down, not bothering about what they may crash against in the process! She bangs our dining chairs with her sticks to move them into position rather than ask - one of them has chips on the legs due to it. We've asked her not to but apparently its not a problem as the sticks have rubber on them. The chips on them were not apparently caused by her but must have been us. WE have no kids or pets.......

I'm more than happy to go visit her more often than I have been (work and covid) but she seems intent on coming down to us. I can see me driving 10 hours to hers and back, to get to bring her down for a couple of days just to prove to her she can't manage - and then 10 hours round trip to return her! And that's if she admits she can't manage.

I don't want to upset her or hurt her but I REALLY don't think she can cope being at ours. I just don't know how to go about it without causing a world war!

If money really isn't a problem (unlikely I know!) might it be worth thinking about a nearby guesthouse plus a carer? That could give her less scope for trying to ignore the carer and get you to help...?

The only way you can win an argument with a person like that (super stubborn/never wrong etc) is not to argue in the first place.

Trust me, the only way you can avoid any war or upset is to just say no and change the subject. Refuse to discuss it, refuse to engage. It's hard until you practice it a bit, especially with someone you love but it really is the only way. People like that can't be reasoned with and any attempt to explain will end up with arguments and ultimately more upset.

I've got wallpaper that is no longer made, so if it's scratched the lot would have to be done. I only wish I had a marble table!

Can't you accommodate your own mum for a week?
Take some time off work and make it work. She's your mum!! It's one week.
Sounds like she has a tough enough tums as it is and change of scene might just be the lift she needs.

I hate that people are blaming OP. It’s the mums fault she’s being a typical stubborn old lady sorry. My mums just the same and set in her ways. Can’t please her or do anything to change it.

I think you have to be firm in order to be kind. I am deliberately not using the word cruel, because in my opinion, real cruelty would be agreeing this charade at the risk of injury to you and/or your DM.

As it happens, I have a lot of empathy for your situation having agreed that MIL could move in temporarily due to Covid loneliness last autumn. Unfortunately she developed serious health problems within weeks and we have ended up as carers to a stubborn woman with hopelessly unrealistic expectations. It has affected our whole family and essentially means DH or I have to be at home with her 24/7, preventing all other family activities.

If only I knew then what I know now and all that...

If she cannot get off the sofa without you or DH then she can't come. It is that simple. You are at risk of hurting your back. She is at risk of falling and breaking a bone. The only alternative option would be to pay carers, possibly two at a time who are trained to help her get up, but most agencies would ask to complete an assessment first to see if they can meet her needs. If they weren't able to help once she is in situ, you could be stuck.

Saying know will be hard, but it's what you need to do.

Saying no, obviously.

Omg what a read !

Ditto to previous remark - just say no ! Obviously !

I think it's absolutely fine to say no. You said you are happy to go there so it's not like you are refusing to see her. No one has the right to insist accommodation at someone else's house! Especially when it's really hard work like this. And the people suggesting you destroy your home to accommodate a visit bonkers.

You lost me at "Its also not really possible to add a rail to the bottom part which would completely ruin the decor and I don't see why I should have to for 2 weeks a year". A bit cold, no?

It would be best if you weren't trying to convince your mother that she isn't 'capable' of visiting your house when, plainly, it's you who isn't capable of meeting her needs when she visits. Why are you blaming her? It sounds like you're suggesting that you'd have her if only she did being disabled better . Some families could/would take on the task; you can't/don't want to. Why not take responsibility for that and be straight with her?

Why not have her over for one week and take it off work? Accept you are going to spend a lot of that week reading/crafting/pottering in the house while your elderly Mum sleeps, but be on hand to help her when she needs it and spend time with her while she is awake.

If you aren’t working, you could also have an afternoon nap which will make that late night easier.

OP let's be honest. It's bot your mother who can't cope, it's you. You are putting up barriers at every turn.
There are some cold hated people on this thread. It's one bloody week she wants to come and stay, to see her dd and probably get a change of scene. Cant imagine she's having a brilliant life.
Put a rail on the bottom part of your stairs. Hire a chair, or buy a chair (because you saying you can't "justify" spending that money for a week, makes it sound like you can afford it, just don't want too). Take a week off work. If you wanted your mum to stay, you would make it work for her.

I think the simple message to give and relentlessly repeat is that she wouldn’t be safe in your home and you now work from home so there isn’t any space to accommodate her.
Blame Covid changing everything. Life has changed for most of us now.
You can’t be forced to go and get her, so you have to make it clear that it isn’t an option any more. Keep repeating this until she realises you mean it and stay firm in your resolve.
Reading between the lines it seems you have long standing issues with her and I sympathise and understand why you aren’t willing to make compromises that other posters have suggested.
So the simple and straightforward solution is to explain the situation in your home to her to make her understand that she will now never be able to visit and involve her in thinking of alternative ways you can both visit each other, wherever and how frequently that may be.

To anyone who says op doesn't care etc..please don't.
I speak from experience, have elderly df with problems like ops Dm and more .It's hell ,he won't do as Dr etc says ,Dm enables him and I'm made to feel guilty for not wanting to help .
I'm made out to be evil ,uncaring by family friends ,outsiders and others .they only see the nice side of my parents, they didn't and don't get the abuse for last 40 + years .
I've stopped completely and told them others in family can help or get carers.
I wish more than anything I had had nice caring parents ,I didn't and they've got worse as aged .
So op stand your ground

Well said sonofabiscuit. It's very easy to say 'oh but it's your mum' etc, but some older people are bloody exhausting, draining and downright unpleasant to be around

@Lottapianos

Well said sonofabiscuit. It's very easy to say 'oh but it's your mum' etc, but some older people are bloody exhausting, draining and downright unpleasant to be around

Yep, that's fair enough.

But that's not about the wallpaper and marble dining room tables and whatever other million obstacles she can throw up, it's about just not wanting to put herself through it.

Seeing as how there are so many daft suggestions here Op tantamount to demolishing your home for occasional visits (and then reinstating when your mother leaves), you need to move, or buy next door, and put an adjoining door so she has an adapted house for her visits.

Problem solved.

I don't think it seems not caring towards her mum, as long as OP offers to do something nice instead. The whole trip sounds highly unsuitable to someone who has a lot of health problems including a very bad back, starting with the long car journey, unsuitable house where she needs help all the time and can't be independent and coming at a time OP and her DH are working. The mum herself would actually be more likely to enjoy herself if they planned to visit her and go for day trips and out for meals. Without the long journey she would be less tired and in pain and more able to enjoy these outings. Plus having the full attention of OP and family rather than them being busy working.
I do think if they don't arrange an alternative to her visit that might be seen as not very caring. I know her mum sounds like a very difficult person, but I may excuse a bit of that on the grounds of her poor health. Not everything can be excused because of that, but certainly I would be more tolerant and try to do something nice for her instead of her visit.

I would just be honest and tell her it's to much pressure for you and you'd rather go to hers and stay when you have visits.
Honesty is the best policy with this one, she can't insist if she knows your not coping to well with her coming and staying.

'it's about just not wanting to put herself through it.'

Yes, and I don't blame her one bit. There are good solid reasons why her mum visiting is no longer viable, she's not just been pulling excuses out of the air

Thanks everyone

I’ve just spent a week with my mother at hers. First time since December but that was lockdown and everything else.

I normally go up 4-5 times a year for long weekends.

I think I’m going to have to go with the stick record approach. I’ll ask her if she really thinks she can get up on her own first and if she won’t admit it, I’ll go with being stuck on no.

When I go up she never wants to go out for more than a few hours as she finds that exhausting!

I know DH doesn’t like going to see her because of all her issues and the constant sleeping. So it’s normally me on my own

Good luck OP. Stand firm

I hugely hope I don't turn into a stubborn person who creates the types of problems OP describes for my kids.

Can't help thinking you might have done better to post in Elderly Parents...

It gets really hard when you have to be the one who says no. Can't help wondering if perhaps she might secretly want you to. So she's not incapable or giving up, it's you restricting her.

I would try not to feel anything but tranquil about this. It's a long time since my father in law visited because the drive is too far for him; I have to be honest, I take a home cooked meal over to his and we eat there because that works for both of us. I'm not going to go and get him in order to spend six hours of my weekend simply travelling so he can be awkwardly uncomfortable in my house. If he tells his friends that he never gets to visit me, well, thats true and he's free to say it.

I got a 2nd hand electric lifter chair (the one off the daytime TV ads) for £80 from a charity furniture shop. Quick steam clean and it's been amazing for about 5 years! Worth a mooch around.