How to convince my disabled mother she's not capable of visiting my house.....

[Rabblesthecat]

My 77 year old DM is disabled through arthritis. She has two false hips, a false knee (which has collapsed) and needs her other knee replaced. She also has a fused spine. I'm an only child and my dad is dead.

I've always been more than happy to have her come to visit mine for a week or so - I live about 5 hours away. Even though she drives, I'll go up and get her and drive her down (doesn't do long journeys anymore) and then drive her home afterwards. This tends to be once a year.

Last year was a complete disaster but it was blamed on the fact that the week before she'd fallen down a few steps and was black and blue. I've just spent a week at hers and there is no way she will cope.

1. She won't be able to get up off the sofas on her own. At home she has a rising recliner which stands her up. When we went out for a meal the only way she could stand up was to hang onto the tables in front of her to haul herself up out of the seat. There is nothing like that in front of our sofas so she will be dependent on me or DH being there to help her up which is not that easy as she's not a small woman.

1. She can't do the bottom section of our stairs which is a curve and only has a rail on one side. once on the "straight" she's ok and can manage without her stair lift but the first 3-4 steps is not possible. Its also not really possible to add a rail to the bottom part which would completely ruin the decor and I don't see why I should have to for 2 weeks a year.

So last year the visits went like this:

She gets up about 4am when she goes to the toilet as its too much like hard work for her to get back in bed and goes to sit on the sofas downstairs. She stays here until her water tablets start working. Once they do, we have to get her out of the sofa pretty quickly or she pees herself. Then she goes upstairs, again with our help until her water tablets have finished working. This is now around lunch time.

In the past she would have taken herself out for a drive somewhere etc but she doesn't really do that anymore - she sits on the sofa and sleeps (whilst denying she's sleeping) due to taking morphine.

Because she can't get up herself, everything she wants we have to get her.

Then we have dinner and she's sit down after dinner and again sleep all evening - waking up about 9pm with a second wind. DH and I then can't go to bed until she's ready because she can't get up the stairs on her own. Due to the sleeping, this happens at 11pm at the earliest.

I'm WFH and on conference calls from 7am onwards and all this is going on whilst trying to work. The last time she was down I was exhausted by day 3.

I don't mind having her visit but I honestly do not see the point in the amount of discomfort she's in and the stress I feel, just to watch her sleep all afternoon and evening.

I tried suggesting to her that she might not able to cope, and I just get "I'll manage, I'll be fine". She is the most stubborn woman I have ever met and she's always right, is never wrong. Even when proven wrong, she's not.

My uncle agrees with me (he sees her every week) and that she's not well enough. So he's going to try to convince her.

AS an aside, she has no respect for our furniture or decor and will just throw her sticks down, not bothering about what they may crash against in the process! She bangs our dining chairs with her sticks to move them into position rather than ask - one of them has chips on the legs due to it. We've asked her not to but apparently its not a problem as the sticks have rubber on them. The chips on them were not apparently caused by her but must have been us. WE have no kids or pets.......

I'm more than happy to go visit her more often than I have been (work and covid) but she seems intent on coming down to us. I can see me driving 10 hours to hers and back, to get to bring her down for a couple of days just to prove to her she can't manage - and then 10 hours round trip to return her! And that's if she admits she can't manage.

I don't want to upset her or hurt her but I REALLY don't think she can cope being at ours. I just don't know how to go about it without causing a world war!

Are booster cushions any good ? Can you contact an OT?

Of course she doesn't want to use a commode. Nobody wants to use a commode. I can't believe people would even think that.
If you have two reception rooms, a living room and a dining room, couldn't you make the dining room into a temporary bedroom? Put the chairs in the spare bedroom and take the table apart.

GPs doing that need to be reported They have been.

You can also get special support bars which provide a stable thing to grab to get yourself up. They're free standing, take up hardly any space and can be tucked away when not in use.

BTW, you and your DH having to haul a large immobile woman up and down several times a day is not good for your health either. I have visions of her falling on the stairs and crashing onto you, which is why I say it's not practical any more. You have to look after your own health in all of this too.

That's what polyfilla is for. Like I said, I sympathise with the rest.

I just think you're going to have to be very honest with her and say "look mum, we have a couple of options if you want to stay
a. commode and whatever else
b. a carer in to help out in the morning and bedtime
c. you don't come and I just visit again [whenever]
because otherwise it's just not going to work."

Just tell her you think it's getting too much and stick to your guns like glue. Say you think it would be a lot nicer if you visited her when you actually have some time off as no long tiring journey for her, it's more comfortable for her in her own home and you can spend some time together and maybe do some outings rather than be busy working from home. She still might not like it but she will probably come round eventually.

@FatCatThinCat

You can get special feet for your sofa which raises it up to a more manageable height. They're easy to remove when not needed. This could help.

These are great. They have them in my local spinal unit for people to get up from with putting pressure on their back. Depends on the type of settee though. Have you looked online for aids. You might even find things that will be useful for her in her own home.

Sell her different ideas...
'it would really help me out if we could stay at a hotel for a change'
'shall we have a break at such and such hotel?'
Are you able to take time off work? Could you manage short breaks twice a year rather than one long one?

@Rabblesthecat probably better to ask MNHQ to delete the posts where you mention the stash and what your mum would want to do if things got worse suddenly. I completely understand and empathise - just considering if worst came to worst, you know.

For the stairs you can get blocks called stair blocks which temporarily half the height of the steps.

@Getafuckingdogwalker

I don’t understand what’s so bad though about her visits?

She dozes off a lot, needs help getting up and getting up the stairs? Am I missing something?

The later bedtime is the only thing I would say sounds actually bothersome and I think you’d have to say you need to go up by 10 (or whenever) and make that a condition of her visiting but otherwise she doesn’t sound much trouble. I’d love to tuck my mum up on the sofa with a pot of tea when she’s 77!

I agree. If you were living like this on a daily basis Op I would say fair enough and I don't deny it is difficult, but your mum is, staying with you for just TWO weeks a YEAR. Can you just not help her up the stairs etc for those 2 weeks? As you barely see her, do you think if you saw her more, maybe once every 3 months she would possibly be less demanding ?

You simply say
"Mum, while it is nice to see you, having you to stay in my home is no longer going to be possible as it is now my work space too, not just my home any more"
Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Mum - Sure I'm no bother, I just sit on the couch
You - Sorry Mum, even that isn't possible any more as you can't manage our stairs to get up/down from your bedroom to the bathroom and lounge. It's just not possible.
Mum - I'll stay in the bedroom
You - Sorry Mum, once you take your medication we have to keep you sitting up and such and as I'm now working from home I can't drop my scheduled work meetings to help you to the bathroom in time so that isn't a runner either. It's just not possible.

You will have to get some sort of care package sorted I'd imagine before too long where she has medical staff visit her at her home and look after her.

You'll have to go like a broken record.

@category12
Pollyfilla doesn’t work for wallpapered walls and the one we have is out of print now so we can’t replace the paper without redecorating the entire hall, landing and stairs

@Haywirecity

The dining table is solid marble and would require me to take the patio windows out to get it out of the house (it’s how we got it in). If we did, we then have no where to eat and my mother likes to eat of a table (she can’t manage a tray)

I think you have to be like a stuck record. My parents no longer visit me. It's much better for me to take time off work and go and stay with them. I can then do jobs around the house and take them out and about.

Could you frame it like that? That you'd like to spend time with her rather than just squeezing her in around work commitments. I mean having any kind of guest when you're working full time is a bit hopeless. One with a disability is just a non starter.

A marble table. That makes it easier really. It could go outside and you could cover it over. It's not going to come to any harm outside. Then could you borrow or buy a dropleaf dining table, where both ends fall down and it looks like a side table. You could just get it out for meals. They're sturdy so she wouldn't pull it over. You can get them for about £75.

Seriously, you have a solid marble table and irreplaceable wallpaper?

Your mother isn't suddenly going to become reasonable/amenable -you say she's very stubborn and 'always right', so it's unlikely you will convince her.

I suspect she is very reluctant to acknowledge how much her health has deteriorated and doesn't want to admit it prevents her doing something she used to be able to do. So focussing on that aspect - telling her she wouldn't cope - may not be the best idea. She'll just insist she'll cope.

It may help to frame it differently - e.g. that at home you cannot get away from work so you'd rather visit her (or whatever other excuse might work). I think you would still have to be prepared to stand your ground but you might meet less resistance.

Oh sorry, I read you post that you took the table out the patio windows, but you actually took the window out. So no, that wouldn't work. Does it take up the whole room or could you push it aside to leave room for her bed?

Or, even though you're trying to be accommodating, do you really not want her to come? Think of your favourite person, someone you know or a famous person you'd just die to meet. If they had your mums limitations, would you make it work for them or would you say, no sorry, it can't be done. And then I guess that's the answer to your dilemma.

@category12

Seriously, you have a solid marble table and irreplaceable wallpaper?

What's wrong with either?

Or, could you make it work for a million pounds?

Could you compromise and meet mid-way? There are some really nice holiday cottages near us that are adapted for disabled visitors.

@LoislovesStewie

category12
Seriously, you have a solid marble table and irreplaceable wallpaper?

What's wrong with either?

It sort of feels like the op is coming up with reasons not to have her mum to stay. That might be unreasonable and irs just that the op has already thought of all these suggestions,and has dismissed them as impractical. But my feeling is the op is looking for confirmation not to have her mother rather than looking for solutions. Which is fine. None of my business. Its the ops choice.

Would it not be possible to take some time off work when she visits as it is only once a year. Giving you more time to spend with her (and caring for her) and leaving you less exhausted than struggling to do both. I also think looking at ways to help her be more mobile in your home, such as the cushion lift that someone suggested could help a little.

I sympathise, and agree with PPs who are advising you to hold firm and Just Say No.
My father hasn't visited since before covid (I'm a short flight away) and is very very keen to come back and visit, but I live in an attic and he's accepted that it's best for him to stay in a more accessible guesthouse nearby.
How much of a problem is the money? If she keeps on about it, might it be worth trying again to say that the only way in which she can come to stay is if she is looked after by a carer? It's then up to her to say whether she would prefer not to come at all.
And if she does come, and you engage a carer, and she's difficult with them, can you have a backup plan B where you just put her in the car and drive her home again?