Lifestyle different with my girlfriend and in law family

[SincerelyAsking]

I grew up from a poor family, but my parents worked hard so that my brothers and I can have adequate education. I know my parents financial was not good, I didn’t take any money from my parents since I got into university, age 19. I managed to finish my bachelor’s degree with a scholarship and some part time jobs. Upon graduate and work for 2 years, I decided to continue doing my job daytime, and use my saving and salary to take a master’s degree by the evening time.

Since then, I have been worked hard and I am a senior management at an established engineering company today. But I also sacrificed a lot to come this, I had a girlfriend years ago, but we had gone separate way. Being single and I am not a party guy at all, my daily routine is simple. Monday to Friday I go to the gym, then office, then gym again and finally home. Over the weekend, I do 10-15miles walking at Peak District Saturday and stay home for movies, tidy the house and cook my favourite dishes on Sunday. Every year, I go budget backpacking holiday at Asian for my 5 weeks holiday, spend £1200, spending >£35 on a takeaway meal is normal. Burbery, LV are typical in her closet. She spent all her salary and constantly have extra pocket money from her family to support her living.

I feel uncomfortable to spend £50-£100 on 2 persons meal everyday and used up all my salary every month with no saving. I discussed with her, but she has been living like this all her live and her family can support her lifestyle, it is unfair for her to change her lifestyle also. Her family is happy to give her extra pocket money even after we get married.

Probably due to my ego, or probably due to massive change on my lifestyle, or probably due to the fear of being controlled by in law family financially, I am uncomfortable with this arrangement and I am stuck. We indeed love each other, and we appreciate it is almost impossible to meet someone we clicked so closely.

I am 38 years old, I always wish to have a family with my children. I am an engineer and I work hard but I am not good in relationship. I sincerely ask for your opinion and advise please.

Thank you very much.

Your attitude and work ethic is admirable! You have done so well. You have clear financial goals and you have a clear path to achieve them. That is excellent. Your parents must be so proud of you.

Your girlfriend... Eek. It sounds like her parents have just given her everything she wants, her whole life, without ever teaching her the value of working towards a goal. To me, they have failed her. As a result, she thinks that she is entitled to get money and possessions just by asking.

I have a little bit of sympathy for her tastes - I love handbags, and I also love good food. But I prioritise. I like good food more than handbags, so I allow myself one new handbag per year, and it has to be under £100. That means I can buy really good produce to cook. I keep my food costs lower by improving my cooking skills and buying good ingredients, rather than eating out.

I see that you do similar in prioritising your spending. You scrimp and save through the year in order to afford to take a 5 week holiday.

I don't think your girlfriend is in any way familiar with the concept of saving in one area to afford another. She wants everything and her parents just give her the money.

I've come to realise that a similar approach to sex, money, career and child raising is essential for a healthy relationship. It sounds like you both have low sex drives (personally I'd be out if there's no sex after date 3) big your attitudes to finances and work are completely opposite, and I'd guess her approach to child development would be "Throw money at it, hire a nanny to stop it crying, send it to private school and just keep buying it things" - because that's what she learned from her parents.

She can't even be arsed to join you on a short walk in the beautiful Peaks!

Why do you feel love for her? What do you admire about her?

Ok, from your updates it would be a terrible idea to marry this woman. You may be enjoying your company but she's already knocked you off course and she has totally different expectations from you of how she would live her life.

You deserve better.

@chilliplant634

I don't think there is any point in continuing dating. The whole point of dating is to figure out whether you are compatible or not long term. It is clear you are both not. Continuing dating will only make ripping the plaster off harder down the line. What is the point in emotionally investing in a dead end relationship?

I think OP belongs to a different culture, where dating is done with a view to marriage. I.e. to figure out whether you are compatible for marriage. I also think I this culture there is an expectation for the man to be the main provider responsible for paying the bills etc.

There are two possible scenarios here which are both red flags:

1. She is frivolous with her spending and dependant on her parents to maintain her lifestyle. Post marriage she will expect you to be doing the top-ups. This will cause arguments. Your values and attitudes to finances are so far apart I dont think you can meet in the middle, unless one side makes some serious compromises (which will leave one person seriously unhappy in the long term!)

1. She is exaggerating her spending/lifestyle to you in order to set the expectations of how she expects to be "provided for" after marriage and once your finances are tied together. This sounds utterly ridiculous but I have seen this happen to a member of my own family. His fiance would tell him that she didn't need to look at her bank balance because her father would just top her up generously every month. This was obviously bullsh**. But it shows how she was trying to manipulate him from the start. After they got married she even expected him to fill her car with petrol every week for her to go to work!

I would end it and try and find someone who is compatible with your values. If you are already struggling with these differences now, they will only be magnified 1000x after you get married and have children. In this case being able to talk all night makes no difference. It doesn't suddenly make her a suitable life partner.

Dear chilliplant634, your comments hits the right nail on the head! It is extremely valuable advices! Appreciate very much!

@QuentinBunbury

Is your partner from the same heritage as you? I think this is important, if she's from a UK background I'd wonder if she's exploiting your cultural norms to provide for your wife, and worries that you can't provide for her. If she's from a UK background she should be able tosupport herself and there is no shame here in a woman doing that. So don't worry what people will think.

Yes, she is from the same heritage as mine, and she indeed expect the husband to feed the family while she spends all she earn.

@Hiphopboppertybop99

I don't think this woman is the one for you unfortunately. You are too far apart in how you live your lives and what is important to each of you. She's happy to spend, spend spend, whereas that idea fills you with dread. Does she still live with her parents?£1k a month on takeaway is mind-blowing perhaps you could teach her to cook !! But seriously, she shouldn't have to change and neither should you, you're just not compatible. Sorry OP. There is someone else out there for you.

£35-40 for a takeaway meal for one person indeed mind-blowing and she do it almost everyday. This is not including after meal snacks, fruit, desserts and etc... I talked to her about cooking at home for healthier lifestyle too. Instead of learning to cook, she expect me to cook for her everyday... A meal must have 3 dishes 1 soup for her.

@Beautiful3

She's not right for you. She ll end up running up secret debts on credit cards. She wouldn't make a good wife as all her debts would be shared by you. You would end up suffering for the sake of some handbags. Her spending would be the cause of numerous arguments and headaches. My friend had this problem with her boyfriend, after a few years together she discovered he had racked up thousands on credit cards and a small loan too. It stopped them from marrying, they eventually split up. Find someone else who lives within their means.

She will turn to her parents for extra pocket money. She has been asking for extra pocket money all the times, and her parents agree to give me extra pocket money after marriage. This makes me feel uncomfortable, like I didn't take care my wife and feed my wife enough...

I think you shouldn't even mention word "marriage" until you can see that you have enough in common. It looks like you haven't shared interests - exercise and backpacking is yours. Hers is going out and shopping.
You would be very unhappy few years down the line, with debts and depending on her family to help.
Is that what you really want?

In truth, you hardly know this woman, you have only been together for a few months.
At first, of course it is exciting getting to know each other, with lots to talk about as you discover the new person. But this isn’t a good basis for marriage.

Much more important for a long term happy relationship, is that you share similar attitudes and life goals. From what you say about her, you and she have very different attitudes to important things like personal responsibility and finances.

I think that if you married, you would soon both become unhappy. You would find that her high level of spending destroyed your sense of security, and you would probably resent her casual attitude to money.

Please think very carefully before committing yourself to life with a spendthrift, which might lead to serious debt for you. I hope you soon find happiness, but I don’t think you will find it with this young woman.

I think perhaps you are so happy that there is a person that is interested in you that you are ignoring the very clear signs that you two are not compatible long term. You probably seem very sensible and ordered compared to her life. Chill out and maybe try online dating?

If you value your hard earned money don’t get married .If she doesn’t care about spending her parents money ,she won’t worry about spending yours if you get divorced.

Have you thought of joining Meetup @SincerelyAsking?

They will have events such as walking groups, where you will meet people with similar interests to your own.

If I was you, I would end it. You're not compatible. You know how she lives and how she spends money and it's not for you. Move on.

Agree with others, not for you.

Read back what you are saying. Her parents agree to give her pocket money when we get married??? Why are you talking about this now? But seeing as you are.

Project that forward......parents are giving her pocket money now we are married, parents are paying for children now we are married.....

Now project it to worst case. Parents are paying for her to take me to court, saying I'm an unfit father, I can't provide for my wife or children. They have always had to pay for everything. Etc etc etc.

Really, this has to be a wind up.

@SincerelyAsking

You mentioned you had the same cultural heritage so wondering if you are Malay, Chinese or Indian ethnicity? Understood if you prefer not to answer. I was only asking to see what cultural heritage we are are talking about, and is it important to you to have the same shared one in a partner?

It doesn't sound like your compatible apart from having the same culture and enjoying each other's conversation. I think you need more shared values for a marriage to be successful.

You mentioned going to the gym and hill walking, so someone with similar interests might be more compatible? Have you tried joining gym classes or waking groups to meet more people? Or there's always online dating?

I'm sorry but I don't think it's going to work out with this lady when your approaches to finance are so far apart. Possibly career wise too - if she's still studying in early 30s, has she worked previously? (Different if she's been studying from undergrad to PhD).

It isn't going to work, OP.

My DH is from a very poor background and like you, he is very frugal and careful with his money. I am certainly not as extravagant as the woman you describe, but I grew up with a different lifestyle and I am used to spending more. The major difference is that I also earn more, so my dh is not expected to fund my lifestyle choices. He can save as much as he wants from his income and I can spend from mine, though I do save as well. We both accept and respect each other's different approaches.

I guess my point is that different attitudes to spending in a couple can work if the person who spends more is able to fund their own spending. However, I think the relationship is doomed to failure if the more frugal partner is being asked to subsidise the more extravagant partner's lifestyle. Conflict and resentment in such a relationship would be inevitable.

It's sad, but you need to walk away.

You don't sound compatible interest or lifestyle wise. You like to do stuff, she likes to spend money and feast by the sound of it? I'm sure there's a better match for you out there somewhere..

You haven’t had that many relationships (I suspect) anyone you become close too can feel like a soul mate. All that talking is easy. Life, years of it with ill parents, kids, ill health, job challenges all the big things they will test you. A soul mate grows into that role by how they support you and grow with you. Your relationship is a non starter and if you marry it will be tough on you

OP, you need to end this relationship.

Whilst you may "talk all night" now, I can guarantee you'll be arguing all night if you get married.

Having the same lifestyle and financial aspirations is a very, very important component of a successful relationship.

It doesn't matter if it's a woman buying designer bags/shoes, Michelin star takeaways arguing with a husband who insists on driving expensive sports cars both thinking each others spend is frivolous.

Or someone who is very careful with money to plan for the future but their partner thinks it's at the expense of the present.

Either way both parties are unhappy and resentful.

These are issues that absolutely eat away at any love or respect in the relationship.

In your case it's compounded by her family's attitude. They absolutely will expect you to keep her in the style they have so far done.

You'll end up utterly miserable and all your careful planning in tatters, as will she as her aspirations are not met.

There is someone else out there that will share the same outlook as you.

Stop investing in a bad relationship and go in search of finding the right person.

Good luck

Sounds like some sort of marriage/financial scam to me.

Weird you would even be thinking about marriage after a few months
Really weird
Is this a tick box for you. Done the career progression - need a wife.

If that’s your attitude then contrary to others you seem perfectly suited. You’re just buying her

You aren't compatible, keep looking

What if she wants her values to be the ones you both develop in your children? It won’t be possible - your whole household worshipping designer handbags and shopping while you tromp across the Peak District watching your savings dwindle to nothing.

I do think you need a less materialistic wife - sharing values is more important than sharing chats throughout the night. You may need to soften your austere attitude a bit when you do marry and become a parent, but these two approaches are far too big a distance apart to close the gap.

Ok I'm going to change what I said previously.
If continuing to date this lady leads to an unwritten expectation of marriage then yes you should end it now.

I'd also ask yourself what attracted you to her in the first place, as there are many, many ladies who enjoy a simpler life including outdoor walks and not eating lobster every night. I suspect you may have prioritised looks over what's inside.