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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How would you feel.

86 replies

unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 19:41

As title suggests I am not looking for answers to what I should do. I am wanting to know how other people would feel about this situation
Been with DP for 12 year. Lived together for 8 year. No children together, no house together or anything joint to be honest. We live in my home and no talk of buying together. Never been talk of marriage or even engagement. I am very independent, don't rely on him which is just as well as he earns then spends. I on the other hand have assets that I could lose should we marry and divorce. I am starting to feel resentful that he has never mentioned any sort of commitment.
Really don't understand why I am starting to think this way.
How would you feel about being in this situation? Please tell me i am just a menopausal mess 🤣

OP posts:

Original poster

unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 23:24

[quote OLDwhyohwhy]@unsportyspice what stops you from breaking it off?

It's very easy for all of us to say this as we can see it all dispassionately.

But you know you're worth more than this don't you?[/quote]
Lack of confidence I think. Also I feel guilty as he has nowhere to go.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 01/09/2021 23:25

He can afford to move out he has a nice pot of savings after living for next to nothing for so long!!!

Miliao · 01/09/2021 23:26

I don’t think it’s going to work, not for any of the reasons you’ve listed, but the fact you don’t communicate. By the sounds of it, you’ve not brought any of this up, but expect him to have done. He could be feeling the same. He may think you’ll think he’s a gold digger if he asks you to marry him. Do you even want to marry him, or do you just want to be asked? Nothing wrong with either. Just sounds like you both don’t talk.

RandomMess · 01/09/2021 23:26

He can rent a flat or be a lodger elsewhere he won't be on the streets will he?

MimiDaisy11 · 01/09/2021 23:31

On the original question: If I wanted commitment but had never brought it up with him I’d feel that it was on both of us to start that conversation. You said you’re old fashioned but it’s possible that he thought you didn’t want it. Communication is key.

Lightlady · 01/09/2021 23:32

@unsportyspice

He reckons I would have these bills to pay whether he was here or not and £100 more than covers his food. We pay for our own holidays and alternate the paying of meals out. I don't know what he does with his money. I always think as long as I get my bit it's none of my business. Just lately I have started to feel resentment. I have carried him where money is concerned for a long time. When out of work etc. This £100 a week has been regular for the last 4 year. I am just starting to feel used and not good enough.

It’s not about whether you’d have those bills whether he’s there or not , you wernt put on this planet to ensure that you paying for your accomodation and utilities meant that he got free accomodation and utilities . Tell him that What kind of man behaves like this You’re either a partnership or your not and clearly in his kind this is not a partnership

PepsiHoover · 01/09/2021 23:32

Meh, change the locks while he's out one day and dump his stuff in bin bags in the front garden. It's not his house and he's not your problem.

Original poster

unsportyspice · 01/09/2021 23:46

I have tried to communicate with him. I have mentioned many times about our future. What he wants from life. Where he sees us heading. It's always the same answer. He needs to get some money behind him. If it hasn't happened by now it's never going to. What is he wanting to buy?? A mansion. . He knows I wanted commitment. Something has finally snapped in me and made me realise I am hanging on for something that isn't going to happen and I refuse to hang on anymore.

I just wanted other peoples views on it.

OP posts:

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/09/2021 23:54

For God's sake dont marry him. You could lose everything before retirement.
He is a disgrace. No real man is a commitment phone sponger.
Why on earth don't you think you deserve better.

Suprima · 01/09/2021 23:54

@unsportyspice

. He knows I wanted commitment. Something has finally snapped in me and made me realise I am hanging on for something that isn't going to happen and I refuse to hang on anymore. I just wanted other peoples views on it.

Good for you

Onwards and upwards.

Miliao · 01/09/2021 23:55

Have you actually said what you want though? If you’ve said, ‘what I want for my future is to get married’, and he’s drawn a blank, then you have your answer. If you haven’t said that, then you need to. Commitment is such a wishy washy term, it means different things to different people. Tell him exactly what you want, if he doesn’t give the answer you’re hoping for, then you need to decide if you like him enough for that to be enough, or look for something else.

Serendipity79 · 01/09/2021 23:58

OP my ex was a bit like this and I was stupid and married him. He was abusive too but lets take that off the table for a moment. He manipulated me, paid nothing towards the house but paid the finance on my car which was a gift (took it with him when we split tho) He made me feel guilty for wanting to end the marriage, said he had nowhere to go, used to look wistfully out of the window with a sad man child face when I talked about splitting up - he knew all the tricks. He even suggested a house share once rather than a divorce so he wouldn't lose the cushty lifestyle I provided for him.

He then refused to pay child maintenance and we're still fighting in court so I can keep my home which I bought and he never contributed to. So in this situation I would say be grateful for the small mercy of not having to split it all 50/50 with him.

I understand the bar being set at "at least he doesn't hit me" its very common when you've been in an abusive relationship but these leeches look out for people like us to take them in and look after them, and sometimes emotional abuse can be just as devastating as physical abuse.

You deserve better

Anordinarymum · 02/09/2021 00:08

OMG OP. You would have these bills for sure but what does he have? He's a con merchant. He must be raking the money in living off you.
This is awful

sillybillypants · 02/09/2021 06:29

Wow I feel bad for you OP. Don't ever marry him. It sounds like you'll be hurt if you up the bills and he turns around and then leaves. Is that what's stopping you?

I personally would have told him to stuff it a while ago. How cheeky to suggest you'd be paying the bills anyway, of course you would if you were single but you're not really so he should be paying x and you y to run the household together. £100 a week is actually less than a lot of my friends paid their parents a week about 20 years ago!!!

He doesn't sound very kind and you have my sympathies. I'd love you to update one day that you kicked him out and you probably saved more than £100 anyway but you do have my sympathies even if you don't.

sillybillypants · 02/09/2021 06:31

As others have said a bin bag with his stuff thrown outside and changed locks would be an ideal end to this as well.

isthismylifenow · 02/09/2021 06:39

I think you have just got to the point of realization now OP. And now it does sound like this has run its course.

It doesn't sound as if you will be any worse of without him, as he isn't there for you emotionally either.

You have started to detach, and this is a good thing for you to move forward.

updownroundandround · 02/09/2021 06:55

@unsportyspice

I think other women would feel exactly the same as you do, and now the 'scales have fallen from your eyes', so to speak, you're now feeling more than just unfulfilled, you're deeply resentful. You feel (rightly) that you have been 'hanging on' for years, hoping that he would ask you to marry him.

You have finally come to accept that he was never going to, and you are, of course, upset about this. You feel angry at him, but also at yourself for being 'fooled' for over a decade that this 'relationship' was the real thing and would eventually end in marriage.

There is no set 'time' when someone finally realises what others outside the relationship have known for years. You probably had entire years pass without really giving it much thought.
But now that you have realised that he's never been interested in getting married to you, you cannot return to 'business as ususal' or 'unsee' it.

It doesn't matter if he has nowhere else to go, remind him that he's had over a decade to get some money behind him , so if he's got fuck all saved, that's his bloody problem, not yours !

JulesCobb · 02/09/2021 07:00

It doesn't matter if he has nowhere else to go, remind him that he's had over a decade to get some money behind him hmm, so if he's got fuck all saved, that's his bloody problem, not yours
This. He was either wanting to get some money behind him to commit to a more stable future, or he was a massive cocklodger.

Original poster

unsportyspice · 02/09/2021 07:05

SO.
How should I approach this without sounding as if all I am interested in is money? I know I sound pathetic but i hate upsetting people. Although he will probably be more annoyed lol.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 02/09/2021 07:05

I would feel like a complete mug allowing this to happen to me if I were you

JulesCobb · 02/09/2021 07:12

@unsportyspice

SO. How should I approach this without sounding as if all I am interested in is money? I know I sound pathetic but i hate upsetting people. Although he will probably be more annoyed lol.

This relationship isn't working for me anymore. I’d like you out by the end of the day.

Heatherjayne1972 · 02/09/2021 07:34

Financially it’s not in your interest to marry him If you divorced you could lose half your assets
Relationship wise he doesn’t sound great
Maybe it’s just run it’s course

How should you approach it ? What do you want - decide that and go from there

RandomMess · 02/09/2021 07:50

"This isn't working for me anymore we've never been a partnership, I'm done, it's over you need to move out"

Thereafter regardless of what he says

"I'm done you need to leave"

Do not give him a month give him a week if need be he can go to a B&B or a Travelodge or friends. It's not your problem he should have £££££££ squirrelled away and if he doesn't that still isn't your problem.

Any aggro then you say "leave me house now it's over"

HollowTalk · 02/09/2021 07:59

I think he should move out on the day you tell him.

Paying you so little every single week should mean that he has a fortune saved. He can just sort himself out.

CaptSkippy · 02/09/2021 08:17

@unsportyspice

SO. How should I approach this without sounding as if all I am interested in is money? I know I sound pathetic but i hate upsetting people. Although he will probably be more annoyed lol.

I wouldn't mention money at all. Say that you want to break up and that he needs to move out. Give him, maybe a month's notice and then he needs to be gone. Whatever he does or wherever he goes is no longer your concern.

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