Lifestyle different with my girlfriend and in law family

[SincerelyAsking]

I grew up from a poor family, but my parents worked hard so that my brothers and I can have adequate education. I know my parents financial was not good, I didn’t take any money from my parents since I got into university, age 19. I managed to finish my bachelor’s degree with a scholarship and some part time jobs. Upon graduate and work for 2 years, I decided to continue doing my job daytime, and use my saving and salary to take a master’s degree by the evening time.

Since then, I have been worked hard and I am a senior management at an established engineering company today. But I also sacrificed a lot to come this, I had a girlfriend years ago, but we had gone separate way. Being single and I am not a party guy at all, my daily routine is simple. Monday to Friday I go to the gym, then office, then gym again and finally home. Over the weekend, I do 10-15miles walking at Peak District Saturday and stay home for movies, tidy the house and cook my favourite dishes on Sunday. Every year, I go budget backpacking holiday at Asian for my 5 weeks holiday, spend £1200, spending >£35 on a takeaway meal is normal. Burbery, LV are typical in her closet. She spent all her salary and constantly have extra pocket money from her family to support her living.

I feel uncomfortable to spend £50-£100 on 2 persons meal everyday and used up all my salary every month with no saving. I discussed with her, but she has been living like this all her live and her family can support her lifestyle, it is unfair for her to change her lifestyle also. Her family is happy to give her extra pocket money even after we get married.

Probably due to my ego, or probably due to massive change on my lifestyle, or probably due to the fear of being controlled by in law family financially, I am uncomfortable with this arrangement and I am stuck. We indeed love each other, and we appreciate it is almost impossible to meet someone we clicked so closely.

I am 38 years old, I always wish to have a family with my children. I am an engineer and I work hard but I am not good in relationship. I sincerely ask for your opinion and advise please.

Thank you very much.

Your discipline and focus are admirable. I don't know what the right thing is to do in this situation but it sounds as though your lifestyles are fundamentally incompatible, let alone your approach to finances. Do you actually enjoy any of the same hobbies? You don't have to do everything together but if you want to build a life together you do need to want to spend a chunk of time doing the same things.

Does your girlfriend expect you to spend your money on her? Or to spend money at the same rate as she does? Or does she subsidise you eg if you go out to eat and she wants to go somewhere more expensive?

If she truly loves your approach to life then she won't be trying to sabotage your saving.

She's not the right woman for you.

She's not the right person for you - she's dependent on others and you're not. She's a spendthrift and you're not. Her attitude to money will make you very unhappy. Your unwillingness to spend everything on frivolous things will make her very unhappy.

It sounds as though you've really worked hard to make things work for you. Maybe rethink whether a life with her will make you happy and look for someone who shares your attitudes.

Please don't marry her, her family will have too much influence and money will drive a wedge between you. You sound lovely, you deserve more than this.

I agree with the others. You sound lovely and very sensible. Dont marry this woman as it will make you very miserable. Find someone with a similar attitude to money.

Agree with the others. You are not compatible. You will never think the same way about money, and you are at extreme ends of the scale of thinking.

If it's not too personal a question, why are you talking about getting married when you have no intimate relationship after a 'few' months? Is it a cultural issue?

Also, does she work?

It doesn’t sound like you’re compatible financially which will cause you a lot of issues

She sounds very immature, self indulgent and spoilt. Not great qualities in a wife, mother of children. But she could grow out of it if she lived in the real world, not Daddy;s wallet.

It's much too soon to be thinking of marriage. Best to live together for at least a year (I suggest, in your place) and get to know each other a lot better before you commit.

You're 38, how old is she? She sounds like she's still dependent on her parents for money? That's unusual for anyone in their 30s so it would be a red flag to me. That she hadn't lived independently. For her own growth as much as for your future together.

If you want to continue a relationship with her keep your finances separate and don't comment on her arrangements.
If you get married you will have to accept she chooses to spend her money on different things to you and future financial security is less important to her than quality of life today so there will be tension around spending. I think you have to have a very open conversation around what works for both of you. For example, paying an amount into a joint account for bills and using the rest as you each see fit. Or maybe you could take on saving and investing for the family while still allocating her money to spend on "today" - like takeaways etc.

I don't think your attitude sounds all that healthy either and could lead to you being financially controlling out of insecurity so I think you need to agree all this upfront.

You have written a lovely to read post here, and have seemingly worked hard,to have planned out a good future for yourself financially. being sensible about that aspect of your life.. But you have met someone who hasn't had to think much about spending lots of money, and this is obviously bothering you now. Despite you getting along very well with your lady friend, and all is well at the moment, it isn't going to tell you how things will work out later, well regarding money matters I mean..

This is something that nobody could advise you on, except to be careful in what you choose to do. If you haven't really had many girlfriends, but now have found one that is compatible with you, in only some ways, you have to think about all things seriously for the future.

You’re incompatible. For what it’s worth, your lifestyle to me sounds joyless and unnecessarily scrimping — and I say this as someone from an extremely poor background who likewise educated myself into more comfortable circumstances— although she sounds like a total spendthrift if she can’t support herself in adulthood.

You should end the relationship, as it’s likely to cause untold misery if you continue and entangle your finances. Besides, given your values, can you really love and admire someone who relies on her family for handouts?

Financial compatibility is as important as any other type - a long term relationship where you don't see eye-to-eye on spending is going to lead to a lot of conflict

Neither of you is wrong neccessarily (though i would towards living within your means and not looking to family for handouts)

You’re incompatible op

Simple as that

Can’t you just carry on dating for now. No rush to marry.
After a few months I’m not sure love is the right word.

Financial compatibility is very important in a life partner.
You two could hardly be further extremes of each other.

Your focus is on the far future and hers is living for today with someone else topping her up.

I would find her lack of financial independence and dependence on her parents deeply immature, spoiled and unattractive.

Part of the attraction of an adult is self sufficiency.

Would you like your in laws knowing your business? Because they will.

I also think that your frugality could be called mean and controlling by her.

Is she expecting you to fund her expensive tastes, together with her parents?

I think that marrying this woman you are setting yourself up for failure, possibly divorce and the future division of your hard earned assets.

Children are a very expensive luxury, that you would need to consider the cost of.

Living frugally with children when you don't have to, could be fraught with tension with a lot of woman, who would find it quite joyless.

There is someone out there for you. Financial compatibility is incredibly important. Your background really doesn’t matter. Your personal incomes don’t even matter that much. What does matter is your approach to finances as adults. If you don’t have reasonably similar views to spending and saving, a lifelong partnership just won’t work.

Rereading your OP it sounds like you may not have had physical intimacy with your GF yet. If this is the case and given that you've only been together her for a few months, then why the great rush to think about marriage?

I suspect from your writing style that English may not be your first language so forgive me if I am projecting UK values on to the situation.

I don't think you're compatible but you could give it another couple of months to make a decision.

@Palavah

Your discipline and focus are admirable. I don't know what the right thing is to do in this situation but it sounds as though your lifestyles are fundamentally incompatible, let alone your approach to finances. Do you actually enjoy any of the same hobbies? You don't have to do everything together but if you want to build a life together you do need to want to spend a chunk of time doing the same things.

Does your girlfriend expect you to spend your money on her? Or to spend money at the same rate as she does? Or does she subsidise you eg if you go out to eat and she wants to go somewhere more expensive?

If she truly loves your approach to life then she won't be trying to sabotage your saving.

Do you actually enjoy any of the same hobbies? We can talk all night long, endless topics. She said she would try peak district 1-2 miles walk to start with, but have so far not done any yet.

Does your girlfriend expect you to spend your money on her?
Yes, she would expect me to pay for the food bills. She has been living this lifestyle all her life, she would not expect less on the food, eg. king prawn, lobster, steak and etc. But she admitted she should pay for her own designer handbag and clothing.

Why does she think people owe her a living?

I can't fathom being an adult who thinks other people should fund a lifestyle I want but am not willing to pay for.

And I equally can't fathom being attracted to an adult like that!

Run >>>>> the hills this way
You are not compatible an this will all end in tears

@Sarahlou63

If it's not too personal a question, why are you talking about getting married when you have no intimate relationship after a 'few' months? Is it a cultural issue?

Also, does she work?

Personally I am more focus on soul mate. Intimate relationship can come later.

She didnt work, but studying at the moment, her family pays for her tuition fees and cost of living. From what she told me, she spends a minimum of 1.2k on food monthly. >£35 for a take away dinner is a norm for her.

I think you should move on. She doesn't value how hard you've worked and this would be a life long battle. Are you involved in the FIRE (financial independence retire early) community? It sounds like you might find "your people" there!

@Guineapigbridge

You're 38, how old is she? She sounds like she's still dependent on her parents for money? That's unusual for anyone in their 30s so it would be a red flag to me. That she hadn't lived independently. For her own growth as much as for your future together.

She is at early 30. I am indeed shock to hear that she spends all money each month and ask for extra pocket money from her parents constantly.