Lifestyle different with my girlfriend and in law family

[SincerelyAsking]

I grew up from a poor family, but my parents worked hard so that my brothers and I can have adequate education. I know my parents financial was not good, I didn’t take any money from my parents since I got into university, age 19. I managed to finish my bachelor’s degree with a scholarship and some part time jobs. Upon graduate and work for 2 years, I decided to continue doing my job daytime, and use my saving and salary to take a master’s degree by the evening time.

Since then, I have been worked hard and I am a senior management at an established engineering company today. But I also sacrificed a lot to come this, I had a girlfriend years ago, but we had gone separate way. Being single and I am not a party guy at all, my daily routine is simple. Monday to Friday I go to the gym, then office, then gym again and finally home. Over the weekend, I do 10-15miles walking at Peak District Saturday and stay home for movies, tidy the house and cook my favourite dishes on Sunday. Every year, I go budget backpacking holiday at Asian for my 5 weeks holiday, spend £1200, spending >£35 on a takeaway meal is normal. Burbery, LV are typical in her closet. She spent all her salary and constantly have extra pocket money from her family to support her living.

I feel uncomfortable to spend £50-£100 on 2 persons meal everyday and used up all my salary every month with no saving. I discussed with her, but she has been living like this all her live and her family can support her lifestyle, it is unfair for her to change her lifestyle also. Her family is happy to give her extra pocket money even after we get married.

Probably due to my ego, or probably due to massive change on my lifestyle, or probably due to the fear of being controlled by in law family financially, I am uncomfortable with this arrangement and I am stuck. We indeed love each other, and we appreciate it is almost impossible to meet someone we clicked so closely.

I am 38 years old, I always wish to have a family with my children. I am an engineer and I work hard but I am not good in relationship. I sincerely ask for your opinion and advise please.

Thank you very much.

It is wider FIL to have someone to talk with and share ideas with.

But… would you give up your walking in the Peak District? Swap your backpacking in Asia for sitting by a painted swimming pool? Because she is not going to complete 2 miles in her shoes!

Maybe try the walk, quickly, before the weather gets any worse. You never know, there might be a miracle and she catches the walking bug!

The thing is, you can plan your life to the smallest degree, engineer it, if you like. But human beings just don’t work to plan. Suppose for some reason you were unable to have children? A lifetime of being married to a woman who doesn’t/ won’t work and doesn’t share your interests, hobbies or values…until you are 150 years old?

Try a swap challenge: she agrees to come on a proper walk with you and live a whole week within her means and in an average food budget. And save some money.

You go away for a weekend with her: Paris, say, or Seville. Eat out, spend a morning looking a shops, see the sights.

See what you enjoy if each other’s world. Learn to find enjoyment in a different way, or if you can bridge your differences.

Another suggestion: join a walking / rambling / hiking group!

Wonderful not wider FIL .

It certainly sounds like your incompatible.
You need a woman who’s willing to be your equal partner financially and it seems she wants a man who will look after her financially just as her parents have done.

I was initially coming here to say that if you both pay half to all the general costs of living and she has money left then if she chooses to blow that it’s her own fault but then I read your comment about she will expect you to pay the bills but she’ll buy her own designer handbags.
This will drive a wedge between you guys for sure.
I’m sorry but sounds like you need to walk away now

Are you aware that if you get married and subsequently divorce, she will get half of all your money, house, savings, ISAs, pension, furniture.

Everything.

Pre-nups are not legally enforceable in the U.K.

When you marry someone you risk losing half of everything you have scrimped and saved for. To someone who in this case would probably blow through it all on designer gear and takeaways.

Don’t be pressurised by anyone to marry her.

She’s not the one for you. At best she would be a trophy wife. At worst she could leave you destitute after divorce.

@Elieza

Are you aware that if you get married and subsequently divorce, she will get half of all your money, house, savings, ISAs, pension, furniture.

Everything.

Pre-nups are not legally enforceable in the U.K.

When you marry someone you risk losing half of everything you have scrimped and saved for. To someone who in this case would probably blow through it all on designer gear and takeaways.

Don’t be pressurised by anyone to marry her.

She’s not the one for you. At best she would be a trophy wife. At worst she could leave you destitute after divorce.

Don’t be daft Depends on how long married Children And a multitude of other reasons

The more you write, the clearer it is that you are incompatible, not just in finances, in everything else too. I wonder even if she’s trying to scam you, or hook you in, marry you, and leave you, taking half your money with her. Please literally run - or walk - to the hills.

@Marni83 so you don’t know anyone that’s been ripped off by a greedy ex after a few years? One you always thought was in it for the money for a few years while thinking of their single and lucrative future?

I certainly do.

And yeah it does depend on various factors but I’m considering that if her parents have money they will get her a good divorce lawyer. Meanwhile the OP is careful with money and likely wouldn’t want to spend money on lawyers. So its likely he’d get ripped off either in the divorce or the cost of the lawyers meetings and letters to each other over years.

As happened to a family member of mine who ended up having to give way more out than he should have done of his parents inheritance left to him when they’d never even met her after the judge told both parties lawyers to stop messing about and get something agreed or they’d be reported to the law society.

What do you do together when you spend time together?

Do you go out for meals, or stay in and you cook, or go to the movies?

Or is it the case that (because you work long hours and have a routine) you’ve actually not spent lots of time actually in each other’s company at all? Talking on the phone for hours isn’t real life - not long-term, married life anyway.

I think someone who will grudgingly try a 1-2 mile hill walk and ears takeaway every night will be miserable with a man who wants to hike 15 miles every weekend and keep food costs to a minimum, and I think you’d be miserable as that man too.

You need to meet someone more like you in at least some aspects of your life. Go looking for some hill-walking buddies! I bet there’s a club somewhere near the Peaks - try Meet-Up.com

Honestly you sound completely incompatible.
Getting married and spending a lifetime together needs common goals, interests and values. You don't have to be identical, in fact being opposite on lots of things is good but I think you need the fundamentals to be the same.

Building and spending a life with someone can be tough even for the most in love couples. Being so different on so many fundamentals like attitude to money, how you like to spend your free time will be a massive source of friction.

Being on the same page financially is so important in a relationship but your girlfriend's attitude to money sounds like it's the polar opposite to yours. For example, how will you react if you propose and she then wants to splash out £30k-plus on the wedding?

@marni83 sure, she might not get half, but if they get married to subsequently divorced, she will be entitled to some of his hard-earned savings/investments. Part of agreeing to marry is being comfortable with that fact, particularly as OP is keen on having children (and of an age/culture where I suspect children will happen quite quickly)

I agree that you are financially incompatible, what you eat, where you eat and patterns of spending are fundamental to everyday life.

It seems to me that if you marry this girl then you are setting yourself up for years of arguments and resentment.

For example, I once received a redundancy payout. My partner asked to borrow a substantial amount to buy the house that he wanted and put in his name. He said he would pay me back once he had the cash (his was tied up in longterm investments).

Several months later he received an inheritance and I asked for the money back - I wasn’t working and had no income at that point, although I was buying the weekly groceries, paying for Netflix, paying for the car that we both used. His household monthly outgoings were a couple of hundred, mine was more than double his. He got very angry very quickly when I asked him and told me to leave the house.

The house was in his name because ‘he was insecure’ (he told me). I lost everything but personal belongings (books, clothes).

So. Money can break or a relationship.

Although to be honest, he was abusive in other ways too.

Apart from the crazy money expectations and dependence on your future in-laws what stands out to me is she STILL hasn't been for a short walk with you. That's a big part of your life. What do you do together other than eat and chat? I bet she's dragged you round shops or made you wait while she gets her nails done or something. I really don't like the sound of her. She sounds very shallow and spoilt. Your children would be raised in the same way....

@Excelthetube

Weird you would even be thinking about marriage after a few months Really weird Is this a tick box for you. Done the career progression - need a wife.

If that’s your attitude then contrary to others you seem perfectly suited. You’re just buying her

That's a cruel post. I've no idea where you have got the impression that the OP is looking for a wife as a 'tick box' exercise; there is no hint of it in their posts.

OP, this woman just sounds so different from you, in many important ways. I don't think you sound compatible.

I think people who are saying that it's too early to be thinking about marriage may be speaking from a Western perspective, but in OP's Malaysian culture (particularly if he's ethnically Malay and Muslim) this may not be the case. In some cultures/religions people only meet a few times before getting married, so maybe by OP's expectations this timeline is normal - dating and living together for years prior to marriage is probably still the exception, on a global scale!

Nevertheless, a marriage to this woman doesn't seem like a good idea. I think your shared background might be making you think there's more compatibility than there actually is. Your values seem completely misaligned.

I've not read all the comments - sorry if I'm repeating things.
This sounds really hard. You sound very nice and kind and sensible. She is probably nice and kind too but she is really spoilt. Her parents have done her no favours - still studying and being paid by them in her early 30s??
I think there are similar situations where compromises can be made - for example that you could learn that some frivolous spending within your means is acceptable and not "wrong" and that she could learn to live within her means, to get a job and to start saving for her future. But you'd both have to really want to do that.
I get the impression that some movement (though probably not enough) might be possible for you but it doesn't sound as though any movement will be possible for her.
Sorry but I would end this - or at least not progress it. I cannot see how you could be happy with a rich spoilt child-woman who wants other people to fund her lifestyle. You're likely to end up resenting each other.

She might be a lovely person, but money-wise you sounds worlds apart, I think resentment would very quickly build on both side,
Sorry don’t think she is the one for you.

@DeathOnTheNile

I think people who are saying that it's too early to be thinking about marriage may be speaking from a Western perspective, but in OP's Malaysian culture (particularly if he's ethnically Malay and Muslim) this may not be the case. In some cultures/religions people only meet a few times before getting married, so maybe by OP's expectations this timeline is normal - dating and living together for years prior to marriage is probably still the exception, on a global scale!

Nevertheless, a marriage to this woman doesn't seem like a good idea. I think your shared background might be making you think there's more compatibility than there actually is. Your values seem completely misaligned.

I think the OP has also confused this by talking about having Western values, when his posts actually convey a completely different outlook.

I don't even understand what is meant by a 2 month run-in period before contemplating marriage when they have already been dating a few months. But this whole relationship has disaster written all over it.

I think that it is perfectly possible for two people to both be inherently "good"/nice people, and also completely incompatible. So if I were you I would refrain from the temptation to frame things as one of you being in the "wrong". You may be wrong for each other though which is a different thing.

This is a little of topic though, but I wanted to warn you that these two statements:
I am confident my investment can give me my current income in 10-year time and achieve financial freedom.
and
I am 38 years old, I always wish to have a family with my children
Might (might) not be 100% compatible. Children are expensive - even if you are parenting with a likeminded partner with the same income as you. And even if you find someone likeminded, priorities can change after children are born. e.g. I am super careful with money, always have been, but am currently shelling out 30 pounds a week on piano lessons because its important to me my child has that opportunity. Likewise my career is important to me, but I dialled it back when my son was young - I don't see the point in working like crazy when my child is small so that I can "retire" early just when they reach their teens and don't need me around as much - having missed the early years (think Cats in the cradle). Not that people who choose differently are wrong, or that your aims are wrong. But be aware that you may need to compromise a little with yourself to achieve all your dreams - even if that means for example achieving financial independence in 15 years rather than 10. You could also of course delay having children for 10 years or more but (even for guys) that comes with its own problems/risks - struggle finding someone at that point, reduce fertility (less publicised for men but still an issue), being an "older dad".

So yes, I think its important to find someone who shares your views/goals, but equally be aware that even in those relationships you will still need to compromise.

She's not financially independent and that will be a deal breaker in a Relationship, she is currently controlled by her parents and the money they give her, if they don't like what she is doing in life or one of her decisions they can turn the money tap off to get her to do what they want.
I'm future you will have to subsidize her standard of living, I'm not surprised you don't want to waste money since you have had none throughout most of your life and worked hard for what you have got where she has had it all given to her so. Does not appreciate it.
She is very unlikely to change her spending habits and so there is really only one way this relationship will be going unfortunately

I used to be a relationship therapist. Arguments about attitudes to money and finances were the single most common problem I encountered. (second was disagreements over raising children and infidelity was a very distant third).

This can be overcome but you both need to be very committed to it and prepared to make compromises and concessions. It needs to be talked about very openly. It's one of the things that is addressed in the marriage preparation course many churches and other religious institutions require couple to complete before the wedding.

So it's not necessarily a deal breaker but it is important. If neither of you are willing to make changes your relationship will end in tears.

Hang on so she expects you to work and provide all the money, but also expects you to do all the cooking? Surely she should contribute to either some earning or some housework (ideally both)?

I would be really careful in case in a few years you are doing all the earning + all the housework + all the childcare!

Are you serious? This woman is a complete and utter spoilt brat, who is looking for someone to finance her extravagant lifestyle. If. Ideas she's lovely to be around, she doesn't have to deal with anything unpleasant in her life, daddy buys her happiness.

See what happens if you insist on her joining you and helping you cook a meal. See what happens if you insist that she splits bills evenly. She won't be so lovely to be around then.

The moment you assert some boundaries she will stop being pleasant and start being unpleasantly manipulative, or even downright nasty.