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Original poster

How would you interpret this?

84 replies

JustAnotherManicGrungeDay · 02/09/2021 01:07

I have a shit relationship history. Virtually non existent.

I went out for the evening recently with someone I've known on and off for a very long time. We had a really lovely evening - it was a lot of fun and we laughed loads. He is obviously attracted to me and has made it clear a few times previously.

We had a few drinks and were walking down the road holding hands. We were talking about dating and he said "I'm not interested in Instagram perfection. I've had that and it just doesn't interest me. I'd rather be with someone I can have fun with and who I can have a laugh with and just get on really well with. When I see a 'perfect woman' I just find it boring now. It holds no interest for me."

At the end of the night he told me that the evening had been really good fun and he'd really enjoyed it.

I'm not really interesting in analysing whether or not he likes me because my question is quite specific.

I've had a lot of experiences in the past where men have been critical of my appearance. Maybe not initially but somewhere down the line, the fact I'm not slim and toned with a flat stomach and smooth thighs has been a problem.

Does it sound like a genuine comment on his part or is he doing the same?

OP posts:
Anordinarymum · 02/09/2021 01:12

Perhaps he means he is not interested in women who try to achieve perfection with make-up and clothes. Perhaps he wants someone he can get on with and enjoy their company more than they way they look?

messybun101 · 02/09/2021 01:15

@Anordinarymum

Perhaps he means he is not interested in women who try to achieve perfection with make-up and clothes. Perhaps he wants someone he can get on with and enjoy their company more than they way they look?
This is how I read it. 'Instagram perfection' type. Lifestyle, looks, showing off is how I'd interpret someone putting perfect abs Instagram in the same sentence/conversation context
Crunched · 02/09/2021 01:17

I would take to mean he wants a woman who is actually enjoying living her life, not constantly with a phone in her hand trying to capture perfect moments to broadcast accross social media.

HerNameIsIncontinentiaButtocks · 02/09/2021 01:19

He's disinterested in fakeness.

Original poster
JustAnotherManicGrungeDay · 02/09/2021 01:21

OK. So not a negging type comments then?

He is very good looking. He's the sort of man women are drawn too. He could have his pick really and probably has done in the past!

I'm not expecting anything to come of it. I just wanted to know if I should take the comment as a positive or not.

OP posts:
HerNameIsIncontinentiaButtocks · 02/09/2021 02:09

Positive. Angling for you, even. Spending the night holding hands, 'obviously' attracted to you, but you're not expecting anything to come of it? If you aren't interested you should let him know as a courtesy.

Original poster
JustAnotherManicGrungeDay · 02/09/2021 02:15

Oh I would definitely be interested. Just don't think now is the right time for reasons that aren't important but known by both of us.

I just needed to know whether it was a positive comment or an indication that he would also criticise me later Smile

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 02/09/2021 02:16

I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t be thrilled. Why mention it at all!!!
But you say he’s obviously attracted to you, so ….

WhoIsPepeSilva · 02/09/2021 02:58

I've been with people who are outwardly "attractive" and we painted a beautiful superficial picture together but now that's not important to me - subtext, you don't fit the picture perfect image, i.e are "less attractive", but just to let you know I'm cool with it.

Oh and a nice wee poke at women he no longer finds acceptable anymore for good measure. Those perfect women he finds so boring now? Ah yes because all those perfect women are carbon copies and are not endowed with individual personalities, it's no wonder they are boring. He notices them of course but you should know that because of their perfection they are deemed boring and therefore not a threat. So it's cool if he looks... He's just thinking how vapid they are Hmm

No that would put me off instantly, it's either the above negging approach or he's got an inflated ego and was ok with the instagram level of superficiality in relationships.

Such a backhander smacking of his lowering his standards for a better "quality" woman. Not a pleasant trait.

There's a reason it gave you misgivings so well done for listening to your gut feelings.

Aquamarine1029 · 02/09/2021 03:25

Personally, my eyes would have rolled so hard they'd still be stuck. What a twat.

Monty27 · 02/09/2021 03:25

He's telling you he thinks you're wonderful 🙂

RantyAunty · 02/09/2021 03:49

Have you discussed your previous experiences with how men have treated you with him?

MrsSith · 02/09/2021 03:56

I would personally take it as negging.

However, when placed into context of holding hands and having spent a nice evening together- I think the Poster above is right- he means well and is angling for you.

Palsy · 02/09/2021 04:11

When I see a 'perfect woman' I just find it boring now. It holds no interest for me

Another vote for 'twat'.

Lightlady · 02/09/2021 04:25

Yea I would t like it . He is trying to put it across as a compliment but basically saying I’d feel he was saying to me ‘ hey you don’t look perfect like some women but don’t worry I’ve changed my standards and I find them boring now … lucky you huh ‘
Seems he’s really caught up in this whole measuring women’s worth on their appearance being the reality but letting you know he’s rising above it because he’s better than that !
Massive alarm bells

57Jan · 02/09/2021 04:47

Hello
i'm 64 and id say he's a keeper! and if he does Ever criticise ,give sniddy remarks about your looks etc be firm right from the off and say to yourself or out load I'm happy with me as I am thank you.

Veronika13 · 02/09/2021 04:52

'I've had perfect women and now I prefer someone more average, like you'
Sounds like settling. I wouldn't be thrilled to be compared to an average woman. Id want a man to be really smitten with me at least at the beginning.

What kind of compliment it is, anyway?
Imagine being told 'they'd rather go out with you than a stunning woman'.... errr thanks? 🤨

Hekatestorch · 02/09/2021 05:18

That's quite difficult, because I completely understand why you think what you do you.

But, to me he wasn't really talking about just looks. 'Instagram perfection' isn't just about how someone looks. It's the whole fake lifestyle. Every post planned to show a perfect life, filtered and edited to the point its not a reflection of real life. And the real life behind it is usually pretty different.

The words 'perfect woman', with the rest of the conversation, I don't think wasn't just about looks. I think he meant he has had girlfriends who on the face of it, seem perfect to everyone else and on social media, but a life based around 'appearing perfect' all the time just wasn't for him.

I know a good few 'influencers' and it really takes it toll. Their whole lives can be based around getting the right shot or right video, to matches their brand. Some don't ever switch off and portraying a perfect life often comes at the expense of an actual happy life.

He could have meant he just wants a relationship that's real, not perfect, but happy and real.

If I said, I wasn't looking for Instagram perfection, that's what I would mean. That it's more about the actual relationship being good, not what it appears to be from the outside. It wouldn't be about looks.

But, it really depends on what sort of person he is. I would say, that if you get anymore hints of 'well I thought settling for you is a better idea' then get rid.

RelapsedChocoholic · 02/09/2021 07:28

Backhanded compliment aside- were you also comparing men and expressing your dislike of a specific behaviour?

If not, why did he feel the need to make this statement?

I would take it as negative- it’s akin to ‘you’re not like other girls’ / ‘I prefer less make up’ etc to me…Didn’t ask, don’t care- women are not competition, he is not the prize.

Bluntness100 · 02/09/2021 07:34

Yeah I’m also not sure and honestly i can’t work out why someone interprets that as he is saying you are wonderful. Personally I think it’s a bit of a put down, and quite frankly you can be “perfect” and a good laugh/enjoy life, the two are not mutually exclusive.

However it could be a clumsy comment but I’d keep it in the back of my mind. In my experience blokes who say they aren’t perfect are off when the first woman they perceive to be perfect looks their way.

On the other hand why you going on dates and holding his hand if you don’t think the time is right? And you are over analysing it. Which makes me think you’re doing the self protective “not bovvered” thing when you’re totally bothered.

layladomino · 02/09/2021 07:47

It came across to me as not just about looks, but he was saying he isn't interested in that insta lifestyle. As in 'perfect' (not really) - but always striving for the perfect photo to share with the world. Obsessed with nails / eyebrows / hair to the detriment of personality, intelligence, humour.

That way of life tends to be very boring to those around them, and many would agree with his views (M and F)

MyOtherProfile · 02/09/2021 08:02

I think he was saying I know you're not glossy high maintenance Instagram ready but I really like you how you are and I've had enough of the other to know it's not worth anything.

Give it a go. Sounds like he and you are both keen. I know you don't expect anything to come of it but it just might work out long term. Worth a go without always looking for the end.

66babe · 02/09/2021 08:14

I would take that comment as a positive
What he's saying is - I like you for you
You are not such high maintenance that I may not recognise you in the morning
There is more to life and love than fake ness

Nothing wrong with us all male and female looking after ourselves and some personal grooming but when the insta likes rating means more than a good old trip to a wind blown beach scene where you can actually see the salt on the tip of your nose and your hair looks you had a really good session then the balance is wrong ..

Original poster
JustAnotherManicGrungeDay · 02/09/2021 08:20

An interesting range of responses!

I don't know if this makes a difference but when I first knew him I was 8 stone (and a lot younger!) and he was interested then. I bumped into him a several years ago and he showed he was still interested but I was in a tough place at the time. I was also 12 stone and because of my previous experiences with men commenting negatively, didn't even consider dating anyone. I'm now 10 stone (I'm only 5'3 but not a 'petite' frame) and a bit self conscious. I've known him for a long time and wasn't expecting anything to come of it so did something I never normally do and just made a light hearted reference to the fact I've got more padding than I'm comfortable with/used to have currently - slightly self deprecating rather than critical. At that point, he hugged me, gave me a quick kiss, smiled and said come on, let's go and get a drink.

The comment he made was much later after that. I didn't say anything about my previous dating experiences or things men have said and I wouldn't.

I'm attractive but I'm never going to meet current beauty standards (nor do I want to) and I've dated plenty of men who were bothered that I'm not 'Instagram perfect' even ones who were 10 years older than me and definitely no oil paintings themselves.

At the time, I took it as him saying he wasn't just interested in looks and that he wants someone he can get on well and have fun with too and not (just) someone who looks good on his arm. He didn't say the women were boring more that the 'look' is boring - perfect hair, perfect make up, perfect bodies... I'm not like that and have no desire to be. I'd rather trundle around in my dms with a pint in my hand than worry about whether my make up is perfect.

As for 'settling'. He wouldn't need to settle. He's a good looking, confident and successful man - the type I avoid at all costs normally tbh. But maybe I need to change what I always do...

One thing that did stand out to me was that he didn't 'double take' at any other women all evening. He struck up a conversation with the waitress about something at dinner and there was nothing flirtatious in his words, body language or tone at all. The last man I dated seemed to be trying to flatter or flirt with every attractive woman we encountered either by trying to catch their eye or in the way he smiled/spoke to them. It was all done to convey 'interest' and admiration to see what their response would be. And he would often make reference to 'tiny' or '7 stone' women. I ended up feeling there was an implied criticism of me in everything he said and that he felt being with me reflected badly on him (very fragile ego!) Yet every time I looked at this man he was looking at me and smiling.

I have no idea if it's just the way he is (good manners) or whether it might eventually lead somewhere but it just felt nice to feel he enjoyed being with me and wasn't constantly on the look out for better.

It felt like he was trying to reassure me in what he said but because of all the crappy experiences I've had i had to check.

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 02/09/2021 08:29

I think he was trying to reassure you. It sounds like you get on really well and he sounds like a genuinely nice man!