Lifestyle different with my girlfriend and in law family

[SincerelyAsking]

I grew up from a poor family, but my parents worked hard so that my brothers and I can have adequate education. I know my parents financial was not good, I didn’t take any money from my parents since I got into university, age 19. I managed to finish my bachelor’s degree with a scholarship and some part time jobs. Upon graduate and work for 2 years, I decided to continue doing my job daytime, and use my saving and salary to take a master’s degree by the evening time.

Since then, I have been worked hard and I am a senior management at an established engineering company today. But I also sacrificed a lot to come this, I had a girlfriend years ago, but we had gone separate way. Being single and I am not a party guy at all, my daily routine is simple. Monday to Friday I go to the gym, then office, then gym again and finally home. Over the weekend, I do 10-15miles walking at Peak District Saturday and stay home for movies, tidy the house and cook my favourite dishes on Sunday. Every year, I go budget backpacking holiday at Asian for my 5 weeks holiday, spend £1200, spending >£35 on a takeaway meal is normal. Burbery, LV are typical in her closet. She spent all her salary and constantly have extra pocket money from her family to support her living.

I feel uncomfortable to spend £50-£100 on 2 persons meal everyday and used up all my salary every month with no saving. I discussed with her, but she has been living like this all her live and her family can support her lifestyle, it is unfair for her to change her lifestyle also. Her family is happy to give her extra pocket money even after we get married.

Probably due to my ego, or probably due to massive change on my lifestyle, or probably due to the fear of being controlled by in law family financially, I am uncomfortable with this arrangement and I am stuck. We indeed love each other, and we appreciate it is almost impossible to meet someone we clicked so closely.

I am 38 years old, I always wish to have a family with my children. I am an engineer and I work hard but I am not good in relationship. I sincerely ask for your opinion and advise please.

Thank you very much.

Long term compatibility includes having similar views to finances. Love /Lust won't survive if you argue about money all the time. I don't think she is for you and recommend you move on.

@QuentinBunbury

If you want to continue a relationship with her keep your finances separate and don't comment on her arrangements. If you get married you will have to accept she chooses to spend her money on different things to you and future financial security is less important to her than quality of life today so there will be tension around spending. I think you have to have a very open conversation around what works for both of you. For example, paying an amount into a joint account for bills and using the rest as you each see fit. Or maybe you could take on saving and investing for the family while still allocating her money to spend on "today" - like takeaways etc.

I don't think your attitude sounds all that healthy either and could lead to you being financially controlling out of insecurity so I think you need to agree all this upfront.

Agree. What is bothering me is, she has the attitude of asking extra pocket money from her parents when she runs short of money. I am not comfortable with this. It sounds like I didnt feed my wife enough and she has to go back to her parents for money.

@1forAll74

You have written a lovely to read post here, and have seemingly worked hard,to have planned out a good future for yourself financially. being sensible about that aspect of your life.. But you have met someone who hasn't had to think much about spending lots of money, and this is obviously bothering you now. Despite you getting along very well with your lady friend, and all is well at the moment, it isn't going to tell you how things will work out later, well regarding money matters I mean..

This is something that nobody could advise you on, except to be careful in what you choose to do. If you haven't really had many girlfriends, but now have found one that is compatible with you, in only some ways, you have to think about all things seriously for the future.

Totally agree. I told her the same too. I sacrificed a lot to build what I have today, as much as I love her, I am sorry but I am plan carefully for the next step and future. We should spend more times together, a run-in period before going into marriage.

If you stay with her you will NEVER be able to ‘feed your wife right’.

She will always want more. ALWAYS.

She has been spoiled. She probably equates money to love ie if you don’t provide for her excessive needs she will run to them and complain you’re being stingy and selfish, you don’t love her, and you’ll have her dad phoning you to ask why you’re not keeping his daughter in the standard she is accustomed to.

I know you feel like you’ll never meet anyone like her again and she’s the one for you, but she isn’t. She is a spoiled daddy’s girl with no clue about anything.

You are polar opposites. Find someone who is like you. She IS out there somewhere.

@LargeBouquet

You’re incompatible. For what it’s worth, your lifestyle to me sounds joyless and unnecessarily scrimping — and I say this as someone from an extremely poor background who likewise educated myself into more comfortable circumstances— although she sounds like a total spendthrift if she can’t support herself in adulthood.

You should end the relationship, as it’s likely to cause untold misery if you continue and entangle your finances. Besides, given your values, can you really love and admire someone who relies on her family for handouts?

At the moment, I feel comfortable spending time with her and can talk to her all night long. But you raise a good point that I should think thoroughly.

İ think you have to stick to your plans of saving for your future and if she wants those extra things she can ask her parents for them or she can work extra hours for them. İt's your money and you can do what you like with it, it's not her decision as to what you do with it. İt's only important if you have children and you're splitting the costs of the basics, but then it sounds like it would become an issue in that instance if she wants them to have certain luxuries and you want to teach them the importance of saving.

@Seesawmummadaw

Can’t you just carry on dating for now. No rush to marry. After a few months I’m not sure love is the right word.

Agree, this is what I plan. And ask for opinion and advice at mumsnet too.

OP, you have only known her a few months yet you are talking marriage, in laws, merging finances. You need to slow right down and really get to know her before any of this should even be on your radar.

Do you date? Go out anywhere? Met any of her friends? You talk of talking all night and shared interests but not if you actually spend any time doing anything.

I can't at the moment see this working even in the medium term. I'm aware that all I know of this woman is what you have written about her. But I'm particularly struck by the fact that she has said she will maybe do a 2 mile walk in the Peak District one day soon, but hasn't yet. What does she usually do for holidays? Would you enjoy the sort of holiday she likes? If so, why haven't you done it before?

There are lots of women in the world who enjoy backpacking, who are financially independent of their parents and like making a living, and that you could get on with as well as this. I'd say that you need to take some breaks from the gym, socialise a bit more and meet more people. It sounds as if you haven't had many girlfriends, or female friends? I'd make some more.

Why are you asking mumsnet a bunch of random people on the Internet can't help. You're going to get the universal response that incompatibility around spending habits means you shouldn't be together.

I think you stick with your lifestyle and let her fit in with you rather than you fit in with her. If she doesn't like it she will leave or she might adapt. You can't go broke trying to feed her lobster.

It doesn't sound a very realistic lifestyle.

I would also add that "we can talk all night" is lovely but happens quite a lot at the start of a relationship, when you're really in the "falling in love" stage. It can last, but it doesn't always! If you're inexperienced at relationships then I'd warn that this doesn't necessarily mean you're compatible long-term.

If you want to give it a go then I would definitely try dating for longer and see how things go. You may find you adapt to each other or you may find you're incompatible in other ways as well as financially.

I wouldn't be heading towards marriage anytime soon!!

@billy1966

Financial compatibility is very important in a life partner. You two could hardly be further extremes of each other.

Your focus is on the far future and hers is living for today with someone else topping her up.

I would find her lack of financial independence and dependence on her parents deeply immature, spoiled and unattractive.

Part of the attraction of an adult is self sufficiency.

Would you like your in laws knowing your business? Because they will.

I also think that your frugality could be called mean and controlling by her.

Is she expecting you to fund her expensive tastes, together with her parents?

I think that marrying this woman you are setting yourself up for failure, possibly divorce and the future division of your hard earned assets.

Children are a very expensive luxury, that you would need to consider the cost of.

Living frugally with children when you don't have to, could be fraught with tension with a lot of woman, who would find it quite joyless.

Thanks, you raised very important points. She expects her husband to be responsible for the household food bill (at her standard). Children expenses are indeed heavy, I would expect tension, especially when the in law family intervenes to go for private schooling, piano lesson and etc.

You know you shouldn't do it OP.

@rookiemere

Rereading your OP it sounds like you may not have had physical intimacy with your GF yet. If this is the case and given that you've only been together her for a few months, then why the great rush to think about marriage?

I suspect from your writing style that English may not be your first language so forgive me if I am projecting UK values on to the situation.

I don't think you're compatible but you could give it another couple of months to make a decision.

Yes, this is what I plan, a couple of months for a run-in period before going into marriage. And ask for opinion and advice at mumsnet too.

I grew up at Malaysia, where used to be a British colony. The culture is partially influenced by British culture. I have a job promotion 2013 to join the UK team. I have been living at the UK for 8 years, so I have similar UK values.

I don't think there is any point in continuing dating. The whole point of dating is to figure out whether you are compatible or not long term. It is clear you are both not. Continuing dating will only make ripping the plaster off harder down the line. What is the point in emotionally investing in a dead end relationship?

I think OP belongs to a different culture, where dating is done with a view to marriage. I.e. to figure out whether you are compatible for marriage. I also think I this culture there is an expectation for the man to be the main provider responsible for paying the bills etc.

There are two possible scenarios here which are both red flags:

1. She is frivolous with her spending and dependant on her parents to maintain her lifestyle. Post marriage she will expect you to be doing the top-ups. This will cause arguments. Your values and attitudes to finances are so far apart I dont think you can meet in the middle, unless one side makes some serious compromises (which will leave one person seriously unhappy in the long term!)

1. She is exaggerating her spending/lifestyle to you in order to set the expectations of how she expects to be "provided for" after marriage and once your finances are tied together. This sounds utterly ridiculous but I have seen this happen to a member of my own family. His fiance would tell him that she didn't need to look at her bank balance because her father would just top her up generously every month. This was obviously bullsh**. But it shows how she was trying to manipulate him from the start. After they got married she even expected him to fill her car with petrol every week for her to go to work!

I would end it and try and find someone who is compatible with your values. If you are already struggling with these differences now, they will only be magnified 1000x after you get married and have children. In this case being able to talk all night makes no difference. It doesn't suddenly make her a suitable life partner.

@FlumpsAreShit

I think you should move on. She doesn't value how hard you've worked and this would be a life long battle. Are you involved in the FIRE (financial independence retire early) community? It sounds like you might find "your people" there!

Thanks, it is first time I hear about FIRE community. I have been investing in ISA stock and share, and a property on my own only.

Compatibility in finance is incredibly important. Up there with parenting styles and what you value in life (education, children etc.). It's a deal breaker for any long term relationship because you will both feel resentful. You, because you're spending all your hard earned money and not saving for the future. Her, because she'll see herself deprived of the lifestyle she desperately wants. I've seen family members struggle through this exact problem. It's a constant source of worry and tension.

You've known each other a short while. Better to cut your losses now and look for someone more compatible.

@Elieza

If you stay with her you will NEVER be able to ‘feed your wife right’.

She will always want more. ALWAYS.

She has been spoiled. She probably equates money to love ie if you don’t provide for her excessive needs she will run to them and complain you’re being stingy and selfish, you don’t love her, and you’ll have her dad phoning you to ask why you’re not keeping his daughter in the standard she is accustomed to.

I know you feel like you’ll never meet anyone like her again and she’s the one for you, but she isn’t. She is a spoiled daddy’s girl with no clue about anything.

You are polar opposites. Find someone who is like you. She IS out there somewhere.

Thanks, you raised really good points!

She's not right for you. She ll end up running up secret debts on credit cards. She wouldn't make a good wife as all her debts would be shared by you. You would end up suffering for the sake of some handbags. Her spending would be the cause of numerous arguments and headaches. My friend had this problem with her boyfriend, after a few years together she discovered he had racked up thousands on credit cards and a small loan too. It stopped them from marrying, they eventually split up. Find someone else who lives within their means.

Is your partner from the same heritage as you? I think this is important, if she's from a UK background I'd wonder if she's exploiting your cultural norms to provide for your wife, and worries that you can't provide for her.
If she's from a UK background she should be able tosupport herself and there is no shame here in a woman doing that. So don't worry what people will think.

@PermanentTemporary

I can't at the moment see this working even in the medium term. I'm aware that all I know of this woman is what you have written about her. But I'm particularly struck by the fact that she has said she will maybe do a 2 mile walk in the Peak District one day soon, but hasn't yet. What does she usually do for holidays? Would you enjoy the sort of holiday she likes? If so, why haven't you done it before?

There are lots of women in the world who enjoy backpacking, who are financially independent of their parents and like making a living, and that you could get on with as well as this. I'd say that you need to take some breaks from the gym, socialise a bit more and meet more people. It sounds as if you haven't had many girlfriends, or female friends? I'd make some more.

Her holidays are endless shopping... exercise is an alien word to her, but at least I convince her that we must exercise to keep ourselves healthy so that we can spend more times together, ideally until age 150 years old.

I indeed didn't know too many girls. Engineering career means little or no lady colleague...

@ZenNudist

Why are you asking mumsnet a bunch of random people on the Internet can't help. You're going to get the universal response that incompatibility around spending habits means you shouldn't be together.

I think you stick with your lifestyle and let her fit in with you rather than you fit in with her. If she doesn't like it she will leave or she might adapt. You can't go broke trying to feed her lobster.

It doesn't sound a very realistic lifestyle.

Love can sometimes make people blind and cannot think logically and reasonably. Fellow members at Mumsnet raised many important advices and comments. Thanks all fellow members here.

@DisappearingGirl

I would also add that "we can talk all night" is lovely but happens quite a lot at the start of a relationship, when you're really in the "falling in love" stage. It can last, but it doesn't always! If you're inexperienced at relationships then I'd warn that this doesn't necessarily mean you're compatible long-term.

If you want to give it a go then I would definitely try dating for longer and see how things go. You may find you adapt to each other or you may find you're incompatible in other ways as well as financially.

I wouldn't be heading towards marriage anytime soon!!

Agree, this is what I plan, a couple of months for a run-in period before going into marriage. And ask for opinion and advice at mumsnet too.

I don't think this woman is the one for you unfortunately. You are too far apart in how you live your lives and what is important to each of you. She's happy to spend, spend spend, whereas that idea fills you with dread. Does she still live with her parents?£1k a month on takeaway is mind-blowing perhaps you could teach her to cook !!
But seriously, she shouldn't have to change and neither should you, you're just not compatible. Sorry OP. There is someone else out there for you.

Agree, this is what I plan, a couple of months for a run-in period before going into marriage.

OP, a 'couple of months' really isn't a sensible amount of time to know someone before seriously considering marriage... especially when that person clearly isn't compatible, considerate or able to compromise!

She is making you anxious, not super happy. She is not a radiator, she is a drain. She wastes money while you're a saver.

I'm really shocked that you can possibly be considering the prospect of marrying this woman... let alone thinking about it seriously this early!

A few months in people are still on their best behaviour. Anything that is currently a niggle will soon be driving you mad.

Mate, she really does sound like a selfish and spoiled prick!