My kids are destroyers and I can't cope anymore

[fedupwiththeguy]

My kids break and destroy everything. That's it. I can't deal with the mess and destruction of everyday. There is a huge hole in the bathroom where the toilet paper holder. They torn it off and then kept digging with their finger every time they go potty. They take my iPad and phone when I am sleeping, and they have broken two chargers in a week. They take and leave their bed cushion to the backyard and leave them there in the rain. They use about 4 outfits a day, and I need to wash their running shoes daily. They shot my kitchen lamp and broke the glass. My DD spills drinks in the sofa more than once a week (no, they are not allowed to eat or drink outside of the kitchen/dining). My DS smelled so bad... cleaned it top to bottom and the smell didn't go. Found a melted ice cream under the mattress. They dug a hole in the backyard about half a meter deep and surrounded it with bricks that they found under the deck. The door knobs, they have broken the front door and the backyard door knobs in the last year. Currently, we are sleeping with the backyard unlocked as I can't afford a new one. I am a single mom with a litigious ex that has led me into huge debt to pay for lawyers. I ended up self-representing at a month long trial because I could not pay for a lawyer. My ex on the other hand is wealthy and pushed for private school, at the same time that refuses to pay for our DS therapy. DS is ADHD and needs weekly therapy. It is court ordered and 30km away from me. I don't drive, but I need to take DS every week, including during ex's time, because ex ... well, power trips. I work full time, a good job, but can't handle everything. Even when I make 6 figures, I could not afford summer camp for the kids. Ex has not paid child support in over two years. I do 15 loads of laundry a week and can't catch up, still 5 hampers full of clothes. Kids make a huge mess every bath, the water has gone through the floor and to leak into the main floor ceiling. They drop things on the floor all the time (like coming into the house and dropping my jacket that is hanging in the entryway) and walk over them with muddy shoes.
I just can't go on anymore. They also don't let me sleep. I need to beg them to shut up at night, sometimes going until midnight. I need to be up at 6am, and I used to do the housekeeping when they went to bed, but I can't anymore. I came to the kitchen for water last night to find the backyard door completely open. I got the scare of my life, and thanks god we didn't get racoons inside. It happens that my DD had come dowsntairs to eat ice cream.

I am in a loop of cleaning over and over the same things that won't last a day. And I need to keep a full time job. My GP says that I don't need medication help, that I can do with meditation. She also refused to send my to the psychiatrist or psychologist. I am beyond what I can tolerate in terms of stress.

I have absolutely no advice for you, but wanted to say you're not alone. I am in a pretty similar situation, my dc are absolute tornadoes and it drives me insane. Their room is disgusting 90% of the time and they hardly have anything in it, I've done 3 loads of washing today and it's all now piled up in the middle of my unmade bed I'm going to try and get some stuff put away tonight, but I am exhausted from cleaning all day, taking them back and forth to clubs trying to sort dinner and make myself look at least presentable. Tomorrow they will ask me what we're doing but won't get up and get ready and it stresses me out leaving my house in a mess.

I don't know what to do but I'm trying not to think about it until they go back to school, when I'll be able to get things done a lot quicker.

Where are you when they are doing these things? Digging a big hole in the garden would take time.

How old are they? Where are you when this is happening?

Hi OP, same boat, it’s hell in a hand bag. No other words of comfort other than I sent them all to bed early after the final ^^final straw, a scenario I would rather not relive.

Your children are feral. How old are they? Why are they up when you are asleep?

Why were you in court? does their father want custody of them?

This is perhaps rather simplistic but as a first defence I'd be popping locks on every single door and confining then to one room for now.

Where are you when this is happening? How old are they?

I don't mean locking them in btw - I mean locking them out of rooms!

What age are they?

You poor thing, that sounds bloody awful.

How old are they? Do they have contact with their dad? Is the one with adhd medicated? What are they like at school - have they had any interventions there? In the UK id ask if they were having 121 support in school but it sounds like you're in the us and I don't know what the system is there.

Your ex wanted them in private school - was he offering to pay the fees?

Was your ex abusive? Are they copying behaviour?

What consequences do you give them for their bad behaviour?

Have both the DC got ADHD?
I know children whose lives have been completely turned around by medication, now able to do their best at school etc, when previously they couldn't sit still long enough to write a sentence. Is this something that can be investigated? It really sounds like you need practical help rather medication for yourself. Medication for you won't make any of the issues you talk about go away. Medication for the DC with ADHD could have a huge positive impact on all your lives, and I think that's what you should be focusing on.

You don't say how old yours are, but it sounds like they are old enough to be a lot more responsible. It sounds dreadful, and it also sounds like you are a slave to them. Why are you washing their running shoes, can't they do that themselves?
I would get them to the doctor for formal diagnosis and medication then start strictly enforcing rules. Take away electronic equipment, lock it away. Hide yours, lock away the chargers. Did I read that they shot the kitchen lights? These kids should be nowhere near a gun, that needs to go too. Don't buy sweets, sweeetened drinks or icecream, it'll make them worse.
Is there another adult who could come and stay with you for back-up?
A sibling/cousin/parent maybe? It will be very hard to change this by yourself, it sounds horrendously difficult.
You are clearly not in UK so I can't signpost specific help, but maybe someone else on here can?

@Hellocatshome I have a job, sometimes I need to jump into a call for 30-60 minutes. I am watching them, but I can't get up and leave every single meeting because "my kid is doing something I don't like, I will be back in 5 minutes". Sometimes I am with one of them, and the other runs to a different floor. Sometimes, I am right in front of them, it doesn't stop them from breaking things. They are 6 and 8 (ADHD).

@MiniTheMinx I sleep an average of 5.5 hours a night (I have a fitbit that tells me so). Why they are not in bed when I am sleeping? They are supposed to be in bed. They are supposed to have been sleeping for a few hours. They wake up.

We were in court for custody, yes. We have had 50/50 for 3 years, father wanted sole. They are the same at his house, only that he has a girlfriend, a cleaning lady, two nannies and a tutor. Plus he drives. I don't think he copes better than me with all the help though. DS was throwing his medication in the garbage and the father was completely unaware for weeks. He couldn't tell how long DS had not been taking it.

That’s an enormous level of disrespect. No wonder you’re exhausted.
I don’t know what the child support laws are where you are. I s there any way of making him pay? I never got any child support at all, but I thought things are better now.
Is there any one to help with the children? Divide and conquer is the usual advice, if anyone will help you with them at weekends, maybe.

What are they eating/drinking?
Some foods contain additives that impact the behaviour.
I’d try to eliminate food with some colouring in it (google E 102 for example), caffeinated drinks if they have any and seriously reduce sugar intake (especially ice creams)
There are some medications that could help but seeing as you’re not in UK I don’t know what substitute you could get where you are.

Jeez I just read your update. Are you absolutely sure you want custody?

Seriously, I’m sorry but you have to step up. I’d lock electronics away, I’d lock internal doors and cupboards, and I wouldn’t buy anything with sugar in it, because most people agree it makes behaviour worse and it’s unhealthy anyway. No ice cream, soda, biscuits, cakes, candy.

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation only DS8 is ADHD, and yes, he is medicated, in therapy, and in a special school that I think is helping him. Before that, he was sent home from school constantly, and he was expelled from the private school.

DD is still in the private school, ex wanted to split the cost. I had to lose a few more nights of sleep to prepare court documents (since I can't afford a lawyer and I make too much to qualify for anything). Only when all paperwork was filed, his lawyer agreed that he would pay for the fees ($25k/year tuition ). Ex is a narcissist, emotionally abusive during our relationship and court abusive now.

Consequences for bad behaviour... usually just a chat, but depends on the behaviour. I prefer to use rewards instead, based on conversations with the school psychologist. For instance, if they want to go to the splashpad, they will need to tidy up their room first. Toys that are not tidied go into a basket at the end of the day, and they only have a chance to recover them once a week. I used to watch Supernanny but school psychologist told me that she uses a rather punitive approach that did not align with what they want children to learn. So no naughty corner, etc.

The only tasks I think they can do at their age, 6 and 8, is put away the folded laundry, match and fold their socks, clear their plate after meals and put it in the dishwasher, put their clothes in the hamper, tidy up their toys, pack their lunch in the morning (I cook, but they need to make sure they have utensils, and put everything together in their backpack).

What consequences are there for this behaviour, and how do you implement them?

Oh OP, I’m sorry. This is so hard. I have 3 stepsons, 2 with ASD and they make me want to rip my hair out at times, break everything and destroy anything nice we buy them 😞 they get in everywhere, I have to keep valuables locked away because they just break stuff, so destructive. I’m still gutted about an antique vase I had that I had kept for years and years that belonged to my nanna, kept in our room, I normally keep it locked during the day and have a latch on the inside for at night but it was one of those days, anyways youngest got into our room picked it up and smashed it against the wall and it smashed into a 1000 pieces, I cried for hours as my nanna is no longer with us. They destroy all their toys, tech, mattresses on their beds etc to the point we can’t afford to replace. They are just tornados.

What’s the answer to it? Not sure, like I say we lock everything, cupboards, doors, anywhere that isn’t ‘childproofed’ and I try keep an eye on them like a hawk. I hope they will grow out of it, I know they are the same with their mum.

Big hugs OP

X post there

onsequences for bad behaviour... usually just a chat, but depends on the behaviour. I prefer to use rewards instead, based on conversations with the school psychologist. For instance, if they want to go to the splashpad, they will need to tidy up their room first. Toys that are not tidied go into a basket at the end of the day, and they only have a chance to recover them once a week. I used to watch Supernanny but school psychologist told me that she uses a rather punitive approach that did not align with what they want children to learn. So no naughty corner, etc

This is the problem, right here. You need clear consequences, and they are supposed to be punitive, I’m not sure why you think this is a bad thing!

I’d suggest starting with the removal of toys, or other privileges, see how that goes. Time out is very effective too.

You really do need to lean into this, not crumble when things get hard.

If you carry on like this, you will quickly find that your DC have no friends, aren’t invited to parties etc. Permissive parenting does nobody any favours in the long run, esp the DC.

@DelphiniumBlue I thought of putting locks in the room at night, but then thought it can be lethal if there is a fire. Then I thought of a motion sensor that wakes me up. I am saving for that now. For electronics, I need to charge it at night, so I can't lock it away.

Sorry, they "shot" the lamp with a ball. They do have water guns, but not allowed inside the house. I cook almost every meal, and DS with ADHD actually eats very well. He doesn't even like sugar, and he is a fan of vegetables, so I do a lot of those with lean protein and fatty acids (also supplement of B12 and omega 3). I don't have family around, but I want to get my driving licence. That would be so helpful with commute, but insurance is also so expensive.

Consequences for bad behaviour... usually just a chat, but depends on the behaviour. I prefer to use rewards instead, based on conversations with the school psychologist

But this approach is clearly proving to be spectacularly unsuccessful.

Consequences for bad behaviour... usually just a chat
I think I can see the root of the problem...

Oh @Lorw, I am so sorry about the vase. I can definitely understand how that feels, and the sheer desperation.
@GreenWillow it was the school therapist. I am in Canada. They have changed things, from time-outs to time-ins. And teaching rather than punishing. This conversation actually came out of a situation where we were going for a scooter ride, and DD has hugging me, with my dress coming up a little. I told her to be careful because I did not want people to see my underwear, and then DS came and lifted my dress on purpose. I was so mad that I told him that he was not allowed to ride the scooter anymore. Psychologist told me this was wrong, as DS did not know that would be the consequence of lifting my dress. I mean, I did not know he would lift my dress to tell him what would happen in advance!! But he knew well that it was wrong as he was hearing me telling his sister...

I would say given the behaviour of your children working from home is not an option. Or if it is you need childcare whilst you are working.

it was the school therapist. I am in Canada. They have changed things, from time-outs to time-ins. And teaching rather than punishing

So one individual gives you advice that leads you into the intolerable situation that you describe above, and you just unquestioningly follow it? Ignoring what your eyes are telling you?

Perhaps this wasn’t the most sensible course of action available to you?