How would you interpret this?

[JustAnotherManicGrungeDay]

I have a shit relationship history. Virtually non existent.

I went out for the evening recently with someone I've known on and off for a very long time. We had a really lovely evening - it was a lot of fun and we laughed loads. He is obviously attracted to me and has made it clear a few times previously.

We had a few drinks and were walking down the road holding hands. We were talking about dating and he said "I'm not interested in Instagram perfection. I've had that and it just doesn't interest me. I'd rather be with someone I can have fun with and who I can have a laugh with and just get on really well with. When I see a 'perfect woman' I just find it boring now. It holds no interest for me."

At the end of the night he told me that the evening had been really good fun and he'd really enjoyed it.

I'm not really interesting in analysing whether or not he likes me because my question is quite specific.

I've had a lot of experiences in the past where men have been critical of my appearance. Maybe not initially but somewhere down the line, the fact I'm not slim and toned with a flat stomach and smooth thighs has been a problem.

Does it sound like a genuine comment on his part or is he doing the same?

On the other hand why you going on dates and holding his hand if you don’t think the time is right?

We've known each other for a very long time and there's always been a mutual attraction. But contact has been sporadic over the years.

It wasn't arranged as a date just two old friends catching up. Holding hands just happened and felt quite natural tbh.

Im very cautious though. If something comes of it at any point then it does if not then so be it.

Tbh, whatever happens with him the evening made me realise that there has been a gentle but steady erosion to my standards over the years and that I really do deserve better than I've had.

I would take that he doesn't want to be doing social media worthy activities and posting about them, basically posing - he wants a relationship with integrity

I think you have to watch and observe the complete picture over the coming days/weeks. Old saying is that actions speak louder than words... How does he treat you rather than the words he chooses... How does he treat other women in his life like family, friends etc. How does he treat women he comes across like waitresses, etc.
People can be clumsy with words, especially these days can be trying too hard to get it 'right', but observation of actions always works for me...

He treats other people impeccably. As I said he struck up a conversation with the waitress about something specific he'd observed about her. It was entirely appropriate and respectful.

He's very close to both his parents who always struck me as very decent people whenever I met them.

But yes, I'll look to see how he treats me generally as we go forward.

I wouldn't like it quite honestly, he should be making you feel like the most beautiful woman in his eyes. I think it's a bit of negging, why boast and tell a woman you're with you've had perfection before, it's just not on to try and rub that in. I don't really believe him anyway, insta perfect is very different to real life when the woman doesn't have make up and hair done and filters, does he mean he's just spoken to them I wonder! Plus they are just people with personalities too, are they really not able to have a laugh? it's rubbish.
Neggers are quite often wonderful to everyone around them but you, trying to put you down so you're grateful for his attention and has insecurities about himself.

@WhoIsPepeSilva

I've been with people who are outwardly "attractive" and we painted a beautiful superficial picture together but now that's not important to me - subtext, you don't fit the picture perfect image, i.e are "less attractive", but just to let you know I'm cool with it.

Oh and a nice wee poke at women he no longer finds acceptable anymore for good measure. Those perfect women he finds so boring now? Ah yes because all those perfect women are carbon copies and are not endowed with individual personalities, it's no wonder they are boring. He notices them of course but you should know that because of their perfection they are deemed boring and therefore not a threat. So it's cool if he looks... He's just thinking how vapid they are

No that would put me off instantly, it's either the above negging approach or he's got an inflated ego and was ok with the instagram level of superficiality in relationships.

Such a backhander smacking of his lowering his standards for a better "quality" woman. Not a pleasant trait.

There's a reason it gave you misgivings so well done for listening to your gut feelings.

This.

He's still shallow hal.

Why would he have needed to say any of that if he wasn't.

If you get into a relationship with him, he's started it in the basis of saying that you're less superficially attractive or "perfect" but he's giving you (or women like you) a chance because he's found the superficially attractive, "perfect" women to be superficial, boring, tense, not fun, hard Work etc.

Even if he feels this way, which is rather simple minded!, why say it out loud.

At best he lacks tact.

I think he's also attributing relationship problems wrongly to the women being focused on their looks, social media presentation etc. I have a feeling they wereore ci plex than that, avd involved his input a lot more than he's giving credit to!

I would be very wary.

*I have a feeling the previous relationship problems were more complex than that, and involved his input/behaviour a lot more than he's giving credit to.

I was in a relationship with a man who turned out to be quite superficial and chauvinist, and many other negative things.

At the beginning, he told me he'd told his friends and family that "this one isn't divorced or separated" and indicated that he felt it was much more likely to go well, because apparently single mum divorcees/"separarees" were fucked up by their experience ...... I ignored that flag to my detriment.

All I can say is that he played a massive role in the negative development of our relationship, in fact it was well nigh impossible to gave a healthy relationship with him, and even if i hadn't been able to imagine how he'd have done similar in his previous relationships, he let plenty of things slip as time went on that told me he'd acted exactly the same.

But somehow the relationship breakdowns were the women's faults, and due to their issues. That sort of usability to take responsibility for your part in relationship breakdowns, alongside putting women into simole, negative boxes (that facilitate blaming them.for the relationship breakdowns) does not bode well about a man's character.

*inability to take responsibility.

It's really another version of "all my exes are crazy" .... but it's "all my exes are beautiful but superficial, boring, fun sponges who can't relax".

If you get into a relationship with him, he's started it in the basis of saying that you're less superficially attractive or "perfect"

I take the point from the rest of your post but that's true. I am less superfically attractive.

Why would someone pretend otherwise? If he told me i was beautiful, it obviously wouldn't be true.

*We've known each other for a very long time and there's always been a mutual attraction. But contact has been sporadic over the years.

It wasn't arranged as a date just two old friends catching up.*

But nothing ever happened .... that in itself indicates an indifference/ambivalence. Abd he's now told you, he was previously occupied with "perfect" (looking) women all this time.

Maybe I'm too proud etc but I'd actually be offended and put off that I was now deemed suitable to engage romantically with; after hes dine years of relationships with other women he considered more attractive.

Why would someone pretend otherwise? If he told me i was beautiful, it obviously wouldn't be true.

Why does he have to say either??

Wouldnt it indicate tact, and in fact lack of superficiality, if he didn't imply it.

If he wasnt v obviously thinking this way.

And he didn't criticise the women just that he was no longer interested in the look. It was the look he found uninteresting not that the women were uninteresting.

He doesn't have to make declarations that you're beautiful, and likewise he doesn't have to say anything about the looks of previous partners.

@JustAnotherManicGrungeDay

If you get into a relationship with him, he's started it in the basis of saying that you're less superficially attractive or "perfect"

I take the point from the rest of your post but that's true. I am less superfically attractive.

Why would someone pretend otherwise? If he told me i was beautiful, it obviously wouldn't be true.

No need to bring it up though, is there?

He could just say "I've really been hoping to meet someone I can have fun with and who I can have a laugh with and just get on really well with."

No need to talk about relative appearances.

Whole thing reeks of him doing you a favour by giving you a try.

Plus a bit negative about women generally, in that "instagram women" can't be real/intelligent/funny.

@SleepingBunnies21

Why would someone pretend otherwise? If he told me i was beautiful, it obviously wouldn't be true.

Why does he have to say either??

Wouldnt it indicate tact, and in fact lack of superficiality, if he didn't imply it.

If he wasnt v obviously thinking this way.

I suppose it was because I'd made a comment about having a bit more padding than I'd like.

He did also say I was 'hot' for what that's worth.

Maybe he's sick of heavy makeup, false eyelashes, trout pouts a lot of blokes hate that.
That kind of fake is the norm now.
I'm fat with lumpy legs and I've never had a problem getting a boyfriend. They don't get bored with me.

@JustAnotherManicGrungeDay

And he didn't criticise the women just that he was no longer interested in the look. It was the look he found uninteresting not that the women were uninteresting.

"I'm not interested in Instagram perfection. I've had that and it just doesn't interest me. I'd rather be with someone I can have fun with and who I can have a laugh with and just get on really well with. When I see a 'perfect woman' I just find it boring now. It holds no interest for me."

Isn't he saying he couldn't have fun with them, couldn't have a laugh with them, and couldn't really connect with them ..... he's obviously not saying that was due to him, so who else is he criticising?

I'm not trying to be pedantic but he does appear to be criticising their personalities/vibe etc.

I don't see how it could be taken any other way.

It sounds to me like, “Usually I prefer hot women but I’m prepared to make an exception for you because you’re a good laugh”. He’s asking you to be grateful for the attention.

He's not just saying he's mot interested in that look anymore; he's attributing a personality to that look (for every single woman wiry that look out there) and saying he's not interested in that .... is he not?

@SarahBellam

It sounds to me like, “Usually I prefer hot women but I’m prepared to make an exception for you because you’re a good laugh”. He’s asking you to be grateful for the attention.

Or he's just so tactless, he's saying his thoughts out loud.

But I see his comments were made in the context of a self depreceating remark by yourself (?) which makes him look a bit less bad.

I don't think he'd have said anything if I hadn't.

I read it as it is
What is really important to him is the connexion with his partner.

He might well have had partners for whom looks were really important and he wants to make it clear that's not what he wants.
Just like you have alos learn that some people can be quick to criticise yoour looks so that's not what you want...