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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How would you feel.

86 replies

unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 19:41

As title suggests I am not looking for answers to what I should do. I am wanting to know how other people would feel about this situation
Been with DP for 12 year. Lived together for 8 year. No children together, no house together or anything joint to be honest. We live in my home and no talk of buying together. Never been talk of marriage or even engagement. I am very independent, don't rely on him which is just as well as he earns then spends. I on the other hand have assets that I could lose should we marry and divorce. I am starting to feel resentful that he has never mentioned any sort of commitment.
Really don't understand why I am starting to think this way.
How would you feel about being in this situation? Please tell me i am just a menopausal mess 🤣

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/09/2021 19:59

I would feel like I had a cocklodger who was waiting for someone else to sweep him off his feet. That I'm good enough to be with but not good enough to marry...

HollowTalk · 01/09/2021 20:04

Do you love him?

He sounds like a cocklodger. What do you like about him?

I wouldn't marry him, though.

Brieeeeeeeeeeee · 01/09/2021 20:06

I was in a similar situation and resentment took over in the end. Mostly because we started taking each other for granted and because there wasn’t a commitment to stick to - “for better, for worse” - it felt like there was nothing worth saving. If we’d made vows or whatever I think I would have felt like there was something solid worth saving.

thistimelastweek · 01/09/2021 20:09

I would be glad that I don't have to compromise my independence and financial autonomy for the sake of a marriage proposal i would have to refuse.

Suzi888 · 01/09/2021 20:11

Well it’s difficult, I wanted to get married etc. If I wasn’t bothered about getting married then it wouldn’t bother me.

How do you split bills/ rent, does he contribute at
all ? If he doesn’t, that would really get my goat!

ClaudiaWinkleHam · 01/09/2021 20:19

Is there a chance he doesn’t think you want all of that?

Lobster2018 · 01/09/2021 20:22

I was in a relationship like this for 5 years, I hated him by the end and left him, he was by definition a cocklodger, you sound like you have one!
I'm much happier in a new loving caring relationship that's going somewhere.

Original poster
unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 20:25

I do love him although I am beginning to doubt that.
I wouldn't marry him now even if he asked as I think it's too late and the resentment is creeping in.
He pays me £100 a week towards food. I pay everything else!! I have been and am continuing to be a fool.
I met him after a very abusive relationship and because he doesn't beat me up or cheat on me I feel I should be grateful.

OP posts:
Original poster
unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 20:26

@ClaudiaWinkleHam

Is there a chance he doesn’t think you want all of that?
He might but he's never tried to find out. Lol.
OP posts:
mummabear20202022 · 01/09/2021 20:28

@unsportyspice

I do love him although I am beginning to doubt that. I wouldn't marry him now even if he asked as I think it's too late and the resentment is creeping in. He pays me £100 a week towards food. I pay everything else!! I have been and am continuing to be a fool. I met him after a very abusive relationship and because he doesn't beat me up or cheat on me I feel I should be grateful.
This is the same arrangement I had with my mum while paying digs. He has it cushty, probably knows it too!

No wonder you feel resentment, I'd have started to feel it long ago!

notapizzaeater · 01/09/2021 20:29

£100 a week for everything, he's no incentive to change !

Original poster
unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 20:34

@notapizzaeater

£100 a week for everything, he's no incentive to change !
I know. I need to change things but I feel bad asking for money.
OP posts:
bamboocat · 01/09/2021 20:34

@unsportyspice

I do love him although I am beginning to doubt that. I wouldn't marry him now even if he asked as I think it's too late and the resentment is creeping in. He pays me £100 a week towards food. I pay everything else!! I have been and am continuing to be a fool. I met him after a very abusive relationship and because he doesn't beat me up or cheat on me I feel I should be grateful.
Not beating you up or cheating on you is the absolute bare minimum to look for in a relationship - I have a feeling that you have set a rather low bar with this one.

He's not an equal partner at all, is he? What does he do with the rest of his money while you are spending all of yours keeping a roof over his head?

RandomMess · 01/09/2021 20:36

Bills and food have gone up massively in the last 10 years!!

Just say you've reviewed everything and it needs to be £250 per week from now on.

Have you added up council tax, gas, electric, water, broadband, Netflix? Then separately supermarket spending?

RandomMess · 01/09/2021 20:37

Contents insurance?

Something towards wear and tear?

He isn't going to be able to move out and rent for £1k per month including bills is he let alone food and cleaning stuff etc.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 01/09/2021 20:38

So he pays you £400 a month. What % of your house bills is that? I'm not sure whether he should be contributing towards mortgage as he has no interest in the propety but he should at least be paying 50% of the other household bills, so is he paying his way?. Also think it depends on other stuff I.e if you go out do you share the bills (don't mean literally, but 1 time you pay, him next time etc) how do you usually pay for holidays / days out/ treats?
If he wasn't taking the piss and I wanted to buy together/ marriage then I would want to know where he saw our future after 12 years. If OTOH I was happy as we were then that is fine too.
I get the impression that after 12 years younger hoping for more / something different.

Durbeyfield · 01/09/2021 20:39

I certainly wouldn’t marry him. Look after your assets.

Original poster
unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 20:50

He reckons I would have these bills to pay whether he was here or not and £100 more than covers his food. We pay for our own holidays and alternate the paying of meals out.
I don't know what he does with his money. I always think as long as I get my bit it's none of my business.
Just lately I have started to feel resentment. I have carried him where money is concerned for a long time. When out of work etc. This £100 a week has been regular for the last 4 year.
I am just starting to feel used and not good enough.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 01/09/2021 20:54

£100 a week. That’s not enough! Can I come and live with you please Grin.

Seriously, you shouldn’t feel bad asking for money, he needs to contribute to the property he lives in and the bills he generates. He isn’t playing fair and I think he probably knows it. Does he have a secret savings stash or blow the lot? You need to protect yourself OP, I could be wrong but if you split doesn’t he get a share any way? Recognise your worth!
You need to speak to him about all of this and if you do split, I’d get legal advice first personally.

RandomMess · 01/09/2021 20:55

Your gas, electric, water if metered and council tax would all be lower without him plus less wear and tear on your home.

He's miserly and tight and that would give me the ick.

Honestly I'd be asking him to move out.

CaptSkippy · 01/09/2021 21:02

I don't know about local laws, but if he lives with you for some time, under the law you may already have some sort of commitment.

As for how I would feel? I would kick him out. He mooches off of you and contributes nothing financially to the relatiosnhip. What a convenient situation for him.

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 01/09/2021 21:07

@unsportyspice

He reckons I would have these bills to pay whether he was here or not and £100 more than covers his food. We pay for our own holidays and alternate the paying of meals out. I don't know what he does with his money. I always think as long as I get my bit it's none of my business. Just lately I have started to feel resentment. I have carried him where money is concerned for a long time. When out of work etc. This £100 a week has been regular for the last 4 year. I am just starting to feel used and not good enough.
He doesn't get to live for free though !! Where did he live before he moved in with you? He needs to up his contribution OP or if your feeling of resentment is too strong then maybe its time for separation. Good luck OP.
HollowTalk · 01/09/2021 21:15

£100 per week! He says you would have those bills even if he wasn't there. Ask him what bills he would have if you weren't there.

HollowTalk · 01/09/2021 21:16

I think if any man expected to live with me and only pay £100 per week then I would know he wasn't the man for me because he is tight and selfish.

Original poster
unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 21:17

He has no claim on my property. I got that sorted legally before he moved in. That's why he doesn't contribute towards mortgage or any repairs needed in my house. I was willing to share everything but without real commitment he can sod off.
I honestly think it's too late now. If I have to ask for commitment then it won't feel right for me. Call me old fashioned but that's how I feel.
Before making the decision I wanted to ask for others opinions as I felt I was maybe being unfair and greedy. I really appreciate all of your honest opinions. I was expecting to be slated 🥲

OP posts: