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Original poster

Boyfriend thinks I act differently with him around others

81 replies

mneters · 30/08/2021 23:04

As the title says really he thinks I ignore him when we are with others and am not myself. We went to stay with my family recently and he felt like I was leaving him out, not including him and was annoyed that when on a family day I was turning to my brother first instead of him.

We had a family meal today and he sent messages saying I was staring at my friend, i laugh at everyone else apart from him etc.

I am not sure if it is me, I am a little socially awkward at times, I am not a public display of affection kind of person and go quieter in larger groups, I do not mean to ignore him and don't feel like I am. The messages he sends makes it worse as I just get annoyed and feel like I cba! I feel partly he has low self esteem is shy himself and needs the attention however I have children, lots of friends etc and sometimes just want to be able to do my own thing and chat to them and he get on with it and chat too without us needing to check in on one another. My brother and one friend are quite dominant people especially in convos so I do wonder if he just feels overlooked but I'm really struggling with this and feel at breaking point because no matter how Many times I've tried to be normal with him he still calls me out on it and I feel like perhaps I'm just not right for him.

Apart from this he is the perfect bf, loving kind and just a generally lovely kind natured person I just don't know what to do because I don't want to walk away but can't find A solution.

OP posts:
bridgeofslides · 30/08/2021 23:05

Red flag. Sorry but you sound like a normal person and he sounds controlling. I cba with their either it sounds very stressful. How long have you been together?

TheChip · 30/08/2021 23:08

Definitely red flag.

My ex would do shit like this. The goal is to make you feel as uncomfortable as possible each time you're around these people so eventually you start not wanting to go as much. Before you know it, you don't go at all.

PepsiHoover · 30/08/2021 23:11

Agree it's a red flag.

Regardless of the intention behind it (slow self esteem or jealousy etc), it is controlling behaviour.

bridgeofslides · 30/08/2021 23:13

His long game is to stop you going to these events altogether

HarrietOh · 30/08/2021 23:13

Yep this is weird behaviour from him.

pog100 · 30/08/2021 23:14

I arrive he isn't the father of your children? This isn't normal, do not put up with any of it!

antwacky · 30/08/2021 23:15

He sounds very challenging, he could be trying to control and isolate you. My brother had a girlfriend like this, my brother couldn't speak or interact with anyone at social gatherings, didn't matter if it was family or friends, male or female. This girl would cling to him limpet like and sulk or cry if he didn't devote himself entirely to her. He married her Hmm and it just got worse.

Original poster
mneters · 30/08/2021 23:21

No not the father of my children, we've been together 18 months and this is more recently behaviour but obviously we've been in lockdown although when first meeting my family etc he wasn't like this. I just feel like I can't keep explaining myself and he goes funny with me today he wouldn't make eye contact when I ignored the messages. Reading this I know it bloody ridiculous but apart from this he is literally perfect it's so frustrating

OP posts:
Original poster
mneters · 30/08/2021 23:22

He will talk to everyone normally etc and gets on with my family well it's just me he has the problem as he feels I'm embrassed of him and that's why I can't be myself

OP posts:
BlackIsQueen · 30/08/2021 23:25

He is wearing you down. Eventually you will stop socialising. And then he'll be happy. But will you? Bin.

putthetubeinthebin · 30/08/2021 23:26

How did you mean he wouldn't make eye contact when you ignored the messages?

putthetubeinthebin · 30/08/2021 23:28

This is the problem with lockdown relationships. You weren't seeing him in a real life scenario but you feel like you know him really well because it's been 18 months. You need to treat this as a brand new relationship and look at the red flags for what they are. If it hadn't have been lockdown this would have come up 18 months ago and maybe you'd have got rid

Emma2021 · 30/08/2021 23:28

OP - you need to chat to him and assure him that he is wrong and then possibly adjust your behaviour a little. If he then moves the goal posts, then you need to jog on.

Kihanxxxx · 30/08/2021 23:34

My ex would try and say this in front of people to try and embarrass me

Farwest · 30/08/2021 23:36

Of course you treat him differently when you are out socialising. Everyone does that. You don't give him attention like when you are home alone. Because you are not home alone. You have a public persona just like everyone else on earth. It doesn't sound like a very sharp change from your home persona, either.

Dump him. He is trying to isolate you from friends and family.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/08/2021 23:40

Huge red flags are waving and he sent you a message to bitch at you whilst in the company of others. Who the fuck does he think he is? I really hope you're smart enough to get rid if this insecure, gaslighting arsehole.

Original poster
mneters · 30/08/2021 23:41

Emma I tried that and practically ignored my brother the other day and he still said it! I feel awkward when we go out now because I know how he will act! It just creates an atmosphere which makes me pull away from him more.

Ignoring me As in we were sat round a table and everyone was talking, him included and me although I guess not to each other directly, I would make eye contact and he turned his head away as if in disgust/loathing to show he was annoyed. After this I ignored him and sat chatting with my best friend and he went and played with the kids.

OP posts:
putthetubeinthebin · 30/08/2021 23:43

Yes he wants you to feel awkward so in future you don't go. Plus your relationships start to deteriorate because your friends and family feel you ignoring them when you're together.

He sounds like a petulant child.

TheChip · 30/08/2021 23:46

LTB

lilmishap · 30/08/2021 23:48

He's training you to not see anyone else apart from him. The lectures will get longer, the accusations will get more extreme and before you know it you are not able to talk to your brother as you will have to spend hours explaining why you were such a cunt as to talk to your own brother.

Tell him to bolt.
Tell him to get tae fuck
Or just leave him to his miserable little life and get on with yours.

Trust your gut it's doing well at spotting danger

lilmishap · 30/08/2021 23:50

I tried that and practically ignored my brother the other day and he still said it! I feel awkward when we go out now because I know how he will act! It just creates an atmosphere which makes me pull away from him more

If your brother said to you "I had to ignore you the other day or my GF would have given me hell about talking to you"
What would you think?

moofolk · 30/08/2021 23:51

What a twat.

He wants you all to himself all the time and feels threatened that you have other relationships with other humans who like and respect you.

That's weird.

LTB

Pinkbonbon · 30/08/2021 23:52

First instinct was 'uh oh - controlling'.

At best he sounds like too much hard work op.
Call it a day (and run for the hills).

Also, If you ever find yourself thinking 'maybe ge is just insecure' in defense of someones shitty behaviour, stop, because theres a 99% chance that they are not insecure, they are just a controlling dickhead.

lilmishap · 30/08/2021 23:59

You could try telling him " You obviously have insecurities that no reasonable adult will accommodate so I will no longer have you around my friends and family until you deal with your batshits. I will still see them but you will not be there"

Or get a better a better model of boyfriend.

lilmishap · 31/08/2021 00:03

Really how dare he expect you to be rude to your own family as part of an alleged normal relationship?

Would you tell a partner to ignore their family or suffer your 'insecurity' based wrath? Of course not, it's nasty, controlling, manipulative and a sign that nothing good is coming your way from this man as he isn't capable of improving your life by being the 'boyfriend cherry' on your life cake.