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Original poster

How would you feel.

86 replies

unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 19:41

As title suggests I am not looking for answers to what I should do. I am wanting to know how other people would feel about this situation
Been with DP for 12 year. Lived together for 8 year. No children together, no house together or anything joint to be honest. We live in my home and no talk of buying together. Never been talk of marriage or even engagement. I am very independent, don't rely on him which is just as well as he earns then spends. I on the other hand have assets that I could lose should we marry and divorce. I am starting to feel resentful that he has never mentioned any sort of commitment.
Really don't understand why I am starting to think this way.
How would you feel about being in this situation? Please tell me i am just a menopausal mess 🤣

OP posts:
summercupcake · 01/09/2021 21:19

I would feel very grateful that I hadn't tied my financial future to this man and that I was independent.

I would also start examining whet her brings to my life, after the initial excitement of finding each other, dating, settling down together etc...what it left now? You seem to have reached the ceiling in your relationship....there us no brighter future, this is it.

He's having his cake and eating it.

Durbeyfield · 01/09/2021 21:21

Good for you, OP. You’ve been really sensible. I don’t think enough women protect themselves financially.

GoodnightGrandma · 01/09/2021 21:21

I’d be asking him to get his own place, and just date.

Original poster
unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 21:34

@HollowTalk

£100 per week! He says you would have those bills even if he wasn't there. Ask him what bills he would have if you weren't there.
I love this reply. Made me really think of my situation again his.
OP posts:
Suzi888 · 01/09/2021 21:34

You are overly generous if anything! I am sorry you are this situation though Flowers good luck whatever you decide.

MeAndZig · 01/09/2021 21:50

I understand your situation and agree with all the comments on here. I had the same situation where my partner moved into my home. I took a minimum of £1k from him a month and called it our savings as I could afford to run my home by myself. Yes you do have to be careful if a partner pays toward bills and utilities in case they can have a claim of your property. Maybe that’s just if you’re married actually. Sorry! It’s definitely not unreasonable to ask for more money, I wouldn’t suggest doing the same as me and having joint savings but at least get him to pay for utilities on top of the £400z

RandomMess · 01/09/2021 21:52

You should both be financially better off by living together.

It's saving him what like £700 per month minimum and you what £60 per month??

Hiphopboppertybop99 · 01/09/2021 21:53

@unsportyspice

He has no claim on my property. I got that sorted legally before he moved in. That's why he doesn't contribute towards mortgage or any repairs needed in my house. I was willing to share everything but without real commitment he can sod off. I honestly think it's too late now. If I have to ask for commitment then it won't feel right for me. Call me old fashioned but that's how I feel. Before making the decision I wanted to ask for others opinions as I felt I was maybe being unfair and greedy. I really appreciate all of your honest opinions. I was expecting to be slated 🥲
At least your home is secure. And fair enough you were only expecting contribution towards the other household bills. Good luck to him in trying to find accommodation for £400 a month. OTOH it's probably a sad time for you with this realisation, hope you are ok.
HatsOnHatsOff · 01/09/2021 21:59

The resentment has started, it will only grow. He's a passenger in the relationship. I would end it if I were in your situation.

WorkHardPlayHard1 · 01/09/2021 22:00

You sound like a very strong and independent lady who is too nice and you dont know your own worth!!

Tbh my feminist self says why are you waiting for a ring to feel complete? You are enough. But back in the real world your friends are prob further down the line in marriage and/or kids.

Think about what you want and go get it!! Xxx

AnneLovesGilbert · 01/09/2021 22:01

Oh dear. He’s taking the piss. And it’s awful you’d feel greedy by asking him for a fair contribution!

If you imagine telling him to move out, how do you feel? Panicked and heartbroken or happy and free?

coodawoodashooda · 01/09/2021 22:04

The part that would break me is knowing that he is comfortable monopolising my discomfort at asking for more money.

Original poster
unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 22:07

I feel upset but annoyed that I have waited all this time and still no commitment. Deep down I don't want it now but still feel nervous about ending the relationship. (No idea why as I don't need him for anything). I should have done this years ago and maybe by now I would have met someone who treats me as an equal. Children was never on the cards so I feel no resentment about that.
I know the relationship will end just not sure how long it will take me to do it.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 01/09/2021 22:07

A lodger would give you more like £70 per week and they would buy their own food.

OLDwhyohwhy · 01/09/2021 22:09

@coodawoodashooda

The part that would break me is knowing that he is comfortable monopolising my discomfort at asking for more money.
This

I feel bad when my DP pays for a meal or a weekend away and I know I can't reciprocate to the same standard.

How he can do this for years on end is literally beyond me.

(My dp is also fairly easy to please and appreciates my smaller but heartfelt gestures. Does your DP do anything?!)

bamboocat · 01/09/2021 22:10

So let me get this straight... he thinks he should be able to live in someone else's property completely free of charge???

No contribution towards household bills. No rent, no insurance, no council tax, no electricity or gas bills, no broadband, tv licence, water rates, and goodness knows what else. Not to mention extra wear and tear on the furniture and the washing machine etc.

No bills at all except £100 a week for some food, at least half of which he eats anyway. And he pays you that money. So he's not even lifting a finger to go out and do the bloody shopping, is he?

Christ, what a freeloader. Sorry OP, but you are being taken for a complete mug.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/09/2021 22:44

He reckons I would have these bills to pay whether he was here or not

Well that's true of any individual in a relationship but it doesn't mean most adults in a relationship choose to opt out of paying their way and expect another adult to do so. You know who does expect that? Dickheads. Selfish ones.

Suprima · 01/09/2021 22:50

@unsportyspice

He has no claim on my property. I got that sorted legally before he moved in. That's why he doesn't contribute towards mortgage or any repairs needed in my house. I was willing to share everything but without real commitment he can sod off. I honestly think it's too late now. If I have to ask for commitment then it won't feel right for me. Call me old fashioned but that's how I feel. Before making the decision I wanted to ask for others opinions as I felt I was maybe being unfair and greedy. I really appreciate all of your honest opinions. I was expecting to be slated 🥲
You aren’t old fashioned- you’ve had a man who isn’t your husband, mugging you off for years and the normalisation of this situation has made you think you are ‘greedy’.

I don’t really have anything helpful to say, except he’s not going to commit now because why would he? You’ve given him your all without it.

Does he do anything nice for you?
Is he romantic?
Does he have any redeeming features?

If you are not happy, the resentment will grow and grow and grow.

Wiredforsound · 01/09/2021 23:03

£400 a month for all bills and meals? Blimey, can I move in with you and bring my whole family?

OnceTheyDid · 01/09/2021 23:05

Wow OP. Sort this situation out now.

He is taking the fucking piss out of you.. and sadly you are allowing him.

JulesCobb · 01/09/2021 23:11

£100 per week! He says you would have those bills even if he wasn't there. Ask him what bills he would have if you weren't there
1000 times this. Get rid.

Original poster
unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 23:13

No he isn't romantic. Infact he shows little if any emotion. I have been made to feel bad for expecting any sort of romance or commitment. I never get gifts or flowers apart from birthdays and Christmas. I don't expect anything but when I see how other people get treat I do a feel a little disappointed. Must be nice to feel special or loved now and again.
True when people are saying I would be better off alone. It's just making to move to end things.

OP posts:
Polly271220 · 01/09/2021 23:16

Fuck him off...he's taking the piss

OLDwhyohwhy · 01/09/2021 23:22

@unsportyspice what stops you from breaking it off?

It's very easy for all of us to say this as we can see it all dispassionately.

But you know you're worth more than this don't you?

Mummasdiary2021 · 01/09/2021 23:22

@RandomMess

I would feel like I had a cocklodger who was waiting for someone else to sweep him off his feet. That I'm good enough to be with but not good enough to marry...
Cocklodger 🤣
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