How would you feel.

[unsportyspice]

As title suggests I am not looking for answers to what I should do. I am wanting to know how other people would feel about this situation
Been with DP for 12 year. Lived together for 8 year. No children together, no house together or anything joint to be honest. We live in my home and no talk of buying together. Never been talk of marriage or even engagement. I am very independent, don't rely on him which is just as well as he earns then spends. I on the other hand have assets that I could lose should we marry and divorce. I am starting to feel resentful that he has never mentioned any sort of commitment.
Really don't understand why I am starting to think this way.
How would you feel about being in this situation? Please tell me i am just a menopausal mess 🤣

Where he goes, how he goes, how upset he feels - none of this is your problem.

Simply say that the relationship has run its course and you dont want to be with him any more and you want him to move out by Monday.

Why should you extend him any care and consideration now when he hasnt cared for or been considerate for a decade?

Freeloading, manipulative cocklodger.

Good luck to you op. Your better life is just around the corner.

I wouldn't mention money at all. Just say this isn't working out for you. You're not obligated to stay with the same person your whole life. You can change your mind.

You sound lovely. And i know you're concerned about him. But do you think he has shown any concern for you and your feelings over the years?

I would also think hes had over a decade of living an extremely cushty life. You have nothing to feel bad about. You've done him a massive favour when frankly he doesn't deserve it.

What he does now is not your problem. You are not obliged to find him a new home and make sure he's ok. He is a grown man.

I certainly think you should be getting half the bills- the food payment is in lieu of paying you rent I would say. It’s not as if he wouldn’t half to pay rent elsewhere. Otherwise he is taking the piss. I think £650 a month is more of a realistic amount— and even then it’s a very good deal for him. I would though probably be ending it— he’s clearly tight as a ducks arse- anyone with a brain would know that he isn’t paying his whack and the fact he had the cheek to comment you would be paying bills anyway shows he is quite happy to take advantage of you.

I only realised in recent times after reading these pages that the guy who lived with me for 4 years about 25 years ago was only ever contributing to food— I didn’t really think about it at the time , I kind of got caught up with stuff and it’s only reflection that made me think what a cheeky freeloading arse

I don't know what he does with his money.

After 12 years?! Wow!

Definatively time to offload him!

And a big fat NO to having a month to move out!

@unsportyspice I had this with an ex he was in my house working full time and some how managed to get away with putting gas and electric on my card meters when we needed it and buying the odd shop. I too was in my first relationship after DV and it took a while though not as long for the resentment to kick in. I confronted him and asked where are we going? He didn't want more kids (4 from previous marriage, I had two of my own) he made it very clear he didn't want to be married again so it left me with buying a house together. When he realised it was that or the end of our relationship he ignored me for days and slept on the sofa - I must admit I lost it a bit and told him if he thinks he's living in my house while ignoring me he can get out and gave him a date. I came home and he'd gone a few days later. Refused to give the keys back and left a load of stuff here. I changed the locks and haven't looked back it was the best thing I ever did bar getting out of the original DV relationship - it was funny that he never had enough money while living with me however he got himself set up pretty quickly he obviously had a load of savings hidden and was happy to watch me pay for everything!
Please don't worry about what he is going to do or go once you have ended it it's not you're problem he is a grown man.
Think of yourself and your worth.

For EIGHT YEARS this arsehole has only had to pay £5k a year living costs. All in. If he doesn't have enough saved up immediately put down the first months rent plus deposit on a one bed rental (say £2-3k max in total) then he isn't just an arsehole, he's been pissing his money up the wall because you've subbed him for eight years and that would make him an idiot on top of everything else.

Do not ever let yourself sleepwalk into a situation like this again. I can't believe you're worried about it 'upsetting' him.

He's contributed £5k a year to your life together, all in! He's horrible!

'Piss taking cocklodger, I'm afraid our relationship isn't working out, I am not happy and I've come to the point where I no longer want to work on it - its over. You need to have left my home by Sunday'.

@unsportyspice

SO. How should I approach this without sounding as if all I am interested in is money? I know I sound pathetic but i hate upsetting people. Although he will probably be more annoyed lol.

You might hate upsetting people, but at the moment you are avoiding upsetting him and making yourself unhappy in the process. Don't martyr yourself. You are being perfectly reasonable, he is the one with the bare-faced cheek in all this.

You have a decision to make.

1. End it anyway because you are fundamentally unhappy.
2. Tell him to contribute.

If you choose 2, then you need to decide what outcome you want if he says no.

The fact that he would have nowhere to go if you tell him to leave is not your problem, and you should not feel any guilt at all. He's had years to save a huge sum and he hasn't.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

For EIGHT YEARS this arsehole has only had to pay £5k a year living costs. All in. If he doesn't have enough saved up immediately put down the first months rent plus deposit on a one bed rental (say £2-3k max in total) then he isn't just an arsehole, he's been pissing his money up the wall because you've subbed him for eight years and that would make him an idiot on top of everything else.

Do not ever let yourself sleepwalk into a situation like this again. I can't believe you're worried about it 'upsetting' him.

He's contributed £5k a year to your life together, all in! He's horrible!

But he hasn't contributed £5k a year though, has he?

Because out of that £100 a week, at least half of it is going towards buying his own food.