How would you interpret this?

[JustAnotherManicGrungeDay]

I have a shit relationship history. Virtually non existent.

I went out for the evening recently with someone I've known on and off for a very long time. We had a really lovely evening - it was a lot of fun and we laughed loads. He is obviously attracted to me and has made it clear a few times previously.

We had a few drinks and were walking down the road holding hands. We were talking about dating and he said "I'm not interested in Instagram perfection. I've had that and it just doesn't interest me. I'd rather be with someone I can have fun with and who I can have a laugh with and just get on really well with. When I see a 'perfect woman' I just find it boring now. It holds no interest for me."

At the end of the night he told me that the evening had been really good fun and he'd really enjoyed it.

I'm not really interesting in analysing whether or not he likes me because my question is quite specific.

I've had a lot of experiences in the past where men have been critical of my appearance. Maybe not initially but somewhere down the line, the fact I'm not slim and toned with a flat stomach and smooth thighs has been a problem.

Does it sound like a genuine comment on his part or is he doing the same?

He did also say I was 'hot' for what that's worth.

Not all men are attracted by the same body shape. Some like thin women others prefer more 'padded' women (as you put OP).
Some like women with big breast, some don't.

What it means to be 'hot' will differ from one man to the next.

@RacistAngst

I read it as it is What is really important to him is the connexion with his partner.

He might well have had partners for whom looks were really important and he wants to make it clear that's not what he wants.
Just like you have alos learn that some people can be quick to criticise yoour looks so that's not what you want...

Tbh, that's how I read it too but I've had such bad experiences in the past that I feel I can't trust my instincts anymore.

He is clearly interested in you and likes you. It sounds like you are not ready.

No. I don't think I am.

He sounds absolutely normal, and a nice bloke. I'd interpret it as you don't have to go out of your way to impress him with clothes, hair, make-up etc. He's already impressed. He wants you to feel comfortable around him.

It's really hard when you've had bad relationships before. The problem is all relationships, abusive and non abusive, start off the same way. The red flags can be very, very subtle. It's a bit odd for him to say it, I agree. Most people in relationships find their partner attractive whether they're conventionally attractive or not! It could be that he's a great, genuine guy who likes you lots and is trying to move beyond friends. It could be that he sees you as a challenge as you've not shown an interest in him (I know a man who does this, he's a narcissist). You both aren't ready for a relationship so just carry on as friends. If it's meant to be it will happen.

I think it is a strange line of conversation. Why does he need to make any comment on Instagram perfect women at all? He could have just said “I have so much fun with you”, “ I have really enjoyed myself”, no need to mention the Instagram perfect women he could have been with at all.

So with that said, considering he did say it, no I would not take it very positively. I have already found men that can’t see beyond looks a bit pathetic really and one that admits he used to but has decided not to any more, not much better.

I'd take it as a compliment, he doesn't just want a beautiful woman, some of whom have nothing behind their beauty and are therefore a bit boring, hes looking for the all round package. I'd stick with it for now and see where it leads... assuming you like him.

I've been thinking about this today.

Having read all the posts, I think he meant to to be reassuring whilst admitting that he has been very looks focused in the past. Maybe it's a 'growth' thing for him and so he's very conscious of it at the moment.

I think I'm attractive and I think I've got a nice figure. Yes there are things I'd change about my face and body if I could but no one is perfect even 'perfect' women.

I don't understand why every man I've met/dated has turned it into such a big deal when other women never get this. I don't ever usually mention what I look like to anyone and that just seems to invite criticism. I've often felt that because I don't complain about being 'fat' or seem insecure in my appearance that men have felt it OK to criticise me. I really only made a brief, vaguely self deprecating comment this time because I wanted to see what the reaction would be if I did.

Well it sounds to me like he's falling in love with you OP. But I watch a lot of Hallmark films!

@Beeinalily

Well it sounds to me like he's falling in love with you OP. But I watch a lot of Hallmark films!

oh if I were to apply the Hallmark formula to it you'd definitely be right. There are other details that make it almost perfect. But back in the real world...

Honestly I think it’s a good comment. If he had said it out of nowhere that would’ve been tactless, possibly a small red flag. But because you had mentioned padding earlier I think it was meant to be reassuring.

No action before now doesn’t mean anything either, plenty of threads on here about ‘the one who got away’ or ‘that bloke who asked me out once’. Good luck op🤞🤞 For you

I don't know, I don't think it's negging he more than likely meant it as a compliment but I could see why you'd think "what, so I'm not good looking?"

@AryaStarkWolf

I don't know, I don't think it's negging he more than likely meant it as a compliment but I could see why you'd think "what, so I'm not good looking?"

That wasn't what I thought. I'm attractive but I'm no beauty! And I'm prepared for some people to think I am and others to disagree.

I don't expect people to lie to me and I don't expect to he flattered and told I'm gorgeous, beautiful etc when those things aren't true.

Generally, I'd settle for not being criticised!

But my past experiences meant I didn't know how to take this comment.

@Beeinalily

Well it sounds to me like he's falling in love with you OP. But I watch a lot of Hallmark films!

That’s mad. No matter how kind you wish to be, that’s the definition of batshit 😂

I was t sure after reading your first post, but after reading your subsequent posts I think he meant it in a good way. Possibly in a 'don't go changing, I love you just the way you are' (thanks Billy Joel).

Oh dear. Well it's your life @JustAnotherManicGrungeDay but honestly men who make comments about womens' appearances and lump them into little stereotypical boxes are not good guys.

You need to stop with the self deprecation, bet ya a fiver it's a giant waving flag to the dodgy blokes that says "iffy self esteem here!" and you would be beautiful to someone who cared for you!

I'm frankly a bit of a troll face in certain lights but I know my previous partners all thought I was beautiful to them - allow yourself the possibility that you can be viewed as beautiful too.

@WhoIsPepeSilva

Oh dear. Well it's your life *@JustAnotherManicGrungeDay* but honestly men who make comments about womens' appearances and lump them into little stereotypical boxes are not good guys.

You need to stop with the self deprecation, bet ya a fiver it's a giant waving flag to the dodgy blokes that says "iffy self esteem here!" and you would be beautiful to someone who cared for you!

I'm frankly a bit of a troll face in certain lights but I know my previous partners all thought I was beautiful to them - allow yourself the possibility that you can be viewed as beautiful too.

That's why I was clear that I don't normally say anything about my looks. It must be 20 years since I last said anything negative about myself to a man.

If those who are saying it's a bad sign are right, that's 100% of men I've had any involvement with at all who have been negative about appearance.

If I posted a photo of myself on here, I guarantee that you would all be surprised at that. There is nothing wrong with me and I'm perfectly attractive enough but no one has ever thought I was "beautiful to them".

I don't know what do about it.

I don't normally comment ony looks at all.

Never ask for an opinion on what I'm wearing or how I look. Nothing.

Never order salad for dinner or say that I'm watching my weight. Nothing.

Just nothing. But still the comments come.

Honestly Just, I never thought anything about how you possibly looked. I wouldn't be surprised to find you are very attractive physically.

It seems clear though that you are self conscious about your weight/appearance though and I think abusive men have their antenna focused to pick up on any signals from women like this.

Are your standards in relationships low I wonder? Why would you accept a relationship with someone who didn't think you were "beautiful" and wonderful and all the good things. Like this guy doesn't think I'm beautiful, never compliments me but it's good enough? Obviously I have no idea but that's the feeling I'm getting from you from what you are saying.

I think you need to work on your self esteem and raise your standards a bit. Listen to the little voice that says "that was off" because it's usually right. That's why you started this thread in the first place, you have come across his type before, he is just presenting it to you in a slightly different way.

Comments about watching your weight and ordering salads because you feel overweight are being picked up on. You might not be saying "oh! I'm oveweight", "how do I look in this dress" etc but you are giving off signals that you care about it, it's something you are self conscious about and all those bastards that have made comments have picked up on this and honed in on it as a way to put you down and hurt you.

Oh sorry totally misread that last post and now see you said completely the opposite from what I thought, disregard my last post please!

The point stands that if it is something you are self conscious about you may be telegraphing those feelings and abusers are adept at picking up on them. You may not realise you are letting them know it's a sore point but they are picking up on it somehow.

Still think there were red flags with the guy from the other night.

@WhoIsPepeSilva

Comments about watching your weight and ordering salads because you feel overweight are being picked up on. You might not be saying "oh! I'm oveweight", "how do I look in this dress" etc but you are giving off signals that you care about it, it's something you are self conscious about and all those bastards that have made comments have picked up on this and honed in on it as a way to put you down and hurt you.

No insaod I don't ever do this. I literally never say anything negative about myself at all. I don't comment on my appearance. I put make up.on amd look nice if I'm going out, the rest fo the time I'm not too fussed. There is literally nothing in the way I communicate with others that would highlight me as 'insecure'.

The only reason I said anything to him is because, quite honestly, not saying anything negative.or otherwise about myself has made no difference and I wondered if they have taken my confidence/self-assuredness as a green light. I just thought I'd try something different to see what happened!

@WhoIsPepeSilva

Oh sorry totally misread that last post and now see you said completely the opposite from what I thought, disregard my last post please!

Ha sorry replied before I read this